Where The Skies Are Grey

Today is a good day.

The last couple have been hard; difficult; a blur. The post baby blues have felt closer to navy blue, scratch that black. Pitch black. A big black hole, that I just couldn’t get out of. I’m not new to these dark shades, but what they encompassed these last couple of days, I was not ready for. They have shown me just how dark, dark can be. I was breaking, drowning on dry land. In a sea of sadness and loneliness. The saddest part, is drowning when you so badly want to and need to stay afloat. Struggling not to cry, battling anger, watching your appetite and milk supply diminish. Physically fine but running on Empty.

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It’s hard not having a support system. God has blessed me with a great friend in my husband, he is a star! But there is only so much that He can do and be for me. I have grieved not having the support I would like, and then found comfort in the Lord. Because what else is there to do, but accept that this is a season, as you pray that it gets easier.

Psalm 119 has been such a comfort for me the last couple of days. And this song, is the anthem of my heart.

Out of the mist I have seen His hand.

Today is a better day. I’ve smiled from the depths of my heart, I have made it to the gym. I have done something for myself. I am writing; this is huge, I’ve struggled to write three lines in my journal, the dashboard of this blog has gathered some dust.

Miss Ky is 3 months, I’m all set to celebrate this far that the Lord has brought us. She is watching me write this, encouraging me with her smiles. I am grateful for the journey that is motherhood. Even on the days that I struggle, I know that these girls are blessings from above. They are not to blame for the complexities of my emotions. After all is said and done, It is well; and when it’s not, we hold on to the hope that it shall be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Loved. I Prayed. I Lost. But Still I Hope.

I loved.

I prayed.

I lost

But stiIl, I hope and trust.

Depression is real. It’s not a figment of one’s imagination or an extended monday blue session. It’s real, alive and it consumes one on the inside.

Having had a front row seat to witness the effects and realities of depression, I know how real, dark and hopeless it can be.

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You see, as a child, I had no idea what was going on with my dad but I knew something was off. This invisible, anonymous thing was robbing my family and I of joy. And so I prayed for him for 14 years. In the beginning I was naive. As I grew up, I understood more and the more I understood the less I really did. I quickly realized that I couldn’t rationalize depression. That it was dark, cold and lonely.

It was beyond my control.

So I had to let it be. Though for years I felt like I should have done more.

Been more.

Prayed more.

I prayed, ever so fervently yet I still lost him. Since then, I have lost other people to depression and I have had even more questions. I’d love to say that death has lost its sting, but sometimes the reality of death stings my heart, especially when it seems so premature.

What my little heart struggles with most now, is seeing other people walk down this road and knowing that God doesn’t always answer prayers as we’d desire. It was initially difficult to be honest with myself and say that I was disappointed, that my prayer wasn’t answered as I’d hoped. And a part of me was almost scared to pray for this again, to walk this road again. Because I know how it can end. A part of me has been afraid to pray as fervently, to believe against all odds, that one can conquer it. But quite recently I was reminded that God is faithful and able regardless of my story. His strength and grace are not determined by what happened, He is God and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I do pray that I will always remember that prayer changes things and I will always keep hope alive even in the darkest of days.

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If you have someone close to you struggling with depression, keep praying, keep believing and keep trusting. We don’t know how tomorrow will be, if they will beat this thing or not, but we do know that we have today, to love and live as best as we can. I pray that you both will experience the hand and heart of God.

If you are struggling with depression and feel as thought you are drowning in a sea of darkness and hopelessness, I earnestly pray that the Lord who calmed the storm in Luke 8 will be close to you. That He, in His own time, will calm the storm and lead you out, where feet may fail. That He will help you to walk upon the waters, those very waters that have threatened to swallow you alive.

To those struggling and those loving the ones who are, lots of love, grace and peace to you ❤

Blessings,

Bibi2be

The Rotten Avocado

Growing up, we had a huge Avocado tree in our backyard. There wasn’t much to say about it when the fruits were not in season, I mean there were no flowers. It was just a big green tree. When Avocados were in season, it was a different story.

