Broccoli

After an hour of being  frustrated by internet speeds and Survey Monkey that wanted to re-think every instruction that I keyed in, I was happy to see Ksena when she walked in.

“Ksena, can I serve you some lunch now?”

We exchanged pleasantries as she told me all about her day. The pink sticker on her arm made her particularly happy. On Tuesday she had a nappy-haired super hero who cheered her up despite being under the weather. Today she has a blonde princess whose great at tidying up.

“Ksena, can I serve you some lunch now?”

“Mama, no thanks! I want broccoli.”

“Sorry, what?” I asked as I looked up from the screen. “I want broccoli,” she responded with certainty in her voice.

“But what about the food I’ve made. You like Chapo…” I said as I looked at her, “Yes, but I’d like some broccoli, please.”

In all humility, I went and made broccoli for her and served the florets in a bowl, she ate them with such glee, drunk her water and said thank- you.

Hubs found it strange that I was so shocked about what she wanted to eat, but I was so confused by her ‘I only want broccoli’ food preference. I introduced Ksena to broccoli a few months after we started weaning and she’s loved the little trees since. Broccoli reminds me of veggie tales.

As I watched her eat the little trees it occurred to me that if you give your body healthy things it will crave healthy things. In the same way, if you feed your Spirit the things of God, your Spirit will yearn for those things.

Here’s to craving broccoli for the body and its equivalent for the Spirit.

 

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I Shall Wait On You

As my day slowly comes to an end

When it seems my strength is gone
As the hours seem to pass by slowly
When all I try just seems so wrong

 

Within my heart I seek inspiring words
A psalm that will lift my spirit high
For so often when I feel this tired
Even on my bed I have no desire to lie

 

I reach within my soul for divine energy
I seek with my inner voice to deeply pray
Finding I have such a great need of You
For Your soothing spirit to come my way

 

And as I pray silently and so sweetly
While I also gently embrace Your name
I find I shall always wait on You Lord
Knowing my happiness I will again regain
For You are the great power which saves me
The blessed assurance my heart only knows
And happily Lord I will always wait on You
Because with all my heart I love You so.

 

Copyright © Wendell Brown | Year Posted 2015

The Waterfall

I put my nose on her head and took a deep breath, my lips curled into a smile as I took in a scent. The memories of our first weeks together flooded my memory, I cradled her in my arms as I thought about how little she was when she was born. “Esther, you have a baby girl. 3.2kgs” Daktari said as the tears cleansed my cheeks, they washed away the anxiety that I had been carrying around. Being pregnant was one miracle, a safe delivery for both mummy and baby was the other miracle.

That tear jerking moment was the first of many in our journey of getting to know each other. Our first few weeks were filled with awe of the Most High and sheer frustration, getting Ky to burp felt like squeezing toothpaste out of an empty tube, I rubbed the top of her back and the tail of the spine, sometimes I got a tiny burp other times there was nothing.

God forbid she did a proper burp, a waterfall of her milk followed, it drenched her clothes, my PJs, the sheets but it gave her relief. She would smile, and it would sort of melt the frustration away, that was until she got frustrated by my not-so-full boob that was the source of her milk. Night feeds were long, feeding every three hours was hectic and the reflux was discouraging.

As I carried her and enjoyed carrying a still version of her I realized that blessings don’t exempt you from struggles. When they come it’s good to remember that they won’t last forever. Now all I have are memories, we’ve outgrown the reflux and we are onto other struggles.

John 16:33 Amplified Bible (AMP)

33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world, you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” [My conquest is accomplished, My victory abiding.]

Suffering, distress, and tribulation come in different shapes and sizes but God’s peace and courage remain readily available.

 

Mommy Brain

The number of times that I walk into a room to get something and then walk out empty handed because I forgot my mission is too many to count. I feel like I have a double of Mommy brain; before I fully recovered from pregnancy absent-mindedness with Ksena, I was pregnant with Ky, so it’s been three-and-a-half years of not quite remembering everything that I set out to do.

 

mommybrain2

mommynotions.com/mushy-mommy-brain/

 

I have just endured a wailing session of thirty minutes and I survived thanks to Mommy ears which must be an extension of Mommy brain, no? Yes, I just coined that phrase, but seriously, before I became a mum I would be distracted by every little noise around me, I had cat-like ears that picked up sounds around me. Now, I surprise myself, I can hum a full song despite the screams around me. I do not ignore the serious cries, but when it’s time for ‘scream-because-I-am-a-threenager’, well, I talk then ignore and discipline.

The mountain-sized mole hill today was that it was hair day, every time I brought up my plans to undo-detangle-wash-treat-and plait the hair I was met by “Sorry mummy, I’m not yet ready, I’ll let you know when I am.” At first, I said “Okay” as I thought to myself that I should be a little flexible. But the third time, I set a time and said that I’d do her hair at that time. You can guess that she wasn’t ready at 1:40pm, but I know her, and I know that evenings are not a good time to start the hair routine, so we sat down at 1:40pm and started.

As I was half way through detangling, she started pulling her head to the front, inflicting pain on herself. We had a little tete-a-tete about it, and she settled down. Then she started screaming cum shouting “Mama” over and over again. The screams were like Rock music is for a Rock lover, powerful beats, a colorful noise. As I watched it all unfold beneath my nose, I reflected on how it is to be a child, you think you know what is best for you but you don’t. In my walk with God, there are times that I have pulled away from the circumstances, little wonder why I felt the pain of the strain. I have procrastinated and deflected, made excuses as to why I shouldn’t be doing what God has planned for me to do.

As I looked at her, I saw myself and I prayed, that the Lord would forgive me for the times that I have thrown adult version tantrums and pulled away from His will then come back to tell Him how much pain He inflicts on me.

When I finished detangling and sectioning her hair, I put her to bed to nap. Immediately she was free, the ‘sleep’ disappeared and she’s been quietly playing with her little robot since.

That’s the thing about life, sometimes you think you’d be better off somewhere else doing something else until you get out there and see that being where God needs you to be for your good.

Rushing Wind

After an hour of chaos – screams, squeals, and cries- silence fills the air. It almost feels foreign, sometimes I count down to bed time, and then when they are both in bed, I miss them. I know, I too shock myself. My feet lead me to their room to watch over them and pray for them, there is something so therapeutic about watching sleeping babies lay.

When I held Ky in my arms, my being slowed down and enjoyed the rhythm of her chest heaving and I started singing a song out of the blue.

 

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

(Hillsong -I Surrender)

Since we got back home a few weeks ago, the girls love to slow down where we are and fall asleep, there in the stillness, they find peace and are able to enter rest. A few days ago I realized that proximity brings safety. The verse, “Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.” made a lot of sense.

As we draw closer to the Lord, we feed off His peace, His tempo becomes our tempo and His Spirit edifies our Spirits. Our hearts and beings can only truly find rest in Him.

Sometimes I don’t have the right words to say, but I know that all that He requires of me is to just come.

While I’m Waiting

“It is not like we are waiting on someone who doesn’t have a track record of perfection. God’s resume is good enough for us to wait on Him.” Travis Greene

This is a summary of what I have been telling my heart the last couple of days. There are seasons in life that God makes you wait, as you wait it is easy to get discouraged and wonder if God has moved.

Over the weekend, after trying to meet twice during the week and not being able to, I had a beautiful meeting with a friend. We’d not talked in length for months and it was nice to catch up over a cup of tea. I don’t take for granted the preservation of the Lord, tomorrow is not a guarantee, yet the Lord kept us long enough to share of His goodness. She shared with me how the Lord had moved in her life, as I sat on her couch my spirit leaped within me. Her testimony ignited something in me, I kept thinking to myself “That is my God! The one who moves mountains and causes walls to fall.”

Mid conversation tears rolled down my cheeks, they were a cocktail of emotions- hope, relief, and awe. She shared with me how the Lord had moved in her life, in a way that we agreed that it could only be God. Only He has a track record of doing the impossible, of moving mountains, of parting seas. It was such personal proof that God is still work in this day and age. My heart leaped within me as I was sunken on the couch, the weight of my thoughts and anxieties could not hold it down, a fire, a hope had been ignited in me. I kept thinking to myself “That is my God! The one who moves mountains and causes walls to fall.”

I’ve been reading Chronicles and Jeremiah and God is a force to reckon with, He is God, not a man that He should lie or walk in confusion. As I read it this time, the scenes played in my mind, and I kept telling myself, “Look at God!” and as I sat there, I saw the handprint of God.

My prayer has been Habbakuk 3:2 (NLT)

I have heard all about you, LORD. I am filled with awe by your amazing works. In this time of our deep need, help us again as you did in years gone by. And in your anger, remember your mercy.

God is all powerful, there is nothing too difficult for Him! I believe and I will trust in Him. I still believe what my eyes can’t see.

This song by Travis and Chandler is on repeat, it is such an encouragement to me to keep waiting on the Lord and to trust in Him.

I know that I am not the only one whose faith falters. It is nice to read of the works of the Lord in the Bible, but sometimes you want someone to tell you what God has done for them in 2017. I would like to use this platform to encourage others, if you have a testimony that you would like to share with others, please send me an email via bibi2bee@gmail.com and I will publish it for the glory of His name.

For you who is waiting, I pray that this will be your testimony as you wait.

While I’m waiting I’m getting stronger
My faith is rising, and I will run on
While I’m waiting I’m lifting up on wings as eagles
I believe, I will trust in You

 

 

Choked

The lump in my throat felt like it had been chained to my molars, it didn’t budge no matter how hard I swallowed, the waves of water I drunk washed it but didn’t push it. It was stuck, and for once I was forced to confront it, see it for what it really was.

Earlier that day, I woke up to pray and I whispered a series of simple prayers, they weren’t seemingly ‘powerful’ command-the-morning, devil-you-are-defeated kind of prayers, though yes the devil is defeated. They were simple heartfelt whispered pleas said from a guarded but expectant heart.

“Babe, what happened to you?” hubs asked as we had our breakfast. “What do you mean?” I asked as I took a sip of my Moringa Hibiscus tea, “You used to pray a lot…you know you will stand and give an account for yourself as an individual,” immediately I heard these words the piece of sweet potato in my throat became harder, I felt like I was eating a sweet fibrous boulder.

“I am trying to get back there. I’ve been praying shorter prayers, but I am still at it.” I responded but the question lingered with me. As I went about my day, I sought the answer within, and I stopped when I realized what had really happened. I had been choked, to the point that I found myself gasping for air, sometimes my faith was even turning blue. It wasn’t because God or His word had changed, but I had shifted my focus. The worries of this world (that is soon passing away) had choked my desire, drive and resolve to pray passionately.

Motherhood has taught me that it is not only bad things that can choke you, even water and breast milk can choke a child, these are liquids that are meant to refresh. In the same way, the things that choke my faith are not necessarily bad things, in fact, some of them are the roles that I play as a mum and a wife, but that shouldn’t be an excuse. If anything it should be a reminder to always be sensitive enough to know when the balance shifts, to know when the water goes down the wrong pipe, to recognize the coughing spasms in my faith, the difficulty praying, and to ask for help.

Here’s to eating life with a big spoon, praying and not choking.

Blue Elephant

From the eyes of a child, the world is an exhilarating and sometimes scary place. Fear is sometimes triggered by the little things. During the last one week. Ky has been facing her fears and reservations towards the unknown. There is a little-stuffed cow that she’d not get close to, but one day she realized that it wasn’t so scary after all. The first day she went around it quickly and stopped one meter past it to see its reaction, it lay there helplessly. The second day she picked it up, tossed it to the side and zoomed past it, she knew that there was nothing that it could do, fear became a thing of the past.

This morning as we played on the floor she met a mummy and baby Elephant. Mama is pink and called Ellie while her litu one is blue and called Blue (I am taking suggestions for names for stuffed animals, some with a little flare.) Ky likes Ellie but she is terrified of little Blue, when I say terrified I mean, she will not let it get close to her and will shake if it tries. What I consider as a cute little blue Elephant seems scary to her.

That is the thing about fear, it’s deeply personal, it takes a different face as the seasons change. They may be little in the eyes of society but to you, they are huge and blue and they make your world come to a standstill. When you face them you shudder, you close your eyes so as to wish them away, and in that moment your grandeur means nothing because fear is raging within.

