On Second Thought, Don’t Put Me Down

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and chuckle. It’s evident how much I’ve changed the last two years, physically I look more or less the same. Emotionally and mentally, I am a different person.  How calm I am is a testimony if God’s grace. I see the difference between Ess as a first time mum and Ess as a second time mum.

As my mama puts it, experience is the best teacher. My experience of being a mum has come with perspective. And perspective makes all the difference. It informs my decision on how to spend my energy, which moments to savor and what to be anxious about (read: commit to the Lord in prayer as I await His peace).

I know how fast the days pass by. I know that one day I will sleep, one day baby will sleep through the night. Do I hear a hallelujah? You my dear friends may need to remind me this a few months from now. This too shall come to pass.

Speaking of hallelujah, my household has this song on repeat. It calms Miss K and Miss Ky down. Hallelujah!

Perspective has helped me be more present in the now. I’ve made a deliberate decision to enjoy the season.

When I had Miss K I started ‘Lessons from my daughter’ . It looks like it’s time to add ‘s’ to daughter, because Miss Ky is making her debut today.

When she was born, she was a trusting little human being. You could hold her with one hand and she wouldn’t know the difference. About a week ago, it all changed. All of a sudden, she was aware of the fact that she was being put down and to top it up, she was weary of being put down. Rather the process. She was grasping for something to hold.

It is important to note that the hands holding her hadn’t changed. The surface she was being placed on remained constant, but she’d changed. She was more aware, and the ‘hold on for dear life’ reflex was activated.

This lesson floored me. God used Ky to show me that fear comes from within. When I feel afraid and weary of being put down, and the times I even feel let down; I need to remember that His hand has not changed. His love and plans for me remain constant.

His hand, love and heart never change. I am still safe in His hands. He knit me in my mamas womb. He has been upholding me for much longer than I can remember. He can be trusted. He is faithful.

Are you feeling afraid? Weary of being placed down or let down? Remember that God remains the same. His hand and His heart are still for you. He loves you with an everlasting love.

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Isaiah 41:10 has a new meaning for me. I was upheld and He still upholds me.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Don’t Want To Be An Ostrich Mama

As a child, I was fascinated by Ostriches. I thought they were intriguingly beautiful. There was something about the way they spread their wings that enthralled me.

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I hadn’t thought about an Ostrich for a long time, well, that was up until a couple of weeks ago when I read Job 39.

Job 39:13-18New Living Translation (NLT)

13 “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly,
    but they are no match for the feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on top of the earth,
    letting them be warmed in the dust.
15 She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them
    or a wild animal might destroy them.
16 She is harsh toward her young,
    as if they were not her own.
    She doesn’t care if they die.
17 For God has deprived her of wisdom.
    He has given her no understanding.
18 But whenever she jumps up to run,
    she passes the swiftest horse with its rider.

 

As I read this scripture, my heart was convicted. Verse 16 and 17 tugged at my heart strings and caused me to ask the Lord to search my heart. To reveal to me the ways that I have been harsh, insensitive, deprived of wisdom and lacking understanding.

This passage refused to leave my mind. It replayed in my heart for days on end. Then I begun to see how Ostrich like I have been in my motherhood journey and my heart, oh, how it broke. It became crystal clear (again) that I cannot rely on my own wisdom (or lack thereof). 

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My prayer is that in my newborn hazing state I will not be impatient and harsh towards the K girls. That I will be sensitive to the status of their hearts and dreams. That I will be a woman and an understanding mother. Oh, how I pray for wisdom to raise these girls. That I will be loving towards them, that I will always speak lovingly and that my heart will be keen to notice if they are dying in any part of their lives. That my tongue will speak life and not death. That I will encourage them to pursue their dreams and create an environment where they can encounter the Lord.

Now when I think about an Ostrich, I remember that though she is swift and grande, she lacks understanding and has been deprived of wisdom.

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Dear Lord,

Please do not deprive us of wisdom. We ask that you will send your angel to give us instructions on how to raise these children like you did to Manoah and his wife in Judges 13.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen

Blessings,

Bibi2be

 

 

I Will Love, Dearly, Deeply and Deliberately <3

The two lines made my heart skip a beat.

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courtesy of peonies and picnics

Joy and awe flooded my heart.

But doubt was not very far behind.

Two sets of hands of feet were joining our family. Two sets of dreams and destiny. We were going to be parents of two little humans.

I didn’t feel ready, better still qualified. The truth is that sometimes I doubt that I’m doing a good job mummying one set of hands and feet, so the thought of a  bonus had me shaking in my boots. Wondering how I’d love two people. Half hoping it would just happen, and praying that I could be objective, sans favorites. Oh Lord, without favorites. Because they are both mine, my flesh and blood. Above all, they are God’s and I am, we are, just stewards.

