On Second Thought, Don’t Put Me Down

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and chuckle. It’s evident how much I’ve changed the last two years, physically I look more or less the same. Emotionally and mentally, I am a different person.  How calm I am is a testimony if God’s grace. I see the difference between Ess as a first time mum and Ess as a second time mum.

As my mama puts it, experience is the best teacher. My experience of being a mum has come with perspective. And perspective makes all the difference. It informs my decision on how to spend my energy, which moments to savor and what to be anxious about (read: commit to the Lord in prayer as I await His peace).

I know how fast the days pass by. I know that one day I will sleep, one day baby will sleep through the night. Do I hear a hallelujah? You my dear friends may need to remind me this a few months from now. This too shall come to pass.

Speaking of hallelujah, my household has this song on repeat. It calms Miss K and Miss Ky down. Hallelujah!

Perspective has helped me be more present in the now. I’ve made a deliberate decision to enjoy the season.

When I had Miss K I started ‘Lessons from my daughter’ . It looks like it’s time to add ‘s’ to daughter, because Miss Ky is making her debut today.

When she was born, she was a trusting little human being. You could hold her with one hand and she wouldn’t know the difference. About a week ago, it all changed. All of a sudden, she was aware of the fact that she was being put down and to top it up, she was weary of being put down. Rather the process. She was grasping for something to hold.

It is important to note that the hands holding her hadn’t changed. The surface she was being placed on remained constant, but she’d changed. She was more aware, and the ‘hold on for dear life’ reflex was activated.

This lesson floored me. God used Ky to show me that fear comes from within. When I feel afraid and weary of being put down, and the times I even feel let down; I need to remember that His hand has not changed. His love and plans for me remain constant.

His hand, love and heart never change. I am still safe in His hands. He knit me in my mamas womb. He has been upholding me for much longer than I can remember. He can be trusted. He is faithful.

Are you feeling afraid? Weary of being placed down or let down? Remember that God remains the same. His hand and His heart are still for you. He loves you with an everlasting love.

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Isaiah 41:10 has a new meaning for me. I was upheld and He still upholds me.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Look Whooos Here :) Our Quiver And The Hand Of God

I have seen the hand of the Lord!!

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, replaying the last one week in my mind and I can’t help but stand in awe of God. Every fibre within me wants to give praise to His name because I am convinced without a shadow of doubt that it was Him who carried me through. I am here because His victorious right hand was with me.

1 Chronicles 16:8-11 New Living Translation (NLT)

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.
    Let the whole world know what he has done.
Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.
    Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.
10 Exult in his holy name;
    rejoice, you who worship the Lord.
11 Search for the Lord and for his strength;
    continually seek him.

More than a week ago, I was 39 weeks 3 days pregnant, and anxiety had flooded my whole being. I couldn’t keep still, I was cleaning, arranging and driving all around. When evening came, I begun to stall. We went out for dinner and I wasn’t in a hurry to get home. I even negotiated check in time with my doctor to be as late as possible. After settling Miss K to bed, my calloused soles became an emergency that I needed to attend to before I could be admitted. 🙂 Thank God for my patient mummy and hubby.

I finally got to hospital at 10pm on the dot. I barely slept the first night, I was too anxious, also hospitals are not hotels. How I longed for my bed and for a goodnight sleep sans the screeching trolleys in the corridors. At 4:30am, I was woken up to shower and get ready for theatre. Immediately I stirred, the Holy Spirit placed this verse in my heart.

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This verse ended up being my lifeline. I hang onto every word of it. Every. Single. Word. It was my hope. It was my promise. And I held on to it with my all.

I was fasting that morning, so I had more than enough time to twist my hair as I danced to my anthem of the day, err, week.

As I sung this song, my spirits lifted. I was convinced without a shadow of doubt that God was with me and that He had gone ahead of me. Even as I had desired a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) yet it didn’t come to pass, I knew He was Lord of it all and Lord in it all.

I’ve had 4 surgeries under general anesthesia but this time my desire was that God would allow me to be present as this little one was born. When the VBAC failed to happen, I knew that a Spinal Block was my next bet. I have heard some horror stories about life post spinal block and read the statistics of the side effects. But my heart still wanted what it wanted. To be present. To hear the little one cry. To give thanks in real time. To witness the miracle of birth, the way that He would allow.