We often shy away from the pink Elephant in the room, but I think that we need to talk about the blue Ellie that’s in our minds, the one that makes us second guess ourselves and makes us shrink and retreat like a tortoise into its shell.

My prayer for Ky and myself is that our fears will not hold us, hostage, that we will be all that God created us to be. That we will take all the Blue Elephants into our hands, push them aside like she did to the cow, and zoom towards our destiny.

Here’s to fighting and winning the battles within because we know that greater is He who is in us than he who is against us.

Oh dear heart, take courage. Do not fear.

 

 

Play Dough

I made play dough on Saturday. I used strawberry-red food color and it turned out a shade closer to pink, but I am glad I made it anyway. As long as it is malleable, Ksena will be happy.

Ksena enjoys making tasty Chapatis when it is Chapo day, her rolling skills are improving with the practice she does on play dough. Maybe she will be the one who makes us tortillas when she is older; a mum can dream.

I’ve gotten really good at procrastinating. Overthinking has become a past time. Granted that it is good to think through what you are about to do, but what I’ve been doing is wearing my running shoes and then tying my laces together, little wonder that I fall down before I start to run. Then I quit.

Most of the play dough recipes require you to use Cream of Tartar (I know, it sounds like Tartar sauce). For the past year, I looked for Cream of Tartar in every supermarket in Mombasa, I even checked in Nairobi but it was nowhere to be found. So I opted not to try.

On Saturday, I decided to give it a try without the Cream of Tartar, it was evident that if I wait to find it I will never make it, also Ksena’s desire to mold isn’t going anywhere so I might as well get on with it. As I kneaded the play dough, the Holy Spirit prompted me to think of all the things that I have failed to do because I didn’t have perfect conditions, because I didn’t have the “Cream of Tartar”. I was humbled and embarrassed. The truth is I like having everything that I need and watching my ducks stand line quacking on key like a choir. But life doesn’t always work like that. Most times, I don’t have all my ducks in a row, in fact sometimes it looks like there is a chicken masquerading in the skein, clucking as the rest are quacking.

The truth is I like having everything that I need and watching my ducks stand line quacking on key like a choir. But life doesn’t always work like that. Most times, I don’t have all my ducks in a row, in fact sometimes it looks like there is a chicken masquerading in the skein, clucking as the rest are quacking.

Some of my obstacles seem silly, but I let them hold me back. I am reminded today to just do it, to chase the dream, to record those Vlogs, to write those books, to make the play dough without the Cream of Tartar and to always be malleable. Through it, God will be glorified.

You can follow my Vlog here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnmYUAAe-cc

Nap Time

Schedules are beautiful things. They make life predictable, and we all have something to look forward to. As a younger mum, I struggled to put Ksena on a strict schedule that had her in bed by 7:00 PM, it seemed like a dream. Three years later, 7:00 PM is still not happening, but we’ve found a time that works for her. Having a timetable of sorts helps us all manage our expectations.

Mornings are usually high energy, the girls wake up ready to play and squeal. It is the best time to have an activity. After lunch, when the post lunch fatigue sets in, a small scratch has them wailing, a friendly game ends in a torrent of tears. The cries are usually a good sign, it means that nap time has reached. Sometimes, I countdown to that hour where peace fills the air, where I can eat or read in quiet, but then I miss them when they sleep.

From time to time I think that maybe Ksena is ready to drop the afternoon nap, but deep within, I am glad that she still has it (on most days) because it is more for me than for her :). It helps her be less cranky in the evenings, but sometimes she is able to sail through without it. It gives me an opportunity to do what I want to do.

Initially, I used to sit in one spot as they napped and savor the silence, other days, I would run to bed and sleep. There is something so refreshing about naps. The other day, Ksena woke up and said, “Mama, I’ve not had my breakfast yet.” I looked at her very confused since it was 5:00 PM and the beautiful rays of the sun filled the room. “It’s evening, almost time for dinner. What do you mean?” I asked. “I’ve slept and woken up and Mr. sun is out, so it is time to eat breakfast. Mummy, I want porridge.” I chuckled as I followed her to the window where she pointed to the sun. I concluded that all naps should be like that, refreshing, rejuvenating just like a night full of sleep.

One of the things that I am hoping to do more of as they sleep is, write in their journals. I’ve kept a journal on and off for the last 18 years. Some I’ve destroyed, but the majority I have kept in a box. It’s amazing how far I’ve come, there are seasons where I’ve been more consistent and others where I’ve struggled to write altogether.  I know that I was born to write and as I use my time writing for other people, I have been challenged to write for my girls.

Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power.~Psalm 145:4

I’ve been keeping their journals for a couple of months now and it has been a wonderful journey filling the pages. I cannot deny the Lord’s faithfulness as we are raising them. Sometimes I wish I could share the stories with them, but they can’t understand just yet. As we read them Bible stories I want to pass on personal stories of God’s faithfulness and how He has moved in our lives, to share the miracles and testimonies, and explain to them how the hand of God has carried and sustained us.

My prayer is that as I use my pen to tell stories to the world, that my girls will see, hear and understand how great our God is.

 

Kaleidoscope

I fought the flutter of butterflies in my tummy as I stared at my computer screen. I shuffled between various tabs, and slowly filled in my registration form. I was anxious, scared and unsure of what having an online writing home looked like. I had tried to bury the desire to write for too long, this resulted in many half-filled forms suffocating in the closed the tabs.

“What is the worst that could happen?” my friend asked. Silence filled the room as I did the binary equation in my head. “Nothing,” I responded in a whisper and resolved to register my blog that very evening. And I did. I had a blank slate, an empty house, a shoe that I wasn’t sure that I fit in to, but there I was ready to walk into the unknown.

The desire to share my story overpowered the fear. It’s been six years since I started this blog. It has changed, I have changed, we’ve both grown. It’s been a beautiful journey. Initially, I wanted to share more about my wedding preparation experience, but I got caught up in life. Then it changed to sharing my reflections and random stories, and I have enjoyed that. I have discovered other interests such as teaching and writing for children. What was just a blog, is now a center piece of my calling to create content.

The greatest teachers I have encountered are my family. My husband’s resounding reminder to obey God has now become a part of who I am. I write now because I know it is what I was born to do. My heart beats, Ksena and Kyria have been an inspiration. As I train them up in the ways of the Lord, I am reminded that I have to walk the talk. Teach them to pour themselves out, so that they will return to their maker empty, having been obedient. As I stress (because that is what repeating myself to two-year-old feels like) the importance of obedience, I feel the Spirit nudge me and ask me, ‘Will you obey? Will you go where I  send you? Will you do what I ask of you?”

Two weeks ago, I caught Ksena sitting close to the edge of a bed from the corner of my eye as I tried to change Ky’s diaper, Ky is always on the move, unless she is sleeping. I told Ksena to watch out, her and hubs responded in unison that he was supporting her. The confidence with which she told me that ‘daddy’s got my back’ took me a back. It was a conviction. It got me thinking about my conviction regarding God’s position in my life. Do I know, like Chris Tomlin does, who goes before and stands beside me? Am I convinced that the Lord of angel armies is always by my side?

In February last year, I had a desire to start a new blog and create content about Endometriosis in Kenya. That is how Bibi2be’s sister blog Yellow Endo Flower was born.

It’s been an adventure, I feel more at home in my writing, but I know that this is just the beginning. I have seen the fruits of obedience, seen the Lord work through this written work, and enjoyed the peace that comes from having a clear conscience.

Six years later, I find myself at the same place, with a desire to start something new. Rather, with a call to obey, and go forth and create content. This time I am less inhibited by fear, I am conscious of the beauty of obedience. The impact a ‘YES’ can have. This time, the kaleidoscope of butterflies within has been quietened by the desire to obey.

As I have written this, I have started a YouTube channel, it’s been a long time coming. I welcome you to join me on my journey of obedience and faith. Here’s to living the life that I was created for. Here’s to dying empty, for the glory of the King.

Link to the first video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCQOngXT4WM&feature=youtu.be

Training Wheels

“Mama, just let her play with it.” Ksena said to me as we watched Ky attempt to eat board book. She’s teething, these teeth have been coming out for three months. Today, one finally broke through (cue ululations). I’m excited, I can’t say the same about my nipples and Ky’s earlobes, they are both about to be conditioned. Our toothless smile is turning into a two-toothed smile.

Over the last nine months, our home and hearts have been transformed. Yesterday as I watched the girls played, I said to Peter, that I almost don’t remember life before Ky came. She has warmed our hearts, her joy has radiated everywhere she has gone. She greets us with smiles every morning and wakes Ksena up by shouting, ‘Dada Dada Dada’. If Ksena wakes up before Ky, she asks two questions: “Where is my sister? How was her night?” once you have answered these questions to her satisfaction, then she asks you to pray.

Sisterhood has made Ksena more empathetic. Granted that there are times that I have to remind her to be kind to Ky, or to use her kind voice, being a sister has brought out a softer, caring and protective side. The transition from being an only child to a big sister has been smooth. Initially, there were a few regressions but all in all, there has been a lot of progress.

train up your child

Training a child in the way that they should go is like playing a cd on loop, both the audio and video. It is setting an example in speech and deeds. I repeat myself severally. When I am tempted to get frustrated and irritated, I remember the love and grace that the Lord has extended to me. Sometimes the bible seems repetitive, but we are children, the more we hear and internalize, the more we are transformed.

A few months ago, Ksena wasn’t bothered to learn how to peddle her tricycle. She preferred to be pushed, sometimes she would attempt to peddle while the bike was already in motion. Other times, she would just sit pretty and enjoy the ride. She wasn’t bothered that other children knew how to ride, one day, she woke up and peddled. Now she is ready for a bicycle with training wheels. The training doesn’t stop until she learns to cycle and balance on her own.

From time to time (more like every other week), I am asked a question that compares the girls’ development. Ksena’s teeth popped when she was much younger, but Ky has started cruising earlier than Ksena did. I am learning to let them grow at their pace. Growth is not a competition, everyone is on their own journey. What is important is that we all make it to our destinations, so we walk if we can, and crawl if we must. As long as we don’t stop moving.

Our girls were dedicated to the Lord this past weekend, it was beautiful and powerful service. Aside from the emotions, we were reminded our mandate to train up these girls in the ways of the Lord. To speak truth into their lives. To teach them truth. It’s a huge task and responsibility, one that we cannot delegate.  Sometimes the task at hand seems daunting but we have to remember that we have an ever present help, a counselor, the Holy Spirit who leads us into truth. We continue to trust Him to reveal to us who they are as individuals that we may raise them with clarity just like Manoah and his wife did. I pray that they will walk in their God given purposes, that they will get to their destination with unwavering faith in God who formed them in my womb, for the glory of His name.

 

 

Ride To Heaven

Six years, three months and ten days ago my world came to a temporary standstill. The world was moving, but I was stuck. The clock was ticking, but I was fastened to the spot. Like a pendulum fastened to a branch, I would swing as the wind blew but my heart was stuck at the same place, at the point of grief. I was like a soldier in the army, mark timing, but thinking I was moving. My world shattered. I was heartbroken and I was selfish.

I read a blog post a few weeks ago that reminded me that parents are human too. I hadn’t viewed him as a human being. He was dad, my very own super human, not perfect, but he always had his strong face on even when his world was caving in. I wish I had seen his struggle for what it was, allowed myself to read in between the lines, and understood the circumstances, but I was too fixated on my own ideals.

Six years ago, I was a very selfish version of myself. As I grieved I thought about how my dad’s death affected me. But as life would have it, over the last six years, I have examined the situation from different angles. I was so upset that he wasn’t going to walk me down the aisle, especially since I had told him that I wanted to get married a few days before. It was my dream as a little girl to have him hold my hand and hand me over to my groom.

I remember our last hug, our last conversation, the way he called out my name, his laugh, his gaze, his gait and I miss him. I am tearing as I type this, but the tears are not as sad and bitter as they used to be. They are not hot angry tears, they are reflective tears. Tears that signify a longing that cannot be met. Tears that flow as peace floods my heart.

For weeks, I would dial his number out of habit. It took a while for me to stop drafting texts to him. When I finally deleted his number from my phone, I realized it was ingrained in my memory. He was absent in person but so present in my heart, I stored our moments, the things that I wanted to remember safely in a vault. The first couple of weeks, I saw his face when I slept. And then it faded, and I retrieved the happy memories and replayed them every time I thought of him.

