6 Years On: Grief, Life, Love

Oh my, time flies. It’s amazing how things change and some remain the same.

6 years ago, I didn’t know if I would ever be okay and not think about my dad every living moment. It sounds extreme, but I was heart broken. But time, and God,  they have a way of healing your heart. Over the years, the grief has changed. It has felt different and been different. During my last trip to the beach, I sat next to Ksena at the shore and the we played with the water. She enjoyed the little waves tickling her toes. When the waves got stronger she squealed with joy that the water was splashing on her back. Then out of nowhere, an innocent looking wave came, and it was bigger than we thought, but I yanked her up in time and we stared at the wave as it crashed.

Grief is like the ocean, sometimes your heart is calm, and then other times, when you least expect it, sorrow rocks up and is literally a wet blanket, and you have to leave. For some reason, the last couple of weeks, Ksena has been asking me about my dad. Both her grandpas went to be with the Lord, so she doesn’t quite understand the concept of grandpa. So we’ve had to talk about what happens when we die. I’m yet to find a simple way to explain the complexity that is death. Somewhere after one of our conversations, a wave, a mighty big wave hit me, and I felt a sadness and longing, and soon after a peace.

Life. Goes. On.

That’s what I wish I could tell myself 6 years ago. That the eyes that were filled with tears of sadness would one day be filled with tears of joy. My emotions have been confused. On one hand I’m remembering my dad 6 years on, and 8 days later, I am celebrating the milestone of Ky being 6 months old. They are both big things in my life that elicit a myriad of emotions.

But I read something a few days ago that really captured what my heart had been trying to articulate to my brain over and over.

no amount

Ain’t that the truth!

I use the term here achievement here loosely, because, I know that motherhood is not an achievement, it is stewardship, and I will be held accountable. My point is, being a mum fills my heart with joy but it doesn’t erase the pain, sadness of losing a parent. Each is a big deal, they both carry weight.

theres a time

The reality is that each day that passes we are closer to the grave. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I don’t know much about the complexities of life, but I know this, that I don’t want to die with dreams and plans that I never executed. So I’m taking steps each day to ensure that I die empty, having done what the Lord placed me on earth to do.

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I am not alone! This is truth that I’ve had to remind myself over and over when in the depths of grief. Over the years I have realized that love is a doing word. It’s more than just an emotion or a phrase that is tossed around. It is an action. Love is present and not passive. God has been there.

I can attest to the fact that God’s love has carried me. My daily prayer is that I will understand His love, continually experience it and be made complete with the fullness of life and power that comes from Him.

Ephesians 3:18-19 New Living Translation (NLT)

18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

I”m currently listening to this song on replay. It’s my declaration.

6 years later, I say  Thank you Jesus for your love. Siyabonga. You know the depths of my heart, where it aches and longs, and I know that You are there. Right there in the stillness; and your peace and joy will replace the sadness that ebbs and flows.

He is the Father to the fatherless! My God. He is faithful. Forever.

Today I celebrate life! #DKM

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

I Need You!

I never thought that I’d enjoy my own company, I was so used to being around people and having a community was a comfort zone. I highly suspect that I learned this from my mum, she’s had a good circle of friends for many years. Then I had to learn how to survive without too many people. I’ve come a mighty long way, ask my husband 🙂 I can now hang out by myself, and actually enjoy it.

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My last trip to the ocean was very contemplative. I walked right into the water as the girls played with sand and begun to pray. I prayed that God would help me a better wife and mother. Writer. Then after I rumbled about each of these roles, I prayed that I would be who He created me to be. It came after all the explanations.

As I shared with hubs about our swim in the ocean, my prayer time and thoughts on life, he said that if I am the woman God created me to be, all these other things and roles will fall right into place. I walked away in silence, not in a rude ‘huff and puff’ manner, but one that said, ‘Selah, I’ma just go to my corner and think about all of that truth’.

It’s so easy to get absorbed by the roles that I play, so busy doing and forget about being. Even as life is getting busier, I realize the importance of pausing and seeking His face. Our eyes must remain on Him, not easily distracted by the fleeting things of this world. Our hearts must remain stayed on Him. Our faith in Him. He alone is God. We need Him on good days as much as we need Him on bad days.

I’ve been singing this song for the past couple of weeks. It’s been my daily declaration that I need God. I need Him.

Where will I go without, Your hand holding me
And How could I live without You I can’t see
Lord, what will I do with Life where will I go
How would I handle things All that I know
Cos’ I Fail, Again

I Fall, I Fall so short, so short
You Know, You know my End Lord
From the start, You know my heart
I Need You

Life happens. Seasons change. But the fact remains, I need you.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Now I Can Confirm That It Gets Better

I used to dislike Mondays, to the extent that I’d make no plans. Monday was set aside to recover from the weekend. I’d warm up into the day, and be on airplane mode during the day, awake but unable to do some things.

My girls on the other hand, did not get the Monday memo, so they’d wake up raring to go into the new week. In retrospect, my energy or lack thereof must’ve been such a wet blanket. For instance today, Miss K is painting some shells that we picked up last week, then we’ll use them to make a shaker, then we’ll make some music and sing with her teddies. Perfect plan, if you asked me.

The last couple of days I have just been in awe of God. I’ve been in a good space, a few weeks ago, it was a very different narrative. I was in a dark hole; the mummy hole. As I’ve done different things over the past weeks, I’ve seen God’s hand. There’s been a desire to work, energy to see it through, a genuine smile and a hearty laugh as I related with the girls.

Today, I’m looking forward to making some music with the girls as I teach them about Miriam. Mine will be a song of praise because the Lord has done it for me. This is my testimony:

psalm 59-16-17

I want to know this verse by heart, that I will declare it each and every day.

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if, when, where or how it’d get better. But now I can confirm that it does. There’s no darkness so dark that His light can’t illuminate, no hole too deep that He can’t lift you out of, no bondage too strong that He can’t rescue you from. There is no situation that is too difficult for Him.

Have a blessed week, friends.

Bibi2be

 

 

 

 

Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus Part 2

I’m back with good news 🙂

Mid last year I posted about my struggle to find a place to fellowship with the girls. It got to place that I stopped struggling and decided to sit at home, also because I didn’t hear back from anyone in Mombasa.

Earlier this year, the desire to search again was reignited, so we started hunting again, but we didn’t quite find a fit for our ‘not yet three’ year old. When I was on the verge of giving up again, I prayed and told God that I would try once more and if it didn’t work out (read: I didn’t find a good fit), I was taking a(nother) long break. I wanted a sign that this was where we were supposed to be.

But God, answers prayers and He directs our paths ( if we let Him). When I went to this church, the person who greeted me said exactly what I had been asking the Lord. It later turned out that we were each other’s answer to prayer. I am in awe of the Lord we serve. I was reminded to remain obedient and allow the Lord to order my steps for the glory of His name. If we remain fluid, He will channel us where we need to go.
prov 21I don’t know how long we’ll be here and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to live in the season and learn and grow where I am. Children’s Ministry here I come. Through this all I can see His hand, I know that through pregnancy and motherhood, God changed me. He gave me a heart for children. Who would’ve thought I’d be writing children’s books or even serving with Children.

 

Here’s to an unknown adventure with a known God.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

 

 

Morning Reflections: Remain Fluid, Always

The ocean is my happy place. When I moved to Mombasa, I used to wonder how and why the people who lived here didn’t frequent the ocean. Then I got comfortable, became one of ‘them’, my ‘let’s go to the ocean’ plans became sparse. I guess after a few months, it became the norm, sort of like Uhuru park 🙂

Yesterday morning, I went for a walk on the beach and I was just so blown away. It was so nostalgic! Reminded me of the love that I had for God when I moved to Mombasa. Please don’t get me wrong, I still love Jesus. Though life was different then. But I was reminded to remain fluid regardless of the season in life. To always be available for the Spirit of the Lord to blow me in the direction that he pleases. Having the waves crash at my feet was an example of what He can do with a fluid heart.

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I left so recharged and in awe of God. I kept singing this song.

Oh that I will search for Him and find Him, everyday, in the big things and the little things.

We serve a big God!! He deserves all of our praise. May our life songs sing to Him.  Standing by the ocean humbled me. My response was YES! Yes, I will go where you send me, even across the fence, the nations and oceans. Obedience begins where I’m at, it’s not a destination but a state of being.

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Here’s to many more walks by the ocean, many refreshing reflections and an irresistible love for Jesus that oozes into every part of my life.

Remain Fluid, Always!

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Children: They Keep Me on My Toes And Remind Me To Remain On My Knees

Hello 🙂

I’ve been a little scarce on these streets. It’s Endometriosis Awareness Month, I’ve been writing more regularly on my other blog Yellow Endo Flower, sharing about living with Endometriosis in Kenya.

As I’ve written this month, I’ve been thankful. My little girls are a breath of fresh air, full of joy. They keep me on my toes, but also remind me to remain on my knees; to have a thankful heart and keep crying out to God, because there is nothing too difficult for Him. Oh there is nothing too difficult for the Lord.

Jer 32;27

I was sharing with hubby a few days ago about how I need to ask the Lord for forgiveness, because sometimes I know that He can do all things. But other times, I doubt Him. Yet He is God! Omniscient, Omnipresent and Omnipotent. He is God. Oh how I need to surrender, seek His will and trust His heart.

As Ksena and Kyria entertain me as I write, I am reminded that there is nothing too hard for the Lord. He is God. There is no situation too difficult for Him. These girls are my reminder that He is healer. Not even Endometriosis could stand in His way. There is no mountain too big for Him. So we put our trust in Him.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 New Living Translation (NLT)

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
    and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
    with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
    or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
    and they never stop producing fruit.

I say Praise be to the Lord. There is nothing too difficult for Him. Don’t give up on Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Don’t Give Up! You Can Do It.

“I can’t do it!” she exclaimed in sheer frustration.

At that moment I run to the bathroom and found her sitting on her potty, upset, saying over and over, “I can’t do it.”

As I stood at the door, A myriad of emotions flooded my heart. I was sad that the negative self talk voice was at work. I mean she is only two, don’t little humans get a bit more time without having to fight the other voices? I was determined to let her know that indeed she can and she will.

I hugged her and reassured her that she can do it and she will do it. I reminded her a simple truth, that she can do all things through Christ who strengthens her.

This happened at a time when I had been reading about Moses and I could really relate with him. The negative voice had told him that he was not skilled enough to speak to Pharaoh.

Exodus 4:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

God’s response showed Moses God’s power.

Exodus 4:11 New Living Translation (NLT)

11 Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord?

When I AM sends you, go, He is behind you and He knows it can be done.

Our memory verse for the season is:

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The good news is since that day, she has been able to use the potty and we have celebrated her effort. Potty training is a work in progress, like everything in life. Sometimes we get it right, other times we don’t, but all in all, we stay the course, and choose not to give up. We celebrate ourselves because we can, and we will.

What is it that you’ve been telling yourself that you can’t do? What have you been holding yourself back from doing? Today, I urge you to examine it according to the word of God and hear what He says. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Amani Ya Juu: Live, Love, Laugh

This morning, I am dancing to this song.

One of the things that I enjoy about being in Nairobi is that there are lots of places to go with young children, that you both enjoy. When I visited in 2016, a friend told me about a place that Ksena and I would enjoy, but we didn’t get a chance to visit it then.