That’s when I found out that an Avocado can be a meal on it’s own with salt (more like snack), an accompaniment, a spread and a dip. Basically, Avocado could be whatever you liked. We were always reminded that it had a good type of fat. Naturally, at the beginning of the season they all tasted lovely, the tail end of the season was full of mixed feelings. Some were good, some were not.

Avocado slices

courtesy:wwwglutenfreegigi.com

This year, I have enjoyed Avocado season. Yesterday morning, I had set my eyes on Avocado in the house, only to come and find it was gone. There are no dibs on Avo in our home 🙂 . I quickly sent for another one and was happy to find one that was ripe enough to eat yesterday. My Avocado buying experience has taught me that if the shop keeper says it’s for the day, it’s for tomorrow. If they sell you an Avocado that is for the said day, all it will be good for is a smoothie or deep conditioning treatment. Leave it in the heat for a couple of hours, and it’s uses change dramatically.

So cue music, I was all happy and ready to make my salad with Avo, when I cut into it and it was rotten. *Dramatic pause* I was so disappointed.  None of it could be salvaged, there was more black than green. More sadness than glee. I contemplated it’s other uses, but quickly came to terms with the fact that this one would have to see the bin.

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Now a little history about yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. One of those days where I cried before 10am. I was glass eyed for the better part of the day. And then, I spilled a packet of milk. It was an accident that made me more frustrated, then I found myself saying it is useless to cry over spilt milk. But all I wanted is to have my breakfast in peace. By the time I was done cleaning, my tea was warm. I like my tea hot. Clearly I woke up on the weepy side of bed, and all that I wanted was a good cry and then everything would be okay. I don’t underestimate the power of tears. They bring relief. Well unless, you have a toddler whose crying over every little thing, then, tears bring frustration. It builds slowly.

In the midst of it all, I was making tentative conclusive statements about life. Yup, one bad day, was suddenly shedding light on all my days. As I wrapped the Avocado in paper, I realized that I didn’t hate Avocados just because of that one rotten one. And I wasn’t going to not look for one tomorrow (today) because this one was rotten. Once I wrapped it up in the bag, and discarded it, it was over.

And that’s exactly how I ought to look at life. Some days are harder than others, but I shouldn’t let the hard days define the other days. I’ll save the moments of deep thought and conclusive statements for the days that I laugh till my ribs ache.

Here’s to Avocados, the tasty and the rotten; here’s to living and somehow praising through the good days and bad while trusting God’s promises.

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The rotten Avocado should not be the brand ambassador for Avocados. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

I Found Peace

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I struggle to hear these words in the face of adversity. All I want to scream back is  ”it is NOT well right now”.

You can imagine how many ‘it is wells’ I heard after dad died. I knew one day it would be well, but right there and then, life was many things apart from well. I needed space to feel the emotions but constantly received the ‘Be strong for….’ advice. So here I was stuck in between it not being well and exuding strength I lacked.  Quite a difficult balance to strike.

It’s easy to get sucked up in being strong for others and forget that you need to feel the emotions and be once in a while. Just because you hide the emotions does not mean that they are not there. One day they will come closer to the surface and you will be forced to deal with them (or stuff them deeper and repeat the cycle).

I’d found a way to be strong, I would avoid all conversations that required being real. So I literally avoided Peter, I’d want to be in the same space with him but avoid him. It’s quite ridiculous looking back, but he persevered.  Thank you ❤

A few weeks after the burial, I got to do something for myself, I went on a short road trip to a near by lake. Lake Oloiden.

There I made peace with myself, God and my dad.

I forgave myself for the things I thought I could have done or said better. Such sweet release. I felt free.

I was able to forgive my dad for leaving the way he did. I wept tears of bitterness, hurt, disappointment.  Forgiveness was necessary for me to move forward. Peace engulfed my heart.

I asked God to embrace me and comfort me. I released my negative emotions regarding the whole situation, God not saving him as I thought He would. I asked for His forgiveness. Then I received peace. Not as the world gives. His peace, His divinely sweet peace.

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I asked the Lord to be my father. I had just lost my physical representation of a father and there was a huge gap in my heart, in my life. This begun a beautiful adventure in my walk with Him. One of total surrender. Oh how I wish I had known Him as my ultimate father in every sense of the word when dad was alive. God is my father.

