Ride To Heaven

Six years, three months and ten days ago my world came to a temporary standstill. The world was moving, but I was stuck. The clock was ticking, but I was fastened to the spot. Like a pendulum fastened to a branch, I would swing as the wind blew but my heart was stuck at the same place, at the point of grief. I was like a soldier in the army, mark timing, but thinking I was moving. My world shattered. I was heartbroken and I was selfish.

I read a blog post a few weeks ago that reminded me that parents are human too. I hadn’t viewed him as a human being. He was dad, my very own super human, not perfect, but he always had his strong face on even when his world was caving in. I wish I had seen his struggle for what it was, allowed myself to read in between the lines, and understood the circumstances, but I was too fixated on my own ideals.

Six years ago, I was a very selfish version of myself. As I grieved I thought about how my dad’s death affected me. But as life would have it, over the last six years, I have examined the situation from different angles. I was so upset that he wasn’t going to walk me down the aisle, especially since I had told him that I wanted to get married a few days before. It was my dream as a little girl to have him hold my hand and hand me over to my groom.

I remember our last hug, our last conversation, the way he called out my name, his laugh, his gaze, his gait and I miss him. I am tearing as I type this, but the tears are not as sad and bitter as they used to be. They are not hot angry tears, they are reflective tears. Tears that signify a longing that cannot be met. Tears that flow as peace floods my heart.

For weeks, I would dial his number out of habit. It took a while for me to stop drafting texts to him. When I finally deleted his number from my phone, I realized it was ingrained in my memory. He was absent in person but so present in my heart, I stored our moments, the things that I wanted to remember safely in a vault. The first couple of weeks, I saw his face when I slept. And then it faded, and I retrieved the happy memories and replayed them every time I thought of him.

A few weeks ago, my great-grandmother went to be with the Lord. She had lived to a ripe old age. My only regret is that she hadn’t met my little girls. The last time I was in Nairobi, we weren’t able to go and see her. We planned to go in August, but she didn’t make it to August.

‘Love now!’ is what I repeat to myself. There’s no day excursion to heaven. Once your time on earth expires, that is it. When a loved one goes to be with the Lord, they remain there, and you here, until your ride comes.

If wishes were horses, I would ride to heaven and give my daddy a hug, a big bear hug. Having been a mummy and gone through a few dark corridors, I realize, that it was so hard for him to be a dad when he felt like a skeleton on the inside. My hearts goes out to him. I wish I was able to be more, to understand more, to do more for Him. I miss him, some times more than others. From time to time I wonder how he’d play with my girlies, what his thoughts would be when he reads my manuscripts, I’d have loved to share my books with him. That’s water under the bridge.

Depression is hard. It’s dark. It’s lonely. It’s difficult trying to soar when you are tethered to the ground my the weight in your heart. Trying to be positive, when not even a glimmer of light illuminates within. Struggling to be strong for others because you are using all that you’ve got to hold on.

Today my heart goes out to those who are trying to be the best versions of themselves yet they feel like they are dying on the inside. To those who are clasping on straws, trying to stay afloat. To those who have been labelled and dejected. To those who are fighting monsters and battles unseen. To those who feel like there is no reason left to live. Today, I send you a ((big hug)). And I pray that as you read this, you will know that you are not alone. I pray that God will comfort you, reveal Himself to you and enable you to stand. How I pray that He will carry you through and out, in His time.

For those who are loving , please don’t give up on them. Encourage them and be present. Love now, hug now, because wishes are not horses, and it’s difficult to ride to heaven for a day. I pray that God will strengthen you and grant you patience and understanding.

Let’s all come in for a group hug, and purpose to love and be loved, till the ride to heaven arrives.

 

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I Loved. I Prayed. I Lost. But Still I Hope.

I loved.

I prayed.

I lost

But stiIl, I hope and trust.

Depression is real. It’s not a figment of one’s imagination or an extended monday blue session. It’s real, alive and it consumes one on the inside.

Having had a front row seat to witness the effects and realities of depression, I know how real, dark and hopeless it can be.

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You see, as a child, I had no idea what was going on with my dad but I knew something was off. This invisible, anonymous thing was robbing my family and I of joy. And so I prayed for him for 14 years. In the beginning I was naive. As I grew up, I understood more and the more I understood the less I really did. I quickly realized that I couldn’t rationalize depression. That it was dark, cold and lonely.

It was beyond my control.

So I had to let it be. Though for years I felt like I should have done more.

Been more.

Prayed more.

I prayed, ever so fervently yet I still lost him. Since then, I have lost other people to depression and I have had even more questions. I’d love to say that death has lost its sting, but sometimes the reality of death stings my heart, especially when it seems so premature.