A few weeks ago, we finally got a chance to go to to Amani Ya Juu. It was worth the wait. The serene atmosphere was exactly what our Monday needed. It has a nice playground for children under 10, a beautiful garden and a lovely gift shop. The gift shop is something to write home about. It has beautiful handmade goods with a card attached that includes the name of the person who made it and a bible verse.

“Amani ya Juu (Higher Peace) is a training project in sewing and marketing for African women who have been affected by wars and ethnic conflicts. The purpose of this project is twofold; one is to give African women an opportunity to improve their sewing and marketing skills to provide for the needs of their families and the other is to sow seeds of peace in the hearts of these women. Wonderful hand-made and hand dyed toys and home decorations, very African with a modern twist.” ~ Kenya Buzz

Above all, the peace of God, a higher peace is there. Amani ya juu! This is a place I would definitely go to read a lovely book, spend time with God and just be. And shop:).

These wall hangings from the gift shop are serving as a special reminder to live, love and laugh this year and for the years to come.

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Acts 17:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

If I am not connected to God I will not live, move and be as He designed me. John 15:5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” To live the life that God desires me to live, I must remain connected to Him.

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1 John 3:16 New International Version (NIV)

16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Love is more than the warm fuzzy feelings. Love is laying down my life for others. I had an interesting conversation with a mum a few days ago, she said parenting is all about sacrifice and I responded that you are the sacrifice. A living sacrifice, whose mind is constantly being renewed by Christ.

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Psalm 126:2-3 New International Version (NIV)

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us,
    and we are filled with joy.

God has done great things for me. When I take my eyes off Him I start to mumble and grumble, I lose the light in my eye and forget to laugh. Yet He has filled my mouth with laughter. Ksena has been reminding me to laugh from the bottom of my heart. This year, I will laugh.

I am really enjoying this ‘Sounds of Revival film’ by William McDowell.

http://www.williammcdowellmusic.com/watch-sounds-of-revival-film//

Blessings,

Bibi2be

The Crucible Project: Where Lives Were Changed

Something amazing happens when a man has an encounter with God.

About a week ago, I attended a very interesting graduation. There were no gowns, caps and tassels. But, there were certificates awarded to the men graduating and heartwarming, inspiring stories from the ladies in their lives.

Late last year, my husband was told about the Crucible Project. Being the curious wife I am, I quickly searched for more information on the website ( Thank God for the internet). The website described the program but didn’t really give details. And I wanted details. I wanted to know that on day one they will do a, b, c, d . You’d really think that I was the one attending this camp, but in my defense, we are one :).

I’ll have you know that even now, after Peter has attended it, I don’t know much more than the website tells you. And I am okay with that. Because what I do know, is that God was there, and I can see the change.

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The graduation was simple and amazing. It was really great to hear how different men had encountered God. Better still, how the women in their lives had seen the change. You cannot encounter God and remain the same. Something deep within changes, if you let it.

It is not about the mechanics of the camp, but about the encounter that they each had. The conditions at camp were standard but the men all left with something different. The common factor is that God had met them and that encounter had changed their lives forever.

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God longs to meet with us, love on us and change us. Sometimes we need to take time out from our busy schedules and spend uninterrupted time with him. This is exactly what the Crucible Project was for these men.

To the Crucible Project team, may the Lord bless you and keep you, may He cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace. May He satisfy you with Himself and grant you grace and strength to continue serving Him. Crossing oceans to come to Kenya was not in vain, lives have been changed, for the glory of the Lord’s name.

As I write this, Miss Ky are singing to this song on repeat. Death couldn’t hold him down. There is no situation too dead that the Lord cannot resurrect.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

5 Things Motherhood Has Taught Me

It’s amazing how much I’ve learned in my three years of being a mother. This journey that has stretched me, has also, blessed me. In the moments that I thought I would break I realized something new about myself, my God; a greater level of grace.

Life is a miracle

Conception, gestation and delivery are all a miracle, hands down, God’s hand can be seen through it all. Getting pregnant is not as easy as we sometimes think, carrying a pregnancy and giving birth through whichever method, are nothing short of a miracle. I constantly marvel at how great God is, to think that the sperm and egg fused, and he knit a being, with body parts, a soul, a mind, is truly mind blowing. Watching the girls grow has humbled me, made me see God as the creator. His handprint is all over our lives as a whole. Laminin continually blows me away. Indeed it is He who holds us together.

Good health should never be taken for granted

Being sick sucks. I’m currently recovering from a flu. It was bad. What’s worse though, is seeing my girls unwell. That is so difficult. I feel so helpless, I want to carry the sickness on their behalf, but more than anything, I want them to be well. Back to their good ol’ bubbly selves. Good health should never be taken for granted. Never, ever! Health is wealth.

Sleep, oh sweet sleep, is to be savored

When my bed time reaches, I bolt to bed. No one needs to tell me it’s time to sleep. Gone are the days of falling asleep watching a movie. Sleep is a priority. Sleep is a break. Sleep is a slice of heaven on earth. Perhaps the only thing I didn’t do enough of before I had tots, is sleep. I have no idea why I was waking up so early just before I delivered Ky; if only you could sleep in advance 🙂 Sleeping in feels like Christmas, y’know, it happens once a year.  Sleep when you can!

You give what you have

You can’t pour out of an empty cup. Motherhood is servant leadership. It’s sweet and dirty, because we all know that diaper won’t change itself; it’s hard work.  It’s stretching and rewarding. Being present, emotionally, physically and spiritually, can take a toll on you. I’ve learned and I continue to learn the importance of filling my cup, spending time with God and letting Him refresh me. When I am irritable, anxious and angry, I look within. The circumstances squeeze out what is within. Quiet time with God is not optional, it is crucial. His grace is sufficient for me. His mercies are new every morning, it’s up to me to let Him fill me up.

Be present now

‘They’ll be all grown up before you know it!’ Boy, is this phrase true. You don’t get these years back, so it’s best to enjoy the different seasons of life. Change is not always a bad thing. My girls are growing, aren’t we all. I keep reminding myself to enjoy these years, because I’ll never get them back. So we will draw together, play with rattles, sing and dance and have a great time.

We have to decide to live our best lives now. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. The biggest lie is that we have time, time to make up for the things we haven’t done; time to start living later. Today is a gift, let’s live it and be all that God created us to be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Where The Skies Are Grey

Today is a good day.

The last couple have been hard; difficult; a blur. The post baby blues have felt closer to navy blue, scratch that black. Pitch black. A big black hole, that I just couldn’t get out of. I’m not new to these dark shades, but what they encompassed these last couple of days, I was not ready for. They have shown me just how dark, dark can be. I was breaking, drowning on dry land. In a sea of sadness and loneliness. The saddest part, is drowning when you so badly want to and need to stay afloat. Struggling not to cry, battling anger, watching your appetite and milk supply diminish. Physically fine but running on Empty.

sadness

It’s hard not having a support system. God has blessed me with a great friend in my husband, he is a star! But there is only so much that He can do and be for me. I have grieved not having the support I would like, and then found comfort in the Lord. Because what else is there to do, but accept that this is a season, as you pray that it gets easier.

Psalm 119 has been such a comfort for me the last couple of days. And this song, is the anthem of my heart.

Out of the mist I have seen His hand.

Today is a better day. I’ve smiled from the depths of my heart, I have made it to the gym. I have done something for myself. I am writing; this is huge, I’ve struggled to write three lines in my journal, the dashboard of this blog has gathered some dust.

Miss Ky is 3 months, I’m all set to celebrate this far that the Lord has brought us. She is watching me write this, encouraging me with her smiles. I am grateful for the journey that is motherhood. Even on the days that I struggle, I know that these girls are blessings from above. They are not to blame for the complexities of my emotions. After all is said and done, It is well; and when it’s not, we hold on to the hope that it shall be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Love and Hair Chronicles

Let’s talk about love.

Love is many things, but the one thing that has a special place in my heart is, love is acts of service.

When I was a little girl, I loathed my hair being done. This led to my hair being shaved a number of times, not in a nice faded hair cut kind of way. Nah! Nobody had time for professional cut. It was a quickly done hair cut with scissors amidst tears. Not the pretty kind. But hair grows. And for that, we thank God!

My mum’s friend used to come and do my hair, it was her love language to my mum and I, though I was too sensitive to see it as that. By sensitive, I mean my scalp was sensitive and I didn’t like my hair being done (read: disturbed). My scalp is still sensitive so I avoid having my hair done in salons. And so far, so good. There are about 5 people who I let touch my head. Though once in a while, I miss being pampered, until I remember how my hairdressers live 500 kilometers away.

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Miss K, has a beautiful mane; she was born with a full head of hair. Miss Ky on the other hand, was born with a hair cut 🙂 so I had to trim her hair a few weeks ago. One of the things I had not fully thought about was how I would do their hair as they grew. When Ksena was old enough to have hair done, I realized she hated her head being touched, and I totally understood the feeling because she probably got it from me. I learned to let the unsolicited advice fly over my head. Many people had a vision for her hair, and we were still on the afro tip.

afro

Late last year, she begun to show interest in hairstyles other than afro. At first I was confused because we had been #TeamSensitiveScalp for as long as I could remember, but I had to shelve my biases and let her have her hair done. Slowly we begun to tie it up and we liked the results. Then she begun to ask if we could have a lady do house calls for her hair to be done. At that moment, I looked at with the phrase, ‘Who are you??’ running through my mind. But again, my biases needed to take a back seat.

Early December she had her hair done and it looked nice. It was decided that we’d have it done for Christmas. The week leading up to Christmas, had me looking for the stylist. Long story short, on Christmas Eve, I realized she was over booked and wasn’t coming. Cue mini panic. Because doing hair was not my thing. But life has a way of showing us that we can be and do different things at different times.

I was a little bummed she wasn’t coming, but the hair had to get done before Miss Ky woke up. I said a prayer and asked God to help me. In moments like those it is only God who can help. Half an hour later, Ksena had a new hair do that we all liked.

This verse came alive for me.

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In retrospect, maybe it’s not so bad that she didn’t come. In the midst of the mini hair crisis, I saw a side of me that I didn’t quite think I had.

Here’s to doing more things that are out of our comfort zones and trusting God to give us the knowledge we need. I am trying new things on her hair, and I’m determined to get better at doing more versatile hairstyles. Indeed, there is always of a silver lining.

With God by your side, nothing is impossible.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

The Sweet Things In Life

Happy New Year everybody 🙂

American pancakes are absolutely delish. I can’t have too many of them though, because bloating is real and wheat cushions my waist line 🙂 I enjoy oat and banana pancakes as well, but I’m on my own, the rest of the K squad like crepes.

When I made American pancakes to end the year, I had to convince Ksena to eat them by drizzling some honey on them. Since Miss Ky came, I’m on the clock most times. I’ve had to learn how to multitask and work faster, because as Ksena says, ‘mama has two totos’. And I need to meet their needs. So on this day, both girls wanted their breakfast stat but I couldn’t find the honey. After walking in circles, I decided to step out of the kitchen and look in from the outside. I found it immediately and was able to serve Ksena and feed Kyria. There was world peace in the K household.

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It got me thinking as I was breastfeeding, it’s the same thing with life, sometimes it’s important to look in from the outside and see just how blessed you are. If you are intentional, you realize the sweet things are right in front of you.

Here’s my ‘sweet things’ jar for 2017.

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I’m looking forward to keeping a record of the sweet moments and being thankful daily.

