When Grief Erupts

I watched the cursor lazily jog on the spot as I wondered what to type. As I stared, I could feel something shift within me, grief was rising. It felt like larva rising from the depths of the earth. A small trigger, a thought I had dwelt on, was causing a surge of emotions within. Trying to suppress the grief felt like trying to stop acid reflux from filling your mouth. It left both a burning sensation in my chest and a bitter taste in my mouth.

At 1pm I changed into my pajamas and retreated to bed. The ache of my heart triggered a feeling of malaise, I wanted to sleep the grief away. To wake up feeling fresh and happy like spring. Every time I tried to write, I typed sadness. A sadness that I felt guilty about having because it’s been over 5 years, 7 to be precise. After a few years is grief tempest in a teapot? Does grief have a lifespan? Does it ever completely go away? Or is it like the waves in the ocean, swayed by other factors?

As tears streamed down my cheeks, I allowed myself to feel all the emotions in their intensity. To go down memory lane and hold on to the memories that I didn’t want to fade away.

The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. (Psalm 34:18)



Morning Reflections: Remain Fluid, Always

The ocean is my happy place. When I moved to Mombasa, I used to wonder how and why the people who lived here didn’t frequent the ocean. Then I got comfortable, became one of ‘them’, my ‘let’s go to the ocean’ plans became sparse. I guess after a few months, it became the norm, sort of like Uhuru park 🙂

Yesterday morning, I went for a walk on the beach and I was just so blown away. It was so nostalgic! Reminded me of the love that I had for God when I moved to Mombasa. Please don’t get me wrong, I still love Jesus. Though life was different then. But I was reminded to remain fluid regardless of the season in life. To always be available for the Spirit of the Lord to blow me in the direction that he pleases. Having the waves crash at my feet was an example of what He can do with a fluid heart.


I left so recharged and in awe of God. I kept singing this song.

Oh that I will search for Him and find Him, everyday, in the big things and the little things.

We serve a big God!! He deserves all of our praise. May our life songs sing to Him.  Standing by the ocean humbled me. My response was YES! Yes, I will go where you send me, even across the fence, the nations and oceans. Obedience begins where I’m at, it’s not a destination but a state of being.

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Here’s to many more walks by the ocean, many refreshing reflections and an irresistible love for Jesus that oozes into every part of my life.

Remain Fluid, Always!



Imitators At Heart

Motherhood is an avenue that God uses to show me the contents of my heart.

Raising Ksena has really challenged my walk with God. One of the things that I understand afresh each and every day is what it means to be a child of God. Peter and I have a front row seat in the show ‘The Wonders Of A Child’. This means we get to see both awesome life truths and the foolishness bound within the heart. The latter has us looking for ‘a discipline stick’. Discipline is a series on it’s own, I’ll write about it soon.

God’s patience humbles me, He really does put up with a lot. Many are the times that I have told Him that I think I know…yet I was wallowing in a sea of foolishness. There was a time that I hated discipline, but the longer I walk with God, I realized time and time again how crucial it is.


The awesome truth that has got me this week is that we are imitators at heart. As children we want to look up to our parent and do as we see. Ksena has been imitating what her dad does. One day she told us, ”Daddy, eat” and proceeded to show us how her dad eats, it is hilarious to say the least. Yesterday, she was imitating how he sleeps, when she wants to wake him up.


She understands that he is her father and she longs to imitate him. Yesterday we went for an evening walk by the beach. When her daddy joined us, she shouted, ”Daddy, beach!”. She was ecstatic that he had come, after that she followed him every where that he went. She would momentarily get sidetracked by the waves, but when she remembered who she was supposed to be following, she was hot on his heels.


THAT is how I want my relationship with God to always be, that I may always follow and imitate Him. Though I may err and get mesmerized or side tracked by things on the way side, I pray that I will always follow Him. That my heart will long for Him, long to walk with Him, love on Him and be like Him.



Stay and Wait

It was a rather somber weekend. On one hand, we celebrated the death and resurrection of Christ because the veil was torn and we have permanent direct access to God. On the other hand, we mourned and continue to mourn the lives of those who were killed in the Garissa University College attack. It was bitter sweet to say the least and it left me with a myriad of questions.

One evening as I thought and prayed, this verse stood out for me.

Psalm 94:1 (NLT)

O Lord, the God of vengeance,
    O God of vengeance, let your glorious justice shine forth!

It reminded me of the widow in Luke 18.

One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. “There was a judge in a certain city,” he said, “who neither feared God nor cared about people. A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, but this woman is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!’”

Then the Lord said, “Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?” (Luke 18:1-8 NLT)

God’s NOT DEAD!! If we cry out to Him day and night He will grant us justice quickly (HE said so in His word).

Visiting the ocean usually puts everything into perspective. It helps me get out of my bubble and let God give me a glimpse of the bigger picture; I’m blown away each and every time. Yesterday was no different. My myriad of questions were answered in a sitting. Some answers don’t make ‘sense’ as I would like them to, but this is where I draw the line and say that He is GOD and I am a mere human being. My mind CANNOT fully comprehend HIM and HIS ways. I simply do not have the capacity to fully understand Him, and it is okay.

kilifi bay

Since morning, I’ve had ‘Stay and Wait’ by Hillsong UNITED on repeat.

To summarize my weekend of questions and answers, highs and lows; this is my declaration:-

I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You.

God of wonder and God of grace
Let my soul stand always to praise You
Fix my eyes on Your perfect way
And I’ll never look back

May it be yours too.

May you stay even when it is hard and hurts,

as you wait on the One who you can trust with your heart.

May His grace carry you and may you fix your eyes on Him,

He has the answers for the questions that you ask within.



Calm in the Storm

Indian Ocean

I really like going to the beach. The breeze at the ocean is such a breath of fresh air…well salty air but fresh all the same :). Sometimes the ocean is happy and so nice to walk by, other times it is calm and reading a book at the beach is the perfect plan, but  other times the water is super choppy especially when the tide is strong, it almost looks like it is in a bad mood and just wants to carry everything in its way. Try leave your flip flops on the beach and you will see.

With all the traffic in Mombasa it really is about time we had water buses or even transportation speed boats. They would really be an efficient way to get to town compared to the congested roads. The heat in the traffic is just disgusting let alone the time wasted in traffic, sigh. Speaking of water transport…..

Last week as I read about the story of Jesus walking on water, something struck me..

John 6:16-21 (NIV)

16 When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, 17 where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. 18 A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. 19 When they had rowed about three or four miles,[a] they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened. 20 But he said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” 21 Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

[a] about 5 or 6 kilometers

After they stopped being afraid and let Jesus enter the boat they reached their destination IMMEDIATELY.  They did not continue to row their boat (read: toil in the flesh) , letting Jesus in meant allowing His power to transport them to their destination.

I don’t know what your storm looks like. It may seem as though, like the disciples, evening has come and you have had to leave shore without Jesus physically showing up.  The Lord is faithful.  Even though the strong wind blows and the rough waters make the 5 or 6 kilometer journey difficult, His presence will get you there instantly. Regardless of what the storm seems like, He will defy logic and gravity,  and calm the storm.

Happy Sunday 🙂