The Clamor and Melody of Motherhood

We are smack in the middle of teething and a wonder week. I’m slightly sleep deprived because I’m a human paci, but this, my heart, is filled with joy and awe.

Looking back at the past six months I am amazed by how God has carried us. My mum is visiting, when she witnessed one evening of rush hour, she asked me, “How do you do it?”. I laughed because I know how hard and intense some days are, but they are rewarding. I still look at my girls and think, “Thank you Lord.”

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One of the episodes of Pocoyo that I relate with is when Pocoyo, Pato and Ellie find musical instruments and try to play them. The result is a clamor. When they eventually learn to play the same melody, it is nice to listen to.

Motherhood is a lot like having rookies playing different instruments at the highest volume possible. Sometimes, you can’t wait to turn off the music, except, one instrument may not sleep through the night. Yes, imagine an enthusiastic budding drummer, drumming right next to your ear in the middle of the night. Sometimes I want to scream, other times I want to hug them tight. But, somehow in the midst of the chaos there is a beautiful song playing in the background, reminding me that the rattle, will one day make a beautiful symphony.

Six months later, I’m still sane!! God is faithful. At some point, it was a struggle. But we made it. This is why I am celebrating a half birthday, because I know the behind the scenes reel. And, our standing here is nothing short of a miracle. Mother’s of multiples, you my friends, are clothed in strength! I don’t know how you do it. But there is a God.

I honestly don’t know when is the ‘right time’ to have another baby, everyone has a subjective opinion on this. What I do know though, is when the little one comes, the season changes. But God’s grace never runs out.

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I doubt myself so many times. But I trust the one who called me and longs to equip me. I’m taking it one day at a time. Drinking from His fount of grace and loving on these girls. 

Here’s to winning at weaning. Fully relying on God for grace, wisdom and strength. Leading these girls back to Christ. And leaving a legacy worthy of the calling that I have received.

This song is my prayer!!!

There is no other God!

Blessings,

Ess

 

Amani Ya Juu: Live, Love, Laugh

This morning, I am dancing to this song.

One of the things that I enjoy about being in Nairobi is that there are lots of places to go with young children, that you both enjoy. When I visited in 2016, a friend told me about a place that Ksena and I would enjoy, but we didn’t get a chance to visit it then.

A few weeks ago, we finally got a chance to go to to Amani Ya Juu. It was worth the wait. The serene atmosphere was exactly what our Monday needed. It has a nice playground for children under 10, a beautiful garden and a lovely gift shop. The gift shop is something to write home about. It has beautiful handmade goods with a card attached that includes the name of the person who made it and a bible verse.

“Amani ya Juu (Higher Peace) is a training project in sewing and marketing for African women who have been affected by wars and ethnic conflicts. The purpose of this project is twofold; one is to give African women an opportunity to improve their sewing and marketing skills to provide for the needs of their families and the other is to sow seeds of peace in the hearts of these women. Wonderful hand-made and hand dyed toys and home decorations, very African with a modern twist.” ~ Kenya Buzz

Above all, the peace of God, a higher peace is there. Amani ya juu! This is a place I would definitely go to read a lovely book, spend time with God and just be. And shop:).

These wall hangings from the gift shop are serving as a special reminder to live, love and laugh this year and for the years to come.

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Acts 17:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

If I am not connected to God I will not live, move and be as He designed me. John 15:5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” To live the life that God desires me to live, I must remain connected to Him.

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1 John 3:16 New International Version (NIV)

16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Love is more than the warm fuzzy feelings. Love is laying down my life for others. I had an interesting conversation with a mum a few days ago, she said parenting is all about sacrifice and I responded that you are the sacrifice. A living sacrifice, whose mind is constantly being renewed by Christ.

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Psalm 126:2-3 New International Version (NIV)

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us,
    and we are filled with joy.

God has done great things for me. When I take my eyes off Him I start to mumble and grumble, I lose the light in my eye and forget to laugh. Yet He has filled my mouth with laughter. Ksena has been reminding me to laugh from the bottom of my heart. This year, I will laugh.

I am really enjoying this ‘Sounds of Revival film’ by William McDowell.

http://www.williammcdowellmusic.com/watch-sounds-of-revival-film//

Blessings,

Bibi2be

2016: Tried and Tested. Yet I Still Believe

The last couple of days have disoriented me. I’ve been too tired to cry. 2016 has been a roller coaster with really good days and some really sad, dark ones too. It’s had it’s share of trials and tests and I’ve had to keep reminding myself that this is not new.

