Drips and Crayon Fights

I smile to myself as I hear the girls fighting over crayons. A genuine happy smile, I can’t quite remember how many times I have smiled in the last couple of days.

‘My crayon!’ Ksena says as Ky runs away with the green crayon. Ky isn’t really into coloring, but she wants what Ksena has. Ksena, on the other hand, wants to color in peace but Ky would rather flip the pages of Miss K’s coloring book.

We do not encourage fighting, but it is so good to have them back to their normal selves. It’s been a tough start to 2018 with all of us unwell. We’ve seen enough of needles, drips, medication, and hospital walls for 2018. I’ve worried and prayed and experienced peace.

God made a way, that’s the only reason that I am even able to share here. Those days felt very dark and scary. I realized how much I don’t have control of, and there are a lot of things on that list. Even in the darkest moments, I draw my strength from my faith in Christ.

For those who are in the midst of a trial, I pray that God will be close to you, may you see His hand sustaining you, holding you and loving you.

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5 Years On: Grief. Acceptance. Life

First off, THERE IS A GOD!!!

I would not be here without Him. I literally owe all that I am to Him. He lifted me from the depths of the grave, revived the dead parts of my being, gave me His peace and fiercely loved on me.

Jesus, I want the whole world to know that you are my God. You did it for me.

This is one of those posts that is extremely close to my heart. Five years ago, my world came to stand still. I experienced heart break, pain that I can’t quantify. My world as I knew it forever changed. It changed me, it killed a part of me but the Lord revived me.

Grief

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16th April 2011, the reality of depression that had been looming for years finally set a definitive mark. My dad committed suicide. My world stopped. This was never part of the plan (or list of possible scenarios) but it became my reality. My cup to bear. My world shattered into a million little pieces.

This was an unanswered prayer gone wrong. Images of his lifeless body replayed in my mind for a long time.

For months, I oscillated between numbness and feeling too intensely that I thought I would die. I literally thought that the grief would consume me. For a moment there, it did.

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I was angry, disappointed, ashamed (you don’t realize how much stigma comes with suicide.) Sometimes the loudest condemning voices come from within. I felt like I had failed to save him. I should have seen it coming. Here I was pursuing a degree in Psychology yet I wasn’t able to intervene.

Acceptance

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I can sing, I can smile, I’m alive. Things are not the same but it’s okay.

I’m so humbled that God has given me precious souls to walk this journey called life with.

My husband, Peter, remains one of my greatest support systems. He has been a rock. For months he held me as fear, grief and a myriad of emotions made their way out of my system through tears. I would shake, it was a cry from my toes because my belly was not far enough. Grief had touched every fibre of me. It had wrecked me. But God healed me.

My oldest friend, Natasha, has been invaluable. She has understood triggers that make me sad and always reaches out, 5 years on. She understood it was more than just an event, it was a life changing one. She is a friend, sister and angel that God sent my way to remind me of His love.

My mum has held down the fort the last five years and been strong for everyone. Her strength and faith continue to amaze me. Her life is a testimony that there is a God and He holds all things together. When we are weak, He is strong and He commands His angels to carry us and guards us as the apple of His eye.

There are several other people whose support has been invaluable. God smiled on me when He placed them in my life. I can’t thank Him enough.

Life

Life-Goes

Life has gone on.

Watching  Peter play with Ksena has really made me miss dad. There are so many days I have wondered how he would have played with her. How our relationship would have been. But, I also know that he found rest. I say this carefully, but after watching depression eat him alive for tens of years, I do realize that there is nothing more that I could have done. I prayed, I encouraged, I hoped but the end came sooner than I anticipated in a way I would never have imagined. Depression and suicide are not fully understood. It’s easy to judge when it’s not hit close to home. When it is a reality it makes you question the things that you believe and whether you are really at peace.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the Lord will comfort you and strengthen you.

For those experiencing depression and thoughts of suicide.  I pray that the Lord will minister to you at this very moment, that He will speak to you, revive you and save you. May He surround you with angels to walk this journey with.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Endowhelmed

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This morning I was in tears. My friend turned sister was having a really rough Endo flare and being over 500 kilometers away didn’t make it any easier. I wanted to be there to rub her back and let her know that it would be okay. I know the crippling pain all to well, and, my heart breaks when I hear someone else is going through the same. For many years my hand bag was a mini pharmacy and I was a regular at the casualty of a local hospital.

