I struggle to hear these words in the face of adversity. All I want to scream back is ”it is NOT well right now”.
You can imagine how many ‘it is wells’ I heard after dad died. I knew one day it would be well, but right there and then, life was many things apart from well. I needed space to feel the emotions but constantly received the ‘Be strong for….’ advice. So here I was stuck in between it not being well and exuding strength I lacked. Quite a difficult balance to strike.
It’s easy to get sucked up in being strong for others and forget that you need to feel the emotions and be once in a while. Just because you hide the emotions does not mean that they are not there. One day they will come closer to the surface and you will be forced to deal with them (or stuff them deeper and repeat the cycle).
I’d found a way to be strong, I would avoid all conversations that required being real. So I literally avoided Peter, I’d want to be in the same space with him but avoid him. It’s quite ridiculous looking back, but he persevered. Thank you ❤
A few weeks after the burial, I got to do something for myself, I went on a short road trip to a near by lake. Lake Oloiden.
There I made peace with myself, God and my dad.
I forgave myself for the things I thought I could have done or said better. Such sweet release. I felt free.
I was able to forgive my dad for leaving the way he did. I wept tears of bitterness, hurt, disappointment. Forgiveness was necessary for me to move forward. Peace engulfed my heart.
I asked God to embrace me and comfort me. I released my negative emotions regarding the whole situation, God not saving him as I thought He would. I asked for His forgiveness. Then I received peace. Not as the world gives. His peace, His divinely sweet peace.
I asked the Lord to be my father. I had just lost my physical representation of a father and there was a huge gap in my heart, in my life. This begun a beautiful adventure in my walk with Him. One of total surrender. Oh how I wish I had known Him as my ultimate father in every sense of the word when dad was alive. God is my father.
Dad’s death shook me to the core. It made me question many things including my existence and identity. But God. God SPOKE to me and LOVED on me. I am whole, I am loved, I am His.
After finding peace, I knew this is right where I wanted to get married. The scenery and presence were exactly what I wanted surrounding us as we exchanged our vows. He was there.
What is causing your heart turmoil? Get away, lay your emotions on the table, take them to the cross and make peace with yourself, God and other parties involved. The bitterness and unforgiveness could be what is holding your from living your best life now.
Have a blessed week ahead,