A few weeks ago, my great-grandmother went to be with the Lord. She had lived to a ripe old age. My only regret is that she hadn’t met my little girls. The last time I was in Nairobi, we weren’t able to go and see her. We planned to go in August, but she didn’t make it to August.

‘Love now!’ is what I repeat to myself. There’s no day excursion to heaven. Once your time on earth expires, that is it. When a loved one goes to be with the Lord, they remain there, and you here, until your ride comes.

If wishes were horses, I would ride to heaven and give my daddy a hug, a big bear hug. Having been a mummy and gone through a few dark corridors, I realize, that it was so hard for him to be a dad when he felt like a skeleton on the inside. My hearts goes out to him. I wish I was able to be more, to understand more, to do more for Him. I miss him, some times more than others. From time to time I wonder how he’d play with my girlies, what his thoughts would be when he reads my manuscripts, I’d have loved to share my books with him. That’s water under the bridge.

Depression is hard. It’s dark. It’s lonely. It’s difficult trying to soar when you are tethered to the ground my the weight in your heart. Trying to be positive, when not even a glimmer of light illuminates within. Struggling to be strong for others because you are using all that you’ve got to hold on.

Today my heart goes out to those who are trying to be the best versions of themselves yet they feel like they are dying on the inside. To those who are clasping on straws, trying to stay afloat. To those who have been labelled and dejected. To those who are fighting monsters and battles unseen. To those who feel like there is no reason left to live. Today, I send you a ((big hug)). And I pray that as you read this, you will know that you are not alone. I pray that God will comfort you, reveal Himself to you and enable you to stand. How I pray that He will carry you through and out, in His time.

For those who are loving , please don’t give up on them. Encourage them and be present. Love now, hug now, because wishes are not horses, and it’s difficult to ride to heaven for a day. I pray that God will strengthen you and grant you patience and understanding.

Let’s all come in for a group hug, and purpose to love and be loved, till the ride to heaven arrives.

 

The Ark

After almost three months, of reading, discussing and acting out the crucifixion and resurrection story daily, we are now enjoying the action of the Old Testament. Once in a while, Miss K asks for ‘Jesus on the cross’ but we are now learning more bible stories and enjoying acting them out. A few days ago, Ksena and Peter read the story of David and Goliath and acted it out, it was YouTube worthy with 5 Stones as the soundtrack.

Illustrations bring the bible to life for little children. It amazes me how small details catch Ksena’s eye. The story of Noah and his ark is our new favorite. The questions have been hilarious.

“Mama, why are these men laughing at Noah?” Ksena asked as she pointed at Noah’s neighbors. “What’s so funny Mama?”

“They think that Noah has a wild imagination. They are surprised that he is building a big boat on dry land. He keeps talking about rain falling from the sky, yet these men have never seen rain. God waters the plants from the ground.” I responded. “Sometimes God asks us to do things that seem crazy, and not everyone will support us or celebrate with us.” I added as I unfolded the crease from the page.

“What happened next, Mama?” she asked as she turned the page. The next page had a picture of different types of animals entering the ark. The artiste used his palette well to show how detailed and colorful God’s plan is.

“Mama, look! There are the Giraffes, Monkeys, Lions, Birds, Cows, Dogs and Sheep.” she said excitedly as she pointed at each of the animals. “Mama, why is the tortoise walking so slowly? When will it reach the ark?” she asked inquisitively.

I chuckled, the look on her face told me that it was not a rhetorical question and the silence meant that it was not a monologue. Sometimes she asks a question and then has a back and forth with herself and ends up smiling, and I can’t help but smile back.

“The tortoise is not a fast animal. So it will walk slowly until they get to the ark. Noah will wait for them. When all the animals and Noah’s relatives are inside, God will shut them in.”

“But, Mama! I want him to go faster. I want him to run like a Cheetah!” she said as she mimicked how a Cheetah runs. My laughter filled the room.

“My sweet Ksena, God made us all differently. We may look a little different and walk at different paces, but we’ll all get there eventually. Can you imagine if we were all Cheetahs? The world would be so boring. There would be no cats to meow, lions to roar, dogs to bark and butterflies to show us some beautiful color.” I took a sip of water and then added, “We all need to accept who we are, that there are things we can and can’t do. And then we need to live our lives to the best of our ability. If God has decided, the ark won’t move until we get there. It is God who shuts us in.”

“Okay Mama!” Ksena said, “For today, I am a lion, ROAR and you can be a butterfly Hahahaha and I will chase you”. She got up and started chasing me around, and our hearts and home were filled with laughter.

 

 

 

 

On The Clock

I read a 350 paged book in a week, two weeks ago. It was so exciting. I got to enjoy the time travel that books hold. My imagination was tantalized. I was inspired to write and dream. I remembered my love relationship with books when I was younger, how I was never not reading something.

Then motherhood came knocking. Between sleep deprivation and mummy brain, I was down to reading the essentials: my bible, devotional, a few articles and my timeline. Looking back, it’s a little sad that my timeline seemed like an essential, but there’s an escapism that social media offers a new mum, especially in the dead of the night when baby won’t let go of the nipple. This was before I knew about training the baby not to fall asleep on the boob, or rather, before I learned the hard way.

Over the last three years, I have read extremely slowly. Started many books and failed to finish them. Re-started books over and over again, and settled on reading small, light books. I’ve judged many books by their covers and fonts. I’ve opened hundreds of articles on my browser, finished some and bookmarked others to finish some day.

Given the last three years, reading a novel recently was extremely exciting. I felt like I am back. I used to wonder how I would survive being a mum of two and still have time to do the things that make me happy, like reading. I remember hoping that a child came with more hours in the day, but I realized that motherhood is a lesson on time management. You learn on the job how much you can really do in twenty four hours.

Last week, I watched three episodes of a series, back to back. It was entertaining, but half way through I questioned whether it was the best use of my time. Before I became a mummy, I watched my fair share of movies and series. Then came motherhood, and a new schedule. Sleep, that I used to take for granted became a very precious commodity. My free time was used to sleep,  I was newborn hazing as my hormones turned my internal climate upside down. Well, that’s a good way to explain the blues.

The past three years have taught me a lot on love and the value of time. I think now is when I am getting the hang of the intricate balance of time management. Just because I stop, doesn’t mean that time does. I looked at pictures of Ksena and Kyria yesterday, and I was just in awe of how fast they are growing. Growth doesn’t happen in one day, growth doesn’t have a birthday. It happens each and every moment, in the background of the great and the mundane. It is present even when we are passive. It never stops moving, just like time.

My prayer over the past couple of weeks has been that I will live as one who comprehends the fickleness of life. That I will understand that my days on earth are numbered and live my best life now.

psalm 90-4

When we realize just how fleeting our days are, then we release ourselves to glean from and grow in wisdom.

 

 

Tangled

What is the deep conditioning treatment for the soul? What do you apply when your soul is like a big balled fairy knot? Which product has amazing slip but is strong enough to prevent you from sliding in to the pit?

I’ve been a naturalista for almost ten years. It’s been an interesting journey. I’ve tried everything from dreadlocks to an afro to a tapered cut. ‘It is just hair, it grows’ is the mantra that I live by. When I moved to Mombasa, I cut my hair. It was so freeing. I could swim everyday without worrying about how my hair would look. ‘Wash and go’ was the order of the day. Coco Chanel said a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life. In my case, I found it too stressful to find a good hairstylist who understood why I didn’t want my hair blow dried before it was plaited. I opted to find a barber, hubby’s barber was an answer to prayer.

As a young girl, I loathed my hair being done. I was the classic example of the child who caused drama at the salon. My poor mama. She had to put up with my tears and tantrums. In my defense, there was nothing fun about the hot blow dryer being about one centimeter away from burning my ear. While rejoicing that my ear was still intact I had to put up with a hairstyle being done twice. ‘Pussy cat’ was the the most redundant hairstyle in my opinion. I hated having to be plaited the same thing twice. Undoing it was even more tedious.

Then God gave me daughters, two little girls. He truly has a sense of humour. I’m figuring out how to handle mine and now I have two more under my care. One who has the softest hair, so protective styles barely last a week. She loves to swim, so the chlorine has tinted her ends. And another little girl, whose hair is still on the way. It still fascinates me how two babies can be so different. God is amazing.  From His reserves of grace, He knows that I will somehow be able to do their heads of hair. I pray that none of them will be like me. (Mum, if you are reading this, again I say, I am sorry.)

Wash day humbles me. I’ve been protective styling for the last couple of months. It’s my new thing. Every time I take down my braids and detangle my hair, I am amazed by how the knots fall off. What blows my mind away is that God still knows how many strands of hair are on my head. He keeps up with the progress as I finger detangle my mane and sometimes I lose tens of strands.

Tender loving care is what my hair needs, I can’t rush the process. I learned the hard way that I shouldn’t comb my hair when dry. Somewhere in the discipline and routine lies the secret. If I neglect the process I end up with a matted mane. Fairy knots fused together, that cause lots of pain.

My soul care practices are not very different from hair practices. Sometimes I’m great at detangling my emotions, others, I walk around with my emotions in knots. Not knowing where to begin. Which product to use. Wanting to take short cuts, to avoid the hours spent pre-pooing, deep conditioning and moisturizing ( journal-ling, reading my bible, praying, reflecting and loving on myself) . “There are no short cuts.” I’m preaching to myself as a member of the microwave generation.

When I neglect my emotional well-being, I wake up shocked when everything is matted together. When the emotions that I’ve bottled up are tearing me apart, eating me on the inside. Corrosive and explosive. I’m a ticking time bomb feeling as though I could implode , yet I don’t know what the trigger is.

When I marinate in my thoughts and the darkness and confusion of my emotions, that is exactly what I spew. It’s ugly. There is nothing pretty about being tangled. Unraveling the knots is first for me, and then for those around me. Unless I allow light to penetrate the dark room, darkness will be all that I know.

Last week, at my lowest, I went out and had time by myself. I prayed “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” (Psalm 139:23-24). Then and I sat and wrote. In those hours, I got a peek into my soul, and it hit me, that unless the lamp shines in to that darkness, I’ll never fully know the contents of the room.

Detangling of the soul is done in the stillness, away from the chaos of life. In the quiet, when His light shines you are able to see what lurks in the dark, and easily entangles you.

 

 

 

The Himalayas Of Insecurities

Before I had my babies, I thought I was a morning person, because I definitely wasn’t a night person. When the clock struck 9:00 pm, my eyelids would receive their daily load of sleep. By 10:00 pm, the weight of the exhaustion would break the imaginary toothpicks holding my eyes open.

Now that I have my girls, I have concluded that I am just a person who is able to adjust to different seasons. Sleep interruptions and deprivation is by far one of the greatest challenges that motherhood came with. I now understand how sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I’ve had to adjust to late nights, waking up frequently, and somewhat early mornings. Our morning ride to playschool with Miss K is a time of singing, learning and laughter. We count, pray, go over our alphabet and sing (sometimes off key) at the top of our voices. I stick to the left and drive at 20 Kph.

Once in a while, there is a driver who is in a hurry to get to their destination, so their bonnet almost touches my boot. Initially, when she started school, I used to feel the pressure (that I put on myself) to drive faster. The times, I’d focus on driving faster, keeping up with a person whose journey and destination I knew not, I would lose the rhythm of the song that we were singing. I’d hit potholes and deeply regret.

In my journey as a stay-at-home mum, I have felt like a slug, covered in goo from all my crying sessions, inching along an Olympic track, as the rest of humanity, who I refer to as the ‘Usains’, bolt past me. And I am left behind, changing dirty diapers, dealing with tantrums, wiping running noses, still donning those nursing bras, covered in food stains while teaching shapes, colors, numbers and letters, pouring out myself in to my family while struggling to find me-time.

When I start to compare my journey I lose the rhythm of the music. I stop dancing. I lose my balance, and most times I fall into – the seemingly never ending -hole of self pity. Muddle in the pit of doubt and slide into the pool of questions. I struggle to stay afloat as I grapple with these questions:

“Am I where I should be?”

“Does what I do matter? Am I making a difference?”

“Will I ever catch up in my career?”

“What am I good at?”

