Lessons From The Pit

Life is a teacher.

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This phrase came up in a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. It was so timely. It summarised exactly where I was at.

A little background, after I had Miss K, I was a walking train wreck. Things did not go according to plan, my dream of a vaginal birth ended up in ‘ I’m sorry Esther, you are still at 6 cms (8 hours later). It is Cervical Dystocia. We have to have an emergency cesarean section’. I crumbled. This. Was. Not. The. Plan. I cried ( if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you can tell that my eyes are cleansed often 😉 I was scared. Disappointed. Ready for the pain to end immediately. Because those contractions had me calling Jesus in every language I knew.

The after was difficult. She was jaundiced. She HATED phototherapy. The little incubator was called ‘Hawaii’. You go in clad in a diaper only and get a tan. Her cries woke up the other babies in the nursery. It was bad. Miss K dislikes the heat, imagine Hawaii in Mombasa. I think there were two days she spent more time out of Hawaii than in it. This mama was tired. The cries were ruining my ‘honeymoon’ phase. I couldn’t even stare into her eyes because they were bandaged. Let’s not even get into the squint that formed because the patches were letting in light ( story for another post).

I was not ready for the after. So I stopped. I stopped doing the things that I loved.

Then we discovered that she was a high need baby. Guys (she uses this word a lot now) THIS. WAS. HARD!! Wondering what a high need baby is? Check this out.

I sunk into a pit. I remember one day my husband found me wailing on the bed. I could barely speak. My world seemed grim. I was physically exhausted, mentally and spiritually drained. I had stopped living. I was merely existing. This experience of bringing forth life was draining me of life. I was dying; dead on the inside. And I didn’t know how to get out of the pit of darkness. I struggled for months on end. I had stopped writing. Stopped doing the things that made me feel alive.

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I don’t know what the days to come hold, but I know who holds me.

I’m not afraid to ask for help. If you see me slowly dashing in the supermarket (in my mind I’ll be moving at super speed, my legs may be moving much slower) know that it’s just me being proactive.

Staying indoors depresses me. So I will go out, look at the ocean. Enjoy some sunshine with the girls. I will write. I will live. By God’s grace, I will stay out of the pit. Even if it tries to draw me back, I know that God is able. It’s so easy to slip into the pit but so difficult to get out. The longer you stay inside, the deeper you sink. Only the hand of the Almighty can raise you out.

Postpartum depression is real. God’s love, grace and mercy are real too.

Here’s to applying the lessons learned in the pit. And trusting that the God who rescued us, is able to sustain us.

Say hello to Mr. Octopus, my crafting with Miss K of the day. My little reminder that I am still alive.

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For any mama going through the pit, I pray that the Lord will rescue you. May He be the fourth man, as He was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Love That Heals The Pain Within

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We are living in a time where the world is deficient of hope. Every where you turn, all you see and hear are sad stories. There are seldom any good stories. The ones that are there, seem like a drop in the ocean. In the recent past, several people have told me that they get depressed from watching the news. It may seem like a small thing that they shouldn’t take too personally, but, the news is subconsciously replayed in their minds hours and days after the bulletin.

Though we don’t see it, people are crying and dying on the inside. While physical pain has been considered the main cause of death, cases of emotional pain induced deaths are on the rise.
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A crushed spirit is difficult to bear.

Depression and suicide are things that I don’t like to write about very often, mainly because, they are very close to home. As I have processed them over the last couple of years, I have realized that what people need is love and hope. Yes, counseling, medication and conversations are important but they are not enough. A personal experience of love is necessary.

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16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. [Ephesians 3:16-19]

I wrote this poem, after many years of not writing, to try and paint a picture of emotional pain. The pain that eats people alive from within.

There’s a pain,
That echoes in the chambers of my heart.
There’s a pain,
That nobody else seems to understand.
There’s a pain,
That makes me long to be free;
There’s a pain,
That holds me back from living out my destiny.

There’s a pain,
That has whispered many lies that have become my truth.
There’s a pain,
That leaves me with only despair and depression to choose.
There’s a pain,
That robs me of my desire to live.
There’s a pain,
That drives me out options and I’ve just got to leave.

There’s a pain,
That engulfs me though I don’t show it.
There’s a pain,
That has shown me just how good I am at masking.
There’s a pain,
That churns within my soul.
There’s a pain,
That won’t give at all.

