Running on E

My morning began with a choir of tears.

I knew we were off to a difficult start. Before I had children, I used to be a morning person. Now, I  wake up before my alarm bings because I am an often-tired person, who has a long list of things to do. To be honest, I doubt I was really a morning person, I think that the Endometriosis induced fatigue was less in the morning.

Motherhood is a lifetime job. It is multi-faceted so the brief keeps changing. Perhaps, change is one of the constants. Some tricks grow old, you grow old, and your children. well, they grow older too.

It is a cocktail of laughs from the depth of your belly, and tears from the bottom of your heart. Some days are good, some days are heart-wrenching.  From time to time you countdown to bedtime, not because you hate your children, but because they have been EXTRA the whole day and you want to catch a break. On the unfortunate days, your emotions, and internal conflicts get in the way, and you are harsher than you should have been. You are not as patient as you say Jesus wants us to be. Some days you fail, and as you watch your little one’s tummy rise and fall as they sleep, you beat yourself up. You wallow in regret and helplessness.

I have many days that I wake up feeling as if I’m running on a deficiency. As though my fuel is at E. Many days where I cry to Jesus for forgiveness, and almost beg for strength because I feel spent. Days where nothing feels like it is enough.

A few days ago, in the most unlikely place, and almost in passing, the Lord reminded me that unless I look to Him and rely on Him I will feel disadvantaged. I will feel that I am not enough. I will fall short even before I stand tall.

The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days. Deuteronomy 33:25

My strength shall equal my days. God, who pre-destined me, who knows all of the days that I have lived and those to come, has already apportioned me the adequate strength to face each day.

After this revelation, I started saying this prayer in the morning:

Dear Lord, I do not know what the day holds, but I know it is You holds it. I know that you have given me the adequate strength to face this day, therefore I will go forth with boldness and peace.

For this mama, who is sometimes weary, my heart is encouraged when I know that my strength will equal my days.

 

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Ballerina

‘Our dreams are valid’ is what I think to myself everytime I see Miss K practicing her ballet that has been heavily influenced by a rodent, Angelina Ballerina.

“Mum look I am balancing” she squeals and then proceeds to twirl along. Ky joins her in a swirling motion, like ice cream being dispensed onto a cone, with a smile on her face and a dizzy spell in tow.

“Mum, I want you to teach me ballet!” Ksena told me, I almost spilled my tea, honored that she thinks that ballet is one of the things that I am good at and that I am a graceful ballerina.

I think that they’ve got a hang of balancing better than I have. Sometimes I feel flustered as I balance being a mum and writer (now published author), while incubating and working on other dreams. Though I am learning that some structure and accepting help goes a long way. And the grace and poise will come with the training and territory.

The story would not be complete without sacrifice and patience, the fine print that should be in font size 72 and caps because they are the core of the journey.

Sacrifice

I write when the household is asleep, most times yawning, not because the content is boring but my bed beckons and there is something about seeing people sleeping that makes me want to sleep too.

Patience

I think I kept failing this test. It feels like I have been going around the mountain for 40 years and growing weary. I had my own grand timelines for my book(s), but they did not work out. My prayers became microwave editions, with timelines on them. Frustration peaked when after ‘2 minutes’ the meal was not ready.

Bloom

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You know the joy that you feel when you cook up a storm and it looks good and tastes good? I have the same kinda joy in my heart. My first published book Bloom is FINALLY out. I wrote it one year ago and it has been such a journey, but it is out and I am a very different person and writer from the lady who wrote it.

When I got my final sample my girlies were so excited, Ky kept squealing, “Mama!” when she saw my picture, and she ran to show anyone who cared to see. Seeing my picture and name on a book is still growing on me, but my obedience coupled with God’s goodness, faithfulness, and counsel, that I could get used to seeing.

Here I am, a dancing ballerina with joy in my heart, looking forward to learning some more beautiful steps in the ballet class of life, and dancing to please my King.