Sometimes it feels like the fight of my life. It’s easy to descend into the pit. It only takes a few minutes to spiral down. Climbing up is no easy feat. My insecurities seem like the Himalayas, and I have to work through them as I sort the heap and layers of laundry.

It is hard and it hurts. The beautiful thing about rock bottom is, you can only go up. In the brokenness, there is beauty.

I am learning to stick to my lane and to embrace my pace. The reality is that there will always be people zooming past me. That is just the way life is. But they are on their own journey. It’s easy to covet their lives, but they too have their own struggles. And what matters most is that they are where they need to be. What matters most is that I am where I’m supposed to be. That I am watering and tending my lawn.

To avoid spiraling down to the pit, I have to keep reminding myself the truth, my truth in this season; why I do it. Why I strive to serve my husband and girls with joy, in this season. This role comes with no or low monetary pay, long hours and limited hours of leave. I believe that it is a calling. Some days are good. Some are gruesome. But I know that one day, I will look back and miss these days. One day Miss K and Ky will be all grown and I will be on to the next seasons. I’m listening to this song and reminding myself why I do it all.

To my fellow stay-at-home mum who has doubts her call from time to time. You are not alone. In the chaos and the monotony of routine, remember that you matter! You are making a difference. Your worth in this life is not equivalent to how much you earn.

 

 

How Not To Be A Cranky Mama

Over the last couple of months, I’ve learnt to be a little selfish. To take care of myself a little more. When I was a new mum, I sacrificed a lot of things including my well being. I neglected nourishing myself because I thought that pouring out was more important. Boy, was I mistaken.

Motherhood is sacrifice. A mother is a living sacrifice. Motherhood has a way of revealing your doubts, truths and values. It forces you to walk down memory lane and examine what happened and how it made you feel. It’s like a dose of strong coffee that has your mind multitasking and analyzing. You suddenly become aware of things that could have missed your attention and you have to answer the difficult questions.

Over the years, I’ve cracked how to be a cranky and angry mama by 11am. It’s really simple, skip breakfast, postpone doing your quiet time and fail to get some rest. Try this for a couple of days and you will acquaint yourself with your mean side. And, there are not many nice things about your mean side. At least nothing you’d like to write home about.

My mean side is horrible. I’ve realized that pouring out of an empty cup is dangerous for everyone. First, for me the giver and second for the recipients around me. I replay some of the things that I’ve said when empty, the attitudes that I’ve had towards myself and the situations at hand, and I can’t help but shudder in disbelief. Hang my head in embarrassment. It was bad. I was bad, really bad. I was a mum turned monster. Which was never my end goal. The thing is I couldn’t tell when it is happening, it was like a slow fade that transformed me into a bad version of myself.

It matters to my family that I am nourished- physically and spiritually. I can only pour out of what I have. The verse ‘Man cannot live on bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. – Matthew 4:4’ reveals that I cannot survive on bread alone. To live well, we need to feed ourselves both physically and spiritually.

It is crucial that I have my breakfast (before lunch time) and spend time with God everyday. Sometimes I deceive myself that I am too busy or convince myself that the babies need me to hover around them. But the truth is that Miss K and Ky need me to be full.

They need me to be rested. I am a kinder and more patient mummy when I have had some rest. When I am sleep deprived, my fuse is short. It’s tempting to take out my frustrations on the people closest to me. I have learned that taking a nap makes me a better person.

Quiet time helps me to see my circumstances from God’s perspective. When I pray I invite the power of God in to every situation. Then I am able to walk with a spring in my step because I know that God’s got me. I am able to speak words of life,  to speak kindly, because I don’t carry any grudges and bitterness. I am able to be physically, spiritually and mentally present.

That’s the type of mama I want to be daily.

On that note, I’m off to hide and have my breakfast and quiet time because it is crucial for my sanity, blood sugar, faith, demeanor and the atmosphere in my home.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

 

Don’t Dull Your Shine

I have had my laptop for well over five years. It has served me well. I enjoyed it’s performance in it’s infantile years. One of the perks that have come with age, is the speakers are not working. That sucks. Ksena thinks so too. Yesterday, she told me, ” Mama, your computer needs to become younger so that it can play sound.” I laughed about it. My two year old’s thought process tickles and fascinates me at the same time.

As I reflected, I realized that unlike my computer, I won’t be able to buy a younger version of myself. There are things that I won’t be able to do when I get older. The question is what am I doing with what I have now?

The truth is that is so easy to have an excuse, even two, not to do what you need to be doing. For a long time, I used this same computer as an excuse not to write. It was foolish. My thinking and perspective in life has since changed. It’s about the end picture. It’s easy to do nothing, but nothing can’t make a difference.

I still struggle in certain aspects but I want the Lord to reveal to me the mighty things that He can do with the staff in my hand. It all boils down to stewardship and a willingness to do what I was created to do.

My prayer is that my life will model to my girls to live their best lives now. To obey promptly and not to make excuses. There will always be a reason not to do it, in fact it may be like a raging fire in your heart compared to the candle flame of your conviction.

I’m currently listening to Todd Dulaney live from Trinidad.

He who called you is faithful. He called you to be the light of the world so don’t let the excuses dull your shine.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

We Are Just Like Grasshoppers

One of the lessons that I have learned from toddlers is that we all have the tendancy to think that we are bigger and greater than we really are. Walk in to a playgroup class and you will see these little, budding, grown ups in small bodies, who sometimes think that they are grown ups.

Occasionally, I sit and stare at Ksena in absolute awe. My baby girl has grown up ( I know I say this all the time, but it’s true). Sometimes, she blows me away with all that she has learned in her few years on earth. I cherish the little conversations that we have, and I am slowly getting used to answering ‘why?’ over and over, every single day. It’s fascinating to see her thought process become more complex. She asks because she wants to understand.

Some days (seems like all the time nowadays) , she does things that test the boundaries (and my sanity). I refuse to call it ‘terrible twos’, because there is power in the tongue, I am sure that I don’t want to claim the terrible. It’s more of ‘testing twos’, in my opinion. We have to keep repeating and reinforcing the boundaries. And reminding her that she is still a child, she may be growing but she is still under our authority. In this year, I have understood this verse:

PROV 22-15

In my walk with God, there are times that as I have grown I have become more comfortable. The boundary lines could have blurred, or for a moment there I could have there I could have thought that I was bigger than I actually am.

As I read Isaiah yesterday, the Lord reminded me that as He looks down on us as humanity we look like grasshoppers. Grasshoppers!

For in him we live and move and exist. As some of your[a] own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring._

You struggle to worship and stand in awe of a god who you view as your equal. But, the living God is very, very, far from our equal. In fact, He keeps asking, ‘ to whom shall you compare me to?’. Whom have you been comparing Him with? Does your worship reflect your understanding of His magnitude?

Just like a grasshopper, is what we are in His sight. Beloved ‘grasshoppers’. When we see Him as He is, we can attempt to worship Him as He desires for us to. He longs for our eyes, minds and hearts to remain stayed on Him. Yes, we are in the world, but not of this world.

I’m currently listening to Todd Dulaney live in Ghana. We serve a GREAT God, and He deserves our praise.

I pray that He will release His favor, power and glory, that they, may rain on us.

Have a blessed week,

Bibi2be

Safe In His Arms

It’s not by chance that mama bear’s porridge was too cold when Goldilocks tasted it. One thing that I’ve had to learn since I became a mum is the art of eating cool (read: cold) food. It really is an art. For a long time, I preferred my food hot, now I focus on the end goal which is to be full. Hot or cold, I’ma eat it.

The truth is, I wouldn’t trade my lukewarm, mostly cold food for anything. The territory has come with many more blessings and I’m just in awe of the Lord’s sustenance. He has been faithful. I look back at the last couple of months and I can’t help but say ‘ Praise the Lord!’.

psalm 68-19

This verse is a perfect summary of the song in my heart. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I am still standing but the truth is that I have been carried. Like a child in her mother’s arms, I have been embraced, encouraged, cherished, cuddled, protected and nourished. Praise the Lord!

I’d like to share something my husband shared, that has been replaying in my heart.

K SQUAD CHRONICLES (HIS FAITHFULNESS) This week was my thirty something birthday, 5th marriage anniversary, and a few months short of our 5th year in Mombasa. Its a busy season of life (wife, kids, ministry, work and new projects etc) so I didn’t get to reflect about it until Friday evening. As I reflected on the journey, through the ups and downs,the stretching seasons (they seem many:-) ). I realized one thing is constant: GOD’S FAITHFULNESS. In our home we have a saying “keep the main thing, the MAIN THING!” Basically don’t lose focus on your main goal/goals or be distracted by the nuisances of life. My prayer is that I will heed the call and “Keep the main thing, the main thing! “For I know, LORD, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course.”(Jeremiah 10:23)

P.S Whatever you have been procrastinating about, waiting on the right conditions to start or do, heed the call, jump in, for we are but a breath, here today gone tomorrow. (Psalm 144:4)


Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow.

The truth is that I have so many dreams that I have been putting on hold, but tomorrow is not assured.

My prayer is that the Lord will teach me how to number my days. That I will walk in (prompt) obedience and let the Lord glorify Himself in my life.

If you would like me to stand with you in prayer, please send me an email via bibi2bee@gmail.com.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Lessons From My Daughters (Pt 8) Love, Life & Sisterhood

We celebrated five years of marriage a few days ago. Where did time fly to? It’s a both short and long time. I will do a marriage post soon, I have to keep up with the tradition:). I can’t wait to read the compilation when we celebrate ten years of marriage by God’s grace.

marriage-be-like-Christ

As I write this, I’m wearing heels for the first time since I gave birth, Ksena says that they are my dancing shoes, so she helped me put them on. She saw some pictures of us during our wedding and she thinks that I am a princess. It’s so sweet. I’ve not refuted her claims, after all I am a Daughter of the most High King. What a beautiful reminder, that I need to put my dancing shoes on and dance to the music of life.

The K girls have blossomed, and I know that this is just the beginning but it is such a joy to watch them grow. In the coming months, Ky will be mobile and it should be interesting watching her follow Miss K, or not. I love that they are fond of each other. When Ksena wakes up, after her prayer she asks where her sister is. When Ky sees her she gives her a big toothless smile and chuckle. Ky has figured out that some days Miss K leaves her at home. Last week, she wailed when she saw me going to pick her up and we ended up going together.

sisterhood

There is a sweet sisterhood bond being formed here and I am super excited to see it grow and stick. As usual, these girls are teaching me a lot about life, faith and peace. This past week, I was a student in Miss Ky’s little class.

Where are they?

Ky loves to go outside. If you take her to the door she will prompt you to open the grill door, and take her out. Yesterday, we all went out and she was ecstatic as we walked out. She loved every second of being outside, the breeze and the branches swaying made her smile. She enjoyed watching Ksena and daddy run around. When it was was time for her and I to go back to the house, she kept craning her neck to see where Ksena and daddy were. Even as we closed the door she kept looking back and mumbling.

Leave no man behind.

An almost 7 month-old baby, demonstrated what it means to deeply care for and love someone. You need to check on them and see where they are.

I had a conversation with Peter two days ago about the importance of praying for people who are yet to receive salvation. And I wrote a list of people that I have committed not to ‘leave behind’.

Do not pass me by!

Ky is super alert, she knows who comes in, when they come in and when they leave. Every time that hubby passes by Ky, she immediately puts her hands up and starts mumbling to get his attention. If he doesn’t carry her or acknowledge her she gets upset and starts crying. She has learned how to cry with her eyes closed for emphasis 🙂 . I’m not sure where she picked that from.

When I’m home, I have to hide to write, because once she gets her eyes on me, she wants me to carry her immediately. Waving hi is not enough. Nah, she wants the full shebang. Now that I’m there, she is suddenly thirsty for milk.

It reminds me a lot of my walk with God. In fact the song that comes to mind is, ”While on others thou art calling, do not pass me by.” In many ways, I am just like Ky, it could have even become a daily prayer, that ‘Yes, Lord I can see you, and I would like you to call me by name and lift me up’. Ky reminds me that it is okay to call out. Just because I spent one hour with Him earlier doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t still desire Him. I pray that I will always look to Him to satisfy me.

I’m currently enjoying playlists by Worship Mob.

‘I want to know your heart!’