There’s a pain,
That I can’t just snap out of;
There’s a pain,
That’s not like a bad mood that I can get rid off.
There’s a pain,
That is real.
There’s a pain,
That I long to heal.

There’s a pain,
That hurts too much.
There’s a pain,
That won’t let me speak, so I remain hush.

Where’s this pain?
It is everywhere!
It starts in the heart,
Then it latches on every part that can hurt.

Do not be fooled any longer by the smile,
My heart and being are filled with so much bile.
For a very long while, I have tried to be strong,
But now I need to end it all, though I know it is wrong.

Every time you think of me, cherish our memories;
Please accept my a million ‘ I’m  Sorrys ‘.
There’s a pain,
I have tried to stay strong and hopeful, but in vain.

©2015
In memory of those who I’ve loved and have conceded defeat to this pain. Indeed,
There’s a pain,
That often fails to meet the eye.

For those who are dealing with this pain, my earnest prayer is that the Lord will send His comforting angels to minister to you. That you will know that you are not alone or too far gone. That the Holy Spirit will speak truth into every situation and crevice of your heart. And that this truth will dispel all the lies that you have believed. I pray that God will infuse you with hope, peace, joy and inner strength. May you personally experience the might and vastness of God’s unfailing love. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the God of all comfort will love on you. May you experience His peace and grace. May He strengthen you and help you to face tomorrow without your loved one. May He steady your feet and be your ever present help in times of need. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

P.S as always, if you would like me to stand with you in prayer, send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com

Let God Write Your Story

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead

This is a powerful quote. Unfortunately, too often, we get stuck trying to be like someone else rather than being unique. Which is sad. God knew what He was doing when He made us all different. In fact, we do ourselves a great disservice when we choose to copy and envy others rather than let Him work in and through us. Greatness is reserved for us in Him. Fortunately, the Lord has a superior definition of greatness that is not limited to material wealth and possessions.

JY THIEF

Comparison rarely bears good fruit. If anything, it steals the joy within, or puffs up the ego therein. There will always be someone doing better than you are and another who wishes they could be in your shoes. C’est la vie.

Christmas is around the corner; over the last couple of days, God has been asking me to stop putting Him in a box and allow Him to write my story. He desires for me to put all my eggs in His basket and trust His timing and heart.

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Here are ways that we can allow God to write our stories the remainder of this year:

  • Experience God’s love for you

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The only way to experience God’s love is to interact with Him more. Read your bible and pray everyday. Let God teach you Himself. Create an atmosphere of worship. Make your quiet time with Him exciting, change the venue, change your study guide or bible, play some music in the background.

Don’t be satisfied with what you already know. Pursue Him daily and let Him take you to take you from glory to glory. Watch Him transform your life from the inside out.

  • Let God’s Joy be your strength

joyjoyWe all grow weary and discouraged. Sometimes life hands us very difficult circumstances that tend to knock the air out of our lungs. During those moments, it is not uncommon to feel like giving up.

God desires to refresh and rejuvenate us. To give us a joy that cannot be taken away from us, a joy that is not dependent on circumstances. This joy strengthens us. It makes all the difference.

  • Believe in God’s promises

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The world feeds us so many lies right, left and center. After you hear the same thing over and over again it is possible to doubt God’s promises that you barely remember.

The only way to reclaim that part of your heart is to write down God’s promises. Repeat them to yourself daily until they become your default truth. You can find a list of some of God’s promises here.

  • Speak life in every situation

LIFE

For so long we have been prophets of doom that negativity has become our norm. We are great at predicting and reiterating negative events.

This is your year! Speak life into the remainder of this year. How it begun does not have to be how it ends. Claim your blessings.

Do a little challenge, abstain from speaking negatively for one day and then see if you can last one week. Once we change the way that we speak, we will change the way that we live.

  • Allow Jesus to take the wheel

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Finally, allow Jesus to take the wheel and take you to heights you thought  impossible. Whatever is impossible with man, is possible with God.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Lessons From My Daughter (Pt 7)

Miss K is one year old, God is amazing!! It’s been a beautiful journey, we stand in awe of God.

She is always teaching us life changing lessons. This weeks are no different.

