Hello Fear! Goodbye Fear!!

I’m so fed up of being afraid!

I’m yet to see good fruit that fear has borne.

April 2011 is when I started listening to this song on repeat.

A few days after my dad passed away I was gripped by fear. I was afraid of the dark, because every time I lay my head down I saw his corpse. I was afraid of dreaming, because I didn’t know how my dreams would be without him. I was afraid of the grande and mundane. So when Kirk wrote this song, it was for people like me. Those who are prisoners, trapped and disabled by fear. Alive but afraid.

Fear has become a norm in society. Even the ‘safe’ cartoons have episodes where they teach children to be afraid. Last week, hubby had to put off the t.v because every episode was an ‘introduction to fear’ class. Fear has become normal, many social platforms that I read from have normalized fear, honestly, after reading some comments, it’s possible to question if you really want to walk into a certain season. For example childbirth and raising children: subconsciously I found I’m afraid of labour, delivery, colic, tantrums. The truth is I’m afraid even though I have not experienced these things; when the time comes for me to go through them, my experience will be void of the joy and wonder.

It’s good to be informed but not bombarded with fear.

We are a society devoid of truth. We’ve accepted the fear and lies as our truth. So we have many people walking bent in to two because they are carrying burdens and expectations that are:

a) not real

b) not theirs to carry

They are paralyzed by fear.

Fear and anxiety have been cruising through my heart for weeks, today, I woke up tired. It’s been coming for the last couple of days, but today! Nah, today was IT. So earlier this morning, I sat down and wrote a list of the things that make me anxious and afraid. And I prayed over the list. Asking God to show me His truth and give me His peace that it may guard my heart and mind in Him.


I want truth. Truth above all else! I want to experience His fullness and grace. I want to enjoy the rest in good pastures (Psalm 23) and enjoy the pleasant land and wonderful inheritance that He has given me (Psalm 16).

For today and the days to come, I refuse to be a slave anymore, to carry burdens that aren’t mine to carry. I choose freedom. I choose truth. Truth above all else.




I Loved. I Prayed. I Lost. But Still I Hope.

I loved.

I prayed.

I lost

But stiIl, I hope and trust.

Depression is real. It’s not a figment of one’s imagination or an extended monday blue session. It’s real, alive and it consumes one on the inside.

Having had a front row seat to witness the effects and realities of depression, I know how real, dark and hopeless it can be.


You see, as a child, I had no idea what was going on with my dad but I knew something was off. This invisible, anonymous thing was robbing my family and I of joy. And so I prayed for him for 14 years. In the beginning I was naive. As I grew up, I understood more and the more I understood the less I really did. I quickly realized that I couldn’t rationalize depression. That it was dark, cold and lonely.

It was beyond my control.

So I had to let it be. Though for years I felt like I should have done more.

Been more.

Prayed more.

I prayed, ever so fervently yet I still lost him. Since then, I have lost other people to depression and I have had even more questions. I’d love to say that death has lost its sting, but sometimes the reality of death stings my heart, especially when it seems so premature.

What my little heart struggles with most now, is seeing other people walk down this road and knowing that God doesn’t always answer prayers as we’d desire. It was initially difficult to be honest with myself and say that I was disappointed, that my prayer wasn’t answered as I’d hoped. And a part of me was almost scared to pray for this again, to walk this road again. Because I know how it can end. A part of me has been afraid to pray as fervently, to believe against all odds, that one can conquer it. But quite recently I was reminded that God is faithful and able regardless of my story. His strength and grace are not determined by what happened, He is God and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I do pray that I will always remember that prayer changes things and I will always keep hope alive even in the darkest of days.


If you have someone close to you struggling with depression, keep praying, keep believing and keep trusting. We don’t know how tomorrow will be, if they will beat this thing or not, but we do know that we have today, to love and live as best as we can. I pray that you both will experience the hand and heart of God.

If you are struggling with depression and feel as thought you are drowning in a sea of darkness and hopelessness, I earnestly pray that the Lord who calmed the storm in Luke 8 will be close to you. That He, in His own time, will calm the storm and lead you out, where feet may fail. That He will help you to walk upon the waters, those very waters that have threatened to swallow you alive.

To those struggling and those loving the ones who are, lots of love, grace and peace to you❤




Are You Opening Doors You Shouldn’t Be?

Baby videos make for some good comedy. It’s hard to go through a whole compilation video without a fit of the giggles.

Babies! God bless them. The ones I found particularly fascinating were how they climbed out of their cribs like pros.


courtesy of youtube

This is one of the reasons we upgraded Ksena’s bed to something bigger, so that she’d have enough space to sleep and play when she wakes up;  thus reducing the temptation to test her agility.

Last week, I woke up early and decided to make pancakes. Crepes to be specific. They take way too long to cook. They are a labour of love. As I cooked, I heard some sounds coming  from the monitor and I immediately knew that miss K was up and ready to go. In fact, she was so ready she was trying to let herself out of bed without asking for help.

I heard her play with the latch, and wanted to finish cooking the pancake on the pan then I could wash my hands and pick her. Picking her up allows me to ask her how her night was and it gives us an opportunity to pray for the day. If I allowed her to walk out on her own, she’d probably find things to do before she reached the door.

When I got to the door, she heard my footsteps and run back to where her pillow was and smiled with her eyes closed. She knew that she was pushing the boundary. Instead of taking matters in to her own hands she should have called out and I’d have been there to pick her. We’ve never failed to pick her, so she has no reason to believe that we wont. Though, she is also growing and wanting to do more things for herself. We bless God for the milestones, and pray that she’ll know where to draw the line.

As I thought of what to tell her, I realized that many times I act in the same way. I start opening latches to exit the place that the Lord has placed me for my own good. Yet, I have ample space to do and be all that He desires me to do and be.

As I’m writing this, I’ve heard her shout out, ‘I need help! Please help!’. Oh, that I too may know when and whom to ask for help. And I may trust God’s timing and plan because it is perfect.

Have you been opening doors that you shouldn’t be?


Call out to the Lord for help, even when you think that you’ve got it all figured out. He is faithful and He has good plans for us.

God bless you.

Have a lovely week ahead.




They Call Me Pretty Lady

Third person.

Ksena talks in third person a lot now.

She is able to piece parts of conversations together. A few days ago, hubs was telling me about chicken that died. Ksena knows the friend and the said chicken. After we finished talking, she stopped playing and asked ‘what is died?’. Let’s just say I had not seen that coming. I’ll write how that conversation went in another post.

A week ago, we went out and we took a selfie. When I showed her the picture, she said ” mummy and pretty lady”. I smiled😉 we’ve called her pretty lady since she was several weeks old. It’s a name that has stuck through the different seasons.

She knows her name is Ksena. But when she looked at the picture she saw Pretty lady.

We do have other names that complement more than her physical attributes🙂. This is one of the reminders that she is always listening, internalizing what we say. The way we raise her shapes how she sees herself and the world around her.

She knows that she is royalty, a daughter of the King of Kings.


Oh that we will always remind her who she is and the greatness that is within her.

When I looked at the picture, I saw a mother and her daughter. A woman in between two worlds.

I pray that I will always see myself as God sees me. That every time I look at my reflection or image I will hear His truth echo in my heart. Daughter of the most High. Precious. His beloved…I could go on and on.

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you call yourself what God calls you or do the labels you have gotten over the years take the day?

For those with children, what do you call them over and above their names?

This week put a picture of yourself somewhere you can see it often, every time you see it, call yourself what God calls you. Then watch this truth transform your heart; the way that you think.


Have a lovely week.



Broken Telephone: Shattered Screens and Realized Dreams

Tuesday 27th September 2016

The following events take place between 3:26am and 6:26am


I wake up to check the monitor and realize that I need to adjust something in Miss K’s room. As I get up, I notice that my phone is low on charge, and decide to charge it on the other side of the room. As I bend and look for the cable, the phone falls, lands on the floor screen first and the screen shatters.

I say to myself, “What a start to a day!” Wait? Does 3:27am even count as a start to my day? It’s more like an intermission. I was planning on running back to bed and sleeping. I start to wonder if I really needed to charge my phone at that time. Thoughts of regret course through my mind. I’ve been here before, not so long ago actually. It was such a long process to get a new screen the last time, due to unavailability of screens in Mombasa. In Nairobi, it was only one guy who had it. I found him after weeks of searching. Sigh.


I have thought about it long enough and the conclusion is the same; what’s done is done. So I pick up my bible and prayer books and head to the sitting room. After all, hubby usually says that if you wake up at 3am, it’s time to pray.


It is such an inconvenient time for my phone to break. Yes, I’m still on this vibe, now I’ve just decided to tell God how disappointed I am. But there is only so much crying over spilt milk one can do, so I let that be and start to read God’s word. I start with 2nd Thessalonians and finish with 1st Thessalonians. In the process, my heart is left encouraged. Nowhere does it mention broken screens🙂 but I know that there is more to life than the comfort of intact screens.


I might as well write now that I am fully awake. I have been meaning to put together a work book that will help me teach Ksena shapes, letters, numbers, sizes, and God’s truth as we craft and sing. So I start writing, rather, I start drawing and it begins to flow.

By now, I am no longer sleepy. Though I know this sleep will catch up with me later in the day. At least I will have something to show for it.

I pour myself a cup of tea and continue writing. The satisfaction and joy builds in my heart with every sip I take and every letter I type.


The book is almost done and I realize WOW!!! I love to teach this little girl and I would love to teach other children God’s truth. My desire to have a bible study here in Mombasa has not quite taken off, but this book can help other mums teach their children and have fun while at it.


I should try get an hour of sleep, but first, I decide to write this blog post to be published later.

My heart is full. This workbook is one of my writing and teaching dreams on paper. It will help me to be intentional about teaching Ksena. Also, I love the fact that it integrates God’s truth with the basic things of life. It’s simple and fun. It’s intentional. This book has four lessons, you can spread each lesson over a week, so it should last you a month. Book 2 is already running through my mind.

I want to upload it on this blog so that people can download it. I am not quite sure how to do that just yet, but I am sure I will find a way. If you’d like to help out in this little project, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com .

If you would like to receive this book via email when I’m done with it this week, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and I will send you a copy.

Would I have woken up to write without my screen breaking? Let’s just say that sometimes God gets our attention loud and clear. I’ve been playing broken telephone for a long time, regarding this and other projects. Looks like this time the phone actually broke.

Here’s to keeping screens intact longer, heeding the Lord’s call and executing the dream.


I finally sprint to bed for that extra hour of sleep. A bitter sweet start to the day, but I’m definitely dwelling on the sweet part.

Have a blessed day,




Motherhood: Sleep Deprivation, Lovies and Shepherds

Before I had a baby, I was convinced that I couldn’t survive with less than 6 hours of continuous sleep. All of my friends knew that I was the first one to fall asleep at sleepovers. It was my thing. Even now, when I do stay up they can’t hide their shock as they wonder how I am still up past 10pm. Motherhood changes people. It changed me.

The first couple of weeks of being a mum I was sure I was dying slowly. The sleep deprivation shook me at the core. I was so exhausted and I struggled to see past the first few days. It seemed obvious to me that I wouldn’t make it, but almost 2 years down the line, I’m happy to report that my heart is still beating, I am breathing and sleeping through the night. I really feel like there should be some ululations after ‘and sleeping through the night’.


Ksena slept well after the longest weeks of colic up until she hit the fourth month sleep regression. After that, it was pure chaos. I didn’t think it would ever end. She went from sleeping through the night to waking up every two hours. Sleep training was not working and my grace was decreasing. It was tough. By the time she was one year she still wasn’t sleeping through the night. Conversations with fellow mums were even more discouraging.

But God!!!

He came through. He answered our prayers and blew us all away. Once we stopped breastfeeding she started sleeping through the night. My body was in shock. It had forgotten how sleeping all night felt or worked.

After a few days of sleeping through the night, I was literally walking on sunshine. I was a new person. Praise be to God.