Dad’s death shook me to the core. It made me question many things including my existence and identity. But God. God SPOKE to me and LOVED on me. I am whole, I am loved, I am His.

After finding peace, I knew this is right where I wanted to get married. The scenery and presence were exactly what I wanted surrounding us as we exchanged our vows. He was there.

What is causing your heart turmoil?  Get away, lay your emotions on the table, take them to the cross and make peace with yourself, God and other parties involved.  The bitterness and unforgiveness could be what is holding your from living your best life now.

Have a blessed week ahead,

Bibi2be

It No Longer Holds Power Over Me

‘It no longer holds power over me!!’

I have longed to say these words out loud and actually mean them from bottom of my heart for such a long time.

Five years ago, I was crippled by fear and the voices in my head paralyzed me. As the days have gone by, I have realized that what I perceived as my reality was a very skewed version of the truth.

The Perfect Light

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I was watching Pingu with Ksena two night ago, it’s a favorite in our household. It has many life lessons.

In this episode, Pingu and his sibling were scared of a shadow. What it looked like and what it was in real life were world’s apart. However, the fear, anxiety and confusion were very real and tangible. They were terrified, they couldn’t sleep, their peace was gone.

When insufficient light hits an object it skews how it appears in real life.

When God’s perfect light fails to hit a life experience it skews how it appears. As I have processed death, depression, suicide and grief on inadequate light for years, I have picked up baggage that was never mine to deal with. I have been paralyzed by fear and crippled by shame and guilt. Feeling like I was responsible for his decision, yet I wasn’t. I have literally fed myself self defeating lies that have robbed me of the experience of fullness of life. For too long, the story of depression and suicide held power over me. But, as I begun to ask God to show me His truth, reveal His version, I have found freedom. Freedom to be all that God created me to be. Freedom to love and laugh, freedom to dream and forgive myself. Freedom to speak up and encourage others who have been crippled and paralyzed by fear.

I have found my feet again. I can confidently say that IT NO LONGER HOLDS POWER OVER ME. Hallelujah !!!! 🙂

My prayer is that you will see everything that has terrified you in the dark in the perfect light of Christ. That the things that have held you captive for weeks, will be revealed to you from God’s perspective of truth. That you may experience freedom and life in abundance. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

5 Years On: Grief. Acceptance. Life

First off, THERE IS A GOD!!!

I would not be here without Him. I literally owe all that I am to Him. He lifted me from the depths of the grave, revived the dead parts of my being, gave me His peace and fiercely loved on me.

Jesus, I want the whole world to know that you are my God. You did it for me.

This is one of those posts that is extremely close to my heart. Five years ago, my world came to stand still. I experienced heart break, pain that I can’t quantify. My world as I knew it forever changed. It changed me, it killed a part of me but the Lord revived me.

Grief

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16th April 2011, the reality of depression that had been looming for years finally set a definitive mark. My dad committed suicide. My world stopped. This was never part of the plan (or list of possible scenarios) but it became my reality. My cup to bear. My world shattered into a million little pieces.

This was an unanswered prayer gone wrong. Images of his lifeless body replayed in my mind for a long time.

For months, I oscillated between numbness and feeling too intensely that I thought I would die. I literally thought that the grief would consume me. For a moment there, it did.

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I was angry, disappointed, ashamed (you don’t realize how much stigma comes with suicide.) Sometimes the loudest condemning voices come from within. I felt like I had failed to save him. I should have seen it coming. Here I was pursuing a degree in Psychology yet I wasn’t able to intervene.

Acceptance

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I can sing, I can smile, I’m alive. Things are not the same but it’s okay.

I’m so humbled that God has given me precious souls to walk this journey called life with.

My husband, Peter, remains one of my greatest support systems. He has been a rock. For months he held me as fear, grief and a myriad of emotions made their way out of my system through tears. I would shake, it was a cry from my toes because my belly was not far enough. Grief had touched every fibre of me. It had wrecked me. But God healed me.