If you’d like to join me on this sweet journey of thanksgiving, you can make a sweet things jar by using a tin/container and wrapping paper to cover it. 

Have a blessed new year filled with joy, peace and good health.

Here’s to many adventures in Him and with Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

2016: Tried and Tested. Yet I Still Believe

The last couple of days have disoriented me. I’ve been too tired to cry. 2016 has been a roller coaster with really good days and some really sad, dark ones too. It’s had it’s share of trials and tests and I’ve had to keep reminding myself that this is not new.

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This December I read the Christmas story using the Advent reading plan; it was a beautiful time of reading. This verse really stood out for me.

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Some versions say, “He will be the source of our peace.” During the last couple of days, this verse has resonated with me. Life has made me feel anxious, antsy, angry, agitated. But I’ve been reminded to keep my focus on Jesus for He is the source of my peace.

A few days ago, as I put Kyria to bed, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, ‘Do you believe?’. I said, “I believe, help my unbelief. The truth is even in the midst of the darkness, I still believe, though doubt sometimes floods my heart; I know in the depths of my heart that He is for me.

This song came to mind and it has been my declaration since.

I don’t need to see the bigger picture to believe what God says. By faith I can speak and see a thing.

I’m going into 2017 , not limited by what I’ve seen in 2016 but believing that His word is true, that there is so much that I can do. I’m believing that because He said it in His word, it settles it in the earth.

Through the trials and tests, I still believe that He is for me and I am safe in His arms. So I have chosen to give up my pride and turn away from arrogance. I’m not concerned with great matters or subjects too difficult for me. I have stilled and quieted myself in His embrace, just as a child; just as my sweet Ky is still in her mother’s arms.

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Here’s to 2017!

God  is on the throne my dear friends, here’s to many more adventures in Him and with Him.

Happy new year!!!

Thank you for journeying with the K’s and I ❤ I’m excited to see where the Lord orders our steps!!

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Sisterhood From A Two Year Old’s Perspective

When I was growing up, I always wanted a sister. I had our lives all planned out. How we’d have little tea parties, raid each others wardrobes, enjoy some hand-me-downs and crack the boy code together.

Well, truth be told, things didn’t turn out as I expected. When mama came from the hospital, she had a bouncing little boy ( I wonder why newborns are referred to as bouncing anyway, seeing as they lay pretty still). Back to my story, a precious little boy made his debut into our home. I was sad that I had officially been dethroned as the only child ( they didn’t prepare me enough). I now had to share everything including my parents attention. But I survived; though I still longed, ever so deeply for a sister.

I must say though, God did give me sisters from other mothers. Along the way, seasons have changed and time and distance have had their way. But, there is a bond I’ve made with a few, that has stood the test of time, proximity and shifting seasons.

Watching Ksena and Kyria together has struck chords in my heart. I’m learning so many lessons about sisterhood. The simple truths.

This is what sisterhood is according to a two year old:

Sisterhood is checking up on each other

Every morning, when Ksena wakes up, she comes into my room and says “Good morning mama, where is my sister? How was her night?”

During the day, she constantly asks, “Mum, what is Kyria/sister doing? How is she feeling?”

Sisterhood is protecting each other

When someone that Ksena doesn’t know picks up her sister, she stops what she is doing and asks us ( her parents) what is happening, to know if her sister is safe. She always points out little things that she thinks will hurt Kyria.

Sisterhood is helping each other

This morning, Ky refluxed as she was on her bouncy chair. Immediately Ksena said, “Mama, Kyria spat up. Let me help wipe her.” Then she took a muslin cloth and wiped the spit up. And Ky gave her a big toothless smile.

Sisterhood is standing in the gap

When Kyria starts crying, Ksena is the first person to jump off her seat and attend to her. If she sees I’m taking too long, she comes and says, “Mum! Kyria needs your help. Mum, come help Kyria!”

Sisterhood is loving each other

“Oh Kyria, you are my sister. You are my friend. I love you. Mama, I love Kyria very much.”  These words leave Ksena’s mouth daily. She tells her she loves her and showers her with kisses, hugs and prezzies that she’s made.

Sisterhood is enjoying each other’s company

Ksena likes to be in the same space with Kyria. She is constantly asking to lie next to her or seat next to her or carry her. The look on Ky’s face when Ksena is around is heart warming. She follows her around with her eyes and is all smiles.

Sisterhood is teaching each other

Ksena is currently teaching Kyria to make music (read: sing, dance and play an instrument). She shows her how to do it then asks her to have a turn. Ky smiles in return and bounces to the music in her chair.

Sisterhood is sharing

Haha this is a tricky one. It means sharing parents and toys. Some days there is good sharing of toys. All in all, it’s a work in progress.

Sisterhood is holding each others hands

Ksena likes to hold Kyria’s hands. I constantly discourage this, because Kyria eats her hands. So it’s a song, “Ksena, please don’t touch Kyria’s hands!” then she responds, “but I love her!! Mama, I love my sister very much!” Kyria also reaches out to touch Ksena. Indeed, sisterhood is holding each others’ hands.

Watching this relationship blossom is an answer to prayer and a subtle #sisterhoodgoal.

I’ve been longing to have a milkshake and adult conversation with a sister, but as I wait for that day, I’m going to enjoy watching these girls love on each other.

This weekend, reach out to your sister, let her know you love her. If you can, hang out with her, listen to her and BE with her. If your relationship with her is in a hard place, pray about it, then pick up the phone and extend an olive branch.

Here’s to sisterhood; a relationship made in heaven.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Know That Nose :)

‘She has your eyes!’

‘She looks like her daddy!’

In the last couple of weeks I have heard all sorts of statements as people try to figure out who Ky looks like.

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When I saw Ky for the first time, I couldn’t put my finger on who she looked like. All I knew is that she looked very different from Ksena. I didn’t think she looked like a potato 🙂 I just thought she looked like Ky. But, babies change. They grow. When I look at pictures of Ksena as a newborn and at her now, she looks like two different people. Just this week, is when Hubs pointed out that Kyria looks like Ksena did when she was a baby. Now that he mentions it. I see it. I do! They are similar. But so different. They are individuals.

I sent a friend of mine a pic of Ky, then she showed it to her husband without telling him who it was. He responded, ”I know that nose! That’s Ksena’s nose.” He knew it was Ky. Yes my girls have what I call the Kimemia nose 🙂 It’s their unifying feature with their daddy. So, as much as Ksena (apparently) looks like me, she has her daddy’s nose. They both have their daddy’s nose. The K girls.

I laughed when I heard how prominent the nose is. It’s so precious that without being told who it was, he knew that it was Kyria, yet he hasn’t met her yet. This got me thinking, that there are characteristics that people identify and remember us by. My prayer is that the girls will be identified by and remembered for much more than the K nose. I pray that their love for Jesus and character will have the ‘nose’ effect. I also wouldn’t mind them being the K girls who ride 🙂 that’d definitely be a Kimemia influence 🙂 but all according to God’s plan.

This morning we are dancing to this song in the K household.

Miss K is on the drums as Miss Ky is bobbing her head in her bouncy chair. My prayer is that we will be known for standing out, like the three hebrew boys.

Have a blessed day,

Bibi2be

 

The Manger Project

Story time in the K household is quite entertaining. Most times, Miss K switches between the audience and the story teller.

I’m so glad that children’s books have illustrations that help to tell the story. Most times, they ARE the story.

This is a typical story time:

Mum reads the story……

Miss K speaks up-

“Mama, what’s this?”

‘Mum, and this one?”

“Mummy, look! It’s a cow. Moo!!”

*chuckles*

Last week as we were reading the Christmas story, Ksena asked me these questions:

“Where is Jesus?”

“Where is His bed? Mama! Where is the bed for Jesus?”

I showed her the manger and explained to her that the inn was full, so he had to be born in a stable. I later told her that Jesus is the lamb of God, and lamb are born in stables. Hmm, I know she probably didn’t get the ‘Lamb of God’ part, but it’s so nice to introduce her to Jesus in a way that gives her more perspective. I’m preparing for our Easter story sessions a few years from now, or earlier. We talked about how not all little ones have a bed or the same toys that she does, but we can share with them.

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As I reflected on our conversation, I got an idea that I called the ‘Manger Project’. The aim of the ‘Manger Project’ is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a mum this Christmas. You can bless a new mum this Christmas season by putting together a little bag with essentials, giving her baby accessories. Showering her with love. Helping her through pregnancy and post delivery.

The manger project is about being available, offering your heart, time and ‘stable’.

We may not have all that we desire, but we can be a blessing to one another.

Over the next couple of days, there will be many conversations in our household about presents-giving them and receiving them, as well as presence; Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. As we make merry, may our eyes and hearts remain stayed on Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Please Don’t Touch My Neck

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Every evening after 5:30pm, Miss K asks where her daddy is. Then informs us that he is coming home. She still can’t read a clock, but her body knows it’s evening. Miss Ky on the other hand, knows when it’s time to shower. 6pm is the time. If you delay it by ten minutes, she starts crying; then she starts wailing. And then you deeply regret delaying her shower time.

She loves the water. I can’t wait to start baby swimming with her in a few weeks. She kicks and smiles in the water. It’s such a delight to watch. All is well until you try to clean her neck. She’s figured out how to tuck her chin into her chest and keep her neck out of bounds. But her neck needs to be cleaned. After hosting a  mixture of sweat, spit up and peeling skin, it must see some water and soap. A wet wipe cannot work. She must shower.

Yesterday, as I washed her neck, my spirit was prompted to ask which areas of  my life I refuse the Lord to cleanse, yet they need to be cleaned. It’s easy to judge Ky, but I am like her. For one reason or another, I resist the Lord’s efforts to clean. I too have a smelly, sticky ‘neck’. One that cannot benefit from spraying some perfume.

I’m convicted to allow the Lord to cleanse me that I may be clean. It may feel awkward or inconvenient, but the cleansing is necessary. I pray that every time I clean her neck, I will remember to let the Lord cleanse my neck.

What is your neck? Which part of your life do you resist Him from touching? Would you let the Lord cleanse it today and everyday? 

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I dream with my eyes open

You never really know yourself until you live with someone. Then you get to see who you are when pushed to the wall and when you are embraced and praised. The best perk of them all, is that you get to hear and maybe see (depending on the other party) how you act after hours.

The latter has been true for me. For many years I suffered from Bruxism. I’d gnash my teeth for hours while asleep. I later found out it was a symptom of anxiety. A few months into this married life, I begun to feel safe and pray about it and the Lord delivered me. It didn’t irritate me much, but, hubs on the hand was a bit confused initially that I’d gnash my teeth and sleep through it all.

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Over the years we’ve been married, I’ve heard all sorts of tales about what I do after hours. Most recently, I participated in the mannequin challenge without knowing. And, because hubs knows that I will deny it ever so vehemently, he records it for proof. I surprise myself every once in a while.

I generally go through seasons where I dream a lot. Currently, I’ve been too exhausted to dream as I normally do. I mean, the short naps barely leave time to feel rested, let alone be entertained by dreams. But once in a while I do dream, ever so vividly.

My body has somewhat adjusted to this night shift life. Somewhat, is the key word. I’ve figured that this shift allows me a lot of time to think. Think about life, in it’s vastness. It’s great to see how brainstorming with myself produces good results. I find solutions at this time.