Have a blessed week,

Bibi2be

The Story That Never Grows Old

For the last one month, we have been reading the crucifixion story about five out seven days a week. Sometimes I want to read other stories, like Gideon and his three hundred me. But, Ksena won’t have it. She wants ‘Jesus on the cross’. Sometimes she is nice and lets you read the story you want, and then politely reminds you that she would still like Jesus on the cross.

After reading the story over twenty times, and asking the Lord for new revelation, it was getting kind of old. I mean, we are not even transitioning to the Resurrection, we have been at the cross for one month. One month. Attempts to transition us have been futile. In fact yesterday, Ksena asked me ‘Where is Mary as Jesus is hanging on the cross?’. It looks like there is a lot more to unpack from the two pages. There’s a lot more that I can allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to me.

Yesterday, I read a quote that rebuked me.

familiarity

Selah!!

Have I become so familiar with the cross that I am complacent? In the sense that I am not constantly keeping my eyes at the cross, and leaving my burdens at its base.

Tonight I’m going to read the story of the cross again, this time, as I ask the Lord to always be the center. As I read, my prayer is that I will not be distracted by the things, pressures and pleasures of this world. That I will always remember that I was bought at a price, for the glory and honor of the King.

I’m humbled that the Lord has used this story that Ksena can’t get enough of, to remind me that my mind, heart and being must remain stayed on Him.

Which story are you currently reading? What is the Lord currently teaching you?

Blessings,

Bibi2be

From The Mouth of Babes, God Speaks!

As I write this, I am hiding from the girls. I love them to bits, but today I am taking a small break, to write and also miss THE hour. You know, the hour when they fight sleep and end up being a little feisty.

About two weeks ago, I had one of those days when I was weary. I had given all that I had and was ready for bed but the babies had extra energy. I whispered to heaven, “Lord, does heaven deliver chocolate cake and hugs?”. Then I heard nothing. I’m not too sure what I was expecting to hear though. Though a direct delivery would have been heavenly, see what I did there? 🙂

There was no time to sit and sulk. The evening routine had to be done. The girls don’t care about my internal atmosphere, they just want mummy, to read them their bible and pray with them before bed. Speaking of bible reading, Ksena’s current favorite story is Jesus on the cross. She asks for it each and every day.  Initially I struggled with how to answer all her questions. I was not exactly sure how to simplify death and resurrection or how much her two year old mind would understand. But, I decided to tell her the truth, biblical truth and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. Mine is to sow seeds and pray that it lands on good soil, and the Lord, the gardener, will water the seeds and that they will grow. In this season, I have been increasingly grateful for the Holy Spirit. John 14 and 16 are dear to me.

ps 119-11

Look at me digress 🙂 That evening, after we’d read the story of Jesus on the cross, Ksena started singing. Mummy, “Hear Christ calling, ‘Come unto me, and I will give you rest.’ ” She sang it over and over again, and it got my attention. I heard loud and clear that the rest that my weary and somewhat empty soul needed was in God. I slept smiling that night. Exhausted but at peace.

I currently cannot get enough of this song. It is my prayer.

Acts 3 comes to mind and it reminds me that when the Spirit comes, you overflow. You cannot remain the same.

Eternity is but a heartbeat away ~ Cornelius Lindsey.

We were created to worship God. It won’t start when we die, it will be a continuation of what we have been doing here on earth. My prayer is that my life song, our life songs will be acceptable to Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Keeping Journals For My Daughters

I have a box full of journals that I’ve written over the years. Each of them is a treasure of emotions and a testimony of how far God has carried me. I started writing at about 8 years old. Then, I didn’t think it would be something that I’d carry with me for the rest of the life, but writing was my outlet.

There are seasons where I have been very consistent with writing, and others where I have taken so long to complete a journal. But deep within, I’ve known that writing is good for me. I process life through writing. Sometimes I look back and I’m amazed at the depth in the journal entries.

journal

When I was pregnant, I had an idea to keep a journal for my girls. After Ky was born, I bought them journals that I felt reflected their personalities and started writing late last year.

This has turned out to be one of my favorite pastimes, I actually look forward to spend time writing when they are asleep. It warms my heart.

This verse is what nudged me to keep journals for my girls.

psalm 145-4

I realized that it is very easy to forget to share the good things that God has done. But there is something powerful about sharing testimonies. They ignite a flame in the faith of the hearer. They point them back to God.

It has been such an amazing experience. I have enjoyed writing little prayers, testimonies of the Lord’s doing, our memories, words of wisdom, and funny moments. I want to incorporate little drawings.

My prayer is that they will glean wisdom, laugh at the precious memories, but over all, stand in awe of God. He is faithful. I want them to know it for themselves, and see His footsteps through their lives and His finger prints on their hearts.

Would you like to start keeping a journal for your children? All you need is a journal, pen and a heart to write. The stories will flow, the testimonies will be shared and their faith will be strengthened in the Lord.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

The Clamor and Melody of Motherhood

We are smack in the middle of teething and a wonder week. I’m slightly sleep deprived because I’m a human paci, but this, my heart, is filled with joy and awe.

Looking back at the past six months I am amazed by how God has carried us. My mum is visiting, when she witnessed one evening of rush hour, she asked me, “How do you do it?”. I laughed because I know how hard and intense some days are, but they are rewarding. I still look at my girls and think, “Thank you Lord.”

Beautiful-Motherhood-Quotes-Mothers-Day

One of the episodes of Pocoyo that I relate with is when Pocoyo, Pato and Ellie find musical instruments and try to play them. The result is a clamor. When they eventually learn to play the same melody, it is nice to listen to.

Motherhood is a lot like having rookies playing different instruments at the highest volume possible. Sometimes, you can’t wait to turn off the music, except, one instrument may not sleep through the night. Yes, imagine an enthusiastic budding drummer, drumming right next to your ear in the middle of the night. Sometimes I want to scream, other times I want to hug them tight. But, somehow in the midst of the chaos there is a beautiful song playing in the background, reminding me that the rattle, will one day make a beautiful symphony.

Six months later, I’m still sane!! God is faithful. At some point, it was a struggle. But we made it. This is why I am celebrating a half birthday, because I know the behind the scenes reel. And, our standing here is nothing short of a miracle. Mother’s of multiples, you my friends, are clothed in strength! I don’t know how you do it. But there is a God.

I honestly don’t know when is the ‘right time’ to have another baby, everyone has a subjective opinion on this. What I do know though, is when the little one comes, the season changes. But God’s grace never runs out.

motherhood

I doubt myself so many times. But I trust the one who called me and longs to equip me. I’m taking it one day at a time. Drinking from His fount of grace and loving on these girls. 

Here’s to winning at weaning. Fully relying on God for grace, wisdom and strength. Leading these girls back to Christ. And leaving a legacy worthy of the calling that I have received.

This song is my prayer!!!

There is no other God!

Blessings,

Ess

 

6 Years On: Grief, Life, Love

Oh my, time flies. It’s amazing how things change and some remain the same.

6 years ago, I didn’t know if I would ever be okay and not think about my dad every living moment. It sounds extreme, but I was heart broken. But time, and God,  they have a way of healing your heart. Over the years, the grief has changed. It has felt different and been different. During my last trip to the beach, I sat next to Ksena at the shore and the we played with the water. She enjoyed the little waves tickling her toes. When the waves got stronger she squealed with joy that the water was splashing on her back. Then out of nowhere, an innocent looking wave came, and it was bigger than we thought, but I yanked her up in time and we stared at the wave as it crashed.

Grief is like the ocean, sometimes your heart is calm, and then other times, when you least expect it, sorrow rocks up and is literally a wet blanket, and you have to leave. For some reason, the last couple of weeks, Ksena has been asking me about my dad. Both her grandpas went to be with the Lord, so she doesn’t quite understand the concept of grandpa. So we’ve had to talk about what happens when we die. I’m yet to find a simple way to explain the complexity that is death. Somewhere after one of our conversations, a wave, a mighty big wave hit me, and I felt a sadness and longing, and soon after a peace.

Life. Goes. On.

That’s what I wish I could tell myself 6 years ago. That the eyes that were filled with tears of sadness would one day be filled with tears of joy. My emotions have been confused. On one hand I’m remembering my dad 6 years on, and 8 days later, I am celebrating the milestone of Ky being 6 months old. They are both big things in my life that elicit a myriad of emotions.

But I read something a few days ago that really captured what my heart had been trying to articulate to my brain over and over.

no amount

Ain’t that the truth!

I use the term here achievement here loosely, because, I know that motherhood is not an achievement, it is stewardship, and I will be held accountable. My point is, being a mum fills my heart with joy but it doesn’t erase the pain, sadness of losing a parent. Each is a big deal, they both carry weight.

theres a time

The reality is that each day that passes we are closer to the grave. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I don’t know much about the complexities of life, but I know this, that I don’t want to die with dreams and plans that I never executed. So I’m taking steps each day to ensure that I die empty, having done what the Lord placed me on earth to do.

Live-Full.-Die-Empty.-Success-Daily-Reminder-khairilsianipar

I am not alone! This is truth that I’ve had to remind myself over and over when in the depths of grief. Over the years I have realized that love is a doing word. It’s more than just an emotion or a phrase that is tossed around. It is an action. Love is present and not passive. God has been there.

I can attest to the fact that God’s love has carried me. My daily prayer is that I will understand His love, continually experience it and be made complete with the fullness of life and power that comes from Him.

Ephesians 3:18-19 New Living Translation (NLT)

18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

I”m currently listening to this song on replay. It’s my declaration.

6 years later, I say  Thank you Jesus for your love. Siyabonga. You know the depths of my heart, where it aches and longs, and I know that You are there. Right there in the stillness; and your peace and joy will replace the sadness that ebbs and flows.

He is the Father to the fatherless! My God. He is faithful. Forever.

Today I celebrate life! #DKM

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

I Need You!

I never thought that I’d enjoy my own company, I was so used to being around people and having a community was a comfort zone. I highly suspect that I learned this from my mum, she’s had a good circle of friends for many years. Then I had to learn how to survive without too many people. I’ve come a mighty long way, ask my husband 🙂 I can now hang out by myself, and actually enjoy it.

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My last trip to the ocean was very contemplative. I walked right into the water as the girls played with sand and begun to pray. I prayed that God would help me a better wife and mother. Writer. Then after I rumbled about each of these roles, I prayed that I would be who He created me to be. It came after all the explanations.

As I shared with hubs about our swim in the ocean, my prayer time and thoughts on life, he said that if I am the woman God created me to be, all these other things and roles will fall right into place. I walked away in silence, not in a rude ‘huff and puff’ manner, but one that said, ‘Selah, I’ma just go to my corner and think about all of that truth’.

It’s so easy to get absorbed by the roles that I play, so busy doing and forget about being. Even as life is getting busier, I realize the importance of pausing and seeking His face. Our eyes must remain on Him, not easily distracted by the fleeting things of this world. Our hearts must remain stayed on Him. Our faith in Him. He alone is God. We need Him on good days as much as we need Him on bad days.

I’ve been singing this song for the past couple of weeks. It’s been my daily declaration that I need God. I need Him.

Where will I go without, Your hand holding me
And How could I live without You I can’t see
Lord, what will I do with Life where will I go
How would I handle things All that I know
Cos’ I Fail, Again

I Fall, I Fall so short, so short
You Know, You know my End Lord
From the start, You know my heart
I Need You

Life happens. Seasons change. But the fact remains, I need you.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Now I Can Confirm That It Gets Better

I used to dislike Mondays, to the extent that I’d make no plans. Monday was set aside to recover from the weekend. I’d warm up into the day, and be on airplane mode during the day, awake but unable to do some things.

My girls on the other hand, did not get the Monday memo, so they’d wake up raring to go into the new week. In retrospect, my energy or lack thereof must’ve been such a wet blanket. For instance today, Miss K is painting some shells that we picked up last week, then we’ll use them to make a shaker, then we’ll make some music and sing with her teddies. Perfect plan, if you asked me.

The last couple of days I have just been in awe of God. I’ve been in a good space, a few weeks ago, it was a very different narrative. I was in a dark hole; the mummy hole. As I’ve done different things over the past weeks, I’ve seen God’s hand. There’s been a desire to work, energy to see it through, a genuine smile and a hearty laugh as I related with the girls.