As I was wheeled to theatre, my heart was lighter. I knew that God had gone ahead of me and was with me. I had spent a lot of time praying for the team I would find in theatre on the day, and He blew me away. The people who needed to calm my heart were there; they spoke the truth of the Lord to me, as I waited. The doctors and nurses were exactly who God needed to be there. Best of all, I knew that God was there. He was my midwife and my chief physician. As the anesthesia took it’s effect and I lay there, I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was with me, for me and in me.

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The things that troubled my heart,the anxieties that mauled my peace were put at ease when I let Him be God. I had experienced sleepless moments the last couple of weeks wondering how it would all play out, but God! God did it. That morning before the clock struck 9, Miss K was promoted to big sister as Miss Ky made her debut into the world outside the womb. I was present. I heard her cry. I prayed as tears of joy streamed down my face. My heart was at peace.

I’ll probably blog about the last couple of weeks in detail in the coming days. The fact remains that I’ve seen His hands and feet in the people around me, those who’ve prayed, consistently reached out, taken time out to just be. The righteous hand of the Lord has upheld me. He has carried me.

Now we are 4 Ks. Our quiver is fuller.

We are blessed.

We are not alone.

We have been helped.

We are strengthened.

We are upheld.

All glory, honor and majesty be to our King.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Knowing When To Let Go And When To Hold On

The one who calls me mummy turned two a few days ago.

Wow, My baby is two!!!!

What a journey it has been. I’m so grateful for all the days, the blissful one and the downright difficult ones. They make up the cocktail of life. In retrospect, the good days have been more, much more, than the days that tested and tried every fibre within me. I wouldn’t trade the journey for anything.

I’m constantly blown away when I think about just how far we’ve come. We have little conversations nowadays that leave me a little stunned and remind me that growth happens even when we aren’t really paying attention.

We started swimming about a year ago, and she has flourished. I’m so amazed. The truth is that soon she won’t need me to be close by, and she knows it. Her favourite thing is to swim under water without me holding her so she literally removes my hands from her waist as she swims. The first couple of times I was not amused but over the last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that I need to let go, and I need to know when to hold on.

Quite often, I gauge her abilities based on my experiences, but we are two different individuals. She is fearless. I pray that my different little scripts and biases (that are currently being dealt with) will not hold her back from being all that she was created to be. She enjoys jumping into the pool, soon we’ll be talking about diving 😉 The first time she did it, I held my breath and was ready to yank her out of the water, until I saw her emerge with a huge smile on her face. She knew that I would be right there when she got out.

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Here I am, learning a balancing act, in all areas of my life. Praying for the grace to know when to hold on and when to let go. In a few months, she will start school, I have a feeling that will be a whole series on it’s own. But I know to whom she belongs, she is literally just on loan to us. Oh that we may be good stewards for His glory.

I’ve been challenged by Ksena to let go a little more, trust what I have learned, jump of the cliff (in her case: edge of the pool) and do it all with a smile. When I need to psyche myself up, I do what Ksena would do, sing: “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall” then I take the leap of faith knowing that God will be right there to catch me.

Here’s to leaps of faith and growth in the journey.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Are You Opening Doors You Shouldn’t Be?

Baby videos make for some good comedy. It’s hard to go through a whole compilation video without a fit of the giggles.

Babies! God bless them. The ones I found particularly fascinating were how they climbed out of their cribs like pros.

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courtesy of youtube

This is one of the reasons we upgraded Ksena’s bed to something bigger, so that she’d have enough space to sleep and play when she wakes up;  thus reducing the temptation to test her agility.

Last week, I woke up early and decided to make pancakes. Crepes to be specific. They take way too long to cook. They are a labour of love. As I cooked, I heard some sounds coming  from the monitor and I immediately knew that miss K was up and ready to go. In fact, she was so ready she was trying to let herself out of bed without asking for help.

I heard her play with the latch, and wanted to finish cooking the pancake on the pan then I could wash my hands and pick her. Picking her up allows me to ask her how her night was and it gives us an opportunity to pray for the day. If I allowed her to walk out on her own, she’d probably find things to do before she reached the door.