Recently, I begun to dream. To see my life beyond burp cloths, diaper changes and craft sessions. This is a big deal!!! With Miss K, I was stuck in a hole. A hole so dark it consumed me. This time I can see the light!!! I can see new lights. New opportunities. I can dream new dreams. This time, I am inspired. Inspired to hope, love and to dream. To see beyond my horizon (the wall in front of me as I try to burp Ky).

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I’m writing down my dreams and desires. Committing them to prayer and allowing myself to hear God speak.

Oh yes, I’m praying. It’s amazing how God speaks. I’m praying about everything and seeing God move in all things.

Joseph was labelled the dreamer, but His dreams came to pass. I’m holding on to my dreams and clinging to God’s perfect plan for me.

God’s not done with me!

I’m here being fully present in my current season, fully acknowledging that though it may be difficult sometimes, it is not a prison. I’m pursuing the King of Kings; and dreaming. Oh, I’m dreaming with my eyes open.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

My Heart. And Sweet Potatoes

Hello! From the middle of a growth spurt. I’m that mama whose been breastfeeding all morning and counting down to nap time, that’s if the girls allow. They have this deal, where one takes a nap and the other keeps the sleepy-in-desperate-need-of-a nap- mama company. This seems like a legit plan to keep me from getting bored, after all, they are pretty good entertainers.

In the midst of it all, the conversations that I have with Miss K, are so precious. One of the things that I am really enjoying in this season is that she can communicate what’s on her heart and how she feels.

One evening as I burped Miss Ky seated on my bed. Miss K came to keep us company and begun to knock on the head board smiling. Below is the conversation that followed:

Me: “When Jesus knocks at the door of your heart, what do you say?”

Miss K: “Karibu!” (welcome)

Me: “What do you tell him?”

Miss K: “You can have my heart”

Me: “Yes *smiles* and your whole life”

Miss K: “Yes. And Ngwacii?” (and sweet potatoes?)

Me: Yes and Ngwacii.

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This verse came alive for me.

Miss K understands that Jesus wants her heart. Over and above that, she longs to cultivate a relationship with Him. She desires to share the normal things of her life with Him too. On this particular day, sweet potatoes happened to be what she wanted to share.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. My prayer is that I will create an environment where she can encounter the Lord. That I will continue to speak His truth to her, and let her pursue Jesus.

I’m challenged to take time out and have a meal as I pray and let God speak to me.

Would you share a meal with Him today? Take time out to hear Him speak.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

On Second Thought, Don’t Put Me Down

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and chuckle. It’s evident how much I’ve changed the last two years, physically I look more or less the same. Emotionally and mentally, I am a different person.  How calm I am is a testimony if God’s grace. I see the difference between Ess as a first time mum and Ess as a second time mum.

As my mama puts it, experience is the best teacher. My experience of being a mum has come with perspective. And perspective makes all the difference. It informs my decision on how to spend my energy, which moments to savor and what to be anxious about (read: commit to the Lord in prayer as I await His peace).

I know how fast the days pass by. I know that one day I will sleep, one day baby will sleep through the night. Do I hear a hallelujah? You my dear friends may need to remind me this a few months from now. This too shall come to pass.

Speaking of hallelujah, my household has this song on repeat. It calms Miss K and Miss Ky down. Hallelujah!

Perspective has helped me be more present in the now. I’ve made a deliberate decision to enjoy the season.

When I had Miss K I started ‘Lessons from my daughter’ . It looks like it’s time to add ‘s’ to daughter, because Miss Ky is making her debut today.

When she was born, she was a trusting little human being. You could hold her with one hand and she wouldn’t know the difference. About a week ago, it all changed. All of a sudden, she was aware of the fact that she was being put down and to top it up, she was weary of being put down. Rather the process. She was grasping for something to hold.

It is important to note that the hands holding her hadn’t changed. The surface she was being placed on remained constant, but she’d changed. She was more aware, and the ‘hold on for dear life’ reflex was activated.

This lesson floored me. God used Ky to show me that fear comes from within. When I feel afraid and weary of being put down, and the times I even feel let down; I need to remember that His hand has not changed. His love and plans for me remain constant.

His hand, love and heart never change. I am still safe in His hands. He knit me in my mamas womb. He has been upholding me for much longer than I can remember. He can be trusted. He is faithful.

Are you feeling afraid? Weary of being placed down or let down? Remember that God remains the same. His hand and His heart are still for you. He loves you with an everlasting love.

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Isaiah 41:10 has a new meaning for me. I was upheld and He still upholds me.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Don’t Want To Be An Ostrich Mama

As a child, I was fascinated by Ostriches. I thought they were intriguingly beautiful. There was something about the way they spread their wings that enthralled me.

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I hadn’t thought about an Ostrich for a long time, well, that was up until a couple of weeks ago when I read Job 39.

Job 39:13-18New Living Translation (NLT)

13 “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly,
    but they are no match for the feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on top of the earth,
    letting them be warmed in the dust.
15 She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them
    or a wild animal might destroy them.
16 She is harsh toward her young,
    as if they were not her own.
    She doesn’t care if they die.
17 For God has deprived her of wisdom.
    He has given her no understanding.
18 But whenever she jumps up to run,
    she passes the swiftest horse with its rider.

 

As I read this scripture, my heart was convicted. Verse 16 and 17 tugged at my heart strings and caused me to ask the Lord to search my heart. To reveal to me the ways that I have been harsh, insensitive, deprived of wisdom and lacking understanding.

This passage refused to leave my mind. It replayed in my heart for days on end. Then I begun to see how Ostrich like I have been in my motherhood journey and my heart, oh, how it broke. It became crystal clear (again) that I cannot rely on my own wisdom (or lack thereof). 

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My prayer is that in my newborn hazing state I will not be impatient and harsh towards the K girls. That I will be sensitive to the status of their hearts and dreams. That I will be a woman and an understanding mother. Oh, how I pray for wisdom to raise these girls. That I will be loving towards them, that I will always speak lovingly and that my heart will be keen to notice if they are dying in any part of their lives. That my tongue will speak life and not death. That I will encourage them to pursue their dreams and create an environment where they can encounter the Lord.

Now when I think about an Ostrich, I remember that though she is swift and grande, she lacks understanding and has been deprived of wisdom.

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Dear Lord,

Please do not deprive us of wisdom. We ask that you will send your angel to give us instructions on how to raise these children like you did to Manoah and his wife in Judges 13.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

I Will Love, Dearly, Deeply and Deliberately <3

The two lines made my heart skip a beat.

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courtesy of peonies and picnics

Joy and awe flooded my heart.

But doubt was not very far behind.

Two sets of hands of feet were joining our family. Two sets of dreams and destiny. We were going to be parents of two little humans.

I didn’t feel ready, better still qualified. The truth is that sometimes I doubt that I’m doing a good job mummying one set of hands and feet, so the thought of a  bonus had me shaking in my boots. Wondering how I’d love two people. Half hoping it would just happen, and praying that I could be objective, sans favorites. Oh Lord, without favorites. Because they are both mine, my flesh and blood. Above all, they are God’s and I am, we are, just stewards.

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As the days went by, I stopped saying I’d love them equally because I felt like it put a limit on the love, like I had to divide.

I decided to love them dearly, deeply and deliberately. To act it out and say it loud.

And what is love?

Love is being patient and kind even when the crank from sleep deprivation wants to take the day. Love is not being jealous, proud, rude or boastful. It does not demand it’s own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. Love is keeping my word. Singing one more song, building legos, not being easily angered. Love is not rejoicing about injustice but rejoicing whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love is showing up, doing the sacrificial thing, laying down my life. (Some parts of this are from 1 Cor 13:4-8)

Love is what Christ what would do. He lay down His life for me and paid the price for my sin. He loves me everyday and nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39) I have seen my husband model love to me and the girls, love makes all of the difference.

Love is teaching them about God, sharing the gospel with them and leading by example. Love is discipling them.

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Here I am, repurposing daily to love these girls,deeply and deliberately. To drink deeply from the well of love and fill my cup. I can’t give what I don’t have. My glorious redeemer set the perfect example for me. He gave His life for me. Now I give my love to the K girls.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Lessons From The Pit

Life is a teacher.

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This phrase came up in a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. It was so timely. It summarised exactly where I was at.

A little background, after I had Miss K, I was a walking train wreck. Things did not go according to plan, my dream of a vaginal birth ended up in ‘ I’m sorry Esther, you are still at 6 cms (8 hours later). It is Cervical Dystocia. We have to have an emergency cesarean section’. I crumbled. This. Was. Not. The. Plan. I cried ( if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you can tell that my eyes are cleansed often 😉 I was scared. Disappointed. Ready for the pain to end immediately. Because those contractions had me calling Jesus in every language I knew.

The after was difficult. She was jaundiced. She HATED phototherapy. The little incubator was called ‘Hawaii’. You go in clad in a diaper only and get a tan. Her cries woke up the other babies in the nursery. It was bad. Miss K dislikes the heat, imagine Hawaii in Mombasa. I think there were two days she spent more time out of Hawaii than in it. This mama was tired. The cries were ruining my ‘honeymoon’ phase. I couldn’t even stare into her eyes because they were bandaged. Let’s not even get into the squint that formed because the patches were letting in light ( story for another post).

I was not ready for the after. So I stopped. I stopped doing the things that I loved.

Then we discovered that she was a high need baby. Guys (she uses this word a lot now) THIS. WAS. HARD!! Wondering what a high need baby is? Check this out.

I sunk into a pit. I remember one day my husband found me wailing on the bed. I could barely speak. My world seemed grim. I was physically exhausted, mentally and spiritually drained. I had stopped living. I was merely existing. This experience of bringing forth life was draining me of life. I was dying; dead on the inside. And I didn’t know how to get out of the pit of darkness. I struggled for months on end. I had stopped writing. Stopped doing the things that made me feel alive.

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I don’t know what the days to come hold, but I know who holds me.

I’m not afraid to ask for help. If you see me slowly dashing in the supermarket (in my mind I’ll be moving at super speed, my legs may be moving much slower) know that it’s just me being proactive.

Staying indoors depresses me. So I will go out, look at the ocean. Enjoy some sunshine with the girls. I will write. I will live. By God’s grace, I will stay out of the pit. Even if it tries to draw me back, I know that God is able. It’s so easy to slip into the pit but so difficult to get out. The longer you stay inside, the deeper you sink. Only the hand of the Almighty can raise you out.

Postpartum depression is real. God’s love, grace and mercy are real too.

Here’s to applying the lessons learned in the pit. And trusting that the God who rescued us, is able to sustain us.

Say hello to Mr. Octopus, my crafting with Miss K of the day. My little reminder that I am still alive.

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For any mama going through the pit, I pray that the Lord will rescue you. May He be the fourth man, as He was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Look Whooos Here :) Our Quiver And The Hand Of God

I have seen the hand of the Lord!!

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, replaying the last one week in my mind and I can’t help but stand in awe of God. Every fibre within me wants to give praise to His name because I am convinced without a shadow of doubt that it was Him who carried me through. I am here because His victorious right hand was with me.

1 Chronicles 16:8-11 New Living Translation (NLT)

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.
    Let the whole world know what he has done.
Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.
    Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.
10 Exult in his holy name;
    rejoice, you who worship the Lord.
11 Search for the Lord and for his strength;
    continually seek him.

More than a week ago, I was 39 weeks 3 days pregnant, and anxiety had flooded my whole being. I couldn’t keep still, I was cleaning, arranging and driving all around. When evening came, I begun to stall. We went out for dinner and I wasn’t in a hurry to get home. I even negotiated check in time with my doctor to be as late as possible. After settling Miss K to bed, my calloused soles became an emergency that I needed to attend to before I could be admitted. 🙂 Thank God for my patient mummy and hubby.