Motherhood changes you. A few days ago as I spoke to my sister, she interjected that ‘there is nothing that doesn’t change’. In my mother tongue, there is a finality around that statement. Things that we believed would never change, end up changing. As we spoke, I agreed with her, and the conversation remained in my memory until last night.

A few months ago, a dear friend gave Ksena a lovie. Everyone, meet Mary Lamb. Yes, her name is a shortened version of the song ‘Mary had a little lamb’.img_20160923_095937

Yesterday as I prepared Ksena’s bottle. She walked around with Mary Lamb. She held her in a very affectionate manner and at that time no one could take Mary Lamb away from her.

It hit me that there is something about a sheep and her shepherd. The shepherd knows the true value of the sheep and looks at her lovingly. Watching them together reminded me that Jesus loves His sheep(me, us) so much.

And this is the one thing that doesn’t change. God’s love.

Romans 5:8 New Living Translation (NLT)But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

Mary Lamb is a beautiful white as long as she doesn’t leave the bed. When she does, we start planning for her to be washed early so she dries in good time. We, God’s children, are just like Mary Lamb, if we stay in the confines of God’s plan we remain clean(er). Even on our best days, we are still sinners. His blood that was shed at calvary is what makes as white as snow.

  1. What can wash away my sin?
    Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
    What can make me whole again?
    Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

    • Refrain:
      Oh! precious is the flow
      That makes me white as snow;
      No other fount I know,
      Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

You can find the rest of the lyrics here.

There is something about a lamb and her shepherd.




Echoes, Colors and Freedom

It’s quite fascinating to watch toddlers grow. Their curiosity and eagerness to learn is beautiful to watch. They question and seek to understand the grande and mundane. Everything is fascinating, the grandeur of an old tree and the way crabs walk in the sand. I am enjoying this stage of questions, because it also forces me to think about why I believe what I believe about certain things. As I teach and answer, I try not to pass on any biases I may have picked up along the way, as they are not the truth.


Miss K’s fascination for the last couple of months has been echoes. She can now recognize acoustics, and every time we enter a room or stairwell that reflects sound, she shouts “ECHO!” and waits to hear “echo echo echo” fade in the background. It’s a cheap thrill, the look of glee tells you that happiness is an inside job.

I’ve had a series of difficult days of the past couple of weeks, where I’ve felt like I was drowning or in an empty room. In the height of those days, I’d find her shouting ‘ECHO!’ in my bathroom and wonder why? Why echoes make her so happy. The truth is that echoes didn’t fascinate me as much as they do Ksena until the day I had a little revelation.

In audio signal processing and acoustics, echo is a reflection of sound that arrives at the listener with a delay after the direct sound. The delay is proportional to the distance of the reflecting surface from the source and the listener. Typical examples are the echo produced by the bottom of a well, by a building, or by the walls of an enclosed room and an empty room. A true echo is a single reflection of the sound source. This is the definition from  Wikipedia.

The distance to the source matters. Even in the dark and empty spaces, it is important for God to remain my source. It’s crucial that I remain close to Him, so that His word and truth may echo in my heart and mind.

From that day, I begun to pray that as I draw close to God, His truth and love will echo in every empty place I find myself in. That it will bounce off every wall of my being.

I have seen God bring color into the room, He has brought color into my life, wiped away the dullness and darkness. As His truth has reflected off surfaces, it has made a home in my heart. This song has blessed me in this season.

If you are in a dark space or you feel like you are drowning in a well, I pray that the Lord’s truth and promises will echo endlessly until your heart, mind and your whole being believes Him. I pray that God will walk into the room and bring new color into your life and wipe away the dullness.


May His truth set you free. Free to rise up above everything that has held you down and free to be all that He created you to be.




The Rotten Avocado

Growing up, we had a huge Avocado tree in our backyard. There wasn’t much to say about it when the fruits were not in season, I mean there were no flowers. It was just a big green tree. When Avocados were in season, it was a different story.

That’s when I found out that an Avocado can be a meal on it’s own with salt (more like snack), an accompaniment, a spread and a dip. Basically, Avocado could be whatever you liked. We were always reminded that it had a good type of fat. Naturally, at the beginning of the season they all tasted lovely, the tail end of the season was full of mixed feelings. Some were good, some were not.

Avocado slices


This year, I have enjoyed Avocado season. Yesterday morning, I had set my eyes on Avocado in the house, only to come and find it was gone. There are no dibs on Avo in our home🙂 . I quickly sent for another one and was happy to find one that was ripe enough to eat yesterday. My Avocado buying experience has taught me that if the shop keeper says it’s for the day, it’s for tomorrow. If they sell you an Avocado that is for the said day, all it will be good for is a smoothie or deep conditioning treatment. Leave it in the heat for a couple of hours, and it’s uses change dramatically.

So cue music, I was all happy and ready to make my salad with Avo, when I cut into it and it was rotten. *Dramatic pause* I was so disappointed.  None of it could be salvaged, there was more black than green. More sadness than glee. I contemplated it’s other uses, but quickly came to terms with the fact that this one would have to see the bin.


Now a little history about yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. One of those days where I cried before 10am. I was glass eyed for the better part of the day. And then, I spilled a packet of milk. It was an accident that made me more frustrated, then I found myself saying it is useless to cry over spilt milk. But all I wanted is to have my breakfast in peace. By the time I was done cleaning, my tea was warm. I like my tea hot. Clearly I woke up on the weepy side of bed, and all that I wanted was a good cry and then everything would be okay. I don’t underestimate the power of tears. They bring relief. Well unless, you have a toddler whose crying over every little thing, then, tears bring frustration. It builds slowly.

In the midst of it all, I was making tentative conclusive statements about life. Yup, one bad day, was suddenly shedding light on all my days. As I wrapped the Avocado in paper, I realized that I didn’t hate Avocados just because of that one rotten one. And I wasn’t going to not look for one tomorrow (today) because this one was rotten. Once I wrapped it up in the bag, and discarded it, it was over.

And that’s exactly how I ought to look at life. Some days are harder than others, but I shouldn’t let the hard days define the other days. I’ll save the moments of deep thought and conclusive statements for the days that I laugh till my ribs ache.

Here’s to Avocados, the tasty and the rotten; here’s to living and somehow praising through the good days and bad while trusting God’s promises.


The rotten Avocado should not be the brand ambassador for Avocados. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.





Pep Talk Time: Accept The Season And Enjoy The Season

In a few months, it will be 4 years since we relocated to Mombasa. A long-short time. I’ve gotten to love it and I am almost used to the heat; though don’t ask me about the heat in January, February or March. I’ll be too parched to talk about it. The sun and humidity know how to tango during these months, and they put on quite a show that leaves you drenched in sweat. Don’t judge the momentum of the people who live at the Coast too harshly. The heat has a way of reducing your speed and bringing along lethargy.

You’d think that after all this time, I’d be fully settled and used to culture. Time after time, I find myself comparing it to Nairobi, because it is what I am used to. In some aspects, I have a lens that inhibits me from fully enjoying the season as it is. To be honest, I miss the variety that Nairobi offers. The restaurants, the malls, the hospitals and schools.  I miss my friends and family, though I’m slowly navigating my way around this; and thanking God for social media and my annual trips.

With the big picture in mind, I wouldn’t go back, or at least not just yet. I know that for this season in life, I am where I need to be. And that’s exactly it. Life is about seasons. It is important to recognize the season, and live in it.

I’ve been faced with decisions of late and I’ve missed having more options. Though, my security or wisdom do not come from my careful considerations of the options. After all, a man’s heart plans his way, but it is the Lord who directs His steps (Proverbs 16:9).

Another verse that I fully relate with in this time is:


The King James Version says that the counsel of the LORD shall stand.

There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

In the midst of options and situations where the options are fewer, it is the Lord’s counsel that matters. I feel I need to say that again. It is the Lord’s counsel that matters.

So, I am placing my ‘Nairobi lens’ aside and any other lens that has hindered me from enjoying the season. I am taking on the Lord’s counsel and enjoying the season. No more ‘one foot in, one foot out’. I’m all in, and I am going to enjoy the season as the Lord has ordered my steps and continues to order my steps. For the glory of His name.

Has your ‘ideal’ lens been keeping you from enjoying your current season in life? Do you miss having options to consider and feel as though you are in complete control of your life? Spend time with the Lord and listen out for His counsel that it may stand.





Of Stuffy Noses and Praise

I seldom think about breathing, that is until I get a flu/cold. Then, I think about it all the time, if my nose is stuffy, I have to breathe through my mouth and swallow air while at it. If it’s runny, I just want to turn off the tap within and inhale and exhale in peace, without pieces of tissue next to me.

A stuffy or runny nose can humble you; breathing and talking become a little difficult. Now when your child catches the flu and scares themselves with their snores as they sleep, you stop and thank God for your flu-less days. That was me last night. Thanking God for all the days we breathe normally and asking that the Lord would heal the little one and give her peace as she sleeps.

This morning, I read Psalm 150 and I was reminded to praise God at all times. Because He is good. His goodness is not defined or measured by my circumstances.

(Psalm 150:1-6 NLT)

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
    praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
    praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
    praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
    praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

One of my favorite songs in this season is “Let Praises Rise” by ORU Worship. I particularly like this cover by Trey McLaughlin. Be sure to listen out for the guitar after 03:30🙂

The lyrics are my prayer this week. I pray that in all that I do and all that I am that God will be glorified. That praises will rise from the inside everyday that I have breath within me.

Are you feeling a little discouraged? Have the storms of life left you in a dark valley? Play some worship music and sing along. Allow the Spirit of the Lord to minister to you and encourage you. Praise the Lord for He is good, in all circumstances. Praise Him for He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. He is God.





Elephant <3

I opened my hand bag the other day and smiled. I found one of Ksena’s stuffed animals, Elephant.

Elephant is one of the latest entrants into her collection. This one has a special place in my heart. A few days ago, as she sat in her car seat, she had a really sweet conversation with him.

“Elephant, come! Let’s pray. Close your eyes, and put your hands together.”

Then they begun to say the Lord’s prayer

“Our Father who art in heaven….”

After that, she prayed for the imaginary food that they would eat.

“Thank you Jesus, for the food…”

I looked at her through the rear view mirror and smiled.

My heart swelled with joy. It affirmed that she is learning more about God every day . Also, I was blown away by her desire to teach the stuffed animal what she knows about Jesus. Oh how I pray that this desire will continue for many years to come, that she will share the gospel with many, first in her sphere of influence and then with those beyond.

This reminded me of the great commission:great-commission

Do you know someone who could use a prayer? If you are in the same town, stop by and stand with them in prayer.

Do you know someone who needs to hear the gospel? Meet them and tell them about Jesus.

As I type this, Ksena is pushing Elephant around on her tricycle.

Have a blessed weekend.




The Bubbles Of Life

“MAMA, blow bubbles”


I hear these two sentences in that order, every other day. Ksena loves bubbles. And playing. And bubbles. Blowing them, bursting them, seeing them.


She spots opportunities all around her to have fun. The most mundane thing can be a toy. Discovery through play is her forte. She knows how to live in the moment. 

She remembers things she did and saw over 5 months ago. If it made her happy, she will tell you about it for days on end. It is so precious how she remembers the little details that are often forgotten.

The other day, I realized that she doesn’t repeat things that made her sad. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t get sad or hurt. Once the grievance is sorted out, it is forgotten. At a tender age she has understood forgive and forget. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

love keeps no record of wrongs

I was so challenged. Questions flew through my mind: do I forgive easily? Do I forgive but hold a grudge? Do I carry a record of wrongs in my heart? Do these things stop me from enjoying the bubbles of life?

I know that she is still young, but the joy in her heart is breathtaking. I can only pray that she will always choose to travel light; that she will forgive easily, keep no record of wrongs and enjoy the simple pleasures in life; bubbles.

Oh my heart, I pray that you will learn from this little one.  Forgive easily, keep no record of wrongs, and enjoy the bubbles of life.

