This Present Darkness

I never imagined that sadness and joy could unite and leave such a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth.

One day, I stared at the curtains flapping as the fan swirled on the ceiling, and I yearned to fly away. I was overwhelmed. I loved my baby, but it was all too much. My hormone levels were spiked and dropped like a yo-yo and I felt out of control. The colic and sleep deprivation eroded my sanity.

I had no problems with milk production and my CS scar was healing well so the doctor gave me a clean bill of health. I looked fine, but I was crumbling, and strong emotions were welling up inside me.

Guilt ate me alive. Here I was, humbled to hold my baby in my arms, especially after my journey with Endometriosis. I felt guilty for not enjoying the process. My pictures at this time were not social media worthy, I looked tired, heavier on the scale, and one statement away from tears.

I craved sunshine.

I longed for the simple days, days that felt like the fairytale that I had hoped to live out – happy mama and happy baby.

Some days were good, especially when I slept and left the house. Cabin fever was not increasing my joy levels. In the thick of things, I prayed:

May the present darkness that I am experiencing, not dim the light in my child’s eyes.    

It got better, eventually, it did. When I look back at those days I shudder, I am grateful that life goes on. That’s the good thing and the not so good thing. There are no off days to figure things out. You just figure them out as you go. And, there is no immunity to things that could make you sad or make you feel like you’ve stumbled on a stone and are trying to find your balance.

God’s grace remains sufficient. My prayer for you is that God who sees all things and knows all things, will carry you and give you peace. And, that the darkness that threatens to overwhelm you will lift, and make way for His light.

Happy Mother’s day!!.

You are loved.

P.S if you’d like someone to talk to, please send me an email via bibi2bee@gmail.com.

 

 

 

 

 

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