I finally got to hospital at 10pm on the dot. I barely slept the first night, I was too anxious, also hospitals are not hotels. How I longed for my bed and for a goodnight sleep sans the screeching trolleys in the corridors. At 4:30am, I was woken up to shower and get ready for theatre. Immediately I stirred, the Holy Spirit placed this verse in my heart.

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This verse ended up being my lifeline. I hang onto every word of it. Every. Single. Word. It was my hope. It was my promise. And I held on to it with my all.

I was fasting that morning, so I had more than enough time to twist my hair as I danced to my anthem of the day, err, week.

As I sung this song, my spirits lifted. I was convinced without a shadow of doubt that God was with me and that He had gone ahead of me. Even as I had desired a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) yet it didn’t come to pass, I knew He was Lord of it all and Lord in it all.

I’ve had 4 surgeries under general anesthesia but this time my desire was that God would allow me to be present as this little one was born. When the VBAC failed to happen, I knew that a Spinal Block was my next bet. I have heard some horror stories about life post spinal block and read the statistics of the side effects. But my heart still wanted what it wanted. To be present. To hear the little one cry. To give thanks in real time. To witness the miracle of birth, the way that He would allow.

As I was wheeled to theatre, my heart was lighter. I knew that God had gone ahead of me and was with me. I had spent a lot of time praying for the team I would find in theatre on the day, and He blew me away. The people who needed to calm my heart were there; they spoke the truth of the Lord to me, as I waited. The doctors and nurses were exactly who God needed to be there. Best of all, I knew that God was there. He was my midwife and my chief physician. As the anesthesia took it’s effect and I lay there, I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was with me, for me and in me.

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The things that troubled my heart,the anxieties that mauled my peace were put at ease when I let Him be God. I had experienced sleepless moments the last couple of weeks wondering how it would all play out, but God! God did it. That morning before the clock struck 9, Miss K was promoted to big sister as Miss Ky made her debut into the world outside the womb. I was present. I heard her cry. I prayed as tears of joy streamed down my face. My heart was at peace.

I’ll probably blog about the last couple of weeks in detail in the coming days. The fact remains that I’ve seen His hands and feet in the people around me, those who’ve prayed, consistently reached out, taken time out to just be. The righteous hand of the Lord has upheld me. He has carried me.

Now we are 4 Ks. Our quiver is fuller.

We are blessed.

We are not alone.

We have been helped.

We are strengthened.

We are upheld.

All glory, honor and majesty be to our King.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

At Crossroads: WWJD?

What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.-Caitlin

I constantly find myself at crossroads, where my flesh and spirit are on opposite sides and I’m faced with a decision. In those moments it is hardest to keep calm, especially when my flesh has various ideas on how to react.

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In the recent weeks, I’ve found myself asking this question out loud. Because I cannot trust my instincts or emotions to give me the right answer. On several occasions I have acted in haste and come to regret it soon after. Exhaustion and frustration can make me react in ways that I normally wouldn’t.

In the heat of the moment I am training myself to ask God to show me what Jesus would do, because my list of options least glorify Him. I’m learning to ask What Would Jesus Do? at all times.

Sometimes the answer is obvious, rather it comes easily, other times, it takes time. In the waiting time, I’m learning to shut up and sit put, when all the atoms within me are raging for me to take action. Not all of my feelings need to verbalized. This is a self control exercise. Spirit over flesh.

You can only know how someone would react in a certain situation when you spend time with them. If you want to know God more you need to:

i) Read God’s word for yourself, ask Him to open up your eyes to see He is doing and your ears to hear what He is  saying.


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ii) Pray. Pray. Pray.

This song, has been such a lovely reminder that I need to pursue Jesus wholeheartedly.

The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, its more than I can stand
I melt in your peace, its overwhelming

Chorus 4x

Read more: Kari Jobe – The More I Seek You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The counsel of the Lord comes with His overwhelming peace. May we seek Him, find Him, and love Him. If we love Him, we will obey His commands.

WWJD?

This song is my prayer this morning:

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Hello Fear! Goodbye Fear!!

I’m so fed up of being afraid!

I’m yet to see good fruit that fear has borne.

April 2011 is when I started listening to this song on repeat.

A few days after my dad passed away I was gripped by fear. I was afraid of the dark, because every time I lay my head down I saw his corpse. I was afraid of dreaming, because I didn’t know how my dreams would be without him. I was afraid of the grande and mundane. So when Kirk wrote this song, it was for people like me. Those who are prisoners, trapped and disabled by fear. Alive but afraid.

Fear has become a norm in society. Even the ‘safe’ cartoons have episodes where they teach children to be afraid. Last week, hubby had to put off the t.v because every episode was an ‘introduction to fear’ class. Fear has become normal, many social platforms that I read from have normalized fear, honestly, after reading some comments, it’s possible to question if you really want to walk into a certain season. For example childbirth and raising children: subconsciously I found I’m afraid of labour, delivery, colic, tantrums. The truth is I’m afraid even though I have not experienced these things; when the time comes for me to go through them, my experience will be void of the joy and wonder.

It’s good to be informed but not bombarded with fear.

We are a society devoid of truth. We’ve accepted the fear and lies as our truth. So we have many people walking bent in to two because they are carrying burdens and expectations that are:

a) not real

b) not theirs to carry

They are paralyzed by fear.

Fear and anxiety have been cruising through my heart for weeks, today, I woke up tired. It’s been coming for the last couple of days, but today! Nah, today was IT. So earlier this morning, I sat down and wrote a list of the things that make me anxious and afraid. And I prayed over the list. Asking God to show me His truth and give me His peace that it may guard my heart and mind in Him.

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I want truth. Truth above all else! I want to experience His fullness and grace. I want to enjoy the rest in good pastures (Psalm 23) and enjoy the pleasant land and wonderful inheritance that He has given me (Psalm 16).

For today and the days to come, I refuse to be a slave anymore, to carry burdens that aren’t mine to carry. I choose freedom. I choose truth. Truth above all else.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Loved. I Prayed. I Lost. But Still I Hope.

I loved.

I prayed.

I lost

But stiIl, I hope and trust.

Depression is real. It’s not a figment of one’s imagination or an extended monday blue session. It’s real, alive and it consumes one on the inside.

Having had a front row seat to witness the effects and realities of depression, I know how real, dark and hopeless it can be.

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You see, as a child, I had no idea what was going on with my dad but I knew something was off. This invisible, anonymous thing was robbing my family and I of joy. And so I prayed for him for 14 years. In the beginning I was naive. As I grew up, I understood more and the more I understood the less I really did. I quickly realized that I couldn’t rationalize depression. That it was dark, cold and lonely.

It was beyond my control.

So I had to let it be. Though for years I felt like I should have done more.

Been more.

Prayed more.

I prayed, ever so fervently yet I still lost him. Since then, I have lost other people to depression and I have had even more questions. I’d love to say that death has lost its sting, but sometimes the reality of death stings my heart, especially when it seems so premature.

What my little heart struggles with most now, is seeing other people walk down this road and knowing that God doesn’t always answer prayers as we’d desire. It was initially difficult to be honest with myself and say that I was disappointed, that my prayer wasn’t answered as I’d hoped. And a part of me was almost scared to pray for this again, to walk this road again. Because I know how it can end. A part of me has been afraid to pray as fervently, to believe against all odds, that one can conquer it. But quite recently I was reminded that God is faithful and able regardless of my story. His strength and grace are not determined by what happened, He is God and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I do pray that I will always remember that prayer changes things and I will always keep hope alive even in the darkest of days.

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If you have someone close to you struggling with depression, keep praying, keep believing and keep trusting. We don’t know how tomorrow will be, if they will beat this thing or not, but we do know that we have today, to love and live as best as we can. I pray that you both will experience the hand and heart of God.

If you are struggling with depression and feel as thought you are drowning in a sea of darkness and hopelessness, I earnestly pray that the Lord who calmed the storm in Luke 8 will be close to you. That He, in His own time, will calm the storm and lead you out, where feet may fail. That He will help you to walk upon the waters, those very waters that have threatened to swallow you alive.

To those struggling and those loving the ones who are, lots of love, grace and peace to you ❤

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Are You Opening Doors You Shouldn’t Be?

Baby videos make for some good comedy. It’s hard to go through a whole compilation video without a fit of the giggles.

Babies! God bless them. The ones I found particularly fascinating were how they climbed out of their cribs like pros.

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courtesy of youtube

This is one of the reasons we upgraded Ksena’s bed to something bigger, so that she’d have enough space to sleep and play when she wakes up;  thus reducing the temptation to test her agility.

Last week, I woke up early and decided to make pancakes. Crepes to be specific. They take way too long to cook. They are a labour of love. As I cooked, I heard some sounds coming  from the monitor and I immediately knew that miss K was up and ready to go. In fact, she was so ready she was trying to let herself out of bed without asking for help.

I heard her play with the latch, and wanted to finish cooking the pancake on the pan then I could wash my hands and pick her. Picking her up allows me to ask her how her night was and it gives us an opportunity to pray for the day. If I allowed her to walk out on her own, she’d probably find things to do before she reached the door.

When I got to the door, she heard my footsteps and run back to where her pillow was and smiled with her eyes closed. She knew that she was pushing the boundary. Instead of taking matters in to her own hands she should have called out and I’d have been there to pick her. We’ve never failed to pick her, so she has no reason to believe that we wont. Though, she is also growing and wanting to do more things for herself. We bless God for the milestones, and pray that she’ll know where to draw the line.

As I thought of what to tell her, I realized that many times I act in the same way. I start opening latches to exit the place that the Lord has placed me for my own good. Yet, I have ample space to do and be all that He desires me to do and be.

As I’m writing this, I’ve heard her shout out, ‘I need help! Please help!’. Oh, that I too may know when and whom to ask for help. And I may trust God’s timing and plan because it is perfect.

Have you been opening doors that you shouldn’t be?

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Call out to the Lord for help, even when you think that you’ve got it all figured out. He is faithful and He has good plans for us.

God bless you.

Have a lovely week ahead.

Bibi2be

 

They Call Me Pretty Lady

Third person.

Ksena talks in third person a lot now.

She is able to piece parts of conversations together. A few days ago, hubs was telling me about chicken that died. Ksena knows the friend and the said chicken. After we finished talking, she stopped playing and asked ‘what is died?’. Let’s just say I had not seen that coming. I’ll write how that conversation went in another post.

A week ago, we went out and we took a selfie. When I showed her the picture, she said ” mummy and pretty lady”. I smiled 😉 we’ve called her pretty lady since she was several weeks old. It’s a name that has stuck through the different seasons.

She knows her name is Ksena. But when she looked at the picture she saw Pretty lady.

We do have other names that complement more than her physical attributes :). This is one of the reminders that she is always listening, internalizing what we say. The way we raise her shapes how she sees herself and the world around her.

She knows that she is royalty, a daughter of the King of Kings.

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Oh that we will always remind her who she is and the greatness that is within her.

When I looked at the picture, I saw a mother and her daughter. A woman in between two worlds.

I pray that I will always see myself as God sees me. That every time I look at my reflection or image I will hear His truth echo in my heart. Daughter of the most High. Precious. His beloved…I could go on and on.