Today, I’m looking forward to making some music with the girls as I teach them about Miriam. Mine will be a song of praise because the Lord has done it for me. This is my testimony:

psalm 59-16-17

I want to know this verse by heart, that I will declare it each and every day.

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if, when, where or how it’d get better. But now I can confirm that it does. There’s no darkness so dark that His light can’t illuminate, no hole too deep that He can’t lift you out of, no bondage too strong that He can’t rescue you from. There is no situation that is too difficult for Him.

Have a blessed week, friends.

Bibi2be

 

 

 

 

Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus Part 2

I’m back with good news 🙂

Mid last year I posted about my struggle to find a place to fellowship with the girls. It got to place that I stopped struggling and decided to sit at home, also because I didn’t hear back from anyone in Mombasa.

Earlier this year, the desire to search again was reignited, so we started hunting again, but we didn’t quite find a fit for our ‘not yet three’ year old. When I was on the verge of giving up again, I prayed and told God that I would try once more and if it didn’t work out (read: I didn’t find a good fit), I was taking a(nother) long break. I wanted a sign that this was where we were supposed to be.

But God, answers prayers and He directs our paths ( if we let Him). When I went to this church, the person who greeted me said exactly what I had been asking the Lord. It later turned out that we were each other’s answer to prayer. I am in awe of the Lord we serve. I was reminded to remain obedient and allow the Lord to order my steps for the glory of His name. If we remain fluid, He will channel us where we need to go.
prov 21I don’t know how long we’ll be here and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to live in the season and learn and grow where I am. Children’s Ministry here I come. Through this all I can see His hand, I know that through pregnancy and motherhood, God changed me. He gave me a heart for children. Who would’ve thought I’d be writing children’s books or even serving with Children.

 

Here’s to an unknown adventure with a known God.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

 

 

Morning Reflections: Remain Fluid, Always

The ocean is my happy place. When I moved to Mombasa, I used to wonder how and why the people who lived here didn’t frequent the ocean. Then I got comfortable, became one of ‘them’, my ‘let’s go to the ocean’ plans became sparse. I guess after a few months, it became the norm, sort of like Uhuru park 🙂

Yesterday morning, I went for a walk on the beach and I was just so blown away. It was so nostalgic! Reminded me of the love that I had for God when I moved to Mombasa. Please don’t get me wrong, I still love Jesus. Though life was different then. But I was reminded to remain fluid regardless of the season in life. To always be available for the Spirit of the Lord to blow me in the direction that he pleases. Having the waves crash at my feet was an example of what He can do with a fluid heart.

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I left so recharged and in awe of God. I kept singing this song.

Oh that I will search for Him and find Him, everyday, in the big things and the little things.

We serve a big God!! He deserves all of our praise. May our life songs sing to Him.  Standing by the ocean humbled me. My response was YES! Yes, I will go where you send me, even across the fence, the nations and oceans. Obedience begins where I’m at, it’s not a destination but a state of being.

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Here’s to many more walks by the ocean, many refreshing reflections and an irresistible love for Jesus that oozes into every part of my life.

Remain Fluid, Always!

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Children: They Keep Me on My Toes And Remind Me To Remain On My Knees

Hello 🙂

I’ve been a little scarce on these streets. It’s Endometriosis Awareness Month, I’ve been writing more regularly on my other blog Yellow Endo Flower, sharing about living with Endometriosis in Kenya.

As I’ve written this month, I’ve been thankful. My little girls are a breath of fresh air, full of joy. They keep me on my toes, but also remind me to remain on my knees; to have a thankful heart and keep crying out to God, because there is nothing too difficult for Him. Oh there is nothing too difficult for the Lord.

Jer 32;27

I was sharing with hubby a few days ago about how I need to ask the Lord for forgiveness, because sometimes I know that He can do all things. But other times, I doubt Him. Yet He is God! Omniscient, Omnipresent and Omnipotent. He is God. Oh how I need to surrender, seek His will and trust His heart.

As Ksena and Kyria entertain me as I write, I am reminded that there is nothing too hard for the Lord. He is God. There is no situation too difficult for Him. These girls are my reminder that He is healer. Not even Endometriosis could stand in His way. There is no mountain too big for Him. So we put our trust in Him.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 New Living Translation (NLT)

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
    and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
    with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
    or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
    and they never stop producing fruit.

I say Praise be to the Lord. There is nothing too difficult for Him. Don’t give up on Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Don’t Give Up! You Can Do It.

“I can’t do it!” she exclaimed in sheer frustration.

At that moment I run to the bathroom and found her sitting on her potty, upset, saying over and over, “I can’t do it.”

As I stood at the door, A myriad of emotions flooded my heart. I was sad that the negative self talk voice was at work. I mean she is only two, don’t little humans get a bit more time without having to fight the other voices? I was determined to let her know that indeed she can and she will.

I hugged her and reassured her that she can do it and she will do it. I reminded her a simple truth, that she can do all things through Christ who strengthens her.

This happened at a time when I had been reading about Moses and I could really relate with him. The negative voice had told him that he was not skilled enough to speak to Pharaoh.

Exodus 4:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

God’s response showed Moses God’s power.

Exodus 4:11 New Living Translation (NLT)

11 Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord?

When I AM sends you, go, He is behind you and He knows it can be done.

Our memory verse for the season is:

phil4-13

The good news is since that day, she has been able to use the potty and we have celebrated her effort. Potty training is a work in progress, like everything in life. Sometimes we get it right, other times we don’t, but all in all, we stay the course, and choose not to give up. We celebrate ourselves because we can, and we will.

What is it that you’ve been telling yourself that you can’t do? What have you been holding yourself back from doing? Today, I urge you to examine it according to the word of God and hear what He says. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Amani Ya Juu: Live, Love, Laugh

This morning, I am dancing to this song.

One of the things that I enjoy about being in Nairobi is that there are lots of places to go with young children, that you both enjoy. When I visited in 2016, a friend told me about a place that Ksena and I would enjoy, but we didn’t get a chance to visit it then.

A few weeks ago, we finally got a chance to go to to Amani Ya Juu. It was worth the wait. The serene atmosphere was exactly what our Monday needed. It has a nice playground for children under 10, a beautiful garden and a lovely gift shop. The gift shop is something to write home about. It has beautiful handmade goods with a card attached that includes the name of the person who made it and a bible verse.

“Amani ya Juu (Higher Peace) is a training project in sewing and marketing for African women who have been affected by wars and ethnic conflicts. The purpose of this project is twofold; one is to give African women an opportunity to improve their sewing and marketing skills to provide for the needs of their families and the other is to sow seeds of peace in the hearts of these women. Wonderful hand-made and hand dyed toys and home decorations, very African with a modern twist.” ~ Kenya Buzz

Above all, the peace of God, a higher peace is there. Amani ya juu! This is a place I would definitely go to read a lovely book, spend time with God and just be. And shop:).

These wall hangings from the gift shop are serving as a special reminder to live, love and laugh this year and for the years to come.

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Acts 17:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

If I am not connected to God I will not live, move and be as He designed me. John 15:5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” To live the life that God desires me to live, I must remain connected to Him.

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1 John 3:16 New International Version (NIV)

16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Love is more than the warm fuzzy feelings. Love is laying down my life for others. I had an interesting conversation with a mum a few days ago, she said parenting is all about sacrifice and I responded that you are the sacrifice. A living sacrifice, whose mind is constantly being renewed by Christ.

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Psalm 126:2-3 New International Version (NIV)

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us,
    and we are filled with joy.

God has done great things for me. When I take my eyes off Him I start to mumble and grumble, I lose the light in my eye and forget to laugh. Yet He has filled my mouth with laughter. Ksena has been reminding me to laugh from the bottom of my heart. This year, I will laugh.

I am really enjoying this ‘Sounds of Revival film’ by William McDowell.

http://www.williammcdowellmusic.com/watch-sounds-of-revival-film//

Blessings,

Bibi2be

The Crucible Project: Where Lives Were Changed

Something amazing happens when a man has an encounter with God.

About a week ago, I attended a very interesting graduation. There were no gowns, caps and tassels. But, there were certificates awarded to the men graduating and heartwarming, inspiring stories from the ladies in their lives.

Late last year, my husband was told about the Crucible Project. Being the curious wife I am, I quickly searched for more information on the website ( Thank God for the internet). The website described the program but didn’t really give details. And I wanted details. I wanted to know that on day one they will do a, b, c, d . You’d really think that I was the one attending this camp, but in my defense, we are one :).

I’ll have you know that even now, after Peter has attended it, I don’t know much more than the website tells you. And I am okay with that. Because what I do know, is that God was there, and I can see the change.

israels-god-is-god-a-changed-man-genesis-33120-5-638.jpg

The graduation was simple and amazing. It was really great to hear how different men had encountered God. Better still, how the women in their lives had seen the change. You cannot encounter God and remain the same. Something deep within changes, if you let it.

It is not about the mechanics of the camp, but about the encounter that they each had. The conditions at camp were standard but the men all left with something different. The common factor is that God had met them and that encounter had changed their lives forever.

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God longs to meet with us, love on us and change us. Sometimes we need to take time out from our busy schedules and spend uninterrupted time with him. This is exactly what the Crucible Project was for these men.

To the Crucible Project team, may the Lord bless you and keep you, may He cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace. May He satisfy you with Himself and grant you grace and strength to continue serving Him. Crossing oceans to come to Kenya was not in vain, lives have been changed, for the glory of the Lord’s name.

As I write this, Miss Ky are singing to this song on repeat. Death couldn’t hold him down. There is no situation too dead that the Lord cannot resurrect.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

5 Things Motherhood Has Taught Me

It’s amazing how much I’ve learned in my three years of being a mother. This journey that has stretched me, has also, blessed me. In the moments that I thought I would break I realized something new about myself, my God; a greater level of grace.

Life is a miracle

Conception, gestation and delivery are all a miracle, hands down, God’s hand can be seen through it all. Getting pregnant is not as easy as we sometimes think, carrying a pregnancy and giving birth through whichever method, are nothing short of a miracle. I constantly marvel at how great God is, to think that the sperm and egg fused, and he knit a being, with body parts, a soul, a mind, is truly mind blowing. Watching the girls grow has humbled me, made me see God as the creator. His handprint is all over our lives as a whole. Laminin continually blows me away. Indeed it is He who holds us together.

Good health should never be taken for granted

Being sick sucks. I’m currently recovering from a flu. It was bad. What’s worse though, is seeing my girls unwell. That is so difficult. I feel so helpless, I want to carry the sickness on their behalf, but more than anything, I want them to be well. Back to their good ol’ bubbly selves. Good health should never be taken for granted. Never, ever! Health is wealth.

Sleep, oh sweet sleep, is to be savored

When my bed time reaches, I bolt to bed. No one needs to tell me it’s time to sleep. Gone are the days of falling asleep watching a movie. Sleep is a priority. Sleep is a break. Sleep is a slice of heaven on earth. Perhaps the only thing I didn’t do enough of before I had tots, is sleep. I have no idea why I was waking up so early just before I delivered Ky; if only you could sleep in advance 🙂 Sleeping in feels like Christmas, y’know, it happens once a year.  Sleep when you can!

You give what you have

You can’t pour out of an empty cup. Motherhood is servant leadership. It’s sweet and dirty, because we all know that diaper won’t change itself; it’s hard work.  It’s stretching and rewarding. Being present, emotionally, physically and spiritually, can take a toll on you. I’ve learned and I continue to learn the importance of filling my cup, spending time with God and letting Him refresh me. When I am irritable, anxious and angry, I look within. The circumstances squeeze out what is within. Quiet time with God is not optional, it is crucial. His grace is sufficient for me. His mercies are new every morning, it’s up to me to let Him fill me up.

Be present now

‘They’ll be all grown up before you know it!’ Boy, is this phrase true. You don’t get these years back, so it’s best to enjoy the different seasons of life. Change is not always a bad thing. My girls are growing, aren’t we all. I keep reminding myself to enjoy these years, because I’ll never get them back. So we will draw together, play with rattles, sing and dance and have a great time.

We have to decide to live our best lives now. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. The biggest lie is that we have time, time to make up for the things we haven’t done; time to start living later. Today is a gift, let’s live it and be all that God created us to be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Where The Skies Are Grey

Today is a good day.