Does your mind re-play happy memories? Are the situations where you’ve been wronged on loop in your mind? Do you struggle to enjoy the bubbles in life?


Oh I pray that you too will experience the freedom that comes from traveling light and enjoying the bubbles of life.

Have a blessed week.


I’d Like A Double Portion Of Grace, Please.

Psalm 121:1 has become one of favourite verses since I became a mum. Sometimes, the farthest I look up to is the ceiling fan as I wonder where my instantaneous, sanity saving, tongue-holding help is coming from. Then I remember from the Lord who made heaven and earth. And proceed to call on heaven, FAST.


That’s the life of this mother. So many times my natural allocations of tolerance and grace run very low.

But God!

I’ve seen Him recharge and refresh me day after day. I’m not super woman, in fact sometimes all I am is super stretched. BUT, by His grace and power, I have supernatural strength and grace to face today.


My prayer for today and all subsequent days, is that heaven would grant me a double portion of grace to keep me going.

The LORD bless you, and keep you. The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you.(Numbers 6:24-25 NKJV)

Have a grace filled day.


Where Worries Fade Away

One of the things that I love about living in a Coastal town is the proximity to the ocean. The irony is, I don’t go there as often as I thought I would. Because it’s hot and a permanent tan or is it ‘sun burn’ map is not on my bucket list. But when I do go, it is nothing short of magical. The serenity is worth braving the heat.

I’ve learned to time the sun. You will not find me at the beach when the sun is overhead, oh no. Now I wait for it to go down a little then go enjoy the sand in my toes, breeze in my nose (no really, sometimes I leave with the sniffles) and the view of the ocean as it ebbs and flows.


Ksena loves the ocean. It is her happy place. Every so often she wakes up and asks to go to the beach. A few weekends ago, was one of those days. When the sun begun its descent into the horizon, we went to enjoy the sunset at the beach.


We found this little spot with a breathtakingly beautiful stairwell, I’ll take a picture next time. It has flowers on the sides and is a perfect prelude to spending time with the King.


When we got to the ocean, I couldn’t help but just stand in awe of God. A few minutes in, I found myself singing, ‘You are God alone’ by William McDowell. Here are the Lyrics.

Really, creation testifies of His majesty. As I stood there, every large and little worry faded and it was ALL about God. I understood the saying:


He is God!!

Tell your problems, worries and every thing that weighs you down that He is God.

I’ll definitely be going back soon.

Have a lovely week ahead.



Hearts Like Playdough <3

Toddlers come with activity, curiosity and a tinge of cheekiness. They fill you heart and your day. They can mush you to bits and in the same breath have you calling on heaven for a double portion of grace.

They Live. Love. Laugh.


I’ve been researching on toddler schedules to help us manage our time better and make the most of each day.

One of the activities currently on repeat in our home is molding with playdough. I used to make playdough, but it’d change consistency after some time.  Then hubby found a gluten free alternative and I was super excited to start molding.


Initially when we got it out of the packet, the playdough was hard; but as we molded and manipulated it, it got softer, more malleable.

When God starts working on your heart it’s a bit rigid. As you let Him work on you day by day, it gets softer. It feels the things He feels and is moved by what moves His heart.

When you stick two colours together, a little of each remains on the other. The same is true about our interactions in life. When you interact with someone, they leave an impact on your life. What you expose yourself to leaves a little footprint on your heart.

This is why it’s important to guard your heart.


The beauty about crafting with playdough is that it is so versatile. The same piece can make hundreds of shapes and objects.

Our hearts were made to be soft, malleable, above all else, our hearts were made to feel. Life has a way of hardening us, but God still desires for our hearts to be soft and malleable; just like playdough.




This Heart Is Overwhelmed

It’s okay!

It is okay to be overwhelmed.

A strong person is not the one who doesn’t cry. A strong person is one who cries or sheds tears for a moment then gets up and fights again. (~borrowed)

Sometimes you feel like it’s all too much and you want to press the pause button life so that you can recharge, refresh and restrategize.

gentle with self

I’ve struggled with guilt over being overwhelmed, as if feeling overwhelmed is not enough. Trying to rationalize why I should be okay (not just the ‘okay’ you say when you are trying to get someone off your back, but really okay, fine). I’ve realized that everyone has their own journey. As unique as our journeys are so are our experiences, limits and coping mechanisms. Everyone should have the chance to independently experience what rages within them, be it passion or pain, without being subjected/or subjecting themselves to an imaginary yard stick.

Inhale. Feel. Exhale

Both the old and young feel overwhelmed at one time or another.

Isaiah 40:30 New Living Translation (NLT)

30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.

It’s okay to admit that the current circumstances are a bit heavier and darker than what you expected. It’s okay to allow yourself to feel. To feel the pain, hurt, disappointment, anger, sadness, confusion, exhaustion and despair. It’s okay to feel the roller coaster of emotions.

What’s not okay is to be consumed by these feelings.

Thankfully, there is a way out.

The Rock that is higher than me


For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been singing this song on repeat. Ksena even knows that we sing it both in Swahili and English. Now, I see that it has been a declaration asking the Lord to hide me under the rock.

This heart is overwhelmed, but not for too long. My tears, liquid prayers, have been collected in jars and have been recorded in His book. (Psalm 56:8)

It gets better. It is better.

Keep the hope alive


My strength is being renewed for I have put my hope in the Lord. He will carry me to greater heights, give me grace, strength, peace for the rest of the journey.

If your heart is overwhelmed, allow yourself to feel the emotions as you go to the rock that is higher than you. Put your hope in Him and let Him strengthen you and propel you to greater heights.

Here’s to soaring on wings like eagles, running and not growing weary and walking and not being faint.

Have a lovely week.




Celebrating 200 Posts!!

I wrote my 200th post yesterday *happy dance*

I don’t think it hit me how big it was, but as I settled in to bed last night I realized it’s 200 POSTS!!!


When I started Bibi2be, I didn’t have it all figured out but I knew I needed to start writing, so I did. It was my step of faith into the unknown, where feet may fail. Through the years, I have seen God carry me.

It’s not merely about the 200 posts but the revelation, inspiration, emotion and prayer that has gone into each and every one of them. The journey has not been easy, I have questioned God, wrestled Him even. Thrown in the towel a few times, then picked it up a couple of days later; thrown toddler like tantrums and learned to obey. I feel like I should say ‘learned to obey’ one more time just for emphasis.

I have grappled with sadness, depression and experienced such joy!! I have learned to love and be loved. What to hold on to and when to let go. I have grown in God and my love and desire for Him has increased.

My love for writing has come alive. I didn’t think I could write a book, but this process has shown me that I can write as many as the Lord leads me to write.

I’m still learning to live and be all that He created me to be.


These 200 posts are my testimony that God is God alone. He is constant. He is faithful. He is God.

This blog has given me an audience beyond Kenya’s borders. I’m humbled. All this is for His glory.

The plans I may have had have wilted in light of God’s plan for Bibi2be. And it is okay.

I remain convinced that He is still coming for His bride. Oh that we may be found ready, with oil in our lamps.

I don’t know what the future holds and quite frankly I stopped worrying about it because each day has enough worries of it’s own. However, I am convinced that this is just the beginning.

This is to greater heights through and in Him. My desire is that it’ll be said of me , ‘God is the wind beneath her wings’.

I pray that as you continue to seek God you will find Him. May He give you a hunger for Him that cannot be sated by anything else. May His peace, His perfect peace, guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.


Take the leap. Heed the call. Walk upon those waters.

I’m off to celebrate the Lord’s goodness, grace and mercy over my life. This is one for the books.





Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus

One of my favourite times of my day is when I get to teach Ksena about Jesus. I’m constantly blown away by how God reveals Himself to her and that she remembers the songs, lessons and bible stories. I am just a vessel, my work is to plant seeds that God will water. He is the gardener.

We went to church recently and I felt so lost!! Stuck in between the big church where only mamas with infants can go unless the babies start crying and the children’s church where Ksena’s age group is not catered for.

the little children

I left church so burdened, wondering what to do. Thinking deeply about how other mums like me felt, those who have opted to stay home rather than run after a toddler who doesn’t quite fit in for one and a half hours. On my way home, I was challenged by the Holy Spirit, to do something about this burden I feel and start where I’m at.I tend to over think things like this and wait for the ‘perfect time’ when I feel it’s ‘convenient’ for me but I’ve been trying to obey the Lord more aptly, when He speaks. I say this even as this post has been seated in my dashboard for several days.

I read this article and it hit very close to home. The work has been cut out for us; for me. The harvest is plenty.


Here is an open invitation to a mum with a 1 year to 3 year old tot living in Mombasa, who would like to bond over a midweek cup of tea that we might not finish, as we teach our babies the word of God. Don’t worry about the content, we’ve got you🙂.

I am super excited to see what God does with this bible study. Where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there in their midst.

If you’d like to get in touch with me, or know a mama who would be interested, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com

Have a blessed week (:





Learning To Be Content

For a long time, I wrongly believed that contentment was something that came a ‘certain’ territory or season. So I lived in the future. I was too engrossed in what should and could happen to enjoy what was actually happening. When some of my ‘dreams’ came to pass, I realized that I would be content for a short time, then the wave of discontentment would hit and I would be back to dreaming.


It was a sad time. I was looking for contentment in the wrong place, where times change and people and opportunities come and go.

What I have realized since then is that, contentment is a learned behavior. It is not automatic. It takes a constant renewal of the mind and daily acknowledgement of the fact that it is God who assigns you your portion and your cup and regardless of the situation, your boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places [Psalm 16]. There is more to the  portion and the cup than material possessions.

Contentment does not come with a certain territory or season. It is something, a way of thinking and living, that you choose to carry with you in every season.

So here I am, constantly choosing to be content. It’s not about entitlement or comparison, it’s about my journey. I’m taking each day at a time because even two are too many. I am living in the present, thanking God for His faithfulness and letting Him carry me through every season. Daily I am choosing to believe that He holds my world in His hands, that His plans are best, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, that He is working all things out for my good and that He is CONSTANT.

PHILL 4-11

Have you been thinking that a certain person, institution or situation can truly satisfy you? Do you find yourself constantly thinking that the future will truly satisfy you?

Put your hope in God. Allow Him to satisfy you. Look at life through His lens and allow Him to guide you.


Doing the above does not exempt you from hard times, but at least, you are assured that He is with you in all things and He is for You. The darkness will not consume you, hard times will come to an end. You will rise. Even in the valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no evil for He is right there by your side. His rod and His staff will protect and comfort you; and surely goodness and mercy will follow you all of the days of your life {Psalm 23}.







Another Chance To Get It Right

I didn’t know the power of coffee until I became a mother of an energetic toddler. The term ‘morning person’ was redefined; I always imagined that I was a morning person, but my energy levels paled in comparison to Ksena’s. She wakes up ready to take on the world. Her booting phase takes all of ten minutes max and then the stories begin. Some days she would wake up as the sun peeked out of the clouds and I was still asleep in my head. My train of thought was not yet up and running.

courtesy of commons.wikemedia.org

courtesy of commons.wikemedia.org

Coffee became my crutch. Only after I could see the bottom of my cup of coffee, could I fully function. Coffee helped me truly wake up and be normal; it kicked miss cranky pants out. Anytime before coffee o’clock I was somewhat sleep walking as I tried to keep up with conversation and hurriedly make breakfast. It got to a place that I had to stop drinking the coffee, well, I realized that it wasn’t really helping my estrogen levels and also I had an unhealthy relationship with it.

So I stopped drinking coffee. The first couple of days were a blur. I’d properly wake up four hours into the day, and my energy levels were suffering. I had to find a substitute. I started having Apple Cider Vinegar in water in the morning which really helped with my energy levels, but before that, I started praying and asking God to help me. To carry me and strengthen me.

I won’t lie, sometimes I still crave a cup of coffee but I have learned that it cannot be my lifeline or shortcut. Only Jesus can energize me and give me mental clarity that lasts the whole day.