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you call yourself what God calls you or do the labels you have gotten over the years take the day?

For those with children, what do you call them over and above their names?

This week put a picture of yourself somewhere you can see it often, every time you see it, call yourself what God calls you. Then watch this truth transform your heart; the way that you think.

Blessings.

Have a lovely week.

Bibi2be

Broken Telephone: Shattered Screens and Realized Dreams

Tuesday 27th September 2016

The following events take place between 3:26am and 6:26am

3:26am

I wake up to check the monitor and realize that I need to adjust something in Miss K’s room. As I get up, I notice that my phone is low on charge, and decide to charge it on the other side of the room. As I bend and look for the cable, the phone falls, lands on the floor screen first and the screen shatters.

I say to myself, “What a start to a day!” Wait? Does 3:27am even count as a start to my day? It’s more like an intermission. I was planning on running back to bed and sleeping. I start to wonder if I really needed to charge my phone at that time. Thoughts of regret course through my mind. I’ve been here before, not so long ago actually. It was such a long process to get a new screen the last time, due to unavailability of screens in Mombasa. In Nairobi, it was only one guy who had it. I found him after weeks of searching. Sigh.

3:40am

I have thought about it long enough and the conclusion is the same; what’s done is done. So I pick up my bible and prayer books and head to the sitting room. After all, hubby usually says that if you wake up at 3am, it’s time to pray.

3:45am

It is such an inconvenient time for my phone to break. Yes, I’m still on this vibe, now I’ve just decided to tell God how disappointed I am. But there is only so much crying over spilt milk one can do, so I let that be and start to read God’s word. I start with 2nd Thessalonians and finish with 1st Thessalonians. In the process, my heart is left encouraged. Nowhere does it mention broken screens 🙂 but I know that there is more to life than the comfort of intact screens.

4:30am

I might as well write now that I am fully awake. I have been meaning to put together a work book that will help me teach Ksena shapes, letters, numbers, sizes, and God’s truth as we craft and sing. So I start writing, rather, I start drawing and it begins to flow.

By now, I am no longer sleepy. Though I know this sleep will catch up with me later in the day. At least I will have something to show for it.

I pour myself a cup of tea and continue writing. The satisfaction and joy builds in my heart with every sip I take and every letter I type.

6:00am

The book is almost done and I realize WOW!!! I love to teach this little girl and I would love to teach other children God’s truth. My desire to have a bible study here in Mombasa has not quite taken off, but this book can help other mums teach their children and have fun while at it.

6:10am

I should try get an hour of sleep, but first, I decide to write this blog post to be published later.

My heart is full. This workbook is one of my writing and teaching dreams on paper. It will help me to be intentional about teaching Ksena. Also, I love the fact that it integrates God’s truth with the basic things of life. It’s simple and fun. It’s intentional. This book has four lessons, you can spread each lesson over a week, so it should last you a month. Book 2 is already running through my mind.

I want to upload it on this blog so that people can download it. I am not quite sure how to do that just yet, but I am sure I will find a way. If you’d like to help out in this little project, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com .

If you would like to receive this book via email when I’m done with it this week, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and I will send you a copy.

Would I have woken up to write without my screen breaking? Let’s just say that sometimes God gets our attention loud and clear. I’ve been playing broken telephone for a long time, regarding this and other projects. Looks like this time the phone actually broke.

Here’s to keeping screens intact longer, heeding the Lord’s call and executing the dream.

6:26am

I finally sprint to bed for that extra hour of sleep. A bitter sweet start to the day, but I’m definitely dwelling on the sweet part.

Have a blessed day,

Bibi2be

 

Motherhood: Sleep Deprivation, Lovies and Shepherds

Before I had a baby, I was convinced that I couldn’t survive with less than 6 hours of continuous sleep. All of my friends knew that I was the first one to fall asleep at sleepovers. It was my thing. Even now, when I do stay up they can’t hide their shock as they wonder how I am still up past 10pm. Motherhood changes people. It changed me.

The first couple of weeks of being a mum I was sure I was dying slowly. The sleep deprivation shook me at the core. I was so exhausted and I struggled to see past the first few days. It seemed obvious to me that I wouldn’t make it, but almost 2 years down the line, I’m happy to report that my heart is still beating, I am breathing and sleeping through the night. I really feel like there should be some ululations after ‘and sleeping through the night’.

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Ksena slept well after the longest weeks of colic up until she hit the fourth month sleep regression. After that, it was pure chaos. I didn’t think it would ever end. She went from sleeping through the night to waking up every two hours. Sleep training was not working and my grace was decreasing. It was tough. By the time she was one year she still wasn’t sleeping through the night. Conversations with fellow mums were even more discouraging.

But God!!!

He came through. He answered our prayers and blew us all away. Once we stopped breastfeeding she started sleeping through the night. My body was in shock. It had forgotten how sleeping all night felt or worked.

After a few days of sleeping through the night, I was literally walking on sunshine. I was a new person. Praise be to God.

Motherhood changes you. A few days ago as I spoke to my sister, she interjected that ‘there is nothing that doesn’t change’. In my mother tongue, there is a finality around that statement. Things that we believed would never change, end up changing. As we spoke, I agreed with her, and the conversation remained in my memory until last night.

A few months ago, a dear friend gave Ksena a lovie. Everyone, meet Mary Lamb. Yes, her name is a shortened version of the song ‘Mary had a little lamb’.img_20160923_095937

Yesterday as I prepared Ksena’s bottle. She walked around with Mary Lamb. She held her in a very affectionate manner and at that time no one could take Mary Lamb away from her.

It hit me that there is something about a sheep and her shepherd. The shepherd knows the true value of the sheep and looks at her lovingly. Watching them together reminded me that Jesus loves His sheep(me, us) so much.

And this is the one thing that doesn’t change. God’s love.

Romans 5:8 New Living Translation (NLT)But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

Mary Lamb is a beautiful white as long as she doesn’t leave the bed. When she does, we start planning for her to be washed early so she dries in good time. We, God’s children, are just like Mary Lamb, if we stay in the confines of God’s plan we remain clean(er). Even on our best days, we are still sinners. His blood that was shed at calvary is what makes as white as snow.

  1. What can wash away my sin?
    Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
    What can make me whole again?
    Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

    • Refrain:
      Oh! precious is the flow
      That makes me white as snow;
      No other fount I know,
      Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

You can find the rest of the lyrics here.

There is something about a lamb and her shepherd.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Echoes, Colors and Freedom

It’s quite fascinating to watch toddlers grow. Their curiosity and eagerness to learn is beautiful to watch. They question and seek to understand the grande and mundane. Everything is fascinating, the grandeur of an old tree and the way crabs walk in the sand. I am enjoying this stage of questions, because it also forces me to think about why I believe what I believe about certain things. As I teach and answer, I try not to pass on any biases I may have picked up along the way, as they are not the truth.

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Miss K’s fascination for the last couple of months has been echoes. She can now recognize acoustics, and every time we enter a room or stairwell that reflects sound, she shouts “ECHO!” and waits to hear “echo echo echo” fade in the background. It’s a cheap thrill, the look of glee tells you that happiness is an inside job.

I’ve had a series of difficult days of the past couple of weeks, where I’ve felt like I was drowning or in an empty room. In the height of those days, I’d find her shouting ‘ECHO!’ in my bathroom and wonder why? Why echoes make her so happy. The truth is that echoes didn’t fascinate me as much as they do Ksena until the day I had a little revelation.

In audio signal processing and acoustics, echo is a reflection of sound that arrives at the listener with a delay after the direct sound. The delay is proportional to the distance of the reflecting surface from the source and the listener. Typical examples are the echo produced by the bottom of a well, by a building, or by the walls of an enclosed room and an empty room. A true echo is a single reflection of the sound source. This is the definition from  Wikipedia.

The distance to the source matters. Even in the dark and empty spaces, it is important for God to remain my source. It’s crucial that I remain close to Him, so that His word and truth may echo in my heart and mind.

From that day, I begun to pray that as I draw close to God, His truth and love will echo in every empty place I find myself in. That it will bounce off every wall of my being.

I have seen God bring color into the room, He has brought color into my life, wiped away the dullness and darkness. As His truth has reflected off surfaces, it has made a home in my heart. This song has blessed me in this season.

If you are in a dark space or you feel like you are drowning in a well, I pray that the Lord’s truth and promises will echo endlessly until your heart, mind and your whole being believes Him. I pray that God will walk into the room and bring new color into your life and wipe away the dullness.

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May His truth set you free. Free to rise up above everything that has held you down and free to be all that He created you to be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

The Rotten Avocado

Growing up, we had a huge Avocado tree in our backyard. There wasn’t much to say about it when the fruits were not in season, I mean there were no flowers. It was just a big green tree. When Avocados were in season, it was a different story.

That’s when I found out that an Avocado can be a meal on it’s own with salt (more like snack), an accompaniment, a spread and a dip. Basically, Avocado could be whatever you liked. We were always reminded that it had a good type of fat. Naturally, at the beginning of the season they all tasted lovely, the tail end of the season was full of mixed feelings. Some were good, some were not.

Avocado slices

courtesy:wwwglutenfreegigi.com

This year, I have enjoyed Avocado season. Yesterday morning, I had set my eyes on Avocado in the house, only to come and find it was gone. There are no dibs on Avo in our home 🙂 . I quickly sent for another one and was happy to find one that was ripe enough to eat yesterday. My Avocado buying experience has taught me that if the shop keeper says it’s for the day, it’s for tomorrow. If they sell you an Avocado that is for the said day, all it will be good for is a smoothie or deep conditioning treatment. Leave it in the heat for a couple of hours, and it’s uses change dramatically.

So cue music, I was all happy and ready to make my salad with Avo, when I cut into it and it was rotten. *Dramatic pause* I was so disappointed.  None of it could be salvaged, there was more black than green. More sadness than glee. I contemplated it’s other uses, but quickly came to terms with the fact that this one would have to see the bin.

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Now a little history about yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. One of those days where I cried before 10am. I was glass eyed for the better part of the day. And then, I spilled a packet of milk. It was an accident that made me more frustrated, then I found myself saying it is useless to cry over spilt milk. But all I wanted is to have my breakfast in peace. By the time I was done cleaning, my tea was warm. I like my tea hot. Clearly I woke up on the weepy side of bed, and all that I wanted was a good cry and then everything would be okay. I don’t underestimate the power of tears. They bring relief. Well unless, you have a toddler whose crying over every little thing, then, tears bring frustration. It builds slowly.

In the midst of it all, I was making tentative conclusive statements about life. Yup, one bad day, was suddenly shedding light on all my days. As I wrapped the Avocado in paper, I realized that I didn’t hate Avocados just because of that one rotten one. And I wasn’t going to not look for one tomorrow (today) because this one was rotten. Once I wrapped it up in the bag, and discarded it, it was over.

And that’s exactly how I ought to look at life. Some days are harder than others, but I shouldn’t let the hard days define the other days. I’ll save the moments of deep thought and conclusive statements for the days that I laugh till my ribs ache.

Here’s to Avocados, the tasty and the rotten; here’s to living and somehow praising through the good days and bad while trusting God’s promises.

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The rotten Avocado should not be the brand ambassador for Avocados. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Pep Talk Time: Accept The Season And Enjoy The Season

In a few months, it will be 4 years since we relocated to Mombasa. A long-short time. I’ve gotten to love it and I am almost used to the heat; though don’t ask me about the heat in January, February or March. I’ll be too parched to talk about it. The sun and humidity know how to tango during these months, and they put on quite a show that leaves you drenched in sweat. Don’t judge the momentum of the people who live at the Coast too harshly. The heat has a way of reducing your speed and bringing along lethargy.