When I got to the door, she heard my footsteps and run back to where her pillow was and smiled with her eyes closed. She knew that she was pushing the boundary. Instead of taking matters in to her own hands she should have called out and I’d have been there to pick her. We’ve never failed to pick her, so she has no reason to believe that we wont. Though, she is also growing and wanting to do more things for herself. We bless God for the milestones, and pray that she’ll know where to draw the line.

As I thought of what to tell her, I realized that many times I act in the same way. I start opening latches to exit the place that the Lord has placed me for my own good. Yet, I have ample space to do and be all that He desires me to do and be.

As I’m writing this, I’ve heard her shout out, ‘I need help! Please help!’. Oh, that I too may know when and whom to ask for help. And I may trust God’s timing and plan because it is perfect.

Have you been opening doors that you shouldn’t be?

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Call out to the Lord for help, even when you think that you’ve got it all figured out. He is faithful and He has good plans for us.

God bless you.

Have a lovely week ahead.

Bibi2be

 

They Call Me Pretty Lady

Third person.

Ksena talks in third person a lot now.

She is able to piece parts of conversations together. A few days ago, hubs was telling me about chicken that died. Ksena knows the friend and the said chicken. After we finished talking, she stopped playing and asked ‘what is died?’. Let’s just say I had not seen that coming. I’ll write how that conversation went in another post.

A week ago, we went out and we took a selfie. When I showed her the picture, she said ” mummy and pretty lady”. I smiled 😉 we’ve called her pretty lady since she was several weeks old. It’s a name that has stuck through the different seasons.

She knows her name is Ksena. But when she looked at the picture she saw Pretty lady.

We do have other names that complement more than her physical attributes :). This is one of the reminders that she is always listening, internalizing what we say. The way we raise her shapes how she sees herself and the world around her.

She knows that she is royalty, a daughter of the King of Kings.

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Oh that we will always remind her who she is and the greatness that is within her.

When I looked at the picture, I saw a mother and her daughter. A woman in between two worlds.

I pray that I will always see myself as God sees me. That every time I look at my reflection or image I will hear His truth echo in my heart. Daughter of the most High. Precious. His beloved…I could go on and on.

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you call yourself what God calls you or do the labels you have gotten over the years take the day?

For those with children, what do you call them over and above their names?

This week put a picture of yourself somewhere you can see it often, every time you see it, call yourself what God calls you. Then watch this truth transform your heart; the way that you think.

Blessings.

Have a lovely week.

Bibi2be

Broken Telephone: Shattered Screens and Realized Dreams

Tuesday 27th September 2016

The following events take place between 3:26am and 6:26am

3:26am

I wake up to check the monitor and realize that I need to adjust something in Miss K’s room. As I get up, I notice that my phone is low on charge, and decide to charge it on the other side of the room. As I bend and look for the cable, the phone falls, lands on the floor screen first and the screen shatters.

I say to myself, “What a start to a day!” Wait? Does 3:27am even count as a start to my day? It’s more like an intermission. I was planning on running back to bed and sleeping. I start to wonder if I really needed to charge my phone at that time. Thoughts of regret course through my mind. I’ve been here before, not so long ago actually. It was such a long process to get a new screen the last time, due to unavailability of screens in Mombasa. In Nairobi, it was only one guy who had it. I found him after weeks of searching. Sigh.

3:40am

I have thought about it long enough and the conclusion is the same; what’s done is done. So I pick up my bible and prayer books and head to the sitting room. After all, hubby usually says that if you wake up at 3am, it’s time to pray.

3:45am

It is such an inconvenient time for my phone to break. Yes, I’m still on this vibe, now I’ve just decided to tell God how disappointed I am. But there is only so much crying over spilt milk one can do, so I let that be and start to read God’s word. I start with 2nd Thessalonians and finish with 1st Thessalonians. In the process, my heart is left encouraged. Nowhere does it mention broken screens 🙂 but I know that there is more to life than the comfort of intact screens.

4:30am

I might as well write now that I am fully awake. I have been meaning to put together a work book that will help me teach Ksena shapes, letters, numbers, sizes, and God’s truth as we craft and sing. So I start writing, rather, I start drawing and it begins to flow.

By now, I am no longer sleepy. Though I know this sleep will catch up with me later in the day. At least I will have something to show for it.

I pour myself a cup of tea and continue writing. The satisfaction and joy builds in my heart with every sip I take and every letter I type.