So I say, in the morning when I rise, give me Jesus and all day too.

give me Jesus

Some nights I go to bed, beating myself up, because sheer exhaustion is not the best lens to examine yourself by. A few days ago, as I reflected on the day that was, I realized I hadn’t gotten a chance to do everything that I would have liked, to give as many cuddles as I’d have liked [also, because cuddling an extremely active toddler can be a wee bit difficult ] and it made me sad. I have an idea of what being a ‘perfect mum’ looks like but there are so many days that I fall short.

As I settled into bed, this quote caught my eye:

‘Being a perfect parent doesn’t matter. Being a praying parent does.’ Stormie Omartian

Sometimes I am so stuck on perfection that I forget to pray more. Yet prayer is what matters.

This morning, I am thankful for another chance to get it right. A chance to love God above all else, love my family, live in purpose and pray more.

Have a wonderful day.




Keep At It

Every time I look at my photos from the past, I’m left so blown away by God’s goodness and the growth that has happened right beneath my nose. Now I see why albums are such precious memoirs, each picture tells a tale of His faithfulness.

Being a stay at home mum, means I’m with Ksena most of the time. In between diaper changes, meal times and the activities we do, sometimes I fail to see the growth taking place. It’s only when people see her and exclaim how big she’s gotten that it hits me, perhaps she was growing all along. When she tells me a story or starts singing out of the blue, I realize that she’s been learning all along.

Yesterday she told me the stories that we’ve been reading in her bible, and I was humbled. Reminded to keep at it even when I can’t see the results happening.  Sometimes she decides she wants another story, in the middle of the one we are reading, but it is not in vain.

This made me think about my walk with God, sometimes I struggle with my readings, stop reading a book midway, but I’ve purposed to keep at it. Though I may not see the transformation as it happens, a few days later, I realize my perspective has changed. His word has transformed the way I think.

I want to encourage you to just keep at it. Keep doing what God has called you to do, even when it seems like you are barely moving.


Keep pursuing God; your time with Him never leaves you the same. When you look back, you will see how He has transformed you.

May you have a blessed week ahead.


oh what needless pain we bear

The Needless Pain We Bear

I woke up with a headache this morning, the kind that left me grumpy so early in the day. Not my ideal way to start my day. I was longing for night time before the clock had struck 8am.

As I begun to think. I realized that something was bothering me. I slept thinking about it last night and didn’t take it to God in prayer. Thinking about it and dwelling on how to find a solution had not borne any fruit other than a headache and frumpy mood. I decided to pray and and take it all to God, stressing and analyzing the situation was not working. As I prayed the headache begun to lift. I realized that rather than it being sickness, it was a physical manifestation of a burden that I was carrying.

Oh what needless pain I was bearing. The heaviness of my heart was affecting my body and causing me pain. I was not at peace.

proverbs 17;22

The lyrics of ‘ What a friend we have in Jesus’ played so clearly in my head:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

The state of my heart can affect the state of my body in terms of my health. Guarding my heart from burdens it doesn’t need to carry, is an important part of guarding my health and acting in my best interest. There are so many times that I have wanted to treat the symptoms rather than the real cause of the pain. Because, sometimes it seems easier to swallow a pill than have an honest talk deep within and take the matter to God. Many times I don’t want to slow down and reflect on what is really happening. What I don’t realize is that by moving quickly in avoidance I am actually slowing myself down in the long run. The irony.


Have you been experiencing pain that you can’t quite explain? Does the burden in your heart make the whole of your body hurt? Does your heart weigh a tonne? Are you harboring feelings of anger and bitterness ?

Run to God, tell Him what it is you are going through and leave the matter in His able hands. Walk in His peace as you trust in Him. He is for you. Find rest in Him.

God bless you.

Happy new month (: and have a lovely weekend!





True Satisfaction

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating. ~Luciano Pavarotti

I really enjoy uninterrupted mealtimes. It gives me time to savor the food and enjoy it. The first couple of months of being a mom taught me the art of gobbling my food down. Getting full was the priority, enjoying the food was an after thought. There is a difference between eating to get full and eating to be satisfied, you know, enjoy the meal and lick your plate clean with a sated sigh.


Dining and living are not very different from each other. The way that you can eat just to quiet the hunger pangs is the same way you can go about your days just for the sake of living, without true satisfaction. The bible gives us more insight on this.

In John 4, Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman as the disciples went to get food. When they got back, they were surprised that Jesus wasn’t eating the food they had brought.

31 Meanwhile, the disciples were urging Jesus, “Rabbi, eat something.”

32 But Jesus replied, “I have a kind of food you know nothing about.”

33 “Did someone bring him food while we were gone?” the disciples asked each other.

34 Then Jesus explained: “My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me, and from finishing his work.”

Verse 34 is so profound. True satisfaction and nourishment come from doing God’s will, because we live for an audience of ONE and finishing it. In the journey of life, I have found myself starting projects that I know fall under ‘doing God’s will’ but I fail to finish them and move onto other things. Then I wonder why I am not truly satisfied.


Do you find yourself bouncing from one project to another but still feel dissatisfied with life?

What is it that God has called you to do?

Go against the grain {no pun intended} (: ,do the will of God, and let Him satisfy you.

Have a blessed weekend,


my soul

My Soul Finds Rest In God Alone

Over the past couple of days, I have learned a precious lesson about rest and quietness. Truth be told, I started attending this ‘class’ about three and a half years ago when God physically moved me to another town. Five hundred plus kilometers from my friends and family. My little heart had a lot of adjusting to do especially because these relationships were such a filler. Then I begun readjusting. At first I was too busy carrying out our assignment to feel the gap, but once the dust settled, I began to long for what I knew; ‘community’ as I used to call it.

all that i am

As the years have gone by, things have changed, I have changed. I have learned that quietness is sometimes very necessary. When God removed me from the noise, I begun to realize how much I relied on it as my ‘background’ music.

I deeply missed the fellowship and physical meetings, where it was easy to ask someone to stand with me in prayer. Thanks to technology I could still touch base with these people, but it was different. The season had shifted slightly. It was then I learned that:

There is value in having people pray for you , but it is also important to realize that there is a wrestling with God that can only be done by an individual for the individual.

It goes beyond putting your trust in men, to solely depending on God and choosing to trust His unfailing love for you and letting Him quiet you with His love.

I was absolutely restless, no amount of conversation or fellowship could settle and sate my heart. I needed more, I wanted more.


In the quietness I have realized how many ‘lies and stories’ I speak as truth – so many tales I tell myself as I try to rationalize from a limited perspective why things are happening as they are; just because I am quick to speak and slow to listen. Maybe because I fear that if I listened He may address that which I have been holding on to. The truth is sometimes my opinion doesn’t matter, in fact just because I thought it and have an open relationship with God, doesn’t mean  I need to say it out loud. I have grumbled and mumbled in the name of speaking my mind.


I’m still learning how to quietly wait on God with all that I am, my mind, soul and body. My hope and prayer is that once He is done with me, I will not be the same.

Has the Lord been calling you to be still and quietly wait before Him? Does the isolation scare you? My prayer is that He will strengthen you to wait on Him and be transformed by Him.

Here’s to seating and waiting patiently for Him. Listening out for His voice and letting His spirit transform our hearts.




The Children Agenda

Every time I put on cartoon stations, I realize that the world has an agenda for our children. Genies, charms, demons, spirits and witches are the order of the day. Seemingly innocent cartoon characters are looking to other spirits for assistance in every day tasks. My spirit is usually so disturbed; what happened to a cartoon being just that. Nowadays, I even find Tom & Jerry violent🙂 when your trying to teach a toddler that hitting is not good, you have a ‘violence’ radar that goes on.



The Holy Spirit is real. He longs to walk with us and have a relationship with our children. For this to happen we need to be intentional about bringing them to spaces where they hear the word of God and experience His power.

If I don’t teach Ksena to love Jesus the world will teach her not to. It may not tell her not to love Him, instead it will show her other things to love instead. It’s so exciting that she can now verbally recall things from memory, she’s been telling us things that happened months ago. She is ripe for memory verses. I’ll put a list of the verses we are starting with and I can share them in a few days.


A few days ago,we taught her to say God bless you, she randomly walks up to us and says “Mummy/Daddy God bless you”. Our words have power, we are teaching her to bless and not curse.


images (9)

Parenting is a full time job. Training up a child is a lot of work, but we have a helper who was present when the child was being knit in the womb. We should let Him guide us and lead us.

I’d love to hear how you are teaching your children about Jesus.

There are only so many nursery rhymes you can listen to without having them as a soundtrack in your dreams🙂. If you could please list some (clean) cartoons that we can check out in the next couple of months, I’d be so grateful.





Praising While Waiting In The Hallway

I shared this image on my instagram page yesterday and it brought back so many memories.


As the reel rolled in my head, I appreciated how far the Lord has brought me. 

I vividly remember, this time a few years ago when I was ‘stuck’ and miserable in the hallway. I thought it would last a couple of weeks, but it lasted a couple of months; I was devastated. I was thoroughly dissatisfied most of those months, wondering why God wasn’t moving. I felt stuck; in the hand of the Almighty. What frustrated me most is that I knew that unless God opened the door my efforts were futile. I was in limbo.

I secretly wished He would even let me go back to the previous season as He sorted out the kinks in the road. I wanted to be busy, to feel as though I was thriving. Not just waiting; indefinitely.

Towards the end, I learned a few life changing lessons and realized that I had missed out on the joy of the season as I complained and grumbled.

1) Mirror mirror on the wall

One fixture that I like to look at in hallways is a mirror. As I walked in the hallway of my life I was forced to stop and take a good look in the mirror. As I stared, I could hear God saying, ” I’m talking to the (wo)man in the mirror”.  At once, I knew that I wasn’t getting out of the hallway until He had dealt with some issues of my heart.

The hallway is a refining place. A place where God does business with you, if you let Him. It can be difficult to sit still in a world that tells you to go, go, go!


2) Curb the storytelling

An overactive imagination doesn’t take leave during the walk in the hallway. I made up stories about why God wasn’t accelerating me as fast as I hoped. In fact, I had theories that I used to analyze.

I lost a lot of time making up stories instead of focusing on His story. I really should have been focusing on His truth instead of making up wise sounding lies.

3) Funnel time

During this time of reflection, it’s possible to feel very lonely. Or rather realize there are not as many people standing by your side and cheering you on as you thought. My circle became smaller, and I realized, that I didn’t quite fit in where I’d been; and I wasn’t quite sure where I was headed either.

There, I learned to appreciate the few who made it through the funnel of life. The all-weather, hallway-or-open door friends.

4) We need to be In sync

Exodus 33:15 New Living Translation (NLT)

15 Then Moses said, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place.

I would rather be in the hallway with God than out in the greatest door without Him.

After grumbling for months I realized that in His presence there is fullness of joy. His covering is not to be taken for granted. His peace surpasses all understanding. He is all that I need and He has all that I need. My journey motto became “If you do not go with me, I will not go!”

5) Know when to get out

The hallway exists for a reason. To provide a break from season to season. To help you take stock as you transition from one door to another. Fear of the unknown should not make you afraid to close a door when it’s time. It is important to know when to leave.

There were times that I regretted walking out of the last door, but it was time. I learned the value of walking in God’s timing and not holding to things, people and seasons longer than I need to.

Being in the hallway was a refining time. It was painful but beautiful, when I finally stopped complaining and let God show me His purpose. Even in this door that He opened, sometimes I don’t see the full picture, but I have learned to run back to Him and His word.


God will open the door that He has prepared for you. Keep the faith. Remind yourself of His promises. He is for you. Don’t grow weary of waiting on Him, keep your eyes on Him and let Him prepare you for the greatness before you.

God wants you to excel through the journey, not just start strong and fail to finish. Trust that He who knit you in your mother’s womb knows what is best for you.




Lord, I Am Coming!!