The last couple have been hard; difficult; a blur. The post baby blues have felt closer to navy blue, scratch that black. Pitch black. A big black hole, that I just couldn’t get out of. I’m not new to these dark shades, but what they encompassed these last couple of days, I was not ready for. They have shown me just how dark, dark can be. I was breaking, drowning on dry land. In a sea of sadness and loneliness. The saddest part, is drowning when you so badly want to and need to stay afloat. Struggling not to cry, battling anger, watching your appetite and milk supply diminish. Physically fine but running on Empty.

sadness

It’s hard not having a support system. God has blessed me with a great friend in my husband, he is a star! But there is only so much that He can do and be for me. I have grieved not having the support I would like, and then found comfort in the Lord. Because what else is there to do, but accept that this is a season, as you pray that it gets easier.

Psalm 119 has been such a comfort for me the last couple of days. And this song, is the anthem of my heart.

Out of the mist I have seen His hand.

Today is a better day. I’ve smiled from the depths of my heart, I have made it to the gym. I have done something for myself. I am writing; this is huge, I’ve struggled to write three lines in my journal, the dashboard of this blog has gathered some dust.

Miss Ky is 3 months, I’m all set to celebrate this far that the Lord has brought us. She is watching me write this, encouraging me with her smiles. I am grateful for the journey that is motherhood. Even on the days that I struggle, I know that these girls are blessings from above. They are not to blame for the complexities of my emotions. After all is said and done, It is well; and when it’s not, we hold on to the hope that it shall be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Love and Hair Chronicles

Let’s talk about love.

Love is many things, but the one thing that has a special place in my heart is, love is acts of service.

When I was a little girl, I loathed my hair being done. This led to my hair being shaved a number of times, not in a nice faded hair cut kind of way. Nah! Nobody had time for professional cut. It was a quickly done hair cut with scissors amidst tears. Not the pretty kind. But hair grows. And for that, we thank God!

My mum’s friend used to come and do my hair, it was her love language to my mum and I, though I was too sensitive to see it as that. By sensitive, I mean my scalp was sensitive and I didn’t like my hair being done (read: disturbed). My scalp is still sensitive so I avoid having my hair done in salons. And so far, so good. There are about 5 people who I let touch my head. Though once in a while, I miss being pampered, until I remember how my hairdressers live 500 kilometers away.

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Miss K, has a beautiful mane; she was born with a full head of hair. Miss Ky on the other hand, was born with a hair cut 🙂 so I had to trim her hair a few weeks ago. One of the things I had not fully thought about was how I would do their hair as they grew. When Ksena was old enough to have hair done, I realized she hated her head being touched, and I totally understood the feeling because she probably got it from me. I learned to let the unsolicited advice fly over my head. Many people had a vision for her hair, and we were still on the afro tip.

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Late last year, she begun to show interest in hairstyles other than afro. At first I was confused because we had been #TeamSensitiveScalp for as long as I could remember, but I had to shelve my biases and let her have her hair done. Slowly we begun to tie it up and we liked the results. Then she begun to ask if we could have a lady do house calls for her hair to be done. At that moment, I looked at with the phrase, ‘Who are you??’ running through my mind. But again, my biases needed to take a back seat.

Early December she had her hair done and it looked nice. It was decided that we’d have it done for Christmas. The week leading up to Christmas, had me looking for the stylist. Long story short, on Christmas Eve, I realized she was over booked and wasn’t coming. Cue mini panic. Because doing hair was not my thing. But life has a way of showing us that we can be and do different things at different times.

I was a little bummed she wasn’t coming, but the hair had to get done before Miss Ky woke up. I said a prayer and asked God to help me. In moments like those it is only God who can help. Half an hour later, Ksena had a new hair do that we all liked.

This verse came alive for me.

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In retrospect, maybe it’s not so bad that she didn’t come. In the midst of the mini hair crisis, I saw a side of me that I didn’t quite think I had.

Here’s to doing more things that are out of our comfort zones and trusting God to give us the knowledge we need. I am trying new things on her hair, and I’m determined to get better at doing more versatile hairstyles. Indeed, there is always of a silver lining.

With God by your side, nothing is impossible.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

The Sweet Things In Life

Happy New Year everybody 🙂

American pancakes are absolutely delish. I can’t have too many of them though, because bloating is real and wheat cushions my waist line 🙂 I enjoy oat and banana pancakes as well, but I’m on my own, the rest of the K squad like crepes.

When I made American pancakes to end the year, I had to convince Ksena to eat them by drizzling some honey on them. Since Miss Ky came, I’m on the clock most times. I’ve had to learn how to multitask and work faster, because as Ksena says, ‘mama has two totos’. And I need to meet their needs. So on this day, both girls wanted their breakfast stat but I couldn’t find the honey. After walking in circles, I decided to step out of the kitchen and look in from the outside. I found it immediately and was able to serve Ksena and feed Kyria. There was world peace in the K household.

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It got me thinking as I was breastfeeding, it’s the same thing with life, sometimes it’s important to look in from the outside and see just how blessed you are. If you are intentional, you realize the sweet things are right in front of you.

Here’s my ‘sweet things’ jar for 2017.

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I’m looking forward to keeping a record of the sweet moments and being thankful daily.

If you’d like to join me on this sweet journey of thanksgiving, you can make a sweet things jar by using a tin/container and wrapping paper to cover it. 

Have a blessed new year filled with joy, peace and good health.

Here’s to many adventures in Him and with Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

2016: Tried and Tested. Yet I Still Believe

The last couple of days have disoriented me. I’ve been too tired to cry. 2016 has been a roller coaster with really good days and some really sad, dark ones too. It’s had it’s share of trials and tests and I’ve had to keep reminding myself that this is not new.

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This December I read the Christmas story using the Advent reading plan; it was a beautiful time of reading. This verse really stood out for me.

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Some versions say, “He will be the source of our peace.” During the last couple of days, this verse has resonated with me. Life has made me feel anxious, antsy, angry, agitated. But I’ve been reminded to keep my focus on Jesus for He is the source of my peace.

A few days ago, as I put Kyria to bed, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, ‘Do you believe?’. I said, “I believe, help my unbelief. The truth is even in the midst of the darkness, I still believe, though doubt sometimes floods my heart; I know in the depths of my heart that He is for me.

This song came to mind and it has been my declaration since.

I don’t need to see the bigger picture to believe what God says. By faith I can speak and see a thing.

I’m going into 2017 , not limited by what I’ve seen in 2016 but believing that His word is true, that there is so much that I can do. I’m believing that because He said it in His word, it settles it in the earth.

Through the trials and tests, I still believe that He is for me and I am safe in His arms. So I have chosen to give up my pride and turn away from arrogance. I’m not concerned with great matters or subjects too difficult for me. I have stilled and quieted myself in His embrace, just as a child; just as my sweet Ky is still in her mother’s arms.

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Here’s to 2017!

God  is on the throne my dear friends, here’s to many more adventures in Him and with Him.

Happy new year!!!

Thank you for journeying with the K’s and I ❤ I’m excited to see where the Lord orders our steps!!

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Sisterhood From A Two Year Old’s Perspective

When I was growing up, I always wanted a sister. I had our lives all planned out. How we’d have little tea parties, raid each others wardrobes, enjoy some hand-me-downs and crack the boy code together.

Well, truth be told, things didn’t turn out as I expected. When mama came from the hospital, she had a bouncing little boy ( I wonder why newborns are referred to as bouncing anyway, seeing as they lay pretty still). Back to my story, a precious little boy made his debut into our home. I was sad that I had officially been dethroned as the only child ( they didn’t prepare me enough). I now had to share everything including my parents attention. But I survived; though I still longed, ever so deeply for a sister.

I must say though, God did give me sisters from other mothers. Along the way, seasons have changed and time and distance have had their way. But, there is a bond I’ve made with a few, that has stood the test of time, proximity and shifting seasons.

Watching Ksena and Kyria together has struck chords in my heart. I’m learning so many lessons about sisterhood. The simple truths.

This is what sisterhood is according to a two year old:

Sisterhood is checking up on each other

Every morning, when Ksena wakes up, she comes into my room and says “Good morning mama, where is my sister? How was her night?”

During the day, she constantly asks, “Mum, what is Kyria/sister doing? How is she feeling?”

Sisterhood is protecting each other

When someone that Ksena doesn’t know picks up her sister, she stops what she is doing and asks us ( her parents) what is happening, to know if her sister is safe. She always points out little things that she thinks will hurt Kyria.

Sisterhood is helping each other

This morning, Ky refluxed as she was on her bouncy chair. Immediately Ksena said, “Mama, Kyria spat up. Let me help wipe her.” Then she took a muslin cloth and wiped the spit up. And Ky gave her a big toothless smile.

Sisterhood is standing in the gap

When Kyria starts crying, Ksena is the first person to jump off her seat and attend to her. If she sees I’m taking too long, she comes and says, “Mum! Kyria needs your help. Mum, come help Kyria!”

Sisterhood is loving each other

“Oh Kyria, you are my sister. You are my friend. I love you. Mama, I love Kyria very much.”  These words leave Ksena’s mouth daily. She tells her she loves her and showers her with kisses, hugs and prezzies that she’s made.

Sisterhood is enjoying each other’s company

Ksena likes to be in the same space with Kyria. She is constantly asking to lie next to her or seat next to her or carry her. The look on Ky’s face when Ksena is around is heart warming. She follows her around with her eyes and is all smiles.

Sisterhood is teaching each other

Ksena is currently teaching Kyria to make music (read: sing, dance and play an instrument). She shows her how to do it then asks her to have a turn. Ky smiles in return and bounces to the music in her chair.

Sisterhood is sharing

Haha this is a tricky one. It means sharing parents and toys. Some days there is good sharing of toys. All in all, it’s a work in progress.

Sisterhood is holding each others hands

Ksena likes to hold Kyria’s hands. I constantly discourage this, because Kyria eats her hands. So it’s a song, “Ksena, please don’t touch Kyria’s hands!” then she responds, “but I love her!! Mama, I love my sister very much!” Kyria also reaches out to touch Ksena. Indeed, sisterhood is holding each others’ hands.

Watching this relationship blossom is an answer to prayer and a subtle #sisterhoodgoal.

I’ve been longing to have a milkshake and adult conversation with a sister, but as I wait for that day, I’m going to enjoy watching these girls love on each other.

This weekend, reach out to your sister, let her know you love her. If you can, hang out with her, listen to her and BE with her. If your relationship with her is in a hard place, pray about it, then pick up the phone and extend an olive branch.

Here’s to sisterhood; a relationship made in heaven.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Know That Nose :)

‘She has your eyes!’

‘She looks like her daddy!’

In the last couple of weeks I have heard all sorts of statements as people try to figure out who Ky looks like.

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When I saw Ky for the first time, I couldn’t put my finger on who she looked like. All I knew is that she looked very different from Ksena. I didn’t think she looked like a potato 🙂 I just thought she looked like Ky. But, babies change. They grow. When I look at pictures of Ksena as a newborn and at her now, she looks like two different people. Just this week, is when Hubs pointed out that Kyria looks like Ksena did when she was a baby. Now that he mentions it. I see it. I do! They are similar. But so different. They are individuals.

I sent a friend of mine a pic of Ky, then she showed it to her husband without telling him who it was. He responded, ”I know that nose! That’s Ksena’s nose.” He knew it was Ky. Yes my girls have what I call the Kimemia nose 🙂 It’s their unifying feature with their daddy. So, as much as Ksena (apparently) looks like me, she has her daddy’s nose. They both have their daddy’s nose. The K girls.

I laughed when I heard how prominent the nose is. It’s so precious that without being told who it was, he knew that it was Kyria, yet he hasn’t met her yet. This got me thinking, that there are characteristics that people identify and remember us by. My prayer is that the girls will be identified by and remembered for much more than the K nose. I pray that their love for Jesus and character will have the ‘nose’ effect. I also wouldn’t mind them being the K girls who ride 🙂 that’d definitely be a Kimemia influence 🙂 but all according to God’s plan.

This morning we are dancing to this song in the K household.

Miss K is on the drums as Miss Ky is bobbing her head in her bouncy chair. My prayer is that we will be known for standing out, like the three hebrew boys.