6:00am

The book is almost done and I realize WOW!!! I love to teach this little girl and I would love to teach other children God’s truth. My desire to have a bible study here in Mombasa has not quite taken off, but this book can help other mums teach their children and have fun while at it.

6:10am

I should try get an hour of sleep, but first, I decide to write this blog post to be published later.

My heart is full. This workbook is one of my writing and teaching dreams on paper. It will help me to be intentional about teaching Ksena. Also, I love the fact that it integrates God’s truth with the basic things of life. It’s simple and fun. It’s intentional. This book has four lessons, you can spread each lesson over a week, so it should last you a month. Book 2 is already running through my mind.

I want to upload it on this blog so that people can download it. I am not quite sure how to do that just yet, but I am sure I will find a way. If you’d like to help out in this little project, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com .

If you would like to receive this book via email when I’m done with it this week, please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and I will send you a copy.

Would I have woken up to write without my screen breaking? Let’s just say that sometimes God gets our attention loud and clear. I’ve been playing broken telephone for a long time, regarding this and other projects. Looks like this time the phone actually broke.

Here’s to keeping screens intact longer, heeding the Lord’s call and executing the dream.

6:26am

I finally sprint to bed for that extra hour of sleep. A bitter sweet start to the day, but I’m definitely dwelling on the sweet part.

Have a blessed day,

Bibi2be

 

Motherhood: Sleep Deprivation, Lovies and Shepherds

Before I had a baby, I was convinced that I couldn’t survive with less than 6 hours of continuous sleep. All of my friends knew that I was the first one to fall asleep at sleepovers. It was my thing. Even now, when I do stay up they can’t hide their shock as they wonder how I am still up past 10pm. Motherhood changes people. It changed me.

The first couple of weeks of being a mum I was sure I was dying slowly. The sleep deprivation shook me at the core. I was so exhausted and I struggled to see past the first few days. It seemed obvious to me that I wouldn’t make it, but almost 2 years down the line, I’m happy to report that my heart is still beating, I am breathing and sleeping through the night. I really feel like there should be some ululations after ‘and sleeping through the night’.

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Ksena slept well after the longest weeks of colic up until she hit the fourth month sleep regression. After that, it was pure chaos. I didn’t think it would ever end. She went from sleeping through the night to waking up every two hours. Sleep training was not working and my grace was decreasing. It was tough. By the time she was one year she still wasn’t sleeping through the night. Conversations with fellow mums were even more discouraging.

But God!!!

He came through. He answered our prayers and blew us all away. Once we stopped breastfeeding she started sleeping through the night. My body was in shock. It had forgotten how sleeping all night felt or worked.

After a few days of sleeping through the night, I was literally walking on sunshine. I was a new person. Praise be to God.

Motherhood changes you. A few days ago as I spoke to my sister, she interjected that ‘there is nothing that doesn’t change’. In my mother tongue, there is a finality around that statement. Things that we believed would never change, end up changing. As we spoke, I agreed with her, and the conversation remained in my memory until last night.

A few months ago, a dear friend gave Ksena a lovie. Everyone, meet Mary Lamb. Yes, her name is a shortened version of the song ‘Mary had a little lamb’.img_20160923_095937

Yesterday as I prepared Ksena’s bottle. She walked around with Mary Lamb. She held her in a very affectionate manner and at that time no one could take Mary Lamb away from her.

It hit me that there is something about a sheep and her shepherd. The shepherd knows the true value of the sheep and looks at her lovingly. Watching them together reminded me that Jesus loves His sheep(me, us) so much.

And this is the one thing that doesn’t change. God’s love.

Romans 5:8 New Living Translation (NLT)But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

Mary Lamb is a beautiful white as long as she doesn’t leave the bed. When she does, we start planning for her to be washed early so she dries in good time. We, God’s children, are just like Mary Lamb, if we stay in the confines of God’s plan we remain clean(er). Even on our best days, we are still sinners. His blood that was shed at calvary is what makes as white as snow.

  1. What can wash away my sin?
    Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
    What can make me whole again?
    Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

    • Refrain:
      Oh! precious is the flow
      That makes me white as snow;
      No other fount I know,
      Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

You can find the rest of the lyrics here.

There is something about a lamb and her shepherd.

Blessings,

Bibi2be