What my little heart struggles with most now, is seeing other people walk down this road and knowing that God doesn’t always answer prayers as we’d desire. It was initially difficult to be honest with myself and say that I was disappointed, that my prayer wasn’t answered as I’d hoped. And a part of me was almost scared to pray for this again, to walk this road again. Because I know how it can end. A part of me has been afraid to pray as fervently, to believe against all odds, that one can conquer it. But quite recently I was reminded that God is faithful and able regardless of my story. His strength and grace are not determined by what happened, He is God and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. I do pray that I will always remember that prayer changes things and I will always keep hope alive even in the darkest of days.

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If you have someone close to you struggling with depression, keep praying, keep believing and keep trusting. We don’t know how tomorrow will be, if they will beat this thing or not, but we do know that we have today, to love and live as best as we can. I pray that you both will experience the hand and heart of God.

If you are struggling with depression and feel as thought you are drowning in a sea of darkness and hopelessness, I earnestly pray that the Lord who calmed the storm in Luke 8 will be close to you. That He, in His own time, will calm the storm and lead you out, where feet may fail. That He will help you to walk upon the waters, those very waters that have threatened to swallow you alive.

To those struggling and those loving the ones who are, lots of love, grace and peace to you ❤

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Found Peace

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I struggle to hear these words in the face of adversity. All I want to scream back is  ”it is NOT well right now”.

You can imagine how many ‘it is wells’ I heard after dad died. I knew one day it would be well, but right there and then, life was many things apart from well. I needed space to feel the emotions but constantly received the ‘Be strong for….’ advice. So here I was stuck in between it not being well and exuding strength I lacked.  Quite a difficult balance to strike.

It’s easy to get sucked up in being strong for others and forget that you need to feel the emotions and be once in a while. Just because you hide the emotions does not mean that they are not there. One day they will come closer to the surface and you will be forced to deal with them (or stuff them deeper and repeat the cycle).

I’d found a way to be strong, I would avoid all conversations that required being real. So I literally avoided Peter, I’d want to be in the same space with him but avoid him. It’s quite ridiculous looking back, but he persevered.  Thank you ❤

A few weeks after the burial, I got to do something for myself, I went on a short road trip to a near by lake. Lake Oloiden.

There I made peace with myself, God and my dad.

I forgave myself for the things I thought I could have done or said better. Such sweet release. I felt free.

I was able to forgive my dad for leaving the way he did. I wept tears of bitterness, hurt, disappointment.  Forgiveness was necessary for me to move forward. Peace engulfed my heart.

I asked God to embrace me and comfort me. I released my negative emotions regarding the whole situation, God not saving him as I thought He would. I asked for His forgiveness. Then I received peace. Not as the world gives. His peace, His divinely sweet peace.

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I asked the Lord to be my father. I had just lost my physical representation of a father and there was a huge gap in my heart, in my life. This begun a beautiful adventure in my walk with Him. One of total surrender. Oh how I wish I had known Him as my ultimate father in every sense of the word when dad was alive. God is my father.

Dad’s death shook me to the core. It made me question many things including my existence and identity. But God. God SPOKE to me and LOVED on me. I am whole, I am loved, I am His.

After finding peace, I knew this is right where I wanted to get married. The scenery and presence were exactly what I wanted surrounding us as we exchanged our vows. He was there.

What is causing your heart turmoil?  Get away, lay your emotions on the table, take them to the cross and make peace with yourself, God and other parties involved.  The bitterness and unforgiveness could be what is holding your from living your best life now.

Have a blessed week ahead,

Bibi2be

It No Longer Holds Power Over Me

‘It no longer holds power over me!!’

I have longed to say these words out loud and actually mean them from bottom of my heart for such a long time.

Five years ago, I was crippled by fear and the voices in my head paralyzed me. As the days have gone by, I have realized that what I perceived as my reality was a very skewed version of the truth.

The Perfect Light

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I was watching Pingu with Ksena two night ago, it’s a favorite in our household. It has many life lessons.

In this episode, Pingu and his sibling were scared of a shadow. What it looked like and what it was in real life were world’s apart. However, the fear, anxiety and confusion were very real and tangible. They were terrified, they couldn’t sleep, their peace was gone.

When insufficient light hits an object it skews how it appears in real life.

When God’s perfect light fails to hit a life experience it skews how it appears. As I have processed death, depression, suicide and grief on inadequate light for years, I have picked up baggage that was never mine to deal with. I have been paralyzed by fear and crippled by shame and guilt. Feeling like I was responsible for his decision, yet I wasn’t. I have literally fed myself self defeating lies that have robbed me of the experience of fullness of life. For too long, the story of depression and suicide held power over me. But, as I begun to ask God to show me His truth, reveal His version, I have found freedom. Freedom to be all that God created me to be. Freedom to love and laugh, freedom to dream and forgive myself. Freedom to speak up and encourage others who have been crippled and paralyzed by fear.