Hospitals suck! They may seem interesting the first couple of visits but when you are a regular and the staff greet you by asking ” you are back again?” you realize that perhaps you need to reduce the frequency of your visits. The truth is, there is only so much pain relief you can get from over the counter drugs. Sometimes the pain is so bad that you need to spend a couple of hours in hospital getting stronger pain medication.

This morning as my friend lay in hospital, I lay in bed overwhelmed asking God so many questions. “How many more surgeries? How many more flare ups? When does it all end?” I prayed and told God the facts, the options that lay before our eyes and asked Him to show us His truth and His will.

Then He reminded me of this verse:-

the rock

He is Higher than her. He is higher than any disease that attempts to take over the body, He is higher than any scheme of the kingdom of darkness and in Him we find safety, restoration, strength and healing. He is our shelter in the midst of the Endo storm.

God is able to repay what Endometriosis has stolen from you, be it your joy, peace, opportunities, time, relationships, ability to have children etc. He is the God of restoration and children come from Him. As much as doctors talk about having a baby as if it were a magic portion that eradicates Endo, I know that it is only God who can heal Endo. Babies don’t fix things or people. If the Endo symptoms reduce after childbirth it is all by God’s grace and He deserves the glory.

I have seen and continue to see His healing power in my life. I am not where I used to be and I know that He is not done with me. He has won the victory and I know that His power cannot be measured by Endo in my life.

When you are overwhelmed by Endo, I pray that God will lead to Himself and show you His strength, healing power and faithfulness. You can rely on Him, He never changes.

To my sister and all other Endowarriors:- Receive big hugs and know that you are not alone. Even in the darkest hour His grace is sufficient. When you are weak He is strong. By His grace and for the glory of His name you will make it through.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

Sunshine after the rain #EndoNoMore

Happy New Month 🙂

March is HERE. Woop Woop.

It is a month that is very close to my heart. It is the Endometriosis Awareness Month. I was diagnosed with Endo 8 years ago and it turned my world upside down. The pain was unbearable; the emergency room was like my second home. I’ll be sharing my experience in detail in the days to come.

A couple of days ago, I had the opportunity to share my Endo story with some women and I realized that there are so many women suffering in silence. Endo is a physically painful illness but the emotional pain is what makes it even harder to deal with. This month I’d like to break the silence and stop the shame. Sometimes the shame is perceived  but most of the times it is as real and evident as a zit on your face. It may seem small to others, but when you stand in front of the mirror it seems like a little mountain is renting space on your face.

The theme colour for the month is Yellow 🙂 Endo makes life quite gloomy BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel. One day the Sun will shine.

My yellow accessory for today is my little ones shoes.

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They are my reminder that God heals Endo!! I feel like I should say that again, a little louder this time, GOD HEALS ENDO! There are rays of sunshine after the storm. Many are the days that I cried and lamented but there is nothing too difficult for God.

In Luke chapter 1, Angel Gabriel visited Elizabeth (a barren woman) and told her that she would have a child. When she was in her sixth month of pregnancy, Angel Gabriel visited her relative Mary to give her good news as well.

Luke 1:35-37 9 (NLT)

35 The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. 36 What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she has conceived a son and is now in her sixth month. 37 For the word of God will never fail.”( Some manuscripts say: For nothing is impossible with God)

Angel Gabriel told Mary that God would do something out of the ordinary for her. It would have been hard for her to believe that she would be a mother and a virgin at the same time. It does sound like something out of this world, but God displayed His power to her in Elizabeth’s life by making her barren womb conceive so that she would see that nothing is impossible for God.

To those in the thick of the Endo storm, you are not forgotten. May I be your Elizabeth, may you see through me that He is able to heal. Thought= there is no known scientific cure for Endo, our Creator is able to heal Endo and more.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! (Luke 1:45 NIV)

The sun shines after the rain. You will smile again and laugh from the bottom of your heart.

This month, encourage someone who is struggling with an aspect of Endo, be it the pain, miscarriages or infertility, let them know that our God is able.

Hugs and blessings,

Bibi2Be