You’d think that after all this time, I’d be fully settled and used to culture. Time after time, I find myself comparing it to Nairobi, because it is what I am used to. In some aspects, I have a lens that inhibits me from fully enjoying the season as it is. To be honest, I miss the variety that Nairobi offers. The restaurants, the malls, the hospitals and schools.  I miss my friends and family, though I’m slowly navigating my way around this; and thanking God for social media and my annual trips.

With the big picture in mind, I wouldn’t go back, or at least not just yet. I know that for this season in life, I am where I need to be. And that’s exactly it. Life is about seasons. It is important to recognize the season, and live in it.

I’ve been faced with decisions of late and I’ve missed having more options. Though, my security or wisdom do not come from my careful considerations of the options. After all, a man’s heart plans his way, but it is the Lord who directs His steps (Proverbs 16:9).

Another verse that I fully relate with in this time is:

lords-purpose

The King James Version says that the counsel of the LORD shall stand.

There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

In the midst of options and situations where the options are fewer, it is the Lord’s counsel that matters. I feel I need to say that again. It is the Lord’s counsel that matters.

So, I am placing my ‘Nairobi lens’ aside and any other lens that has hindered me from enjoying the season. I am taking on the Lord’s counsel and enjoying the season. No more ‘one foot in, one foot out’. I’m all in, and I am going to enjoy the season as the Lord has ordered my steps and continues to order my steps. For the glory of His name.

Has your ‘ideal’ lens been keeping you from enjoying your current season in life? Do you miss having options to consider and feel as though you are in complete control of your life? Spend time with the Lord and listen out for His counsel that it may stand.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Of Stuffy Noses and Praise

I seldom think about breathing, that is until I get a flu/cold. Then, I think about it all the time, if my nose is stuffy, I have to breathe through my mouth and swallow air while at it. If it’s runny, I just want to turn off the tap within and inhale and exhale in peace, without pieces of tissue next to me.

A stuffy or runny nose can humble you; breathing and talking become a little difficult. Now when your child catches the flu and scares themselves with their snores as they sleep, you stop and thank God for your flu-less days. That was me last night. Thanking God for all the days we breathe normally and asking that the Lord would heal the little one and give her peace as she sleeps.

This morning, I read Psalm 150 and I was reminded to praise God at all times. Because He is good. His goodness is not defined or measured by my circumstances.

(Psalm 150:1-6 NLT)

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
    praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
    praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
    praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
    praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

One of my favorite songs in this season is “Let Praises Rise” by ORU Worship. I particularly like this cover by Trey McLaughlin. Be sure to listen out for the guitar after 03:30 🙂

The lyrics are my prayer this week. I pray that in all that I do and all that I am that God will be glorified. That praises will rise from the inside everyday that I have breath within me.

Are you feeling a little discouraged? Have the storms of life left you in a dark valley? Play some worship music and sing along. Allow the Spirit of the Lord to minister to you and encourage you. Praise the Lord for He is good, in all circumstances. Praise Him for He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. He is God.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Elephant <3

I opened my hand bag the other day and smiled. I found one of Ksena’s stuffed animals, Elephant.

Elephant is one of the latest entrants into her collection. This one has a special place in my heart. A few days ago, as she sat in her car seat, she had a really sweet conversation with him.

“Elephant, come! Let’s pray. Close your eyes, and put your hands together.”

Then they begun to say the Lord’s prayer

“Our Father who art in heaven….”

After that, she prayed for the imaginary food that they would eat.

“Thank you Jesus, for the food…”

I looked at her through the rear view mirror and smiled.

My heart swelled with joy. It affirmed that she is learning more about God every day . Also, I was blown away by her desire to teach the stuffed animal what she knows about Jesus. Oh how I pray that this desire will continue for many years to come, that she will share the gospel with many, first in her sphere of influence and then with those beyond.

This reminded me of the great commission:great-commission

Do you know someone who could use a prayer? If you are in the same town, stop by and stand with them in prayer.

Do you know someone who needs to hear the gospel? Meet them and tell them about Jesus.

As I type this, Ksena is pushing Elephant around on her tricycle.

Have a blessed weekend.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

The Bubbles Of Life

“MAMA, blow bubbles”

“Pleeaassseee”

I hear these two sentences in that order, every other day. Ksena loves bubbles. And playing. And bubbles. Blowing them, bursting them, seeing them.

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She spots opportunities all around her to have fun. The most mundane thing can be a toy. Discovery through play is her forte. She knows how to live in the moment. 

She remembers things she did and saw over 5 months ago. If it made her happy, she will tell you about it for days on end. It is so precious how she remembers the little details that are often forgotten.

The other day, I realized that she doesn’t repeat things that made her sad. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t get sad or hurt. Once the grievance is sorted out, it is forgotten. At a tender age she has understood forgive and forget. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

love keeps no record of wrongs

I was so challenged. Questions flew through my mind: do I forgive easily? Do I forgive but hold a grudge? Do I carry a record of wrongs in my heart? Do these things stop me from enjoying the bubbles of life?

I know that she is still young, but the joy in her heart is breathtaking. I can only pray that she will always choose to travel light; that she will forgive easily, keep no record of wrongs and enjoy the simple pleasures in life; bubbles.

Oh my heart, I pray that you will learn from this little one.  Forgive easily, keep no record of wrongs, and enjoy the bubbles of life.

Does your mind re-play happy memories? Are the situations where you’ve been wronged on loop in your mind? Do you struggle to enjoy the bubbles in life?

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Oh I pray that you too will experience the freedom that comes from traveling light and enjoying the bubbles of life.

Have a blessed week.

Bibi2be

I’d Like A Double Portion Of Grace, Please.

Psalm 121:1 has become one of favourite verses since I became a mum. Sometimes, the farthest I look up to is the ceiling fan as I wonder where my instantaneous, sanity saving, tongue-holding help is coming from. Then I remember from the Lord who made heaven and earth. And proceed to call on heaven, FAST.

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That’s the life of this mother. So many times my natural allocations of tolerance and grace run very low.

But God!

I’ve seen Him recharge and refresh me day after day. I’m not super woman, in fact sometimes all I am is super stretched. BUT, by His grace and power, I have supernatural strength and grace to face today.

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My prayer for today and all subsequent days, is that heaven would grant me a double portion of grace to keep me going.

The LORD bless you, and keep you. The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you.(Numbers 6:24-25 NKJV)

Have a grace filled day.

Bibi2be

Where Worries Fade Away

One of the things that I love about living in a Coastal town is the proximity to the ocean. The irony is, I don’t go there as often as I thought I would. Because it’s hot and a permanent tan or is it ‘sun burn’ map is not on my bucket list. But when I do go, it is nothing short of magical. The serenity is worth braving the heat.

I’ve learned to time the sun. You will not find me at the beach when the sun is overhead, oh no. Now I wait for it to go down a little then go enjoy the sand in my toes, breeze in my nose (no really, sometimes I leave with the sniffles) and the view of the ocean as it ebbs and flows.

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Ksena loves the ocean. It is her happy place. Every so often she wakes up and asks to go to the beach. A few weekends ago, was one of those days. When the sun begun its descent into the horizon, we went to enjoy the sunset at the beach.

It was AMAZING.

We found this little spot with a breathtakingly beautiful stairwell, I’ll take a picture next time. It has flowers on the sides and is a perfect prelude to spending time with the King.

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When we got to the ocean, I couldn’t help but just stand in awe of God. A few minutes in, I found myself singing, ‘You are God alone’ by William McDowell. Here are the Lyrics.

Really, creation testifies of His majesty. As I stood there, every large and little worry faded and it was ALL about God. I understood the saying:

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He is God!!

Tell your problems, worries and every thing that weighs you down that He is God.

I’ll definitely be going back soon.

Have a lovely week ahead.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Hearts Like Playdough <3

Toddlers come with activity, curiosity and a tinge of cheekiness. They fill you heart and your day. They can mush you to bits and in the same breath have you calling on heaven for a double portion of grace.

They Live. Love. Laugh.

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I’ve been researching on toddler schedules to help us manage our time better and make the most of each day.

One of the activities currently on repeat in our home is molding with playdough. I used to make playdough, but it’d change consistency after some time.  Then hubby found a gluten free alternative and I was super excited to start molding.

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Initially when we got it out of the packet, the playdough was hard; but as we molded and manipulated it, it got softer, more malleable.

When God starts working on your heart it’s a bit rigid. As you let Him work on you day by day, it gets softer. It feels the things He feels and is moved by what moves His heart.

When you stick two colours together, a little of each remains on the other. The same is true about our interactions in life. When you interact with someone, they leave an impact on your life. What you expose yourself to leaves a little footprint on your heart.

This is why it’s important to guard your heart.

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The beauty about crafting with playdough is that it is so versatile. The same piece can make hundreds of shapes and objects.

Our hearts were made to be soft, malleable, above all else, our hearts were made to feel. Life has a way of hardening us, but God still desires for our hearts to be soft and malleable; just like playdough.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

This Heart Is Overwhelmed

It’s okay!

It is okay to be overwhelmed.

A strong person is not the one who doesn’t cry. A strong person is one who cries or sheds tears for a moment then gets up and fights again. (~borrowed)

Sometimes you feel like it’s all too much and you want to press the pause button life so that you can recharge, refresh and restrategize.

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I’ve struggled with guilt over being overwhelmed, as if feeling overwhelmed is not enough. Trying to rationalize why I should be okay (not just the ‘okay’ you say when you are trying to get someone off your back, but really okay, fine). I’ve realized that everyone has their own journey. As unique as our journeys are so are our experiences, limits and coping mechanisms. Everyone should have the chance to independently experience what rages within them, be it passion or pain, without being subjected/or subjecting themselves to an imaginary yard stick.

Inhale. Feel. Exhale

Both the old and young feel overwhelmed at one time or another.

Isaiah 40:30 New Living Translation (NLT)

30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.

It’s okay to admit that the current circumstances are a bit heavier and darker than what you expected. It’s okay to allow yourself to feel. To feel the pain, hurt, disappointment, anger, sadness, confusion, exhaustion and despair. It’s okay to feel the roller coaster of emotions.

What’s not okay is to be consumed by these feelings.

Thankfully, there is a way out.

The Rock that is higher than me

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For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been singing this song on repeat. Ksena even knows that we sing it both in Swahili and English. Now, I see that it has been a declaration asking the Lord to hide me under the rock.

This heart is overwhelmed, but not for too long. My tears, liquid prayers, have been collected in jars and have been recorded in His book. (Psalm 56:8)

It gets better. It is better.

Keep the hope alive

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My strength is being renewed for I have put my hope in the Lord. He will carry me to greater heights, give me grace, strength, peace for the rest of the journey.

If your heart is overwhelmed, allow yourself to feel the emotions as you go to the rock that is higher than you. Put your hope in Him and let Him strengthen you and propel you to greater heights.

Here’s to soaring on wings like eagles, running and not growing weary and walking and not being faint.

Have a lovely week.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Celebrating 200 Posts!!

I wrote my 200th post yesterday *happy dance*

I don’t think it hit me how big it was, but as I settled in to bed last night I realized it’s 200 POSTS!!!

LOOK AT GOD!!!