I have found my feet again. I can confidently say that IT NO LONGER HOLDS POWER OVER ME. Hallelujah !!!! 🙂

My prayer is that you will see everything that has terrified you in the dark in the perfect light of Christ. That the things that have held you captive for weeks, will be revealed to you from God’s perspective of truth. That you may experience freedom and life in abundance. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

I Couldn’t Save Him

I have been so overwhelmed by the love that I have received since I posted  5 years on… Grief. Acceptance. Life . Thank you!!

One of the things that I really struggled with the days following my dad passing away was the fact that I couldn’t save him. A part of me felt so worthless, hopeless and defeated. My Psychology degree in the making was not fireproof. I was not a hero with a big ‘S’ on my chest. I was a broken, disappointed, confused victim in this story.

I prided myself in having a special relationship with my dad. I loved him so much. I thought that I would always be prepared for the day he died. Boy, was I extremely far from the truth. Death has a way sneaking up on you and knocking the wind out of your chest; then as you choke on the ground, it slowly but surely yanks away the physical presence of the one that you love . And you lay there, powerless. 

The days leading up to his death, we would talk and I could see the hopelessness in his eyes. We talked and prayed together but it wasn’t enough. He needed someone to save him. I was not his savior. The truth is, nothing I could have done would ever have been enough to save him. I am not Jesus!

I am not Jesus! 

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I feel like I should say it again, I am not Jesus!!  Oh how I wish that the younger me understood this after dad died. I spent so many day moaning and mourning the fact that I had failed to stop it (as if I had a set of super powers only known to me.)I battled with feelings of guilt, a paralysis in my heart, I was afraid to ever walk with someone in the valley of depression. I doubted myself and my education, to an extent that I wasn’t sure I wanted to practice anytime soon. I was devastated.

I had prayed, I had cried, I had tried but it still was not enough. Only Jesus could save dad. My words and advice were good but not enough to do the work that only Jesus could.

Jesus did it at the cross. Because He died, I live. He is the perfect savior.

If you don’t know Jesus as your personal savior, my prayer is that you would heed His call today. Behold He stands at the door of your heart knocking, if you hear His voice, do let Him in. If you would like to please pray this prayer and believe in your heart.

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If you have prayed this prayer and accepted Jesus as your personal savior, Congratulations!! Please send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com and we can walk together.

For those walking with people in the valley of depression I pray that you will realize that there is only so much that you can do. Encourage them , love on them and lead them to Jesus, our savior. Only He can save them from the depths of the grave.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the Lord will continue to comfort you. I pray that this truth will enable you to forgive yourself. That you will let go of the guilt that has haunted you for weeks and walk free. You did your best, and it was enough.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

5 Years On: Grief. Acceptance. Life

First off, THERE IS A GOD!!!

I would not be here without Him. I literally owe all that I am to Him. He lifted me from the depths of the grave, revived the dead parts of my being, gave me His peace and fiercely loved on me.

Jesus, I want the whole world to know that you are my God. You did it for me.

This is one of those posts that is extremely close to my heart. Five years ago, my world came to stand still. I experienced heart break, pain that I can’t quantify. My world as I knew it forever changed. It changed me, it killed a part of me but the Lord revived me.

Grief

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16th April 2011, the reality of depression that had been looming for years finally set a definitive mark. My dad committed suicide. My world stopped. This was never part of the plan (or list of possible scenarios) but it became my reality. My cup to bear. My world shattered into a million little pieces.

This was an unanswered prayer gone wrong. Images of his lifeless body replayed in my mind for a long time.

For months, I oscillated between numbness and feeling too intensely that I thought I would die. I literally thought that the grief would consume me. For a moment there, it did.

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I was angry, disappointed, ashamed (you don’t realize how much stigma comes with suicide.) Sometimes the loudest condemning voices come from within. I felt like I had failed to save him. I should have seen it coming. Here I was pursuing a degree in Psychology yet I wasn’t able to intervene.

Acceptance

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I can sing, I can smile, I’m alive. Things are not the same but it’s okay.

I’m so humbled that God has given me precious souls to walk this journey called life with.

My husband, Peter, remains one of my greatest support systems. He has been a rock. For months he held me as fear, grief and a myriad of emotions made their way out of my system through tears. I would shake, it was a cry from my toes because my belly was not far enough. Grief had touched every fibre of me. It had wrecked me. But God healed me.

