I Loved. I Prayed. I Lost. But Still I Hope.

I loved.

I prayed.

I lost

But stiIl, I hope and trust.

Depression is real. It’s not a figment of one’s imagination or an extended monday blue session. It’s real, alive and it consumes one on the inside.

Having had a front row seat to witness the effects and realities of depression, I know how real, dark and hopeless it can be.

depression

You see, as a child, I had no idea what was going on with my dad but I knew something was off. This invisible, anonymous thing was robbing my family and I of joy. And so I prayed for him for 14 years. In the beginning I was naive. As I grew up, I understood more and the more I understood the less I really did. I quickly realized that I couldn’t rationalize depression. That it was dark, cold and lonely.

It was beyond my control.

So I had to let it be. Though for years I felt like I should have done more.

Been more.

Prayed more.

I prayed, ever so fervently yet I still lost him. Since then, I have lost other people to depression and I have had even more questions. I’d love to say that death has lost its sting, but sometimes the reality of death stings my heart, especially when it seems so premature.

What my little heart struggles with most now, is seeing other people walk down this road and knowing that God doesn’t always answer prayers as we’d desire. It was initially difficult to be honest with myself and say that I was disappointed, that my prayer wasn’t answered as I’d hoped. And a part of me was almost scared to pray for this again, to walk this road again. Because I know how it can end. A part of me has been afraid to pray as fervently, to believe against all odds, that one can conquer it. But quite recently I was reminded that God is faithful and able regardless of my story. His strength and grace are not determined by what happened, He is God and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I do pray that I will always remember that prayer changes things and I will always keep hope alive even in the darkest of days.

possible

If you have someone close to you struggling with depression, keep praying, keep believing and keep trusting. We don’t know how tomorrow will be, if they will beat this thing or not, but we do know that we have today, to love and live as best as we can. I pray that you both will experience the hand and heart of God.

If you are struggling with depression and feel as thought you are drowning in a sea of darkness and hopelessness, I earnestly pray that the Lord who calmed the storm in Luke 8 will be close to you. That He, in His own time, will calm the storm and lead you out, where feet may fail. That He will help you to walk upon the waters, those very waters that have threatened to swallow you alive.

To those struggling and those loving the ones who are, lots of love, grace and peace to you ❤

Blessings,

Bibi2be

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