I’m quite good at multitasking, but I have to do things immediately.~ Heidi Klum

I’ve realized that if I don’t do things immediately, I tend to forget and remember way after. It becomes history.

Yesterday as I read my bible, this verse really struck me.



First off, it is so precious that the Lord desires for me to go and talk with Him. Secondly, sometimes, when my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” I don’t quite get there. The reasons vary time to time. But the point is, I say “I am coming”, get side-tracked by life and miss out on a life changing encounter doing the mundane things. There is a place for playing my role, but there needs to be a space that I commune with the Lord especially when He calls.


In the evening, during my devotion time with Ksena, we read about the story of God calling Samuel. In fact, when she chose this story I smiled to myself, knowing that God was trying to tell me something.

There are several times that God has called me in my sleep but I’ve continued to sleep. My response should be like that of Samuel.

1 Samuel Chapter 3

10 And the Lord came and called as before, “Samuel! Samuel!”

And Samuel replied, “Speak, your servant is listening.”

When the Lord calls me, I have resolved within myself to respond, “Lord, I am coming” and actually get there. Yesterday, I actually got there, and I’m glad. There is nothing like the presence of the Lord. When we seek His face, He is there in that place.

Has the Lord been calling you? Are you still on your way? Rush to Him today and hear what He has to say. It’s guaranteed, you will not leave His presence the same.



get up

Even So, My Faith Will Not Falter

Faith must always pass the test of discouragement. ~ T.D Jakes

Discouragement is a test. It’s easy to be encouraged until you meet a bump in the road.I constantly pass through these tests of discouragement. I am learning that my faith cannot be emotional. It has to be a decision that I make daily regardless of the circumstances at hand.

It is nice to feel excited and pumped up about life and where God is taking you, but sometimes the bumps in the road can slow you down and make you wonder if you will ever get there.

The truth is that the devil is not idle, he comes to steal, kill and destroy.

1 Peter 5

Yesterday, I found my faith being tested and noticed my mood begin to change. A few minutes in to the dip, I said to myself and to the devil that ”Even so, my faith will not falter.” Once I made the declaration and begun to repeat over and over again, my mood lifted, the truth of God, encouraged my soul.

Daily, I choose to stand firm in the faith and believe that God is faithful, because He is. Regardless, of what I see, feel or imagine.  He is God.

Regardless of how things look, rise up and say that your faith will not falter. Our God is not a man that He should lie.

Have a blessed weekend.



And The Walls Came Tumbling Down

I absolutely love breaking down bible stories for a toddler to understand. It reveals simple truths hidden in between the lines. Also, answering questions makes you realize how great God is. Oh that we may never become casual with the word of God. His power is great.

Two days ago I asked her to choose the story that we would read, and she landed on the story of the walls of Jericho falling down. Little did I know that was the same story I would read in my quiet time later that evening.

The Fall of Jericho

Now the gates of Jericho were tightly shut because the people were afraid of the Israelites. No one was allowed to go out or in. But the Lord said to Joshua, “I have given you Jericho, its king, and all its strong warriors. You and your fighting men should march around the town once a day for six days. Seven priests will walk ahead of the Ark, each carrying a ram’s horn. On the seventh day you are to march around the town seven times, with the priests blowing the horns. When you hear the priests give one long blast on the rams’ horns, have all the people shout as loud as they can. Then the walls of the town will collapse, and the people can charge straight into the town.”

So Joshua called together the priests and said, “Take up the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant, and assign seven priests to walk in front of it, each carrying a ram’s horn.” Then he gave orders to the people: “March around the town, and the armed men will lead the way in front of the Ark of the Lord.”

After Joshua spoke to the people, the seven priests with the rams’ horns started marching in the presence of the Lord, blowing the horns as they marched. And the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant followed behind them. Some of the armed men marched in front of the priests with the horns and some behind the Ark, with the priests continually blowing the horns. 10 “Do not shout; do not even talk,” Joshua commanded. “Not a single word from any of you until I tell you to shout. Then shout!” 11 So the Ark of the Lord was carried around the town once that day, and then everyone returned to spend the night in the camp.

12 Joshua got up early the next morning, and the priests again carried the Ark of the Lord. 13 The seven priests with the rams’ horns marched in front of the Ark of the Lord, blowing their horns. Again the armed men marched both in front of the priests with the horns and behind the Ark of the Lord. All this time the priests were blowing their horns. 14 On the second day they again marched around the town once and returned to the camp. They followed this pattern for six days.

15 On the seventh day the Israelites got up at dawn and marched around the town as they had done before. But this time they went around the town seven times.16 The seventh time around, as the priests sounded the long blast on their horns, Joshua commanded the people, “Shout! For the Lord has given you the town!

As we read and dramatized the marching, blowing of horns and shouting the story came alive. I gave her a summary of the things that we can learn from the passage, I must add that the Holy Spirit is a brilliant teacher. These were our takeouts:

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1] There are several ways to get the victory but God’s way is the best for the situation at hand. 

Joshua and his fighting men could have walked in and attacked Jericho but the Lord had another plan. His was powerful yet subtle. You have to know when to let God fight for you as He chooses to.

2] Just because you are not doing much doesn’t mean nothing much is happening.

What God asked Joshua and his fighting men to do was rather simple, march around, blow their horns and shout. To the outsider, it may have seemed like they weren’t doing much, yet behind the scenes God was moving.

3] Following instructions to the letter is key. Obedience is a daily decision.

What God required of them on the first six days was different from what he required from them on the seventh day. Their victory was linked to them following the instructions to the letter.

That night I slept encouraged knowing that there is nothing too difficult for the Lord. Just because I can’t see His hand fighting for me in some instances, doesn’t mean that He has forgotten me. The victory belongs to Him.

This song has been on replay in my head:

Sinach : Way Maker

Oh what truth!! He is the way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper and light in the darkness.

In light of what you are facing, be encouraged, nothing is too difficult for Him. Listen out for His voice, obey it and watch Him clear the way for you.

Have a blessed evening,



Get Up And Soar

‘Excuses are lies wrapped up in reasons’- Howard Wright

This definition of excuses hit close to home. I had not thought of excuses as lies; I used to make them and hide behind them. At some point my excuses had become so convincing, they even resembled truth. I had internalized them and become them.

My most recent excuse revolved around the fact that I didn’t feel like the conditions around me were ‘condusive’ for my leap of faith, read: ‘comfortable enough’, to do what God had asked me to do. The truth is, Jesus didn’t promise ‘perfect and comfortable’ conditions to live out His purpose. In fact, John 16:33 says that we will face many trials and sorrows:


It doesn’t say might or could have trials and sorrows, but will have many trials and sorrows. What He does promise though, is His peace. His peace that surpasses all understanding. His peace that is perfect.

Isaiah 26:3 New Living Translation (NLT)

You will keep in perfect peace
    all who trust in you,
    all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

He doesn’t promise perfect external conditions, but He promises perfect internal conditions, if we trust in Him and keep our thoughts fixed on Him.

I have made a resolve within myself to get up and soar. To let God mount me on wings like eagles. To do that which He created me to do by His grace, for His glory. For so long, I have wearied myself with excuses, but I will run to Him to refresh me.

Isaiah 40:31 New Living Translation (NLT)

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

There is a popular saying used to motivate people to get out of their comfort zones. Do it afraid. I like this one by Joyce Meyer:


It’s okay to start without all the answers; as you get up, hold on to these promises

1 John 4:4 New Living Translation (NLT)

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

2 Timothy 1:7 New Living Translation (NLT)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

What if you lived out your purpose fully?

What if you were all you were created to be?

What is standing in your way?

Get up and soar, beloved. You were created for greatness; greater heights. Soar!!!

Have a blessed week,



Jesus Wore Shoes :) It’s A Life Changing Truth

Yesterday, I took Ksena horse riding. Well, those toy horses are the closest she’s been to a horse , a toy carousel doesn’t really count. Horses fascinate her. In fact one of her favourite nursery rhymes is ‘Horsey Horsey’. I’m not sure where to find real one here at the Coast.


After her bath, we read the Easter story. This particular book, had a picture of Jesus riding on a donkey on the first page. When she saw it,  she exclaimed that “Jesus is riding a horsey!!!” I explained that a donkey is a cousin of a horse and it brays, it makes the sound hee-haw (we need to keep the explanations simple. She is only 20 months old.)

When we turned to the next page, she saw Jesus feet adorned with sandals and she was so mesmerized. Even more excited, she exclaimed, “Mama, Jesus is wearing shoes!!” This went on for several minutes.


I was reminded that Jesus walked in our shoes and there is something about Him that we can relate to in each season of our lives. For Ksena, the fact that He wears shoes and rides a horsey..er..donkey has communicated a deep truth to her. Jesus is her friend. He is not foreign, He is like her; but greater. This truth has sparked a hunger within her to know Jesus more, to identify more with Him, to be more like Him. Glory be to God.

I’m so humbled that Jesus wore shoes. That Ksena has been used to remind me the person of Jesus. Oh that I may seek Him for who He is. That I may continuously trust Him with my desires and plans.

I pray that the simple truths will draw you closer to Him. He is God. That you may have childlike faith in all seasons of your life.




Hey Mama! You Are Doing A Great Job!!

Happy new week🙂

Time and time again, I have moments of doubt and exasperation. Motherhood is extremely rewarding but can also be draining and confusing for just a moment. This moment, however, sometimes feels like a lifetime, until you smile again.


As I had lunch with a group of friends last week, a friend of mine said to me, ”You are a great mum, Ess!” My soul almost leaped across the table and hugged her. Instead, I told her that God had sent her to tell me that.

A few hours before this conversation, I was in tears of frustration and exasperation. Wondering if I was doing an okay job. As I cried, I cried to the Lord and asked Him to strengthen me.

This verse has been  a constant in my life since I became a mommy.

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From that statement, I was encouraged. Reassured that the exhaustion and rough patch would come to pass. Even as I walked in the dark, I was still walking.


For the mama who is exhausted beyond words, sleep deprived, drained from the hospital visits, wondering if she is making a difference in her babies’ lives, take heart!! You are doing a good job. You are a great mama. Your reward is in heaven. Your source of strength is in heaven. Trade your sorrows for His joy, trade your heavy burden for His that is light, trade your yoke for His that is easy.

Allow God to fill you with Himself.

Have a lovely week. May the joy of the Lord be your strength.



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Motherhood Has Taught Me, Once Again, That God Answers Prayers

I’m so blown away by God’s goodness.

A few weeks ago, I was a very stressed and weary mama. Ksena wasn’t sleeping very well which meant I wasn’t sleeping very well either. I was also wondering how I would wean her off breastfeeding without the option of shipping her off to her grandmother’s house for two weeks.

A little background, she used to sleep beautifully until we hit a sleep regression in her first year then things went haywire. We tried all methods of sleep training but they weren’t quite successful due to other compounding factors beyond our control. So sleep was a real prayer request in our home.

I never had a problem with breastfeeding or milk supply but weaning was so stressful. I shudder when I think back. That she eats now and even asks for food by saying ” I’m hungry” or ”tummy is hungry” is a miracle in itself. I have cried tears because she wouldn’t eat, but God; He showed up and her appetite is a testimony of His Grace.

So back to the current situation, as we were away from home for several weeks, I knew things needed to change once we got back home; but God needed to come through I’m order for the changes to happen.

I needed to sleep train her and wean her off breastfeeding. The first day, I kept repeating God’s truth to her,  ”Ksena can do all things through Christ who strengthens her”. I told her that though self soothing was difficult she could do it because God was with her.  Every time she heard the verse, she calmed down. God’s word has power!!!


In four days she was sleep trained and weaned off breast feeding completely. It’s been a while since I’ve slept so well. I can change the world. When she wants to sleep she walks up to me and says ”Mummy , I’m tired”.

A few days ago, I told Peter that many times we don’t live in abundance because we have forfeited our power in Christ. As I’ve been reading ‘The Power Of A Praying Parent’ by Stormie Omartian, I’ve realized that when I spend time in His presence, His power is released. I desire for this power to be released in every aspect of my life.