When I started Bibi2be, I didn’t have it all figured out but I knew I needed to start writing, so I did. It was my step of faith into the unknown, where feet may fail. Through the years, I have seen God carry me.

It’s not merely about the 200 posts but the revelation, inspiration, emotion and prayer that has gone into each and every one of them. The journey has not been easy, I have questioned God, wrestled Him even. Thrown in the towel a few times, then picked it up a couple of days later; thrown toddler like tantrums and learned to obey. I feel like I should say ‘learned to obey’ one more time just for emphasis.

I have grappled with sadness, depression and experienced such joy!! I have learned to love and be loved. What to hold on to and when to let go. I have grown in God and my love and desire for Him has increased.

My love for writing has come alive. I didn’t think I could write a book, but this process has shown me that I can write as many as the Lord leads me to write.

I’m still learning to live and be all that He created me to be.

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These 200 posts are my testimony that God is God alone. He is constant. He is faithful. He is God.

This blog has given me an audience beyond Kenya’s borders. I’m humbled. All this is for His glory.

The plans I may have had have wilted in light of God’s plan for Bibi2be. And it is okay.

I remain convinced that He is still coming for His bride. Oh that we may be found ready, with oil in our lamps.

I don’t know what the future holds and quite frankly I stopped worrying about it because each day has enough worries of it’s own. However, I am convinced that this is just the beginning.

This is to greater heights through and in Him. My desire is that it’ll be said of me , ‘God is the wind beneath her wings’.

I pray that as you continue to seek God you will find Him. May He give you a hunger for Him that cannot be sated by anything else. May His peace, His perfect peace, guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

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Take the leap. Heed the call. Walk upon those waters.

I’m off to celebrate the Lord’s goodness, grace and mercy over my life. This is one for the books.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus

One of my favourite times of my day is when I get to teach Ksena about Jesus. I’m constantly blown away by how God reveals Himself to her and that she remembers the songs, lessons and bible stories. I am just a vessel, my work is to plant seeds that God will water. He is the gardener.

We went to church recently and I felt so lost!! Stuck in between the big church where only mamas with infants can go unless the babies start crying and the children’s church where Ksena’s age group is not catered for.

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I left church so burdened, wondering what to do. Thinking deeply about how other mums like me felt, those who have opted to stay home rather than run after a toddler who doesn’t quite fit in for one and a half hours. On my way home, I was challenged by the Holy Spirit, to do something about this burden I feel and start where I’m at.I tend to over think things like this and wait for the ‘perfect time’ when I feel it’s ‘convenient’ for me but I’ve been trying to obey the Lord more aptly, when He speaks. I say this even as this post has been seated in my dashboard for several days.

I read this article and it hit very close to home. The work has been cut out for us; for me. The harvest is plenty.

 

Here is an open invitation to a mum with a 1 year to 3 year old tot living in Mombasa, who would like to bond over a midweek cup of tea that we might not finish, as we teach our babies the word of God. Don’t worry about the content, we’ve got you :).

I am super excited to see what God does with this bible study. Where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there in their midst.

If you’d like to get in touch with me, or know a mama who would be interested, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com

Have a blessed week (:

Bibi2be

 

 

Learning To Be Content

For a long time, I wrongly believed that contentment was something that came a ‘certain’ territory or season. So I lived in the future. I was too engrossed in what should and could happen to enjoy what was actually happening. When some of my ‘dreams’ came to pass, I realized that I would be content for a short time, then the wave of discontentment would hit and I would be back to dreaming.

ENJOY THE RIDE

It was a sad time. I was looking for contentment in the wrong place, where times change and people and opportunities come and go.

What I have realized since then is that, contentment is a learned behavior. It is not automatic. It takes a constant renewal of the mind and daily acknowledgement of the fact that it is God who assigns you your portion and your cup and regardless of the situation, your boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places [Psalm 16]. There is more to the  portion and the cup than material possessions.

Contentment does not come with a certain territory or season. It is something, a way of thinking and living, that you choose to carry with you in every season.

So here I am, constantly choosing to be content. It’s not about entitlement or comparison, it’s about my journey. I’m taking each day at a time because even two are too many. I am living in the present, thanking God for His faithfulness and letting Him carry me through every season. Daily I am choosing to believe that He holds my world in His hands, that His plans are best, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, that He is working all things out for my good and that He is CONSTANT.

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Have you been thinking that a certain person, institution or situation can truly satisfy you? Do you find yourself constantly thinking that the future will truly satisfy you?

Put your hope in God. Allow Him to satisfy you. Look at life through His lens and allow Him to guide you.

I HAVE A PLAN

Doing the above does not exempt you from hard times, but at least, you are assured that He is with you in all things and He is for You. The darkness will not consume you, hard times will come to an end. You will rise. Even in the valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no evil for He is right there by your side. His rod and His staff will protect and comfort you; and surely goodness and mercy will follow you all of the days of your life {Psalm 23}.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

 

Another Chance To Get It Right

I didn’t know the power of coffee until I became a mother of an energetic toddler. The term ‘morning person’ was redefined; I always imagined that I was a morning person, but my energy levels paled in comparison to Ksena’s. She wakes up ready to take on the world. Her booting phase takes all of ten minutes max and then the stories begin. Some days she would wake up as the sun peeked out of the clouds and I was still asleep in my head. My train of thought was not yet up and running.

courtesy of commons.wikemedia.org

courtesy of commons.wikemedia.org

Coffee became my crutch. Only after I could see the bottom of my cup of coffee, could I fully function. Coffee helped me truly wake up and be normal; it kicked miss cranky pants out. Anytime before coffee o’clock I was somewhat sleep walking as I tried to keep up with conversation and hurriedly make breakfast. It got to a place that I had to stop drinking the coffee, well, I realized that it wasn’t really helping my estrogen levels and also I had an unhealthy relationship with it.

So I stopped drinking coffee. The first couple of days were a blur. I’d properly wake up four hours into the day, and my energy levels were suffering. I had to find a substitute. I started having Apple Cider Vinegar in water in the morning which really helped with my energy levels, but before that, I started praying and asking God to help me. To carry me and strengthen me.

I won’t lie, sometimes I still crave a cup of coffee but I have learned that it cannot be my lifeline or shortcut. Only Jesus can energize me and give me mental clarity that lasts the whole day.

So I say, in the morning when I rise, give me Jesus and all day too.

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Some nights I go to bed, beating myself up, because sheer exhaustion is not the best lens to examine yourself by. A few days ago, as I reflected on the day that was, I realized I hadn’t gotten a chance to do everything that I would have liked, to give as many cuddles as I’d have liked [also, because cuddling an extremely active toddler can be a wee bit difficult ] and it made me sad. I have an idea of what being a ‘perfect mum’ looks like but there are so many days that I fall short.

As I settled into bed, this quote caught my eye:

‘Being a perfect parent doesn’t matter. Being a praying parent does.’ Stormie Omartian

Sometimes I am so stuck on perfection that I forget to pray more. Yet prayer is what matters.

This morning, I am thankful for another chance to get it right. A chance to love God above all else, love my family, live in purpose and pray more.

Have a wonderful day.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Keep At It

Every time I look at my photos from the past, I’m left so blown away by God’s goodness and the growth that has happened right beneath my nose. Now I see why albums are such precious memoirs, each picture tells a tale of His faithfulness.

Being a stay at home mum, means I’m with Ksena most of the time. In between diaper changes, meal times and the activities we do, sometimes I fail to see the growth taking place. It’s only when people see her and exclaim how big she’s gotten that it hits me, perhaps she was growing all along. When she tells me a story or starts singing out of the blue, I realize that she’s been learning all along.

Yesterday she told me the stories that we’ve been reading in her bible, and I was humbled. Reminded to keep at it even when I can’t see the results happening.  Sometimes she decides she wants another story, in the middle of the one we are reading, but it is not in vain.

This made me think about my walk with God, sometimes I struggle with my readings, stop reading a book midway, but I’ve purposed to keep at it. Though I may not see the transformation as it happens, a few days later, I realize my perspective has changed. His word has transformed the way I think.

I want to encourage you to just keep at it. Keep doing what God has called you to do, even when it seems like you are barely moving.

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Keep pursuing God; your time with Him never leaves you the same. When you look back, you will see how He has transformed you.

May you have a blessed week ahead.

Bibi2be

The Needless Pain We Bear

I woke up with a headache this morning, the kind that left me grumpy so early in the day. Not my ideal way to start my day. I was longing for night time before the clock had struck 8am.

As I begun to think. I realized that something was bothering me. I slept thinking about it last night and didn’t take it to God in prayer. Thinking about it and dwelling on how to find a solution had not borne any fruit other than a headache and frumpy mood. I decided to pray and and take it all to God, stressing and analyzing the situation was not working. As I prayed the headache begun to lift. I realized that rather than it being sickness, it was a physical manifestation of a burden that I was carrying.

Oh what needless pain I was bearing. The heaviness of my heart was affecting my body and causing me pain. I was not at peace.

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The lyrics of ‘ What a friend we have in Jesus’ played so clearly in my head:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

The state of my heart can affect the state of my body in terms of my health. Guarding my heart from burdens it doesn’t need to carry, is an important part of guarding my health and acting in my best interest. There are so many times that I have wanted to treat the symptoms rather than the real cause of the pain. Because, sometimes it seems easier to swallow a pill than have an honest talk deep within and take the matter to God. Many times I don’t want to slow down and reflect on what is really happening. What I don’t realize is that by moving quickly in avoidance I am actually slowing myself down in the long run. The irony.

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Have you been experiencing pain that you can’t quite explain? Does the burden in your heart make the whole of your body hurt? Does your heart weigh a tonne? Are you harboring feelings of anger and bitterness ?

Run to God, tell Him what it is you are going through and leave the matter in His able hands. Walk in His peace as you trust in Him. He is for you. Find rest in Him.

God bless you.

Happy new month (: and have a lovely weekend!

Bibi2be

 

 

True Satisfaction

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating. ~Luciano Pavarotti

I really enjoy uninterrupted mealtimes. It gives me time to savor the food and enjoy it. The first couple of months of being a mom taught me the art of gobbling my food down. Getting full was the priority, enjoying the food was an after thought. There is a difference between eating to get full and eating to be satisfied, you know, enjoy the meal and lick your plate clean with a sated sigh.

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Dining and living are not very different from each other. The way that you can eat just to quiet the hunger pangs is the same way you can go about your days just for the sake of living, without true satisfaction. The bible gives us more insight on this.

In John 4, Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman as the disciples went to get food. When they got back, they were surprised that Jesus wasn’t eating the food they had brought.

31 Meanwhile, the disciples were urging Jesus, “Rabbi, eat something.”

32 But Jesus replied, “I have a kind of food you know nothing about.”

33 “Did someone bring him food while we were gone?” the disciples asked each other.

34 Then Jesus explained: “My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me, and from finishing his work.”

Verse 34 is so profound. True satisfaction and nourishment come from doing God’s will, because we live for an audience of ONE and finishing it. In the journey of life, I have found myself starting projects that I know fall under ‘doing God’s will’ but I fail to finish them and move onto other things. Then I wonder why I am not truly satisfied.

Hunger

Do you find yourself bouncing from one project to another but still feel dissatisfied with life?

What is it that God has called you to do?

Go against the grain {no pun intended} (: ,do the will of God, and let Him satisfy you.

Have a blessed weekend,

Bibi2be