If you would like to order Bloom, please send me an email via yellowendflower@gmail.com and I will let you know how to get it.

 

I Don’t Want To Be An Ostrich Mama

As a child, I was fascinated by Ostriches. I thought they were intriguingly beautiful. There was something about the way they spread their wings that enthralled me.

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I hadn’t thought about an Ostrich for a long time, well, that was up until a couple of weeks ago when I read Job 39.

Job 39:13-18New Living Translation (NLT)

13 “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly,
    but they are no match for the feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on top of the earth,
    letting them be warmed in the dust.
15 She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them
    or a wild animal might destroy them.
16 She is harsh toward her young,
    as if they were not her own.
    She doesn’t care if they die.
17 For God has deprived her of wisdom.
    He has given her no understanding.
18 But whenever she jumps up to run,
    she passes the swiftest horse with its rider.

 

As I read this scripture, my heart was convicted. Verse 16 and 17 tugged at my heart strings and caused me to ask the Lord to search my heart. To reveal to me the ways that I have been harsh, insensitive, deprived of wisdom and lacking understanding.

This passage refused to leave my mind. It replayed in my heart for days on end. Then I begun to see how Ostrich like I have been in my motherhood journey and my heart, oh, how it broke. It became crystal clear (again) that I cannot rely on my own wisdom (or lack thereof). 

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My prayer is that in my newborn hazing state I will not be impatient and harsh towards the K girls. That I will be sensitive to the status of their hearts and dreams. That I will be a woman and an understanding mother. Oh, how I pray for wisdom to raise these girls. That I will be loving towards them, that I will always speak lovingly and that my heart will be keen to notice if they are dying in any part of their lives. That my tongue will speak life and not death. That I will encourage them to pursue their dreams and create an environment where they can encounter the Lord.

Now when I think about an Ostrich, I remember that though she is swift and grande, she lacks understanding and has been deprived of wisdom.

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Dear Lord,

Please do not deprive us of wisdom. We ask that you will send your angel to give us instructions on how to raise these children like you did to Manoah and his wife in Judges 13.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

Are You Running On Fumes?

When the fuel light goes off in the car, I know that I need to make my way to the closest fuel station, because I only have about fifty kilometers left. Well, that is if I am driving with my air conditioner off.

Fuel-Main

Earlier this week, I hadn’t slept well due to Miss K going through a serious sleep regression coupled with teething. When we woke up, she was cranky and did not want her feet to touch the floor, she wanted to be carried everywhere. She refused to have her breakfast. When she was not being carried, she was giving my shadow a run for it’s money, trying keeping up with me. At one point, I just wanted some quiet to use the bathroom. When I realized that I was going to have an audience, I prayed and asked God to help me because my patience was running low.

THEN, the Holy Spirit promptly reminded me ‘ Love is patient before it kind. It is patient before it is other things.’

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I felt so reprimanded, in love.

I was reminded that it is crucial for me to be patient. If I feel low on patience {love} I should run to the nearest fuel station for a refill. Read: I should hide away for a few minutes and spend time with God. I know how cranky and mean I can be when I am impatient and honestly, no one deserves to be on the receiving end of that.

Are you feeling low on patience?

Are you irritable, mean and cranky.

Are you driving on E?

Perhaps it is time you too got a boost. All these things that are keeping you busy and draining you can wait a few minutes. Sneak away for a few minutes, read your bible, pray and worship. Let God fill your cup, then you will have more to pour into the lives of those around you. Afterwards you will feel refreshed, rejuvenated and wait for it, patient (:

love is patient

For mamas with toddlers, the struggle is real but so is HIS grace, peace, love and mercy.When you feel your patience is running low, report to God’s throne with immediate effect. There you will receive mercy and find grace to help you in your time of need, Hebrews 4:16.

This song just played as I wrote this post. It reminded me how close God is to us. If we would only run to Him, He will answer.

God bless you.

Bibi2be