  • Learn Something New Everyday

Pretty lady is very vocal. She likes to talk and imitate what we are saying. In fact, she literally picks up a new word every day. A few days ago it was ‘this’ then, she even was able to use it together with another word. She said ‘this, lala’, as she pointed at me. We still have a long way to go in teaching her when and how the words are used, but for now, we are just amused and entertained by this milestone. We are celebrating the baby steps.

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I’ve been challenged to learn something new everyday even if it is one new word. So if you see some big words in the posts to come, know that my little girl influenced me (:

  •  Empathy

Miss K is a mushy little girl. She walks up to us and climbs our laps to give us hugs. Totally heart melting. A couple of days, my mummy was bereaved. She received the news when we were all together and she broke down. A few seconds later, Miss K broke down too. When they both finished crying, they were better A problem shared is a problem half solved. If a little on is able to empathize, how much more is the Lord of Lords.

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God’s heart breaks when my heart breaks. He feels my pain. He understands my struggles, He sympathizes and empathizes with me. Our God is great.

  • Jesus Must Be Seen

Ksena has a little nickname, ‘smiling/happy baby’. Her joy is evident. When people ask why she is so happy, we always say that it is the joy of the Lord. He is the one who gives joy. We cannot take credit for it.

Is God’s joy being seen in my life? I somehow feel like that should be a rhetoric question, BUT, on the real, sometimes I don’t think it is. This needs to change. My joy should not be dependent on circumstances but on God. And His joy should be my strength.

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I need to work on this one.

Have a lovely day,

Smiles and hearty laughs from the pretty lady,

Bibi2be

Pain Precedes Joy : Day 30

And just like that, a month has gone by. I have managed to blog everyday for one month. Some days have been more difficult than others, I have cried tears but I have overcome.

labour

It reminds me a lot of this day one year ago. I was overdue and so ready for my baby to vacate my body. It was time. Baby and I were both cognizant of this fact. My blood pressure was escalating as the hours went by and she had already pooped in the womb. After a failed induction and membrane rupture, I was six centimeters dilated for seven excruciating hours. Labour pains were progressing but my cervix had reached its end; Cervical Dsytocia. I was discouraged and scared. It was supposed to be simpler, straightforward.

I ended up in the theatre. When the baby was placed in my arms, it didn’t matter, what method God had used to bring her out. She was worth every ounce of pain I felt. God’s timing was perfect. She was my perfect gift from the Most High.

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It is the same way with life. God places a good and perfect gift within you but it seems to linger on longer than you expected. It is possible for your attitude towards the gift, the giver and yourself to jeopardize how you finish. Don’t let fear make you want to keep it in longer than your ‘womb’ should host it. His grace is sufficient for the season to come. He will help and strengthen you. His power will be made perfect in your weakness.

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Whatever the Lord has placed within you will come to pass. Though your estimated due date has passed, the end is close.  The season of labour may seem like it is not yielding anything, but God will come to your rescue and He will help you to deliver your ‘baby’. Your joy is coming. Hang in there. It will be worth all the pain and sleepless nights. Surrender it all to Him and trust that He will carry you through and strengthen you.

Prayer of the day:

Dear God,

I thank you for this day and for the gift that you have placed within me. I feel as though the pain has tarried for too long and I am getting weary. Father by your power, please encourage and strengthen me. Help me to keep my eyes on you and may your plan, that is good, prevail. Prepare and equip for this next season that you may be seen in and through me.

You know the desires and anxieties of my heart, I ask Oh Lord, that while on others thou art calling, do not pass me by.

In Jesus name I pray and believe,

Amen

The song of the day:

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I’m humbled that the Lord chose to use me for the glory of His name.

God bless and keep you,

Bibi2be

P.S I would love to hear your testimonies of what God has done in and for you this month. Please send me an email on ess@bibi2be.com

When Life Happened

life happens

“Why is it so cold?

Where is my baby?

Is she okay?

I’m freezing in here.”

September 30th 2014 at 5:15pm I woke up from what seemed like the longest nap asking these questions. So relieved to be alive; cognizant of the fact that not everyone makes it back to this side alive.

Overwhelmed by emotion, I lay there looking disheveled, as though life had happened. Hold up! Life had just happened. The resident of my womb had just been evicted and my body was shaken. It had been a lovely host environment for the last nine months.It adapted and stretched to accommodate the little one, and just like that she was out. I felt happy but oh so empty, my extra heartbeat was now living out of me; what a strange feeling that was.