This week, I’m working on my master prayer list. Asking the Holy Spirit to write with me, that I may be intentional about praying for the big and small things that worry and wear down my heart.

If your heart is weary, I pray that you will find rest in Christ. Nothing is too difficult for Him, you can trust Him with all the desires of your heart. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.




i wil run to you

I Will Run To You Even When It Hurts

I read a really interesting book this weekend that really encouraged me.


I highly recommend it for all parents, it’s a nice, easy read filled with pearls of wisdom. There is a lot that parents and children can learn from each other. The beauty of life is that we don’t stop learning. This realization is what birthed the Lessons From My Daughter posts.

A few days ago, I had to discipline Ksena. As she cried because she’d been disciplined she still wanted me to comfort her and give her warm cuddles. She was sad but the discipline didn’t make her doubt my intentions or love for her. She knew that my love for her was constant and that the issue of indiscipline was just a hurdle in our journey.

This got me thinking about my relationship with God. What is my attitude towards Him after He has disciplined me? Do I run away in a huff and a puff grumbling about how unfair He is or do I run to Him and let Him comfort me?

I’d love to say that I always run to Him but there are many times that I have run away and sulked. I have even made up bizarre stories about the inadequacy of His love for me. Only to realize that He disciplines me because He loves me; and, the discipline is for my good.

Proverbs 3:11-12 New Living Translation (NLT)

11 My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
    and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
12 For the Lord corrects those he loves,
    just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

I continuously realize why God needs us to have childlike faith, to take Him at His word. His love for us is constant. He sees the bigger picture and we can, and should, trust Him.


Today I have resolved to run to Him at all times because I can trust Him and His heart for me. He loves me and IS for me.

Do you trust His heart when the discipline hurts? Will you run to Him in the midst of it all?

Have a blessed week.



By His Grace, For His Glory

AND..I’M…BACK!!!!!! (: (: (:

It is so good to write again, it feels like it’s been too long since I last posted. I’ve been in a wedding zone, two of my friends of mine got married in the last two weeks. It’s been interesting watching them journey to the aisle. It was quite nostalgic, plus, we celebrated our 4th anniversary last week🙂 . It’s been a short long time. I remember the wedding day vividly, it’s amazing how much we’ve changed since. We’ve both grown as individuals and in our roles as well.


As I’ve reflected on marriage the last couple of weeks as I’ve engaged in different conversations about marriage, weddings and relationships, I’ve found this statement to be the best summary of our union.

‘By His Grace, for His glory!!!’

We are married in a time where the world doesn’t honor and respect the institution of marriage. Being happily married is honestly a miracle. By God’s grace we are. We’ve seen God carry us, sustain us, fulfill us and love on us. It is His Grace that has brought us this far, for His glory. There are many marriage practices and theories that people attribute to a happy marriage, but I can boldly say that without God you still remain void. It is He who holds us together [Colossians 1:17] By now you’ve figured that I absolutely love this verse. It is a lifeline for me.


Marriage works, with Jesus it does. We used to wonder out loud a few years ago that if marriage with God in it has its challenges, what about marriage without Him? Quite frankly, I am still not interested in finding out how it works without Him (: .

If you have given up hope on marriages in our generation, please be encouraged, a remnant of God’s grace remains, for His glory.

My heart has been so heavy for marriages the last couple of days, as I have been praying this song has been my prayer.

If your marriage is in a dark place that has discouraged you and made you doubt God, I pray that you will experience God’s divine peace. Oh that the Spirit of the Lord will break out and break down every wall down. Every wall that has boxed you in and held you captive. May revival come, His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. There is nothing too difficult for God. No situation too dark or bleak for Him. He is God.

If you would like me to stand with you in prayer, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and we’ll trust God together.






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Do Not Despise The Little Voice

Yesterday morning, as I was leaving the house I met a lady I know. I asked where she was going and it turned out we were headed in the same direction, so I offered to give her a lift.

As I dropped her, I saw that a car had broken down on the road that I wanted to take and it was causing a bit of traffic. It’s usually clear of traffic. Instead I opted to take the seemingly clear way, the main road, unaware of what lay ahead of me. After I turned, Ksena told me, “Mummy turn”, she was riding back left. I asked her to repeat what she said and she said “Mummy, turn”. Confused, I asked her if she meant I should turn the car, she said “Yes”. I had an opportunity to turn there and then but opted to continue. I told her that I thought this route would be faster.

When I got to the end of the road, I encountered what I’d like to call, ‘craters on a small scale’. To top it up, the traffic begun right there. Needless to say, we were in traffic for much longer than it usually takes. As I sat there, I couldn’t help but think that I ignored the still small voice.

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I can’t rationalize everything Ksena says, but to put it into perspective she is a one and a half year old, speaking quite a bit but I wasn’t listening to God speak through her.

I had more than enough time to repent on the way. Really, it took half an hour more. Mummy is not always right. It’s important for me to listen to Ksena and hear her out completely.


It’s important to know when God is speaking to you. When you ignore His voice, you end up encountering obstacles and time wasters on your path. The seemingly clear path is not always the best. Go where the Lord would have you go.

Oh that we would hear God as He speaks to us from the vessels He chooses to use.




Lord, Convict Our Hearts

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage the last couple of days. Our anniversary is coming up and I have friends getting married in the next couple of days. I’ve been asking myself what my desire of God is this coming year regarding marriage.

As I prayed, I asked the Lord to convict my heart on a daily basis. To show me the things of darkness that have perched themselves in my heart, the thought patterns that do not conform to the patterns of His word, the unkind things I’ve said and done and then lead me in the war everlasting.

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Only He convicts and then leads in the way everlasting. His voice is not condemning but rather loving.

Marriage is about BEING ONE. In this day and age, being one has lost meaning. Many times it is ‘my way or the highway’ but you can’t have two people convinced they are right. There needs to be a compromise, a deal breaker. A heart softener who convicts and sets you on the right track.

The longer I’m married, I become increasingly aware that I will be answerable for my individual actions. If I don’t respond in love, that’s on me. I will stand and give an account for all my actions. By your grace Lord, may most of them adhere to your plan and loving grace over my life.

If you feel your marriage has plateaued or could be deeper and better, I encourage you to ask God to first convict you and lead you in the way everlasting. Then he can convict your spouse’s heart and lead him/her too.

Jesus is the glue that holds us together, Col 1:17. When we exclude and ignore Him we draw apart from each other.


Marriage was designed by God. If you have questions and concerns about it run to Him, speak to Him and then listen.

It’s been a wonderful adventure the last couple of years. I want more of Jesus and more years of adventure with my  <3

There is nothing too difficult for God. No situation too far gone for His redemption. Run to Him and allow Him to breathe life into that dry situation, according to His will.





I Found Peace

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I struggle to hear these words in the face of adversity. All I want to scream back is  ”it is NOT well right now”.

You can imagine how many ‘it is wells’ I heard after dad died. I knew one day it would be well, but right there and then, life was many things apart from well. I needed space to feel the emotions but constantly received the ‘Be strong for….’ advice. So here I was stuck in between it not being well and exuding strength I lacked.  Quite a difficult balance to strike.

It’s easy to get sucked up in being strong for others and forget that you need to feel the emotions and be once in a while. Just because you hide the emotions does not mean that they are not there. One day they will come closer to the surface and you will be forced to deal with them (or stuff them deeper and repeat the cycle).

I’d found a way to be strong, I would avoid all conversations that required being real. So I literally avoided Peter, I’d want to be in the same space with him but avoid him. It’s quite ridiculous looking back, but he persevered.  Thank you❤

A few weeks after the burial, I got to do something for myself, I went on a short road trip to a near by lake. Lake Oloiden.

There I made peace with myself, God and my dad.

I forgave myself for the things I thought I could have done or said better. Such sweet release. I felt free.

I was able to forgive my dad for leaving the way he did. I wept tears of bitterness, hurt, disappointment.  Forgiveness was necessary for me to move forward. Peace engulfed my heart.

I asked God to embrace me and comfort me. I released my negative emotions regarding the whole situation, God not saving him as I thought He would. I asked for His forgiveness. Then I received peace. Not as the world gives. His peace, His divinely sweet peace.


I asked the Lord to be my father. I had just lost my physical representation of a father and there was a huge gap in my heart, in my life. This begun a beautiful adventure in my walk with Him. One of total surrender. Oh how I wish I had known Him as my ultimate father in every sense of the word when dad was alive. God is my father.

Dad’s death shook me to the core. It made me question many things including my existence and identity. But God. God SPOKE to me and LOVED on me. I am whole, I am loved, I am His.

After finding peace, I knew this is right where I wanted to get married. The scenery and presence were exactly what I wanted surrounding us as we exchanged our vows. He was there.

What is causing your heart turmoil?  Get away, lay your emotions on the table, take them to the cross and make peace with yourself, God and other parties involved.  The bitterness and unforgiveness could be what is holding your from living your best life now.

Have a blessed week ahead,



Of Broken Screens, Shattered Dreams And The Life Inbetween

A few weeks ago, I dropped my phone. This wasn’t the first time, this time my screen cracked in a not so interesting pattern.

I was a little sad, but given the situation at hand, it was the lesser evil. A little background: Ksena saw a swimming pool and sprinted towards it. Now, she has never jumped into a pool without adult supervision before, but I wasn’t about to find out if she would test that boundary. So I dropped everything in hand and followed her. Unfortunately my phone paid the price.

Side bar: if anyone knows where I can find the screen for a Huawei Honor 4c please let me know. You’ll have made my life so much easier. I have seen that there is a cracked screen wallpaper app, I don’t understand the rationale behind wanting a cracked screen. Perhaps a mosaic?


Back to the story, a few weeks later here I am walking with a broken screen which initially irritated me but I’ve now learned to live with, then I meet one of my sister’s from another mama and she gives me much needed insight.

She said, at some point, we all learn to live with the dysfunctions in life.

It hit me hard because it was about more than just the phone. It was a simple life truth. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, the dysfunctions look different for different people, it can be death of a loved one, loss of a job, a shattered dream,  depression, end of a friendship or relationship, sickness… the truth is that the cracks in the screens of our lives can disoriented us and hurt us deeply. In fact, a week after I dropped the phone, a crack cut my finger. Man, that hurt. Such is life, sometimes the cracks hurt us deeply and leave a scar.

The definitive crack in my life was losing my dad. It hurt so bad. I wasn’t sure how I’d live without him. My seemingly picture perfect life had cracked and my heart was bleeding. I had so many dreams for us, he was supposed to walk me down the aisle the following year, we had just discussed marriage. I felt abandoned and alone. My dreams in a row had just been shattered. And now I had to dream again, if only I could find peace to fall asleep again.

Eventually, I learned to deal with the dysfunction. It became my new normal. It paralyzed me but eventually I found my feet again and started to move in the right direction. I knew it wouldn’t be the same but the journey was crucial.


Clinging on to God was all that I knew and could do. Without Him I was lost. Without Him I was hopeless. I let Him carry me and I found rest and peace. His healing hand touched my broken heart and I experienced wholeness in the midst of a storm. Hallelujah!! I was able to dream again and slowly but surely the dreams are coming to pass.

He is faithful in the midst of the storm. Run to Him and experience His peace.




It No Longer Holds Power Over Me

‘It no longer holds power over me!!’

I have longed to say these words out loud and actually mean them from bottom of my heart for such a long time.

Five years ago, I was crippled by fear and the voices in my head paralyzed me. As the days have gone by, I have realized that what I perceived as my reality was a very skewed version of the truth.

The Perfect Light

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I was watching Pingu with Ksena two night ago, it’s a favorite in our household. It has many life lessons.

In this episode, Pingu and his sibling were scared of a shadow. What it looked like and what it was in real life were world’s apart. However, the fear, anxiety and confusion were very real and tangible. They were terrified, they couldn’t sleep, their peace was gone.

When insufficient light hits an object it skews how it appears in real life.

