6 Years On: Grief, Life, Love

Oh my, time flies. It’s amazing how things change and some remain the same.

6 years ago, I didn’t know if I would ever be okay and not think about my dad every living moment. It sounds extreme, but I was heart broken. But time, and God,  they have a way of healing your heart. Over the years, the grief has changed. It has felt different and been different. During my last trip to the beach, I sat next to Ksena at the shore and the we played with the water. She enjoyed the little waves tickling her toes. When the waves got stronger she squealed with joy that the water was splashing on her back. Then out of nowhere, an innocent looking wave came, and it was bigger than we thought, but I yanked her up in time and we stared at the wave as it crashed.

Grief is like the ocean, sometimes your heart is calm, and then other times, when you least expect it, sorrow rocks up and is literally a wet blanket, and you have to leave. For some reason, the last couple of weeks, Ksena has been asking me about my dad. Both her grandpas went to be with the Lord, so she doesn’t quite understand the concept of grandpa. So we’ve had to talk about what happens when we die. I’m yet to find a simple way to explain the complexity that is death. Somewhere after one of our conversations, a wave, a mighty big wave hit me, and I felt a sadness and longing, and soon after a peace.

Life. Goes. On.

That’s what I wish I could tell myself 6 years ago. That the eyes that were filled with tears of sadness would one day be filled with tears of joy. My emotions have been confused. On one hand I’m remembering my dad 6 years on, and 8 days later, I am celebrating the milestone of Ky being 6 months old. They are both big things in my life that elicit a myriad of emotions.

But I read something a few days ago that really captured what my heart had been trying to articulate to my brain over and over.

no amount

Ain’t that the truth!

I use the term here achievement here loosely, because, I know that motherhood is not an achievement, it is stewardship, and I will be held accountable. My point is, being a mum fills my heart with joy but it doesn’t erase the pain, sadness of losing a parent. Each is a big deal, they both carry weight.

theres a time

The reality is that each day that passes we are closer to the grave. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I don’t know much about the complexities of life, but I know this, that I don’t want to die with dreams and plans that I never executed. So I’m taking steps each day to ensure that I die empty, having done what the Lord placed me on earth to do.

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I am not alone! This is truth that I’ve had to remind myself over and over when in the depths of grief. Over the years I have realized that love is a doing word. It’s more than just an emotion or a phrase that is tossed around. It is an action. Love is present and not passive. God has been there.

I can attest to the fact that God’s love has carried me. My daily prayer is that I will understand His love, continually experience it and be made complete with the fullness of life and power that comes from Him.

Ephesians 3:18-19 New Living Translation (NLT)

18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

I”m currently listening to this song on replay. It’s my declaration.

6 years later, I say  Thank you Jesus for your love. Siyabonga. You know the depths of my heart, where it aches and longs, and I know that You are there. Right there in the stillness; and your peace and joy will replace the sadness that ebbs and flows.

He is the Father to the fatherless! My God. He is faithful. Forever.

Today I celebrate life! #DKM

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Now I Can Confirm That It Gets Better

I used to dislike Mondays, to the extent that I’d make no plans. Monday was set aside to recover from the weekend. I’d warm up into the day, and be on airplane mode during the day, awake but unable to do some things.

My girls on the other hand, did not get the Monday memo, so they’d wake up raring to go into the new week. In retrospect, my energy or lack thereof must’ve been such a wet blanket. For instance today, Miss K is painting some shells that we picked up last week, then we’ll use them to make a shaker, then we’ll make some music and sing with her teddies. Perfect plan, if you asked me.

The last couple of days I have just been in awe of God. I’ve been in a good space, a few weeks ago, it was a very different narrative. I was in a dark hole; the mummy hole. As I’ve done different things over the past weeks, I’ve seen God’s hand. There’s been a desire to work, energy to see it through, a genuine smile and a hearty laugh as I related with the girls.

Today, I’m looking forward to making some music with the girls as I teach them about Miriam. Mine will be a song of praise because the Lord has done it for me. This is my testimony:

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I want to know this verse by heart, that I will declare it each and every day.

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if, when, where or how it’d get better. But now I can confirm that it does. There’s no darkness so dark that His light can’t illuminate, no hole too deep that He can’t lift you out of, no bondage too strong that He can’t rescue you from. There is no situation that is too difficult for Him.

Have a blessed week, friends.

Bibi2be

 

 

 

 

Let’s Take The Tots To Jesus Part 2

I’m back with good news 🙂

Mid last year I posted about my struggle to find a place to fellowship with the girls. It got to place that I stopped struggling and decided to sit at home, also because I didn’t hear back from anyone in Mombasa.