My oldest friend, Natasha, has been invaluable. She has understood triggers that make me sad and always reaches out, 5 years on. She understood it was more than just an event, it was a life changing one. She is a friend, sister and angel that God sent my way to remind me of His love.

My mum has held down the fort the last five years and been strong for everyone. Her strength and faith continue to amaze me. Her life is a testimony that there is a God and He holds all things together. When we are weak, He is strong and He commands His angels to carry us and guards us as the apple of His eye.

There are several other people whose support has been invaluable. God smiled on me when He placed them in my life. I can’t thank Him enough.

Life

Life-Goes

Life has gone on.

Watching  Peter play with Ksena has really made me miss dad. There are so many days I have wondered how he would have played with her. How our relationship would have been. But, I also know that he found rest. I say this carefully, but after watching depression eat him alive for tens of years, I do realize that there is nothing more that I could have done. I prayed, I encouraged, I hoped but the end came sooner than I anticipated in a way I would never have imagined. Depression and suicide are not fully understood. It’s easy to judge when it’s not hit close to home. When it is a reality it makes you question the things that you believe and whether you are really at peace.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the Lord will comfort you and strengthen you.

For those experiencing depression and thoughts of suicide.  I pray that the Lord will minister to you at this very moment, that He will speak to you, revive you and save you. May He surround you with angels to walk this journey with.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

Love That Heals The Pain Within

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We are living in a time where the world is deficient of hope. Every where you turn, all you see and hear are sad stories. There are seldom any good stories. The ones that are there, seem like a drop in the ocean. In the recent past, several people have told me that they get depressed from watching the news. It may seem like a small thing that they shouldn’t take too personally, but, the news is subconsciously replayed in their minds hours and days after the bulletin.

Though we don’t see it, people are crying and dying on the inside. While physical pain has been considered the main cause of death, cases of emotional pain induced deaths are on the rise.
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A crushed spirit is difficult to bear.

Depression and suicide are things that I don’t like to write about very often, mainly because, they are very close to home. As I have processed them over the last couple of years, I have realized that what people need is love and hope. Yes, counseling, medication and conversations are important but they are not enough. A personal experience of love is necessary.

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16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. [Ephesians 3:16-19]

I wrote this poem, after many years of not writing, to try and paint a picture of emotional pain. The pain that eats people alive from within.

There’s a pain,
That echoes in the chambers of my heart.
There’s a pain,
That nobody else seems to understand.
There’s a pain,
That makes me long to be free;
There’s a pain,
That holds me back from living out my destiny.

There’s a pain,
That has whispered many lies that have become my truth.
There’s a pain,
That leaves me with only despair and depression to choose.
There’s a pain,
That robs me of my desire to live.
There’s a pain,
That drives me out options and I’ve just got to leave.

There’s a pain,
That engulfs me though I don’t show it.
There’s a pain,
That has shown me just how good I am at masking.
There’s a pain,
That churns within my soul.
There’s a pain,
That won’t give at all.

There’s a pain,
That I can’t just snap out of;
There’s a pain,
That’s not like a bad mood that I can get rid off.
There’s a pain,
That is real.
There’s a pain,
That I long to heal.

There’s a pain,
That hurts too much.
There’s a pain,
That won’t let me speak, so I remain hush.

Where’s this pain?
It is everywhere!
It starts in the heart,
Then it latches on every part that can hurt.

Do not be fooled any longer by the smile,
My heart and being are filled with so much bile.
For a very long while, I have tried to be strong,
But now I need to end it all, though I know it is wrong.

Every time you think of me, cherish our memories;
Please accept my a million ‘ I’m  Sorrys ‘.
There’s a pain,
I have tried to stay strong and hopeful, but in vain.

©2015
In memory of those who I’ve loved and have conceded defeat to this pain. Indeed,
There’s a pain,
That often fails to meet the eye.

For those who are dealing with this pain, my earnest prayer is that the Lord will send His comforting angels to minister to you. That you will know that you are not alone or too far gone. That the Holy Spirit will speak truth into every situation and crevice of your heart. And that this truth will dispel all the lies that you have believed. I pray that God will infuse you with hope, peace, joy and inner strength. May you personally experience the might and vastness of God’s unfailing love. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.

For those who have loved and lost, I pray that the God of all comfort will love on you. May you experience His peace and grace. May He strengthen you and help you to face tomorrow without your loved one. May He steady your feet and be your ever present help in times of need. In Jesus name we pray and believe, Amen.

Blessings,

Bibi2be

P.S as always, if you would like me to stand with you in prayer, send me an email via ess@bibi2be.com