6 Years On: Grief, Life, Love

Oh my, time flies. It’s amazing how things change and some remain the same.

6 years ago, I didn’t know if I would ever be okay and not think about my dad every living moment. It sounds extreme, but I was heart broken. But time, and God,  they have a way of healing your heart. Over the years, the grief has changed. It has felt different and been different. During my last trip to the beach, I sat next to Ksena at the shore and the we played with the water. She enjoyed the little waves tickling her toes. When the waves got stronger she squealed with joy that the water was splashing on her back. Then out of nowhere, an innocent looking wave came, and it was bigger than we thought, but I yanked her up in time and we stared at the wave as it crashed.

Grief is like the ocean, sometimes your heart is calm, and then other times, when you least expect it, sorrow rocks up and is literally a wet blanket, and you have to leave. For some reason, the last couple of weeks, Ksena has been asking me about my dad. Both her grandpas went to be with the Lord, so she doesn’t quite understand the concept of grandpa. So we’ve had to talk about what happens when we die. I’m yet to find a simple way to explain the complexity that is death. Somewhere after one of our conversations, a wave, a mighty big wave hit me, and I felt a sadness and longing, and soon after a peace.

Life. Goes. On.

That’s what I wish I could tell myself 6 years ago. That the eyes that were filled with tears of sadness would one day be filled with tears of joy. My emotions have been confused. On one hand I’m remembering my dad 6 years on, and 8 days later, I am celebrating the milestone of Ky being 6 months old. They are both big things in my life that elicit a myriad of emotions.

But I read something a few days ago that really captured what my heart had been trying to articulate to my brain over and over.

no amount

Ain’t that the truth!

I use the term here achievement here loosely, because, I know that motherhood is not an achievement, it is stewardship, and I will be held accountable. My point is, being a mum fills my heart with joy but it doesn’t erase the pain, sadness of losing a parent. Each is a big deal, they both carry weight.

theres a time

The reality is that each day that passes we are closer to the grave. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I don’t know much about the complexities of life, but I know this, that I don’t want to die with dreams and plans that I never executed. So I’m taking steps each day to ensure that I die empty, having done what the Lord placed me on earth to do.

Live-Full.-Die-Empty.-Success-Daily-Reminder-khairilsianipar

I am not alone! This is truth that I’ve had to remind myself over and over when in the depths of grief. Over the years I have realized that love is a doing word. It’s more than just an emotion or a phrase that is tossed around. It is an action. Love is present and not passive. God has been there.

I can attest to the fact that God’s love has carried me. My daily prayer is that I will understand His love, continually experience it and be made complete with the fullness of life and power that comes from Him.

Ephesians 3:18-19 New Living Translation (NLT)

18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

I”m currently listening to this song on replay. It’s my declaration.

6 years later, I say  Thank you Jesus for your love. Siyabonga. You know the depths of my heart, where it aches and longs, and I know that You are there. Right there in the stillness; and your peace and joy will replace the sadness that ebbs and flows.

He is the Father to the fatherless! My God. He is faithful. Forever.

Today I celebrate life! #DKM

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

I Need You!

I never thought that I’d enjoy my own company, I was so used to being around people and having a community was a comfort zone. I highly suspect that I learned this from my mum, she’s had a good circle of friends for many years. Then I had to learn how to survive without too many people. I’ve come a mighty long way, ask my husband 🙂 I can now hang out by myself, and actually enjoy it.

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My last trip to the ocean was very contemplative. I walked right into the water as the girls played with sand and begun to pray. I prayed that God would help me a better wife and mother. Writer. Then after I rumbled about each of these roles, I prayed that I would be who He created me to be. It came after all the explanations.

As I shared with hubs about our swim in the ocean, my prayer time and thoughts on life, he said that if I am the woman God created me to be, all these other things and roles will fall right into place. I walked away in silence, not in a rude ‘huff and puff’ manner, but one that said, ‘Selah, I’ma just go to my corner and think about all of that truth’.

It’s so easy to get absorbed by the roles that I play, so busy doing and forget about being. Even as life is getting busier, I realize the importance of pausing and seeking His face. Our eyes must remain on Him, not easily distracted by the fleeting things of this world. Our hearts must remain stayed on Him. Our faith in Him. He alone is God. We need Him on good days as much as we need Him on bad days.

I’ve been singing this song for the past couple of weeks. It’s been my daily declaration that I need God. I need Him.

Where will I go without, Your hand holding me
And How could I live without You I can’t see
Lord, what will I do with Life where will I go
How would I handle things All that I know
Cos’ I Fail, Again

I Fall, I Fall so short, so short
You Know, You know my End Lord
From the start, You know my heart
I Need You

Life happens. Seasons change. But the fact remains, I need you.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Now I Can Confirm That It Gets Better

I used to dislike Mondays, to the extent that I’d make no plans. Monday was set aside to recover from the weekend. I’d warm up into the day, and be on airplane mode during the day, awake but unable to do some things.

My girls on the other hand, did not get the Monday memo, so they’d wake up raring to go into the new week. In retrospect, my energy or lack thereof must’ve been such a wet blanket. For instance today, Miss K is painting some shells that we picked up last week, then we’ll use them to make a shaker, then we’ll make some music and sing with her teddies. Perfect plan, if you asked me.

The last couple of days I have just been in awe of God. I’ve been in a good space, a few weeks ago, it was a very different narrative. I was in a dark hole; the mummy hole. As I’ve done different things over the past weeks, I’ve seen God’s hand. There’s been a desire to work, energy to see it through, a genuine smile and a hearty laugh as I related with the girls.

