Now I Can Confirm That It Gets Better

I used to dislike Mondays, to the extent that I’d make no plans. Monday was set aside to recover from the weekend. I’d warm up into the day, and be on airplane mode during the day, awake but unable to do some things.

My girls on the other hand, did not get the Monday memo, so they’d wake up raring to go into the new week. In retrospect, my energy or lack thereof must’ve been such a wet blanket. For instance today, Miss K is painting some shells that we picked up last week, then we’ll use them to make a shaker, then we’ll make some music and sing with her teddies. Perfect plan, if you asked me.

The last couple of days I have just been in awe of God. I’ve been in a good space, a few weeks ago, it was a very different narrative. I was in a dark hole; the mummy hole. As I’ve done different things over the past weeks, I’ve seen God’s hand. There’s been a desire to work, energy to see it through, a genuine smile and a hearty laugh as I related with the girls.

Today, I’m looking forward to making some music with the girls as I teach them about Miriam. Mine will be a song of praise because the Lord has done it for me. This is my testimony:

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I want to know this verse by heart, that I will declare it each and every day.

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if, when, where or how it’d get better. But now I can confirm that it does. There’s no darkness so dark that His light can’t illuminate, no hole too deep that He can’t lift you out of, no bondage too strong that He can’t rescue you from. There is no situation that is too difficult for Him.

Have a blessed week, friends.

Bibi2be

 

 

 

 

Lessons From The Pit

Life is a teacher.

teacher

 

This phrase came up in a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. It was so timely. It summarised exactly where I was at.

A little background, after I had Miss K, I was a walking train wreck. Things did not go according to plan, my dream of a vaginal birth ended up in ‘ I’m sorry Esther, you are still at 6 cms (8 hours later). It is Cervical Dystocia. We have to have an emergency cesarean section’. I crumbled. This. Was. Not. The. Plan. I cried ( if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you can tell that my eyes are cleansed often 😉 I was scared. Disappointed. Ready for the pain to end immediately. Because those contractions had me calling Jesus in every language I knew.

The after was difficult. She was jaundiced. She HATED phototherapy. The little incubator was called ‘Hawaii’. You go in clad in a diaper only and get a tan. Her cries woke up the other babies in the nursery. It was bad. Miss K dislikes the heat, imagine Hawaii in Mombasa. I think there were two days she spent more time out of Hawaii than in it. This mama was tired. The cries were ruining my ‘honeymoon’ phase. I couldn’t even stare into her eyes because they were bandaged. Let’s not even get into the squint that formed because the patches were letting in light ( story for another post).

I was not ready for the after. So I stopped. I stopped doing the things that I loved.

Then we discovered that she was a high need baby. Guys (she uses this word a lot now) THIS. WAS. HARD!! Wondering what a high need baby is? Check this out.

I sunk into a pit. I remember one day my husband found me wailing on the bed. I could barely speak. My world seemed grim. I was physically exhausted, mentally and spiritually drained. I had stopped living. I was merely existing. This experience of bringing forth life was draining me of life. I was dying; dead on the inside. And I didn’t know how to get out of the pit of darkness. I struggled for months on end. I had stopped writing. Stopped doing the things that made me feel alive.

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I don’t know what the days to come hold, but I know who holds me.

I’m not afraid to ask for help. If you see me slowly dashing in the supermarket (in my mind I’ll be moving at super speed, my legs may be moving much slower) know that it’s just me being proactive.

Staying indoors depresses me. So I will go out, look at the ocean. Enjoy some sunshine with the girls. I will write. I will live. By God’s grace, I will stay out of the pit. Even if it tries to draw me back, I know that God is able. It’s so easy to slip into the pit but so difficult to get out. The longer you stay inside, the deeper you sink. Only the hand of the Almighty can raise you out.

Postpartum depression is real. God’s love, grace and mercy are real too.

Here’s to applying the lessons learned in the pit. And trusting that the God who rescued us, is able to sustain us.

Say hello to Mr. Octopus, my crafting with Miss K of the day. My little reminder that I am still alive.

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For any mama going through the pit, I pray that the Lord will rescue you. May He be the fourth man, as He was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

Mummy Blues And The Deep Blue Sea

Every so often, I am asked the question, ”How is motherhood treating you?” my answer is usually, ”I am enjoying it now more than ever.”

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I have grown to love and enjoy motherhood more. My perspective has changed along the way. I have also changed physically and emotionally along the way.

I had a great pregnancy. I never threw up, my main side effect was, I was sleepy all the time. Eating made me tired. Whoever said that making human was easy, definitely lied.

The symptom that crept up on me along the way was depression. When I gave birth, it hit me HARD. You don’t realize how powerful hormones are until they are imbalanced and you are at their mercy. When no amount of pep talks are enough to get you into a good mood, you realize that there could be more to this than meets the eye.