I was still high on the anesthesia and exhausted from laboring for twelve hours only to be told ‘I am so sorry. You are still 6cms dilated. It is cervical dystocia’ . Honestly, I have never been so terrified in my whole life. I was all set for a normal delivery, I even had my sitz bath all set up in my bathroom before I left for the hospital. I was in too much pain, with the contractions back to back to try and understand what the doctor meant by ‘dystocia’.

I was all walked out. I mean I had bounced on the yoga ball for so long. I closed my eyes and I could still feel the buoyancy, reminded me of being in the deep sea; floating – no strength to swim or fight the waves. Tired of waiting for someone to rescue me. I was all cried out, beat, frail and so afraid.

When I saw my little girl, sheer unprecedented joy flooded my heart. I was a mother, me, yet I wasn’t so sure I had figured out this thing called adulthood. Now someone would look up to me and call me mummy? Where was my mummy? I needed MY mummy, and a little girl needed her mummy, she needed me.

My birth partner, who had arrived right before the ‘cervical dystocia’ announcement, did what I consider one of the best things ever; she brought the baby and taught me how to latch her to my breast. I really do thank God that we figured out how to do it on our first try. The sensation was weird to say the least. My breast was not used to being sucked like someone’s life depended on it. Yet, here we were, it needed to toughen up and adapt to the new role.

Here I am, ten months on. I am so grateful that life happened. It has not been in a walk in the park, we’ve had our fair share of challenges including postpartum depression but it has been the best adventure yet. My daughter turned my life upside down and inside out. She has made me question many things that I considered truth. I have had to re-evaluate my values and myself, figure out what I truly believe in, the legacy that I want to pass on to her.

I have probably never been so sleep deprived but neither has my heart been so full of love. She has taught me little life lessons. What do you know, ten months down the line and another baby doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Divine amnesia.

Beautiful, life changing, magical memories are made when life happens. Yes sometimes, life knocks the wind out our lungs, but we bounce back. Truly we are much stronger than we think. Life throws curve balls our way and we swing our bats like never before and make that home run.

My life changed when life happened. Boy, am I glad it did. Here is to more adventures, more laughs, more tears and more unprecedented joy.

Life happened. I survived. I continue to thrive.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Endowhelmed

endo warrior

This morning I was in tears. My friend turned sister was having a really rough Endo flare and being over 500 kilometers away didn’t make it any easier. I wanted to be there to rub her back and let her know that it would be okay. I know the crippling pain all to well, and, my heart breaks when I hear someone else is going through the same. For many years my hand bag was a mini pharmacy and I was a regular at the casualty of a local hospital.

Hospitals suck! They may seem interesting the first couple of visits but when you are a regular and the staff greet you by asking ” you are back again?” you realize that perhaps you need to reduce the frequency of your visits. The truth is, there is only so much pain relief you can get from over the counter drugs. Sometimes the pain is so bad that you need to spend a couple of hours in hospital getting stronger pain medication.

This morning as my friend lay in hospital, I lay in bed overwhelmed asking God so many questions. “How many more surgeries? How many more flare ups? When does it all end?” I prayed and told God the facts, the options that lay before our eyes and asked Him to show us His truth and His will.

Then He reminded me of this verse:-

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He is Higher than her. He is higher than any disease that attempts to take over the body, He is higher than any scheme of the kingdom of darkness and in Him we find safety, restoration, strength and healing. He is our shelter in the midst of the Endo storm.

God is able to repay what Endometriosis has stolen from you, be it your joy, peace, opportunities, time, relationships, ability to have children etc. He is the God of restoration and children come from Him. As much as doctors talk about having a baby as if it were a magic portion that eradicates Endo, I know that it is only God who can heal Endo. Babies don’t fix things or people. If the Endo symptoms reduce after childbirth it is all by God’s grace and He deserves the glory.

I have seen and continue to see His healing power in my life. I am not where I used to be and I know that He is not done with me. He has won the victory and I know that His power cannot be measured by Endo in my life.

When you are overwhelmed by Endo, I pray that God will lead to Himself and show you His strength, healing power and faithfulness. You can rely on Him, He never changes.

To my sister and all other Endowarriors:- Receive big hugs and know that you are not alone. Even in the darkest hour His grace is sufficient. When you are weak He is strong. By His grace and for the glory of His name you will make it through.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be