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This December I read the Christmas story using the Advent reading plan; it was a beautiful time of reading. This verse really stood out for me.

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Some versions say, “He will be the source of our peace.” During the last couple of days, this verse has resonated with me. Life has made me feel anxious, antsy, angry, agitated. But I’ve been reminded to keep my focus on Jesus for He is the source of my peace.

A few days ago, as I put Kyria to bed, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, ‘Do you believe?’. I said, “I believe, help my unbelief. The truth is even in the midst of the darkness, I still believe, though doubt sometimes floods my heart; I know in the depths of my heart that He is for me.

This song came to mind and it has been my declaration since.

I don’t need to see the bigger picture to believe what God says. By faith I can speak and see a thing.

I’m going into 2017 , not limited by what I’ve seen in 2016 but believing that His word is true, that there is so much that I can do. I’m believing that because He said it in His word, it settles it in the earth.

Through the trials and tests, I still believe that He is for me and I am safe in His arms. So I have chosen to give up my pride and turn away from arrogance. I’m not concerned with great matters or subjects too difficult for me. I have stilled and quieted myself in His embrace, just as a child; just as my sweet Ky is still in her mother’s arms.

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Here’s to 2017!

God  is on the throne my dear friends, here’s to many more adventures in Him and with Him.

Happy new year!!!

Thank you for journeying with the K’s and I ❤ I’m excited to see where the Lord orders our steps!!

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Please Don’t Touch My Neck

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Every evening after 5:30pm, Miss K asks where her daddy is. Then informs us that he is coming home. She still can’t read a clock, but her body knows it’s evening. Miss Ky on the other hand, knows when it’s time to shower. 6pm is the time. If you delay it by ten minutes, she starts crying; then she starts wailing. And then you deeply regret delaying her shower time.

She loves the water. I can’t wait to start baby swimming with her in a few weeks. She kicks and smiles in the water. It’s such a delight to watch. All is well until you try to clean her neck. She’s figured out how to tuck her chin into her chest and keep her neck out of bounds. But her neck needs to be cleaned. After hosting a  mixture of sweat, spit up and peeling skin, it must see some water and soap. A wet wipe cannot work. She must shower.

Yesterday, as I washed her neck, my spirit was prompted to ask which areas of  my life I refuse the Lord to cleanse, yet they need to be cleaned. It’s easy to judge Ky, but I am like her. For one reason or another, I resist the Lord’s efforts to clean. I too have a smelly, sticky ‘neck’. One that cannot benefit from spraying some perfume.

I’m convicted to allow the Lord to cleanse me that I may be clean. It may feel awkward or inconvenient, but the cleansing is necessary. I pray that every time I clean her neck, I will remember to let the Lord cleanse my neck.

What is your neck? Which part of your life do you resist Him from touching? Would you let the Lord cleanse it today and everyday? 

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I dream with my eyes open

You never really know yourself until you live with someone. Then you get to see who you are when pushed to the wall and when you are embraced and praised. The best perk of them all, is that you get to hear and maybe see (depending on the other party) how you act after hours.

The latter has been true for me. For many years I suffered from Bruxism. I’d gnash my teeth for hours while asleep. I later found out it was a symptom of anxiety. A few months into this married life, I begun to feel safe and pray about it and the Lord delivered me. It didn’t irritate me much, but, hubs on the hand was a bit confused initially that I’d gnash my teeth and sleep through it all.

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Over the years we’ve been married, I’ve heard all sorts of tales about what I do after hours. Most recently, I participated in the mannequin challenge without knowing. And, because hubs knows that I will deny it ever so vehemently, he records it for proof. I surprise myself every once in a while.

I generally go through seasons where I dream a lot. Currently, I’ve been too exhausted to dream as I normally do. I mean, the short naps barely leave time to feel rested, let alone be entertained by dreams. But once in a while I do dream, ever so vividly.

My body has somewhat adjusted to this night shift life. Somewhat, is the key word. I’ve figured that this shift allows me a lot of time to think. Think about life, in it’s vastness. It’s great to see how brainstorming with myself produces good results. I find solutions at this time.

Recently, I begun to dream. To see my life beyond burp cloths, diaper changes and craft sessions. This is a big deal!!! With Miss K, I was stuck in a hole. A hole so dark it consumed me. This time I can see the light!!! I can see new lights. New opportunities. I can dream new dreams. This time, I am inspired. Inspired to hope, love and to dream. To see beyond my horizon (the wall in front of me as I try to burp Ky).

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I’m writing down my dreams and desires. Committing them to prayer and allowing myself to hear God speak.