Today, I’m looking forward to making some music with the girls as I teach them about Miriam. Mine will be a song of praise because the Lord has done it for me. This is my testimony:

psalm 59-16-17

I want to know this verse by heart, that I will declare it each and every day.

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if, when, where or how it’d get better. But now I can confirm that it does. There’s no darkness so dark that His light can’t illuminate, no hole too deep that He can’t lift you out of, no bondage too strong that He can’t rescue you from. There is no situation that is too difficult for Him.

Have a blessed week, friends.

Bibi2be

 

 

 

 

Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus Part 2

I’m back with good news 🙂

Mid last year I posted about my struggle to find a place to fellowship with the girls. It got to place that I stopped struggling and decided to sit at home, also because I didn’t hear back from anyone in Mombasa.

Earlier this year, the desire to search again was reignited, so we started hunting again, but we didn’t quite find a fit for our ‘not yet three’ year old. When I was on the verge of giving up again, I prayed and told God that I would try once more and if it didn’t work out (read: I didn’t find a good fit), I was taking a(nother) long break. I wanted a sign that this was where we were supposed to be.

But God, answers prayers and He directs our paths ( if we let Him). When I went to this church, the person who greeted me said exactly what I had been asking the Lord. It later turned out that we were each other’s answer to prayer. I am in awe of the Lord we serve. I was reminded to remain obedient and allow the Lord to order my steps for the glory of His name. If we remain fluid, He will channel us where we need to go.
prov 21I don’t know how long we’ll be here and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to live in the season and learn and grow where I am. Children’s Ministry here I come. Through this all I can see His hand, I know that through pregnancy and motherhood, God changed me. He gave me a heart for children. Who would’ve thought I’d be writing children’s books or even serving with Children.

 

Here’s to an unknown adventure with a known God.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

 

 

Morning Reflections: Remain Fluid, Always

The ocean is my happy place. When I moved to Mombasa, I used to wonder how and why the people who lived here didn’t frequent the ocean. Then I got comfortable, became one of ‘them’, my ‘let’s go to the ocean’ plans became sparse. I guess after a few months, it became the norm, sort of like Uhuru park 🙂

Yesterday morning, I went for a walk on the beach and I was just so blown away. It was so nostalgic! Reminded me of the love that I had for God when I moved to Mombasa. Please don’t get me wrong, I still love Jesus. Though life was different then. But I was reminded to remain fluid regardless of the season in life. To always be available for the Spirit of the Lord to blow me in the direction that he pleases. Having the waves crash at my feet was an example of what He can do with a fluid heart.

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I left so recharged and in awe of God. I kept singing this song.

Oh that I will search for Him and find Him, everyday, in the big things and the little things.

We serve a big God!! He deserves all of our praise. May our life songs sing to Him.  Standing by the ocean humbled me. My response was YES! Yes, I will go where you send me, even across the fence, the nations and oceans. Obedience begins where I’m at, it’s not a destination but a state of being.

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Here’s to many more walks by the ocean, many refreshing reflections and an irresistible love for Jesus that oozes into every part of my life.

Remain Fluid, Always!

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Children: They Keep Me on My Toes And Remind Me To Remain On My Knees

Hello 🙂

I’ve been a little scarce on these streets. It’s Endometriosis Awareness Month, I’ve been writing more regularly on my other blog Yellow Endo Flower, sharing about living with Endometriosis in Kenya.

As I’ve written this month, I’ve been thankful. My little girls are a breath of fresh air, full of joy. They keep me on my toes, but also remind me to remain on my knees; to have a thankful heart and keep crying out to God, because there is nothing too difficult for Him. Oh there is nothing too difficult for the Lord.

Jer 32;27

I was sharing with hubby a few days ago about how I need to ask the Lord for forgiveness, because sometimes I know that He can do all things. But other times, I doubt Him. Yet He is God! Omniscient, Omnipresent and Omnipotent. He is God. Oh how I need to surrender, seek His will and trust His heart.

As Ksena and Kyria entertain me as I write, I am reminded that there is nothing too hard for the Lord. He is God. There is no situation too difficult for Him. These girls are my reminder that He is healer. Not even Endometriosis could stand in His way. There is no mountain too big for Him. So we put our trust in Him.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 New Living Translation (NLT)

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
    and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
    with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
    or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
    and they never stop producing fruit.

I say Praise be to the Lord. There is nothing too difficult for Him. Don’t give up on Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Don’t Give Up! You Can Do It.

“I can’t do it!” she exclaimed in sheer frustration.

At that moment I run to the bathroom and found her sitting on her potty, upset, saying over and over, “I can’t do it.”

As I stood at the door, A myriad of emotions flooded my heart. I was sad that the negative self talk voice was at work. I mean she is only two, don’t little humans get a bit more time without having to fight the other voices? I was determined to let her know that indeed she can and she will.

I hugged her and reassured her that she can do it and she will do it. I reminded her a simple truth, that she can do all things through Christ who strengthens her.

This happened at a time when I had been reading about Moses and I could really relate with him. The negative voice had told him that he was not skilled enough to speak to Pharaoh.

Exodus 4:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

God’s response showed Moses God’s power.

Exodus 4:11 New Living Translation (NLT)

11 Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord?

When I AM sends you, go, He is behind you and He knows it can be done.

Our memory verse for the season is:

phil4-13

The good news is since that day, she has been able to use the potty and we have celebrated her effort. Potty training is a work in progress, like everything in life. Sometimes we get it right, other times we don’t, but all in all, we stay the course, and choose not to give up. We celebrate ourselves because we can, and we will.

What is it that you’ve been telling yourself that you can’t do? What have you been holding yourself back from doing? Today, I urge you to examine it according to the word of God and hear what He says. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Blessings,

Bibi2be