Earlier this year, the desire to search again was reignited, so we started hunting again, but we didn’t quite find a fit for our ‘not yet three’ year old. When I was on the verge of giving up again, I prayed and told God that I would try once more and if it didn’t work out (read: I didn’t find a good fit), I was taking a(nother) long break. I wanted a sign that this was where we were supposed to be.

But God, answers prayers and He directs our paths ( if we let Him). When I went to this church, the person who greeted me said exactly what I had been asking the Lord. It later turned out that we were each other’s answer to prayer. I am in awe of the Lord we serve. I was reminded to remain obedient and allow the Lord to order my steps for the glory of His name. If we remain fluid, He will channel us where we need to go.
prov 21I don’t know how long we’ll be here and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to live in the season and learn and grow where I am. Children’s Ministry here I come. Through this all I can see His hand, I know that through pregnancy and motherhood, God changed me. He gave me a heart for children. Who would’ve thought I’d be writing children’s books or even serving with Children.

 

Here’s to an unknown adventure with a known God.

Blessings,

Bibi2Be

 

 

5 Things Motherhood Has Taught Me

It’s amazing how much I’ve learned in my three years of being a mother. This journey that has stretched me, has also, blessed me. In the moments that I thought I would break I realized something new about myself, my God; a greater level of grace.

Life is a miracle

Conception, gestation and delivery are all a miracle, hands down, God’s hand can be seen through it all. Getting pregnant is not as easy as we sometimes think, carrying a pregnancy and giving birth through whichever method, are nothing short of a miracle. I constantly marvel at how great God is, to think that the sperm and egg fused, and he knit a being, with body parts, a soul, a mind, is truly mind blowing. Watching the girls grow has humbled me, made me see God as the creator. His handprint is all over our lives as a whole. Laminin continually blows me away. Indeed it is He who holds us together.

Good health should never be taken for granted

Being sick sucks. I’m currently recovering from a flu. It was bad. What’s worse though, is seeing my girls unwell. That is so difficult. I feel so helpless, I want to carry the sickness on their behalf, but more than anything, I want them to be well. Back to their good ol’ bubbly selves. Good health should never be taken for granted. Never, ever! Health is wealth.

Sleep, oh sweet sleep, is to be savored

When my bed time reaches, I bolt to bed. No one needs to tell me it’s time to sleep. Gone are the days of falling asleep watching a movie. Sleep is a priority. Sleep is a break. Sleep is a slice of heaven on earth. Perhaps the only thing I didn’t do enough of before I had tots, is sleep. I have no idea why I was waking up so early just before I delivered Ky; if only you could sleep in advance 🙂 Sleeping in feels like Christmas, y’know, it happens once a year.  Sleep when you can!

You give what you have

You can’t pour out of an empty cup. Motherhood is servant leadership. It’s sweet and dirty, because we all know that diaper won’t change itself; it’s hard work.  It’s stretching and rewarding. Being present, emotionally, physically and spiritually, can take a toll on you. I’ve learned and I continue to learn the importance of filling my cup, spending time with God and letting Him refresh me. When I am irritable, anxious and angry, I look within. The circumstances squeeze out what is within. Quiet time with God is not optional, it is crucial. His grace is sufficient for me. His mercies are new every morning, it’s up to me to let Him fill me up.

Be present now

‘They’ll be all grown up before you know it!’ Boy, is this phrase true. You don’t get these years back, so it’s best to enjoy the different seasons of life. Change is not always a bad thing. My girls are growing, aren’t we all. I keep reminding myself to enjoy these years, because I’ll never get them back. So we will draw together, play with rattles, sing and dance and have a great time.

We have to decide to live our best lives now. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. The biggest lie is that we have time, time to make up for the things we haven’t done; time to start living later. Today is a gift, let’s live it and be all that God created us to be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Where The Skies Are Grey

Today is a good day.

The last couple have been hard; difficult; a blur. The post baby blues have felt closer to navy blue, scratch that black. Pitch black. A big black hole, that I just couldn’t get out of. I’m not new to these dark shades, but what they encompassed these last couple of days, I was not ready for. They have shown me just how dark, dark can be. I was breaking, drowning on dry land. In a sea of sadness and loneliness. The saddest part, is drowning when you so badly want to and need to stay afloat. Struggling not to cry, battling anger, watching your appetite and milk supply diminish. Physically fine but running on Empty.

sadness

It’s hard not having a support system. God has blessed me with a great friend in my husband, he is a star! But there is only so much that He can do and be for me. I have grieved not having the support I would like, and then found comfort in the Lord. Because what else is there to do, but accept that this is a season, as you pray that it gets easier.

Psalm 119 has been such a comfort for me the last couple of days. And this song, is the anthem of my heart.