Oh yes, I’m praying. It’s amazing how God speaks. I’m praying about everything and seeing God move in all things.

Joseph was labelled the dreamer, but His dreams came to pass. I’m holding on to my dreams and clinging to God’s perfect plan for me.

God’s not done with me!

I’m here being fully present in my current season, fully acknowledging that though it may be difficult sometimes, it is not a prison. I’m pursuing the King of Kings; and dreaming. Oh, I’m dreaming with my eyes open.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

On Second Thought, Don’t Put Me Down

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and chuckle. It’s evident how much I’ve changed the last two years, physically I look more or less the same. Emotionally and mentally, I am a different person.  How calm I am is a testimony if God’s grace. I see the difference between Ess as a first time mum and Ess as a second time mum.

As my mama puts it, experience is the best teacher. My experience of being a mum has come with perspective. And perspective makes all the difference. It informs my decision on how to spend my energy, which moments to savor and what to be anxious about (read: commit to the Lord in prayer as I await His peace).

I know how fast the days pass by. I know that one day I will sleep, one day baby will sleep through the night. Do I hear a hallelujah? You my dear friends may need to remind me this a few months from now. This too shall come to pass.

Speaking of hallelujah, my household has this song on repeat. It calms Miss K and Miss Ky down. Hallelujah!

Perspective has helped me be more present in the now. I’ve made a deliberate decision to enjoy the season.

When I had Miss K I started ‘Lessons from my daughter’ . It looks like it’s time to add ‘s’ to daughter, because Miss Ky is making her debut today.

When she was born, she was a trusting little human being. You could hold her with one hand and she wouldn’t know the difference. About a week ago, it all changed. All of a sudden, she was aware of the fact that she was being put down and to top it up, she was weary of being put down. Rather the process. She was grasping for something to hold.

It is important to note that the hands holding her hadn’t changed. The surface she was being placed on remained constant, but she’d changed. She was more aware, and the ‘hold on for dear life’ reflex was activated.

This lesson floored me. God used Ky to show me that fear comes from within. When I feel afraid and weary of being put down, and the times I even feel let down; I need to remember that His hand has not changed. His love and plans for me remain constant.

His hand, love and heart never change. I am still safe in His hands. He knit me in my mamas womb. He has been upholding me for much longer than I can remember. He can be trusted. He is faithful.

Are you feeling afraid? Weary of being placed down or let down? Remember that God remains the same. His hand and His heart are still for you. He loves you with an everlasting love.

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Isaiah 41:10 has a new meaning for me. I was upheld and He still upholds me.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Don’t Want To Be An Ostrich Mama

As a child, I was fascinated by Ostriches. I thought they were intriguingly beautiful. There was something about the way they spread their wings that enthralled me.

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I hadn’t thought about an Ostrich for a long time, well, that was up until a couple of weeks ago when I read Job 39.

Job 39:13-18New Living Translation (NLT)

13 “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly,
    but they are no match for the feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on top of the earth,
    letting them be warmed in the dust.
15 She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them
    or a wild animal might destroy them.
16 She is harsh toward her young,
    as if they were not her own.
    She doesn’t care if they die.
17 For God has deprived her of wisdom.
    He has given her no understanding.
18 But whenever she jumps up to run,
    she passes the swiftest horse with its rider.

 

As I read this scripture, my heart was convicted. Verse 16 and 17 tugged at my heart strings and caused me to ask the Lord to search my heart. To reveal to me the ways that I have been harsh, insensitive, deprived of wisdom and lacking understanding.

This passage refused to leave my mind. It replayed in my heart for days on end. Then I begun to see how Ostrich like I have been in my motherhood journey and my heart, oh, how it broke. It became crystal clear (again) that I cannot rely on my own wisdom (or lack thereof). 

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My prayer is that in my newborn hazing state I will not be impatient and harsh towards the K girls. That I will be sensitive to the status of their hearts and dreams. That I will be a woman and an understanding mother. Oh, how I pray for wisdom to raise these girls. That I will be loving towards them, that I will always speak lovingly and that my heart will be keen to notice if they are dying in any part of their lives. That my tongue will speak life and not death. That I will encourage them to pursue their dreams and create an environment where they can encounter the Lord.

Now when I think about an Ostrich, I remember that though she is swift and grande, she lacks understanding and has been deprived of wisdom.

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Dear Lord,

Please do not deprive us of wisdom. We ask that you will send your angel to give us instructions on how to raise these children like you did to Manoah and his wife in Judges 13.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen

Blessings,

Bibi2be