Every so often, I am asked the question, ”How is motherhood treating you?” my answer is usually, ”I am enjoying it now more than ever.”
I have grown to love and enjoy motherhood more. My perspective has changed along the way. I have also changed physically and emotionally along the way.
I had a great pregnancy. I never threw up, my main side effect was, I was sleepy all the time. Eating made me tired. Whoever said that making human was easy, definitely lied.
The symptom that crept up on me along the way was depression. When I gave birth, it hit me HARD. You don’t realize how powerful hormones are until they are imbalanced and you are at their mercy. When no amount of pep talks are enough to get you into a good mood, you realize that there could be more to this than meets the eye.
I became what I feared most
Growing up, I used to get really bummed out when my dad said we couldn’t go somewhere because he was resting. I was too young to figure out what was going on, but in hindsight, I realize that the older I became, the more severe the depression became. When I could understand what was going on, I promised myself that I would not be a depressed parent, because I have seen and experienced what depression can do first hand.
I have struggled with the blues and front door syndrome in the past year or two. It hit me a couple of months ago that I had become what I feared most, a depressed withdrawn mama. Drowning in the deep blue sea of depression. I hid behind various labels ‘ front door syndrome’, ‘reserved’…but at the end of the day, whatever name I chose to give it, it was affecting my role in the home. It didn’t seem like a big deal until I noticed that my little girl was actually being affected by my reluctance to leave the house and do anything fun. She loves to leave the house and she relies on us to take her out. Her daddy loves to take her out, and she knows it.My heart breaks looking back at all our missed opportunities.
A couple of months ago, I started making active steps to not remain stuck in the deep blue sea. I asked my husband to pray with me and encourage me. I begun to ask God to rescue me.
I am definitely not where I used to be. Sometimes it takes me four hours to leave the house, but I celebrate the fact that I actually left. This is such progress, previously my husband would find me all dressed at the door and watched me change my mind after hours of psyching up.
This is my testimony:
He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.
Psalm 18:16,19 NLT
I was drowning in the deep waters. In the depths of sadness and hopelessness; I believed several lies and cried many tears. But GOD, He rescued me. He has led me to a place of safety and loved on me. I am in AWE of who He is. He has filled me with hope and peace.
Though I am not where I need to be, I am definitely not where I used to be. I am enjoying making memories and seeing God’s redeeming love at work in my life and my home. We just came from baby swimming, it’s been amazing watching Ksena become more confident in the water. Today she was kicking under water, we have come a mighty long way. Her milestones are my milestones. They have shown me that when we step out of our comfort zone and let God lead us to waters unknown, we will see a side of Him and ourselves that we never knew. We will experience joy and peace from above. We will be everything that He created us to be.
If you are a mummy who would like someone to talk to, send me an email via firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have a lovely day,