Have a blessed day,

Bibi2be

 

The Manger Project

Story time in the K household is quite entertaining. Most times, Miss K switches between the audience and the story teller.

I’m so glad that children’s books have illustrations that help to tell the story. Most times, they ARE the story.

This is a typical story time:

Mum reads the story……

Miss K speaks up-

“Mama, what’s this?”

‘Mum, and this one?”

“Mummy, look! It’s a cow. Moo!!”

*chuckles*

Last week as we were reading the Christmas story, Ksena asked me these questions:

“Where is Jesus?”

“Where is His bed? Mama! Where is the bed for Jesus?”

I showed her the manger and explained to her that the inn was full, so he had to be born in a stable. I later told her that Jesus is the lamb of God, and lamb are born in stables. Hmm, I know she probably didn’t get the ‘Lamb of God’ part, but it’s so nice to introduce her to Jesus in a way that gives her more perspective. I’m preparing for our Easter story sessions a few years from now, or earlier. We talked about how not all little ones have a bed or the same toys that she does, but we can share with them.

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As I reflected on our conversation, I got an idea that I called the ‘Manger Project’. The aim of the ‘Manger Project’ is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a mum this Christmas. You can bless a new mum this Christmas season by putting together a little bag with essentials, giving her baby accessories. Showering her with love. Helping her through pregnancy and post delivery.

The manger project is about being available, offering your heart, time and ‘stable’.

We may not have all that we desire, but we can be a blessing to one another.

Over the next couple of days, there will be many conversations in our household about presents-giving them and receiving them, as well as presence; Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. As we make merry, may our eyes and hearts remain stayed on Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Please Don’t Touch My Neck

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Every evening after 5:30pm, Miss K asks where her daddy is. Then informs us that he is coming home. She still can’t read a clock, but her body knows it’s evening. Miss Ky on the other hand, knows when it’s time to shower. 6pm is the time. If you delay it by ten minutes, she starts crying; then she starts wailing. And then you deeply regret delaying her shower time.

She loves the water. I can’t wait to start baby swimming with her in a few weeks. She kicks and smiles in the water. It’s such a delight to watch. All is well until you try to clean her neck. She’s figured out how to tuck her chin into her chest and keep her neck out of bounds. But her neck needs to be cleaned. After hosting a  mixture of sweat, spit up and peeling skin, it must see some water and soap. A wet wipe cannot work. She must shower.

Yesterday, as I washed her neck, my spirit was prompted to ask which areas of  my life I refuse the Lord to cleanse, yet they need to be cleaned. It’s easy to judge Ky, but I am like her. For one reason or another, I resist the Lord’s efforts to clean. I too have a smelly, sticky ‘neck’. One that cannot benefit from spraying some perfume.

I’m convicted to allow the Lord to cleanse me that I may be clean. It may feel awkward or inconvenient, but the cleansing is necessary. I pray that every time I clean her neck, I will remember to let the Lord cleanse my neck.

What is your neck? Which part of your life do you resist Him from touching? Would you let the Lord cleanse it today and everyday? 

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I dream with my eyes open

You never really know yourself until you live with someone. Then you get to see who you are when pushed to the wall and when you are embraced and praised. The best perk of them all, is that you get to hear and maybe see (depending on the other party) how you act after hours.

The latter has been true for me. For many years I suffered from Bruxism. I’d gnash my teeth for hours while asleep. I later found out it was a symptom of anxiety. A few months into this married life, I begun to feel safe and pray about it and the Lord delivered me. It didn’t irritate me much, but, hubs on the hand was a bit confused initially that I’d gnash my teeth and sleep through it all.

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Over the years we’ve been married, I’ve heard all sorts of tales about what I do after hours. Most recently, I participated in the mannequin challenge without knowing. And, because hubs knows that I will deny it ever so vehemently, he records it for proof. I surprise myself every once in a while.

I generally go through seasons where I dream a lot. Currently, I’ve been too exhausted to dream as I normally do. I mean, the short naps barely leave time to feel rested, let alone be entertained by dreams. But once in a while I do dream, ever so vividly.

My body has somewhat adjusted to this night shift life. Somewhat, is the key word. I’ve figured that this shift allows me a lot of time to think. Think about life, in it’s vastness. It’s great to see how brainstorming with myself produces good results. I find solutions at this time.

Recently, I begun to dream. To see my life beyond burp cloths, diaper changes and craft sessions. This is a big deal!!! With Miss K, I was stuck in a hole. A hole so dark it consumed me. This time I can see the light!!! I can see new lights. New opportunities. I can dream new dreams. This time, I am inspired. Inspired to hope, love and to dream. To see beyond my horizon (the wall in front of me as I try to burp Ky).

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I’m writing down my dreams and desires. Committing them to prayer and allowing myself to hear God speak.

Oh yes, I’m praying. It’s amazing how God speaks. I’m praying about everything and seeing God move in all things.

Joseph was labelled the dreamer, but His dreams came to pass. I’m holding on to my dreams and clinging to God’s perfect plan for me.

God’s not done with me!

I’m here being fully present in my current season, fully acknowledging that though it may be difficult sometimes, it is not a prison. I’m pursuing the King of Kings; and dreaming. Oh, I’m dreaming with my eyes open.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

My Heart. And Sweet Potatoes

Hello! From the middle of a growth spurt. I’m that mama whose been breastfeeding all morning and counting down to nap time, that’s if the girls allow. They have this deal, where one takes a nap and the other keeps the sleepy-in-desperate-need-of-a nap- mama company. This seems like a legit plan to keep me from getting bored, after all, they are pretty good entertainers.

In the midst of it all, the conversations that I have with Miss K, are so precious. One of the things that I am really enjoying in this season is that she can communicate what’s on her heart and how she feels.

One evening as I burped Miss Ky seated on my bed. Miss K came to keep us company and begun to knock on the head board smiling. Below is the conversation that followed:

Me: “When Jesus knocks at the door of your heart, what do you say?”

Miss K: “Karibu!” (welcome)

Me: “What do you tell him?”

Miss K: “You can have my heart”

Me: “Yes *smiles* and your whole life”

Miss K: “Yes. And Ngwacii?” (and sweet potatoes?)

Me: Yes and Ngwacii.

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This verse came alive for me.

Miss K understands that Jesus wants her heart. Over and above that, she longs to cultivate a relationship with Him. She desires to share the normal things of her life with Him too. On this particular day, sweet potatoes happened to be what she wanted to share.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. My prayer is that I will create an environment where she can encounter the Lord. That I will continue to speak His truth to her, and let her pursue Jesus.

I’m challenged to take time out and have a meal as I pray and let God speak to me.

Would you share a meal with Him today? Take time out to hear Him speak.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

On Second Thought, Don’t Put Me Down

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and chuckle. It’s evident how much I’ve changed the last two years, physically I look more or less the same. Emotionally and mentally, I am a different person.  How calm I am is a testimony if God’s grace. I see the difference between Ess as a first time mum and Ess as a second time mum.

As my mama puts it, experience is the best teacher. My experience of being a mum has come with perspective. And perspective makes all the difference. It informs my decision on how to spend my energy, which moments to savor and what to be anxious about (read: commit to the Lord in prayer as I await His peace).

I know how fast the days pass by. I know that one day I will sleep, one day baby will sleep through the night. Do I hear a hallelujah? You my dear friends may need to remind me this a few months from now. This too shall come to pass.

Speaking of hallelujah, my household has this song on repeat. It calms Miss K and Miss Ky down. Hallelujah!

Perspective has helped me be more present in the now. I’ve made a deliberate decision to enjoy the season.

When I had Miss K I started ‘Lessons from my daughter’ . It looks like it’s time to add ‘s’ to daughter, because Miss Ky is making her debut today.

When she was born, she was a trusting little human being. You could hold her with one hand and she wouldn’t know the difference. About a week ago, it all changed. All of a sudden, she was aware of the fact that she was being put down and to top it up, she was weary of being put down. Rather the process. She was grasping for something to hold.

It is important to note that the hands holding her hadn’t changed. The surface she was being placed on remained constant, but she’d changed. She was more aware, and the ‘hold on for dear life’ reflex was activated.

This lesson floored me. God used Ky to show me that fear comes from within. When I feel afraid and weary of being put down, and the times I even feel let down; I need to remember that His hand has not changed. His love and plans for me remain constant.

His hand, love and heart never change. I am still safe in His hands. He knit me in my mamas womb. He has been upholding me for much longer than I can remember. He can be trusted. He is faithful.

Are you feeling afraid? Weary of being placed down or let down? Remember that God remains the same. His hand and His heart are still for you. He loves you with an everlasting love.

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Isaiah 41:10 has a new meaning for me. I was upheld and He still upholds me.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Don’t Want To Be An Ostrich Mama

As a child, I was fascinated by Ostriches. I thought they were intriguingly beautiful. There was something about the way they spread their wings that enthralled me.

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I hadn’t thought about an Ostrich for a long time, well, that was up until a couple of weeks ago when I read Job 39.

Job 39:13-18New Living Translation (NLT)

13 “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly,
    but they are no match for the feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on top of the earth,
    letting them be warmed in the dust.
15 She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them
    or a wild animal might destroy them.
16 She is harsh toward her young,
    as if they were not her own.
    She doesn’t care if they die.
17 For God has deprived her of wisdom.
    He has given her no understanding.
18 But whenever she jumps up to run,
    she passes the swiftest horse with its rider.

 

As I read this scripture, my heart was convicted. Verse 16 and 17 tugged at my heart strings and caused me to ask the Lord to search my heart. To reveal to me the ways that I have been harsh, insensitive, deprived of wisdom and lacking understanding.

This passage refused to leave my mind. It replayed in my heart for days on end. Then I begun to see how Ostrich like I have been in my motherhood journey and my heart, oh, how it broke. It became crystal clear (again) that I cannot rely on my own wisdom (or lack thereof). 

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My prayer is that in my newborn hazing state I will not be impatient and harsh towards the K girls. That I will be sensitive to the status of their hearts and dreams. That I will be a woman and an understanding mother. Oh, how I pray for wisdom to raise these girls. That I will be loving towards them, that I will always speak lovingly and that my heart will be keen to notice if they are dying in any part of their lives. That my tongue will speak life and not death. That I will encourage them to pursue their dreams and create an environment where they can encounter the Lord.

Now when I think about an Ostrich, I remember that though she is swift and grande, she lacks understanding and has been deprived of wisdom.

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Dear Lord,

Please do not deprive us of wisdom. We ask that you will send your angel to give us instructions on how to raise these children like you did to Manoah and his wife in Judges 13.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

I Will Love, Dearly, Deeply and Deliberately <3

The two lines made my heart skip a beat.

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courtesy of peonies and picnics

Joy and awe flooded my heart.

But doubt was not very far behind.

Two sets of hands of feet were joining our family. Two sets of dreams and destiny. We were going to be parents of two little humans.

I didn’t feel ready, better still qualified. The truth is that sometimes I doubt that I’m doing a good job mummying one set of hands and feet, so the thought of a  bonus had me shaking in my boots. Wondering how I’d love two people. Half hoping it would just happen, and praying that I could be objective, sans favorites. Oh Lord, without favorites. Because they are both mine, my flesh and blood. Above all, they are God’s and I am, we are, just stewards.

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As the days went by, I stopped saying I’d love them equally because I felt like it put a limit on the love, like I had to divide.

I decided to love them dearly, deeply and deliberately. To act it out and say it loud.

And what is love?

Love is being patient and kind even when the crank from sleep deprivation wants to take the day. Love is not being jealous, proud, rude or boastful. It does not demand it’s own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. Love is keeping my word. Singing one more song, building legos, not being easily angered. Love is not rejoicing about injustice but rejoicing whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love is showing up, doing the sacrificial thing, laying down my life. (Some parts of this are from 1 Cor 13:4-8)

Love is what Christ what would do. He lay down His life for me and paid the price for my sin. He loves me everyday and nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39) I have seen my husband model love to me and the girls, love makes all of the difference.

Love is teaching them about God, sharing the gospel with them and leading by example. Love is discipling them.

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Here I am, repurposing daily to love these girls,deeply and deliberately. To drink deeply from the well of love and fill my cup. I can’t give what I don’t have. My glorious redeemer set the perfect example for me. He gave His life for me. Now I give my love to the K girls.

Blessings,

Bibi2be