Lessons From The Pit

Life is a teacher.

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This phrase came up in a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. It was so timely. It summarised exactly where I was at.

A little background, after I had Miss K, I was a walking train wreck. Things did not go according to plan, my dream of a vaginal birth ended up in ‘ I’m sorry Esther, you are still at 6 cms (8 hours later). It is Cervical Dystocia. We have to have an emergency cesarean section’. I crumbled. This. Was. Not. The. Plan. I cried ( if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you can tell that my eyes are cleansed often 😉 I was scared. Disappointed. Ready for the pain to end immediately. Because those contractions had me calling Jesus in every language I knew.

The after was difficult. She was jaundiced. She HATED phototherapy. The little incubator was called ‘Hawaii’. You go in clad in a diaper only and get a tan. Her cries woke up the other babies in the nursery. It was bad. Miss K dislikes the heat, imagine Hawaii in Mombasa. I think there were two days she spent more time out of Hawaii than in it. This mama was tired. The cries were ruining my ‘honeymoon’ phase. I couldn’t even stare into her eyes because they were bandaged. Let’s not even get into the squint that formed because the patches were letting in light ( story for another post).

I was not ready for the after. So I stopped. I stopped doing the things that I loved.

Then we discovered that she was a high need baby. Guys (she uses this word a lot now) THIS. WAS. HARD!! Wondering what a high need baby is? Check this out.

I sunk into a pit. I remember one day my husband found me wailing on the bed. I could barely speak. My world seemed grim. I was physically exhausted, mentally and spiritually drained. I had stopped living. I was merely existing. This experience of bringing forth life was draining me of life. I was dying; dead on the inside. And I didn’t know how to get out of the pit of darkness. I struggled for months on end. I had stopped writing. Stopped doing the things that made me feel alive.

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I don’t know what the days to come hold, but I know who holds me.

I’m not afraid to ask for help. If you see me slowly dashing in the supermarket (in my mind I’ll be moving at super speed, my legs may be moving much slower) know that it’s just me being proactive.

Staying indoors depresses me. So I will go out, look at the ocean. Enjoy some sunshine with the girls. I will write. I will live. By God’s grace, I will stay out of the pit. Even if it tries to draw me back, I know that God is able. It’s so easy to slip into the pit but so difficult to get out. The longer you stay inside, the deeper you sink. Only the hand of the Almighty can raise you out.

Postpartum depression is real. God’s love, grace and mercy are real too.

Here’s to applying the lessons learned in the pit. And trusting that the God who rescued us, is able to sustain us.

Say hello to Mr. Octopus, my crafting with Miss K of the day. My little reminder that I am still alive.

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For any mama going through the pit, I pray that the Lord will rescue you. May He be the fourth man, as He was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Take A Step Back And See How Far You’ve Come

I took a video of Miss K a couple of days ago that left me balancing tears. It hit me just how far we’ve come. From prolonged labour that led to a C-section, to spending extra days in hospital trying to lower Bilirubin levels; to very long nights of colic, to dealing with a high need baby; to the squint caused by light seeping through the phototherapy eye mask, to a bad case of heat rash; to not quite recovering from sleep regression, to solid food challenges. It was quite the ride but God was constant.

God is Constant

Yesterday I remembered how a couple of years ago I was in and out of Doctor’s offices trying to get a proper diagnosis for all the pain I was feeling. It was perhaps one of the most stressful seasons of my life. I flashed back to the time when I had recurring Ovarian cysts that were extremely painful. A few months down the line I had to have a Cancer marker test done. Tense, scared and anxious do not even begin to describe my state then. I was terrified, I had so many questions. The results were negative, which was a relief but there was still no explanation for the recurrent cysts, bitter- sweet. Then, it was hard for me to believe that I could live cyst free. Here I am, a couple of years later, living cyst free. Praise be to God.

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I am constantly thinking about how far I have to go that I forget to appreciate how far I’ve come. My mind tends to run head of itself, which is not healthy. It gets worse especially when I feel as though I have been stagnating, which is not true. Though I feel like I have been at the same place for too long, in Him I am still moving, living and having my being – Acts 17:28.

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What has made you feel like you are stagnating?

Today, take a step back and marvel at how far you’ve come. Give God thanks for the seasons that have passed and put your trust in Him for those to come. He is faithful.

Blessings,

Bibi2be