When God’s perfect light fails to hit a life experience it skews how it appears. As I have processed death, depression, suicide and grief on inadequate light for years, I have picked up baggage that was never mine to deal with. I have been paralyzed by fear and crippled by shame and guilt. Feeling like I was responsible for his decision, yet I wasn’t. I have literally fed myself self defeating lies that have robbed me of the experience of fullness of life. For too long, the story of depression and suicide held power over me. But, as I begun to ask God to show me His truth, reveal His version, I have found freedom. Freedom to be all that God created me to be. Freedom to love and laugh, freedom to dream and forgive myself. Freedom to speak up and encourage others who have been crippled and paralyzed by fear.

I have found my feet again. I can confidently say that IT NO LONGER HOLDS POWER OVER ME. Hallelujah !!!!🙂

My prayer is that you will see everything that has terrified you in the dark in the perfect light of Christ. That the things that have held you captive for weeks, will be revealed to you from God’s perspective of truth. That you may experience freedom and life in abundance. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.



save you

I Couldn’t Save Him

I have been so overwhelmed by the love that I have received since I posted  5 years on… Grief. Acceptance. Life . Thank you!!

One of the things that I really struggled with the days following my dad passing away was the fact that I couldn’t save him. A part of me felt so worthless, hopeless and defeated. My Psychology degree in the making was not fireproof. I was not a hero with a big ‘S’ on my chest. I was a broken, disappointed, confused victim in this story.

I prided myself in having a special relationship with my dad. I loved him so much. I thought that I would always be prepared for the day he died. Boy, was I extremely far from the truth. Death has a way sneaking up on you and knocking the wind out of your chest; then as you choke on the ground, it slowly but surely yanks away the physical presence of the one that you love . And you lay there, powerless. 

The days leading up to his death, we would talk and I could see the hopelessness in his eyes. We talked and prayed together but it wasn’t enough. He needed someone to save him. I was not his savior. The truth is, nothing I could have done would ever have been enough to save him. I am not Jesus!

I am not Jesus! 


I feel like I should say it again, I am not Jesus!!  Oh how I wish that the younger me understood this after dad died. I spent so many day moaning and mourning the fact that I had failed to stop it (as if I had a set of super powers only known to me.)I battled with feelings of guilt, a paralysis in my heart, I was afraid to ever walk with someone in the valley of depression. I doubted myself and my education, to an extent that I wasn’t sure I wanted to practice anytime soon. I was devastated.

I had prayed, I had cried, I had tried but it still was not enough. Only Jesus could save dad. My words and advice were good but not enough to do the work that only Jesus could.

Jesus did it at the cross. Because He died, I live. He is the perfect savior.

If you don’t know Jesus as your personal savior, my prayer is that you would heed His call today. Behold He stands at the door of your heart knocking, if you hear His voice, do let Him in. If you would like to please pray this prayer and believe in your heart.


If you have prayed this prayer and accepted Jesus as your personal savior, Congratulations!! Please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and we can walk together.

For those walking with people in the valley of depression I pray that you will realize that there is only so much that you can do. Encourage them , love on them and lead them to Jesus, our savior. Only He can save them from the depths of the grave.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the Lord will continue to comfort you. I pray that this truth will enable you to forgive yourself. That you will let go of the guilt that has haunted you for weeks and walk free. You did your best, and it was enough.




5 Years On: Grief. Acceptance. Life

First off, THERE IS A GOD!!!

I would not be here without Him. I literally owe all that I am to Him. He lifted me from the depths of the grave, revived the dead parts of my being, gave me His peace and fiercely loved on me.

Jesus, I want the whole world to know that you are my God. You did it for me.

This is one of those posts that is extremely close to my heart. Five years ago, my world came to stand still. I experienced heart break, pain that I can’t quantify. My world as I knew it forever changed. It changed me, it killed a part of me but the Lord revived me.



16th April 2011, the reality of depression that had been looming for years finally set a definitive mark. My dad committed suicide. My world stopped. This was never part of the plan (or list of possible scenarios) but it became my reality. My cup to bear. My world shattered into a million little pieces.

This was an unanswered prayer gone wrong. Images of his lifeless body replayed in my mind for a long time.

For months, I oscillated between numbness and feeling too intensely that I thought I would die. I literally thought that the grief would consume me. For a moment there, it did.

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I was angry, disappointed, ashamed (you don’t realize how much stigma comes with suicide.) Sometimes the loudest condemning voices come from within. I felt like I had failed to save him. I should have seen it coming. Here I was pursuing a degree in Psychology yet I wasn’t able to intervene.




I can sing, I can smile, I’m alive. Things are not the same but it’s okay.

I’m so humbled that God has given me precious souls to walk this journey called life with.

My husband, Peter, remains one of my greatest support systems. He has been a rock. For months he held me as fear, grief and a myriad of emotions made their way out of my system through tears. I would shake, it was a cry from my toes because my belly was not far enough. Grief had touched every fibre of me. It had wrecked me. But God healed me.

My oldest friend, Natasha, has been invaluable. She has understood triggers that make me sad and always reaches out, 5 years on. She understood it was more than just an event, it was a life changing one. She is a friend, sister and angel that God sent my way to remind me of His love.

My mum has held down the fort the last five years and been strong for everyone. Her strength and faith continue to amaze me. Her life is a testimony that there is a God and He holds all things together. When we are weak, He is strong and He commands His angels to carry us and guards us as the apple of His eye.

There are several other people whose support has been invaluable. God smiled on me when He placed them in my life. I can’t thank Him enough.



Life has gone on.

Watching  Peter play with Ksena has really made me miss dad. There are so many days I have wondered how he would have played with her. How our relationship would have been. But, I also know that he found rest. I say this carefully, but after watching depression eat him alive for tens of years, I do realize that there is nothing more that I could have done. I prayed, I encouraged, I hoped but the end came sooner than I anticipated in a way I would never have imagined. Depression and suicide are not fully understood. It’s easy to judge when it’s not hit close to home. When it is a reality it makes you question the things that you believe and whether you are really at peace.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the Lord will comfort you and strengthen you.

For those experiencing depression and thoughts of suicide.  I pray that the Lord will minister to you at this very moment, that He will speak to you, revive you and save you. May He surround you with angels to walk this journey with.



the thought that counts

It’s The Thought That Counts

Previously, when someone would just pop into my mind, I’d enjoy the moment and then , revert back to life as normal.

A couple of months ago the Holy Spirit challenged me pray for the people when I think about them. Perhaps they come to mind for more than just momentary entertainment, and for a greater purpose. It’s now so ingrained in our culture at home, that if I tell my husband I though about someone, he’ll ask me if I’ve prayed for them, then maybe ask me what the thought was.

I’m applying this even after I have dreams of people, I pray for them. Sometimes I’m too sleepy to understand the complexity of what God is trying to say through the dream, but I pray either way. I cover them in the mighty name and blood of Jesus, and pray as the Spirit leads. Sometimes, it is a two liner prayer, other times, it turns out to be a long prayer.

Has someone been on your mind? Pray for them.


I’m smiling as I write this next paragraph, because it took me a while to start implementing immediately.

You know, how sometimes you have a feeling that you should text someone? Well, I used to get this feeling and say, ‘tomorrow’ or ‘later’. Then as I wait for later and probably forget, the said person texts me and I’m like ‘I thought about you today!’. Holy Spirit gently nudges me and I know I sorta dropped the ball. I have learned that at those moments, some people’s hearts would be cheered by my obedience.

This week, I pray that all the thoughts will count, that we will go over and above thinking about people, to praying for them and encouraging them.



move of God

We Need A Move Of God

My heart has been so heavy the last couple of days. I have had a burden to pray for Kenya but I have not known where to start. There are nights I have woken up to pray but sat in silence.

When I look at things with my physical eyes, and listen to conversations on the ground, I get so discouraged. It’s very possible to be comfortable in my bubble and forget to pray. Last night this verse kept ringing in my head:


We need the Lord to lead, build and watch over us as a nation.

Yesterday I was listening to ‘Reveal’ by William McDowell. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart begun to pray. I begun to ask the Lord to reveal Himself, His will to us. To instruct me on how to pray, reveal what is happening in the heavenly realm. Below are the lyrics:

Father we want to know You
Reveal Yourself to us
We’ve seen You
Through Jesus our Savior
We want to know You more

We’re crying out to You
Reveal Yourself
Reveal Yourself
We’re crying out to You
Reveal Yourself to us, oh God

Reveal Yourself to us
We want to know You better

Jesus wonderful Savior
You are our hearts desire
We’ve tasted and seen Your goodness
Now nothing else satisfied

We’re crying out to You
Reveal Yourself
Reveal Yourself
We’re crying out to You
Reveal Yourself to us

Father reveal Your heart to us
Father reveal Your heart to us
Father reveal Your heart to us
We want to know You better
We want to know You better

Make us aware, make us aware, make us aware
Make us aware, make us aware, make us aware
Make us aware, make us aware, make us aware

We want to know You better
We want to know You better

So here I am, burdened but praying. Asking God to move, reveal His will and help us, help me to know Him better. We just want Him.

Let’s pray for Kenya. For His kingdom to come and His will to be done. For His Spirit to come, move, revive us, transform us; and reveal His power, glory, presence and love.



images (14)

Swiswim – Thoughts on Baby Swimming

Update: the baby above is not Ksena. I found her

“Mama! Go swiswim.”

Every couple of days, Ksena wakes up asking to go swimming.

About six months ago, the baby group we attend, introduced a weekly baby swimming session. The timing was perfect, seeing as the weather was very close to running a temperature.

The first class was quite intriguing because we didn’t use any floaters. I quickly learned that she feeds off my emotions. If I’m reluctant to do certain things she will also be reluctant to do them. It was very encouraging to see other mum’s with their babies.

I remember the first time we put our babies under water, I took some time to get over my butterflies of putting her under. When I did, boy was I glad (and was Ksena shocked lol). She now loves swimming under water.

How CUTE is this?!? photo courtesy of aquababies-uk.com

How CUTE is this?!? photo courtesy of aquababies-uk.com

Over the weeks, we noticed that our little ones became more comfortable in the water. Babies who were hesitant about going under water now anticipate it. They have become more confident in the water and both mother and child look forward to bonding at these sessions.

Every so often, I am asked several questions about baby swimming. Our gracious instructor and baby swimming guru Stephanie McGuinness (Goodall) explains it all so well.

As a PE teacher I am a great believer and advocator of physical development for all; from babies to the elderly there are appropriate activities for everyone. We often protect our babies from perceived “hazardous” activities, believing they are not yet capable. However, babies have the amazing capacity to learn, much quicker than adults. Babies thrive when their senses are stimulated.

People often ask me what are the benefits of baby swimming? is it necessary? and at what age should babies start their swimming journey?

The benefits to your child participating in swimming from early age are, to me endless; it teaches water safety, develops their coordination, enhances the bond between babies and their parents, it builds their strength, develops their learning skills and it develops their confidence and their willingness to take risks, to name a few.
Babies can take part in swimming sessions from birth, however, medical professionals recommend that mum’s wait at least 6 weeks after labour whilst they recover. As for is it necessary? that question can only be answered by individual parents but I would recommend speaking to someone who has taken part, hear their stories, ask questions and where possible attend a class and view the benefits for yourself.

baby swimming

Baby’s generally dislike swimming on their backs at first.

What to expect?
Baby swim teachers aim to make their sessions relaxed and fun, and to encourage learning through play. Young babies are born able to do primitive swimming strokes. Your teacher will build on these natural reflexes until your little one is completely happy moving in and through the water. During a typical baby swim class, your teacher will stimulate your child’s sense of sound and touch, allowing them to develop their water confidence, they will encourage your child to spend time on their back and front in the water, develop their kicking and pulling action, use swimming aids for fun, sing songs and with parents who feel comfortable teach them to take their child for an underwater swim.