My oldest friend, Natasha, has been invaluable. She has understood triggers that make me sad and always reaches out, 5 years on. She understood it was more than just an event, it was a life changing one. She is a friend, sister and angel that God sent my way to remind me of His love.

My mum has held down the fort the last five years and been strong for everyone. Her strength and faith continue to amaze me. Her life is a testimony that there is a God and He holds all things together. When we are weak, He is strong and He commands His angels to carry us and guards us as the apple of His eye.

There are several other people whose support has been invaluable. God smiled on me when He placed them in my life. I can’t thank Him enough.

Life

Life-Goes

Life has gone on.

Watching  Peter play with Ksena has really made me miss dad. There are so many days I have wondered how he would have played with her. How our relationship would have been. But, I also know that he found rest. I say this carefully, but after watching depression eat him alive for tens of years, I do realize that there is nothing more that I could have done. I prayed, I encouraged, I hoped but the end came sooner than I anticipated in a way I would never have imagined. Depression and suicide are not fully understood. It’s easy to judge when it’s not hit close to home. When it is a reality it makes you question the things that you believe and whether you are really at peace.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the Lord will comfort you and strengthen you.

For those experiencing depression and thoughts of suicide.  I pray that the Lord will minister to you at this very moment, that He will speak to you, revive you and save you. May He surround you with angels to walk this journey with.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Mummy Blues And The Deep Blue Sea

Every so often, I am asked the question, ”How is motherhood treating you?” my answer is usually, ”I am enjoying it now more than ever.”

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I have grown to love and enjoy motherhood more. My perspective has changed along the way. I have also changed physically and emotionally along the way.

I had a great pregnancy. I never threw up, my main side effect was, I was sleepy all the time. Eating made me tired. Whoever said that making human was easy, definitely lied.

The symptom that crept up on me along the way was depression. When I gave birth, it hit me HARD. You don’t realize how powerful hormones are until they are imbalanced and you are at their mercy. When no amount of pep talks are enough to get you into a good mood, you realize that there could be more to this than meets the eye.

I became what I feared most

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Growing up, I used to get really bummed out when my dad said we couldn’t go somewhere because he was resting. I was too young to figure out what was going on, but in hindsight, I realize that the older I became, the more severe the depression became. When I could understand what was going on, I promised myself that I would not be a depressed parent, because I have seen and experienced what depression can do first hand.

I have struggled with the blues and front door syndrome in the past year or two. It hit me a couple of months ago that I had become what I feared most, a depressed withdrawn mama. Drowning in the deep blue sea of depression. I hid behind various labels ‘ front door syndrome’, ‘reserved’…but at the end of the day, whatever name I chose to give it, it was affecting my role in the home. It didn’t seem like a big deal until I noticed that my little girl was actually being affected by my reluctance to leave the house and do anything fun. She loves to leave the house and she relies on us to take her out. Her daddy loves to take her out, and she knows it.My heart breaks looking back at all our missed opportunities.

A couple of months ago, I started making active steps to not remain stuck in the deep blue sea. I asked my husband to pray with me and encourage me. I begun to ask God to rescue me.

I am definitely not where I used to be. Sometimes it takes me four hours to leave the house, but I celebrate the fact that I actually left. This is such progress, previously my husband would find me all dressed at the door and watched me change my mind after hours of psyching up.

This is my testimony:

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.

He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.

Psalm 18:16,19 NLT

I was drowning in the deep waters. In the depths of sadness and hopelessness; I believed several lies and cried many tears. But GOD, He rescued me. He has led me to a place of safety and loved on me. I am in AWE of who He is. He has filled me with hope and peace.

Though I am not where I need to be, I am definitely not where I used to be. I am enjoying making memories and seeing God’s redeeming love at work in my life and my home. We just came from baby swimming, it’s been amazing watching Ksena become more confident in the water. Today she was kicking under water, we have come a mighty long way. Her milestones are my milestones. They have shown me that when we step out of our comfort zone and let God lead us to waters unknown, we will see a side of Him and ourselves that we never knew. We will experience joy and peace from above. We will be everything that He created us to be.

If you are a mummy who would like someone to talk to, send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com.

Have a lovely day,

Blessings!

Bibi2be