I became what I feared most

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Growing up, I used to get really bummed out when my dad said we couldn’t go somewhere because he was resting. I was too young to figure out what was going on, but in hindsight, I realize that the older I became, the more severe the depression became. When I could understand what was going on, I promised myself that I would not be a depressed parent, because I have seen and experienced what depression can do first hand.

I have struggled with the blues and front door syndrome in the past year or two. It hit me a couple of months ago that I had become what I feared most, a depressed withdrawn mama. Drowning in the deep blue sea of depression. I hid behind various labels ‘ front door syndrome’, ‘reserved’…but at the end of the day, whatever name I chose to give it, it was affecting my role in the home. It didn’t seem like a big deal until I noticed that my little girl was actually being affected by my reluctance to leave the house and do anything fun. She loves to leave the house and she relies on us to take her out. Her daddy loves to take her out, and she knows it.My heart breaks looking back at all our missed opportunities.

A couple of months ago, I started making active steps to not remain stuck in the deep blue sea. I asked my husband to pray with me and encourage me. I begun to ask God to rescue me.

I am definitely not where I used to be. Sometimes it takes me four hours to leave the house, but I celebrate the fact that I actually left. This is such progress, previously my husband would find me all dressed at the door and watched me change my mind after hours of psyching up.

This is my testimony:

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.

He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.

Psalm 18:16,19 NLT

I was drowning in the deep waters. In the depths of sadness and hopelessness; I believed several lies and cried many tears. But GOD, He rescued me. He has led me to a place of safety and loved on me. I am in AWE of who He is. He has filled me with hope and peace.

Though I am not where I need to be, I am definitely not where I used to be. I am enjoying making memories and seeing God’s redeeming love at work in my life and my home. We just came from baby swimming, it’s been amazing watching Ksena become more confident in the water. Today she was kicking under water, we have come a mighty long way. Her milestones are my milestones. They have shown me that when we step out of our comfort zone and let God lead us to waters unknown, we will see a side of Him and ourselves that we never knew. We will experience joy and peace from above. We will be everything that He created us to be.

If you are a mummy who would like someone to talk to, send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com.

Have a lovely day,

Blessings!

Bibi2be

 

When Life Happened

life happens

“Why is it so cold?

Where is my baby?

Is she okay?

I’m freezing in here.”

September 30th 2014 at 5:15pm I woke up from what seemed like the longest nap asking these questions. So relieved to be alive; cognizant of the fact that not everyone makes it back to this side alive.

Overwhelmed by emotion, I lay there looking disheveled, as though life had happened. Hold up! Life had just happened. The resident of my womb had just been evicted and my body was shaken. It had been a lovely host environment for the last nine months.It adapted and stretched to accommodate the little one, and just like that she was out. I felt happy but oh so empty, my extra heartbeat was now living out of me; what a strange feeling that was.

I was still high on the anesthesia and exhausted from laboring for twelve hours only to be told ‘I am so sorry. You are still 6cms dilated. It is cervical dystocia’ . Honestly, I have never been so terrified in my whole life. I was all set for a normal delivery, I even had my sitz bath all set up in my bathroom before I left for the hospital. I was in too much pain, with the contractions back to back to try and understand what the doctor meant by ‘dystocia’.

I was all walked out. I mean I had bounced on the yoga ball for so long. I closed my eyes and I could still feel the buoyancy, reminded me of being in the deep sea; floating – no strength to swim or fight the waves. Tired of waiting for someone to rescue me. I was all cried out, beat, frail and so afraid.

When I saw my little girl, sheer unprecedented joy flooded my heart. I was a mother, me, yet I wasn’t so sure I had figured out this thing called adulthood. Now someone would look up to me and call me mummy? Where was my mummy? I needed MY mummy, and a little girl needed her mummy, she needed me.

My birth partner, who had arrived right before the ‘cervical dystocia’ announcement, did what I consider one of the best things ever; she brought the baby and taught me how to latch her to my breast. I really do thank God that we figured out how to do it on our first try. The sensation was weird to say the least. My breast was not used to being sucked like someone’s life depended on it. Yet, here we were, it needed to toughen up and adapt to the new role.

Here I am, ten months on. I am so grateful that life happened. It has not been in a walk in the park, we’ve had our fair share of challenges including postpartum depression but it has been the best adventure yet. My daughter turned my life upside down and inside out. She has made me question many things that I considered truth. I have had to re-evaluate my values and myself, figure out what I truly believe in, the legacy that I want to pass on to her.

I have probably never been so sleep deprived but neither has my heart been so full of love. She has taught me little life lessons. What do you know, ten months down the line and another baby doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Divine amnesia.

Beautiful, life changing, magical memories are made when life happens. Yes sometimes, life knocks the wind out our lungs, but we bounce back. Truly we are much stronger than we think. Life throws curve balls our way and we swing our bats like never before and make that home run.

My life changed when life happened. Boy, am I glad it did. Here is to more adventures, more laughs, more tears and more unprecedented joy.

Life happened. I survived. I continue to thrive.

Blessings,

Bibi2be