The most important thing for parents to remember in a swimming lesson is that your child feeds from your emotions if you are worried and anxious then your baby will pick on that. I always encourage parents to give bundles of positive reinforcement even when your heart skips a beat, your child is waiting to see how your emotions unfold, take a breath, smile, clap and encourage and your child will become a confident learner.

Stephanie McGuinness (Goodall) is the Deputy Head Pastoral and PE teacher at Braeburn Mombasa International School.

Ksena looks forward to swimming and singing in the water every week. We are able to enjoy swimming as a family which is a big plus. Her progress has challenged me to set aside one hour every week to learn something new. It may look like a short time in the beginning, but after a couple of weeks I know I’ll see some progress.

P.S if you are wondering how to get your baby to take a nice long nap, you may have just found your answer (:



courtesy ofhttp://www.solideogloriasisterhood.com/connections-when-sex-hurts/

When Sex Hurts

Sex is supposed to be synonymous with pleasure. Sometimes, it is not, and pain takes the place of pleasure. Over time, it is possible for this to strain a marriage. One of the symptoms of Endometriosis is pain during or after sex. Pain during sex is seldom talked about and many women and marriages are suffering in silence. In honor of Endometriosis Awareness Month, I asked Maggie Gitu , a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex therapist to expound on what to do when sex hurts because of endometriosis or adenomyosis.

courtesy ofhttp://signaturextra.com/5-medical-conditions-ways-to-deal-with-painful-sx

Sex is one of the most important and fun ways for married couples to connect. Painful sex, however, is no one’s idea of a good time. Painful sexual intercouse, also known as dyspareunia, is the persistent pain that occurs during or after sexual intercourse. Dyspareunia can occur as a result of a variety of issues such as insufficient lubrication, trauma, surgery or physical conditions such as vaginismus, endometriosis or adenomyosis. Endometriosis is caused when tissue that lines the uterus grows outside of the uterus, while adenomyosis happens when uterine tissue grown into the uterine wall. Both of these conditions can interfere with sexual intercourse.

While the presence of endometriosis or adenomyosis can interfere with a couple’s sexual pleasure, there is no need for sexual intimacy to cease altogether. So what’s a couple to do?


It may sound cliché but it’s absolutely true. It’s important for a couple to communicate openly and honestly about what is happening in their marital bed. Even going for doctor visits together would be helpful in allowing male partners to hear the information directly from a qualified medical professional, which may increase their understanding and empathy for their female partners.

It is also important to allow room in the marriage for honesty: room to speak honestly about the challenges of having to deal with a condition, irritation at having to avoid certain sexual positions that you would want to try but can’t because of the pain to the partner, the guilt or shame that is common with partners who feel like they are being denied the sexual adventures they imagined they would have. Remember that these feelings are about the situation, not the person. The bottom line is that openness and honesty will be crucial if a couple is to enjoy their sex life.

 Lose It:

Lose the guilt, because none of this is your fault, and even when/where you could have done better, now you can because now you know better. Lose the blame; again, this serves no purpose in enhancing the intimacy in your marriage. Accept that this is the situation that you’re in, find a competent doctor to work with you and move forward determined to enjoy your sex life together, inspite of a diagnosis of endometriosis/adenomyosis. Lose the bad attitude; it’s going to destroy your sex life, which will in turn negatively impact other aspects of your marriage. Lose anything and everything that will interfere with your ability to connect as a couple. If you need more support, more information, or additional medical intervention, all you ever have to do is ask, so ask! Your doctor will advise you on all the options that are available. Lose the pressure to be perfect; sex is about connection, intimacy and fun not an Olympic performance with a score board. Relax into it; remember that you are not alone, and there is help and support to be found for those who take the time to seek. 


When it comes to sex, attitude is everything. Even without the added challenges of endometriosis or adenomyosis, the attitude a couple has about the kind of sex they want to have really does make all the difference. Instead of seeing these conditions in a strictly negative light, try to challenge yourselves on all the positive things that can come out of this, for example, the sexual positions that you hadn’t even thought to try might be exactly what you need in order to have sex life that you want.

Experiment and Have Fun:

Sex should be fun, so make it fun and experiment. As a couple, be open to different sexual positions, for example, while the missionary position may be painful for some women, it may be easier for you but you’ll never know unless you try. In addition, begin to figure out what sequences work best and which ones are best left alone e.g. some women find it easier to begin with one sexual position and then move on to other positions while some find that maintaining a single position is easiest on them. The point is, experiment! Make a game of it by coming up with a funny ranking system that you can both look forward to contributing to; be sure to add an exciting reward system😉

Part of experimentation is understanding that sexual intercourse is not the only way to enjoy sexual intimacy. In other words, what are your sexual limits? What are you willing to try, even once? Developing your own sexual ‘playlist’ as you seek to increase your repertoire can be a fun way to take the pressure off by focusing on what feels good, not what ‘should’ feel good. With the right attitude, the issue may no longer be what the couple can’t do but instead be all the things they haven’t – yet. The sexual repertoire is endless so experiment and find out what works best for you.

A happy healthy sex life is vital for any couple and despite having a diagnosis of endometriosis/adenomyosis, it is achievable with communication, the right attitude and a sense of fun.

If you would like get in talk more with Maggie, you can reach her via maggiegitu@hotmail.com , +254 734 757 785 or @MaggietheMezzo .



images (4)

Imitators At Heart

Motherhood is an avenue that God uses to show me the contents of my heart.

Raising Ksena has really challenged my walk with God. One of the things that I understand afresh each and every day is what it means to be a child of God. Peter and I have a front row seat in the show ‘The Wonders Of A Child’. This means we get to see both awesome life truths and the foolishness bound within the heart. The latter has us looking for ‘a discipline stick’. Discipline is a series on it’s own, I’ll write about it soon.

God’s patience humbles me, He really does put up with a lot. Many are the times that I have told Him that I think I know…yet I was wallowing in a sea of foolishness. There was a time that I hated discipline, but the longer I walk with God, I realized time and time again how crucial it is.


The awesome truth that has got me this week is that we are imitators at heart. As children we want to look up to our parent and do as we see. Ksena has been imitating what her dad does. One day she told us, ”Daddy, eat” and proceeded to show us how her dad eats, it is hilarious to say the least. Yesterday, she was imitating how he sleeps, when she wants to wake him up.


She understands that he is her father and she longs to imitate him. Yesterday we went for an evening walk by the beach. When her daddy joined us, she shouted, ”Daddy, beach!”. She was ecstatic that he had come, after that she followed him every where that he went. She would momentarily get sidetracked by the waves, but when she remembered who she was supposed to be following, she was hot on his heels.


THAT is how I want my relationship with God to always be, that I may always follow and imitate Him. Though I may err and get mesmerized or side tracked by things on the way side, I pray that I will always follow Him. That my heart will long for Him, long to walk with Him, love on Him and be like Him.



angels at work

I Have Seen Angels At Work

Over the last couple of weeks, I have become increasingly aware of the power that is released when we pray. During a conversation with a friend two weeks ago, I asked her, how we used to survive when we didn’t pray as fervently? She responded, ”our mums were doing the heavy lifting for us”. This is so true. I am so blessed to have a mum who prays for me. Now I’m a mum, I have to take that place and cover my family in prayer daily. I am enjoying the heavy lifting (:

faithful prayers

I have learned not to take anything for granted. Leaving the house and getting back home accident and incident free is by the grace of God.  A week ago, I was heading home and a car behind me was going much faster than necessary. We were on a busy road but the driver kept accelerating instead of slowing down. Before I knew it, I heard his tyres screeching to a halt behind me. He barely missed my boot. If my car was any longer, he would have rammed right in. I was a little shaken but I had seen the hand of Jehovah. I was not confused, I was absolutely sure that it was His angels who held that car back. He preserved Ksena and I.


On Saturday, I took Ksena out for a picnic. We had a lot of fun, spotted a few animals. At about 4pm, we decided to go and see the Hippos being fed. As I walked, I stepped on [what did not look like] loose soil, and in the slowest motion possible, I fell. I was holding Ksena and a few other things. As I went down, I could not believe that I was actually falling, it has been many years since I last fell. Before I knew it, I was on the ground, Ksena and the things intact [BY GOD’S GRACE]. All I had to show were a bruised knee, torn skirt, and a snapped sandal. God’s angels had held us. What could have been a very bad fall, ended up being cushioned by His Angels. After attempting to dust ourselves off, we made it to see the Hippos eating. They don’t have the best table manners (: they chew with their mouths open. Ksena showed me how they chew lol. She was particularly fascinated by the Buffalo neighboring the Hippos. It was worth it.


A day can start off so well but end on a different note. It is the Lord who sustains us. I will not be afraid, because I know that He has got me covered.

Step into this month knowing that the Lord has commanded His angels concerning you. No weapon fashioned against you shall prosper. God will answer, sustain and deliver you.

Have a blessed month,



God is here

Mama, God is Here!

A few days ago, during my prayer time, I asked the Lord that I would feel His presence in a tangible way.


A bit before this, I had told him that I was discouraged and didn’t feel like praying. Ever so promptly, I heard the Holy Spirit gently but firmly ask me what implication my discouragement had on the kingdom of darkness. Then, it hit me, that I would not get a free pass because I was sad. The devil doesn’t care, in fact he rejoices that the discouragement will deter me from communicating effectively with my Father. But, not this time devil. Not anytime for that matter.

I swiftly got over myself and prayed.

Later that day, Ksena walked up to me and said, “Mama, God is here!” I asked her to repeat what she had just said, and she said, “Mama, God is here!”

I am here

I was so humbled. At that time it is exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what I needed to be reminded, that in the midst of the grey skies, He was right there. Not intimidated by the temporary sadness.

I took it and run. I believed every word. I didn’t judge the channel that He chose to use. I’ve realized that many times I doubt the truth but readily believe the lies that situations in life present to me.


For a long time it was easier to believe ‘I can’t make it because of a difficult season’ compared to ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’

Now, when I’m sad or scared, I remind my soul and body the old age truth, God is here. I am not afraid.

Is the devil successfully deterring you from communicating effectively with God?

Are you willing to hear His truth?

I pray that you will experience the Lord in a new way. May the temporary sadness not cause you to stop talking to Him. He longs to love on you, refresh you and be with you.




Knowing When To Let Go And When To Hold On

The one who calls me mummy turned two a few days ago.

Wow, My baby is two!!!!

What a journey it has been. I’m so grateful for all the days, the blissful one and the downright difficult ones. They make up the cocktail of life. In retrospect, the good days have been more, much more, than the days that tested and tried every fibre within me. I wouldn’t trade the journey for anything.

I’m constantly blown away when I think about just how far we’ve come. We have little conversations nowadays that leave me a little stunned and remind me that growth happens even when we aren’t really paying attention.

We started swimming about a year ago, and she has flourished. I’m so amazed. The truth is that soon she won’t need me to be close by, and she knows it. Her favourite thing is to swim under water without me holding her so she literally removes my hands from her waist as she swims. The first couple of times I was not amused but over the last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that I need to let go, and I need to know when to hold on.

Quite often, I gauge her abilities based on my experiences, but we are two different individuals. She is fearless. I pray that my different little scripts and biases (that are currently being dealt with) will not hold her back from being all that she was created to be. She enjoys jumping into the pool, soon we’ll be talking about diving😉 The first time she did it, I held my breath and was ready to yank her out of the water, until I saw her emerge with a huge smile on her face. She knew that I would be right there when she got out.


Here I am, learning a balancing act, in all areas of my life. Praying for the grace to know when to hold on and when to let go. In a few months, she will start school, I have a feeling that will be a whole series on it’s own. But I know to whom she belongs, she is literally just on loan to us. Oh that we may be good stewards for His glory.

I’ve been challenged by Ksena to let go a little more, trust what I have learned, jump of the cliff (in her case: edge of the pool) and do it all with a smile. When I need to psyche myself up, I do what Ksena would do, sing: “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall” then I take the leap of faith knowing that God will be right there to catch me.

Here’s to leaps of faith and growth in the journey.