Out of the mist I have seen His hand.

Today is a better day. I’ve smiled from the depths of my heart, I have made it to the gym. I have done something for myself. I am writing; this is huge, I’ve struggled to write three lines in my journal, the dashboard of this blog has gathered some dust.

Miss Ky is 3 months, I’m all set to celebrate this far that the Lord has brought us. She is watching me write this, encouraging me with her smiles. I am grateful for the journey that is motherhood. Even on the days that I struggle, I know that these girls are blessings from above. They are not to blame for the complexities of my emotions. After all is said and done, It is well; and when it’s not, we hold on to the hope that it shall be.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Love and Hair Chronicles

Let’s talk about love.

Love is many things, but the one thing that has a special place in my heart is, love is acts of service.

When I was a little girl, I loathed my hair being done. This led to my hair being shaved a number of times, not in a nice faded hair cut kind of way. Nah! Nobody had time for professional cut. It was a quickly done hair cut with scissors amidst tears. Not the pretty kind. But hair grows. And for that, we thank God!

My mum’s friend used to come and do my hair, it was her love language to my mum and I, though I was too sensitive to see it as that. By sensitive, I mean my scalp was sensitive and I didn’t like my hair being done (read: disturbed). My scalp is still sensitive so I avoid having my hair done in salons. And so far, so good. There are about 5 people who I let touch my head. Though once in a while, I miss being pampered, until I remember how my hairdressers live 500 kilometers away.

little-things

Miss K, has a beautiful mane; she was born with a full head of hair. Miss Ky on the other hand, was born with a hair cut 🙂 so I had to trim her hair a few weeks ago. One of the things I had not fully thought about was how I would do their hair as they grew. When Ksena was old enough to have hair done, I realized she hated her head being touched, and I totally understood the feeling because she probably got it from me. I learned to let the unsolicited advice fly over my head. Many people had a vision for her hair, and we were still on the afro tip.

afro

Late last year, she begun to show interest in hairstyles other than afro. At first I was confused because we had been #TeamSensitiveScalp for as long as I could remember, but I had to shelve my biases and let her have her hair done. Slowly we begun to tie it up and we liked the results. Then she begun to ask if we could have a lady do house calls for her hair to be done. At that moment, I looked at with the phrase, ‘Who are you??’ running through my mind. But again, my biases needed to take a back seat.

Early December she had her hair done and it looked nice. It was decided that we’d have it done for Christmas. The week leading up to Christmas, had me looking for the stylist. Long story short, on Christmas Eve, I realized she was over booked and wasn’t coming. Cue mini panic. Because doing hair was not my thing. But life has a way of showing us that we can be and do different things at different times.

I was a little bummed she wasn’t coming, but the hair had to get done before Miss Ky woke up. I said a prayer and asked God to help me. In moments like those it is only God who can help. Half an hour later, Ksena had a new hair do that we all liked.

This verse came alive for me.

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In retrospect, maybe it’s not so bad that she didn’t come. In the midst of the mini hair crisis, I saw a side of me that I didn’t quite think I had.

Here’s to doing more things that are out of our comfort zones and trusting God to give us the knowledge we need. I am trying new things on her hair, and I’m determined to get better at doing more versatile hairstyles. Indeed, there is always of a silver lining.

With God by your side, nothing is impossible.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

The Sweet Things In Life

Happy New Year everybody 🙂

American pancakes are absolutely delish. I can’t have too many of them though, because bloating is real and wheat cushions my waist line 🙂 I enjoy oat and banana pancakes as well, but I’m on my own, the rest of the K squad like crepes.

When I made American pancakes to end the year, I had to convince Ksena to eat them by drizzling some honey on them. Since Miss Ky came, I’m on the clock most times. I’ve had to learn how to multitask and work faster, because as Ksena says, ‘mama has two totos’. And I need to meet their needs. So on this day, both girls wanted their breakfast stat but I couldn’t find the honey. After walking in circles, I decided to step out of the kitchen and look in from the outside. I found it immediately and was able to serve Ksena and feed Kyria. There was world peace in the K household.

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It got me thinking as I was breastfeeding, it’s the same thing with life, sometimes it’s important to look in from the outside and see just how blessed you are. If you are intentional, you realize the sweet things are right in front of you.

Here’s my ‘sweet things’ jar for 2017.

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I’m looking forward to keeping a record of the sweet moments and being thankful daily.

If you’d like to join me on this sweet journey of thanksgiving, you can make a sweet things jar by using a tin/container and wrapping paper to cover it. 

Have a blessed new year filled with joy, peace and good health.

Here’s to many adventures in Him and with Him.

Blessings,

Bibi2be