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As the days went by, I stopped saying I’d love them equally because I felt like it put a limit on the love, like I had to divide.

I decided to love them dearly, deeply and deliberately. To act it out and say it loud.

And what is love?

Love is being patient and kind even when the crank from sleep deprivation wants to take the day. Love is not being jealous, proud, rude or boastful. It does not demand it’s own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. Love is keeping my word. Singing one more song, building legos, not being easily angered. Love is not rejoicing about injustice but rejoicing whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love is showing up, doing the sacrificial thing, laying down my life. (Some parts of this are from 1 Cor 13:4-8)

Love is what Christ what would do. He lay down His life for me and paid the price for my sin. He loves me everyday and nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39) I have seen my husband model love to me and the girls, love makes all of the difference.

Love is teaching them about God, sharing the gospel with them and leading by example. Love is discipling them.

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Here I am, repurposing daily to love these girls,deeply and deliberately. To drink deeply from the well of love and fill my cup. I can’t give what I don’t have. My glorious redeemer set the perfect example for me. He gave His life for me. Now I give my love to the K girls.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Look Whooos Here :) Our Quiver And The Hand Of God

I have seen the hand of the Lord!!

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, replaying the last one week in my mind and I can’t help but stand in awe of God. Every fibre within me wants to give praise to His name because I am convinced without a shadow of doubt that it was Him who carried me through. I am here because His victorious right hand was with me.

1 Chronicles 16:8-11 New Living Translation (NLT)

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.
    Let the whole world know what he has done.
Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.
    Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.
10 Exult in his holy name;
    rejoice, you who worship the Lord.
11 Search for the Lord and for his strength;
    continually seek him.

More than a week ago, I was 39 weeks 3 days pregnant, and anxiety had flooded my whole being. I couldn’t keep still, I was cleaning, arranging and driving all around. When evening came, I begun to stall. We went out for dinner and I wasn’t in a hurry to get home. I even negotiated check in time with my doctor to be as late as possible. After settling Miss K to bed, my calloused soles became an emergency that I needed to attend to before I could be admitted. 🙂 Thank God for my patient mummy and hubby.

I finally got to hospital at 10pm on the dot. I barely slept the first night, I was too anxious, also hospitals are not hotels. How I longed for my bed and for a goodnight sleep sans the screeching trolleys in the corridors. At 4:30am, I was woken up to shower and get ready for theatre. Immediately I stirred, the Holy Spirit placed this verse in my heart.

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This verse ended up being my lifeline. I hang onto every word of it. Every. Single. Word. It was my hope. It was my promise. And I held on to it with my all.

I was fasting that morning, so I had more than enough time to twist my hair as I danced to my anthem of the day, err, week.

As I sung this song, my spirits lifted. I was convinced without a shadow of doubt that God was with me and that He had gone ahead of me. Even as I had desired a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) yet it didn’t come to pass, I knew He was Lord of it all and Lord in it all.

I’ve had 4 surgeries under general anesthesia but this time my desire was that God would allow me to be present as this little one was born. When the VBAC failed to happen, I knew that a Spinal Block was my next bet. I have heard some horror stories about life post spinal block and read the statistics of the side effects. But my heart still wanted what it wanted. To be present. To hear the little one cry. To give thanks in real time. To witness the miracle of birth, the way that He would allow.

As I was wheeled to theatre, my heart was lighter. I knew that God had gone ahead of me and was with me. I had spent a lot of time praying for the team I would find in theatre on the day, and He blew me away. The people who needed to calm my heart were there; they spoke the truth of the Lord to me, as I waited. The doctors and nurses were exactly who God needed to be there. Best of all, I knew that God was there. He was my midwife and my chief physician. As the anesthesia took it’s effect and I lay there, I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was with me, for me and in me.

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The things that troubled my heart,the anxieties that mauled my peace were put at ease when I let Him be God. I had experienced sleepless moments the last couple of weeks wondering how it would all play out, but God! God did it. That morning before the clock struck 9, Miss K was promoted to big sister as Miss Ky made her debut into the world outside the womb. I was present. I heard her cry. I prayed as tears of joy streamed down my face. My heart was at peace.

I’ll probably blog about the last couple of weeks in detail in the coming days. The fact remains that I’ve seen His hands and feet in the people around me, those who’ve prayed, consistently reached out, taken time out to just be. The righteous hand of the Lord has upheld me. He has carried me.

Now we are 4 Ks. Our quiver is fuller.

We are blessed.

We are not alone.

We have been helped.

We are strengthened.

We are upheld.

All glory, honor and majesty be to our King.

Blessings,

Bibi2be